Chapter 12

Kennedy – One Week Later

I look at the monitor,and my heart sinks.

Still flatline.

I grab the Epinephrine, quickly unscrew the cannula, and insert the needle. Slowly, I press the fluid into the tube and wait, my eyes on the monitor as the doctor rushes forward, putting on his gloves.

"What do we have, Kennedy?" he asks, looking over the baby.

I swallow hard and rasp, "Came in from my break to the alarm sounding. Oxygen levels dropped to 45% before nothing. Flatline for four minutes. I started resuscitation and administered Epinephrine, and so far, nothing."

He nods, approval shining at me, but I ignore it and continue resuscitation, mumbling, "Come on, Freddie…."

Freddie a preemie, born at only twenty-two weeks, and I'm not proud of it, but I did connect with this little boy, him reminding me of my daughter.

"Let's go ahead and administer adenosine."

I give the doctor a nod and do as asked, while everyone rushes around, trying to save this tiny little boy as I wonder where in the hell the nurse who was in charge is.

A few hours later, I'm walking into my apartment feeling defeated. We lost the baby. Freddie's little heart couldn't cope, and he died.

My tears fall, and a sob crawls its way up my throat. It's late, really late. The nurse, Alya, who was supposed to be attending him, has been suspended. It was confirmed in Freddie's chart that she gave him another child's medication and the other child's Freddie's medicines, before going to the on-call room with a patient"s father. We didn't realize where she had gone until the man's wife found them together.

We, thankfully, managed to help the other child before any serious damage could be done, but there will definitely be an investigation and, if the family isn't happy, a lawsuit.

Alya will be lucky to get any nursing job after this; she's a Becky 2.0.

I squeeze my eyes shut. He was so small and had such a long life ahead of him, and because of her, because his family trusted a nurse, he's gone.

Sniffling, I throw my keys on the table and sit on my couch, my eyes going to a picture of Doc. He's leaning against his Harley, his white V-neck t-shirt straining against his muscles as he grins at the camera.

My tears coat my cheeks, the need for him pulling me and, without thinking, I grab my phone from my pocket and dial his number.

He answers instantly, voices echoing through the receiver as he questions, "Pixie?"

He sounds concerned, and I feel guilty, but I needed to hear his voice. I know that's selfish, but I lost our child and Freddie; his death hit close to home, and I know Doc's voice will help ease it a little. I start to sob, lying down on the couch with my phone to my ear.

"Ah baby, please don't cry…" he whispers before the voices disappear. "Pixie? I'm in my room at the club. Talk to me, baby. What's happened?" I sob harder, and he sighs, reading me instantly. "Ah, fuck…. You lost a baby, didn't you?" I start to hiccup, breathing becomes hard, and he growls, "Fuck baby, try and breathe for me. Focus on my voice; I'm here, Pixie. I know it's hard, but I can bet my license you worked hard on that baby, that you did everything you could."

Not hard enough, because he didn't survive.

"I know you, Pixie. You're beating yourself up, but don't. You are the most caring person I know, and fuck am I proud of you for following this path." I take deep breaths, letting his voice soothe me. He takes a deep breath and rasps, "Remember when you were sixteen, and you found out Lola kissed the guy you had a crush on?"

I smile a little. Reid.

I never did like him. The reason I started crying after she kissed him was because I saw a woman kiss this man, the man who owns my heart. He continues, not knowing my thoughts, "When I kissed you near the pond on club property, it wasn't a pity kiss, baby, just like the one I gave you in the storage closet. You own me, Pixie."

My heart jumps. I want to believe his words, I do, but I just….

"Baby, everything okay? You just left the party," Prue says, and I squeeze my eyes tight and quickly hang up, sobs wracking my body.

He's still with her. How can he say all those things when he's still with her?

Oh God….

Bile rises in my throat, and I quickly jump up from my couch and run to the bathroom, just making it in time to the toilet before everything I've eaten today, which wasn't a lot, comes up, the retching pulling my insides with pain.

I sob, holding onto the toilet, wishing things were different. I've lost quite a bit of weight, and God, do I feel so very alone….

Once I know I won't vomit again, I slowly stand, dizziness pulling me. I take deep breaths, trying to control it, before going to the sink, and washing the vile taste out of my mouth. I head to my living area, and I grab my phone, before lying down on the couch. Several missed calls from Doc make my tears fall, but I ignore them and pull up Alex's number.

I can feel myself slipping.

He answers after six rings, making me look at the clock, feeling guilty. It's past eleven at night…. Crap.

"Well, if it isn"t the world"s best NICU nurse," he says, making me laugh. It"s just what I needed.

"Not yet, I"m not," I reply, turning on my side as he hums.

He affirms, "But you will be, so don"t doubt yourself, Ken. You"re pushing yourself to greatness. I know you"re probably tired, but you"re doing good, I promise, and the fact they chose you for that course proves how amazing you are."

I sigh. I didn't realize I'd put myself down like that.

"I"m sorry. I"m not trying to put myself down, I swear. It"s been a hard day," I whisper.

At my words, he sighs. "Talk to me, Kennedy…."

My gaze drifts to the picture of Doc, and I sniffle before admitting, "We lost a preemie today, and it was hard. It"s the first baby I"ve lost since being here, and I guess I just miss home. I miss you and Noah and Lola."

He sighs. "I"m sorry, Ken…it"s a tough job, a job I know you can do because you're fucking awesome, and maybe try giving Lola a call? I know she misses you and is hurt you haven"t called. And if you"re homesick, I"ll pack Noah up and come see you, I"ll even bring my girl for you to meet."

I want to call Lola, I really do, but I just can't allow her to choose between me and her brother. I can't allow her to make things harder than they are. Though, I would love for him and Noah to visit, I tell him as much.

"I can"t call Lola. I refuse to make her choose between me and her brother. I regret telling her about us, and I would love for you and Noah to come here, even just for the weekend, and to meet…." I pause. Did he just say…. "Did you just say you have a woman?"

He hums and admits, "I do. It turns out Noah decided his teacher and I suited each other."

A grin takes over my face as I sit up. Noah did it, he actually did it?

"Oh my God, you and Quinn Sanders, really?" I cry out with hope, causing him to chuckle.

He replies, "Yeah, little cuz. I took one look at her and knew she was supposed to be mine. Tonight, she finally agreed to move out of the casual dating zone and become official, though I do believe I have a fight on my hands to keep her."

I hum. She was really closed off in highschool,trauma surrounded her, and I tell him as much, stating, "Quinn is amazing. She went to school with Violet, Lola, and me, but she always kept to herself. She was sweet and kind of closed off. I think something happened that traumatized her and caused her not to want to commit to someone; the number of boys she told to get lost was unbelievable. Please don"t give up on her, Alex. She"ll push you away; I saw it a lot in school. You need to show her that you"re willing to fight, unlike everyone else in her life."

"I miss you," he says randomly.

I chuckle and say, "You miss my wisdom, huh?"

He grunts, then remarks, "Of course, I miss your wisdom. You got me out of a lot of shit growing up." I laugh before he rasps, "Say hi to my girl, Ken…."

I chuckle, a smile as wide as anything on my face, happy for my cousin, and say, "Hi Quinn, how"s that boy of mine doing? Is he as smart as me?"

She says sleepily, "Well, up until a month ago, he was getting in between me and any man that would speak to me, and right before his dad asked me out, he poured paint over a colleague"s pants, who then slipped. Then Noah decided to pour the paint the man's head. He"d asked me out for drinks, and Noah disagreed, but he"s definitely smart, maybe Violet smart. With his pranks, though, we need to watch him."

My mouth drops open in shock, absolute shock. I know I should be asking if the teacher is okay, but all I can think of is wanting to give the kid a high five. I laugh hard before rasping, "Oh God, I wish I"d seen it."

Quinn admits, "I have a camera pointing at the classroom door, I"ll send you the footage."

I squeal in delight before I get into a conversation with Quinn. My hurt and heartbreak are pushed to the side as we speak about school and how Mr. Arnold, who allowed us to call him Harold, had gone missing. He tried hitting on me at one point and I know for a fact he tried to assault Lola.

I will not feel guilty for what happened to that bastard.

I shudder in revulsion, remembering how he often came around to sleep with my momma.

After about five minutes, I look at the time and yawn. My body is finally drained.

I mutter, "Okay, I"m off. Thank you both for distracting me from my awful day."

"Anything for my favorite cousin," Alex replies. I laugh, happy to let Quinn in on our secret, knowing what this means for him.

I reply, "I"m your only cousin, dumbass. Quinn, we"ll talk soon. Send my love to Noah, Alex, and tell him I"ll call on Saturday. Love you."

"Alright, will do. Love you, too," he rasps, and I hang up, looking at the urn sitting next to the picture of Doc. Tears fill my eyes. Without taking my gaze off them, I grab the throw from the back of my couch, and lay down.

"I'm sorry, baby girl," I whisper in the quiet room, before I slowly close my eyes only to see Doc's forest green ones with the flecks of brown morph into Nick's dark, lifeless ones. His eyes then morph into my momma's, then my father's, and then I drift off into a restless sleep, dreaming of what my little girl would have looked like growing up, all while she swims in Nick's blood.