Chapter Forty

We stayed on the beach deep into the night. We stayed until stars flashed above our heads, and the music at the bar turned just a notch louder, until more cocktails flowed, our bodies moved to the rhythm. I found myself talking to Dave, dancing with Jessica, and giggling with Olga.

A huge bonfire was lit just a few feet away from the bar, and as I sat close to it, my chin resting on my knees, the person I had tried to avoid all day appeared by my side.

"Can we talk?" Alice asked.

I turned to her and watched as the warm light played on her skin. Sand stuck to her neck, and her blonde hair curled from the sea salt. I glanced at Olga, who stood a few feet away, and she smiled and showed me thumbs up.

"Okay."

Alice stood up and slowly moved into the shadows, walking away from the light of the bar and bonfire. She sat down in the darkness, and I followed her lead. The sand was still warm from the scorching sun.

I looked straight ahead but could feel her eyes on me. I had nothing to say, so I waited. I wondered why I was there, when she finally talked.

"I'm sorry, Emily."

I shrugged. "Okay."

She smiled, a shadow of that mischievous smile I loved playing on her lips.

"I'm sorry I left you."

"Okay," I said again, and when she kept silent, I continued. "Don't worry, it was so long ago it doesn't matter anyway."

She turned to the ocean, and I moved to stand.

"Please, stay," Alice said, and her fingertips touched my wrist.

I jerked my hand back, cradling it close to my chest. She saw it, and her face fell. But I sat back.

"I want to explain myself," she said and took a shuddering breath. "I died that day with him. I died with Jake."

I was silent.

"Police called my parents, and when they found out, they drove to that little house we were renting. My Mom, she … isn't the same anymore, none of us are. My Dad tried to stay sane for both of us. When they took me from that house and drove me to the hospital, the car was filled with shuddering wails. I honestly thought my heart would stop beating. I could not believe it. In the hospital, my parents didn't allow me to see the body. I didn't even get to say goodbye."

Alice was looking into the depth of the dark ocean; it was whispering just a few feet away.

"My parents took me back home. I remember I watched my father's face as he drove us, silent tears running down his cheeks. I had never seen him cry before." She shook her head. "I thought about Jake and could actually still believe that he was waiting for us at home. That he would hug me and Mom, whisper about how silly we were. The house was empty when we returned. I fell into a very dark state, I took painkillers to numb that excruciating pain. My dad always watched me taking them, they thought I might overdose. And I thought about it, it would be so easy, just to stop hurting, to be with him."

I nodded as I brushed my cheek. I didn't mean to cry. But it was so unfair, he was too young, too kind, too everything good that a person could be.

"I'm sorry," I said.

She turned her eyes to me. "You know, I've thought about you every day since that day. In those first days, it was too dark, and I searched for your face in the fog for comfort. I was disgusted with myself. I blamed myself for not being able to handle Jake's plan. I wanted you all to myself. I talked to him in my mind for days, asking for forgiveness."

"Did you, for a moment, think about the real me? Not the imaginary me. The real, living me. How I was hurting too, how I was alone? You and Jake were my world, Alice. And the two of you were torn out of my life in a second. Did you ever consider that I'd just lost my dad too—I'd barely gotten past that. Did you ever think about how I was feeling?" I asked, becoming angry.

"I—"

"You left me, Alice, to slowly rot from my grief," I said, my hands were shaking, and I hugged myself to stop the violent shivers going down my arms and spine. I stood abruptly. "I fell in love with you, you know, I wanted to break up with Jake that day. I wanted to be with you. I could not pretend anymore. That triangle he invented was broken from the beginning. Because I only loved one of you, and it was you."

She looked at me as though I had punched her.

"But I should have chosen Jake, he was never as self-absorbed and selfish as you. I just know that he would never have hurt me like you did. You fucking saw me from that window, didn't you?" I asked, standing above her, trying to measure my voice, so the people by the bonfire would not hear me.

She nodded.

"I always knew it was you behind that curtain, and that was the cruelest thing anyone has ever done to me, Alice. You had a choice, and you decided to hurt me. I thought maybe you loved me too, after all those moments we shared, I imagined that you cared. But I was so wrong. We don't need to discuss anything, I understood long ago that I was mistaken. And I've had my share of talks in my mind with you, and Jake—I begged for him to forgive me too. So please, Alice, let me go."

She spoke again before I could storm off.

"I hurt myself a week after Jacob died. I didn't mean to, but I managed to overdose. My parents decided that it was better for me not to see you. When I saw you by the window I got scared. I could not talk to you at that moment. I was delirious, barely standing, an IV was hooked to my arm. I realized that it would be better if I stayed away. And I saw that you were not alone."

I snorted, gesturing to her. "You see, you didn't even think about me. How I was feeling."

"I was too weak," she whispered.

"Yeah, and I was not," I said, shaking my head. "You didn't think that I was fragile, that I could be broken, did you?"

"You were always strong."

I laughed. "You're cruel, Alice."

I turned and walked away. I didn't want to understand her. I was selfish too, for myself who could barely breathe for those first months, who was slowly losing myself in the darkness. I didn't want to understand her reasons.