Chapter 3

“You look soooo hot, babe !” Eli exclaims excitedly, looking me up and down with pride. He is quite pleased with himself after styling me for the party tonight. He always did love to play dress up with me since I was his, and I quote, “human Barbie doll.” Dropping his hands to my shoulders, he gives a sly wink as he pushes me into a spin. “Give me a twirl so I can admire my beautiful bestie.”

As I spin slowly for him, a small giggle bubbling in my throat, I catch a glimpse of myself in the standing mirror. I look… put together. Like, I’m not a complete rock slide of a person crumbling down a mountainside. Elijah has outdone himself. I look and feel beautiful in a way that I can’t remember feeling in a long time. At the end of my second turn, I stop and stare at my reflection in the mirror, holding my breath, eyes wide, as I start to fall a little bit in love with myself again. Just for a moment, it feels like the missing pieces of myself slowly begin to find their way back home to my soul. I slowly exhale through my parted lips, but the feeling dissipates back into nothingness before I can even get the breath all the way out.

I’m wearing a clingy black crop top over tight, black, ripped skinny jeans that are all but painted on me. Underneath the skinny jeans, I’m wearing high-waist fish nets, finished off with black buckle strap ankle boots. All of my curves and midriff are on full display, even under my black leather jacket. Fitting apparel for a heavy metal concert and complemented by my wavy curls, a perfectly applied smokey eye, and bold red lip. This is so much better than my usual uniform of baggy sweatpants and a spaghetti-strap tank top.

I turn back to Eli with the biggest smile I can manage on my face. I’m pleased with how the look came out, but this still feels so overwhelming. Leaving my house to go to a metal concert, even if it’s not Oliver’s band, is just… it’s just hard. I’m trying not to let Elijah see my uncertainty, but after more than ten years of friendship, he sees right through me.

I’ve never had a close relationship with my parents. Even when they still lived in this house with me, it was like I lived with roommates. I believe deep down that my parents love me. But I don’t think they have the natural parental instincts that one should possess to love and nurture a child—to be what I needed them to be. If it wasn’t for Elijah or the few friends I had at school, I would have been utterly alone. After I graduated high school, they decided they really didn’t want to deal with me anymore. Especially after Oliver disappeared, and I became more of a nuisance for them. They said my mood swings were incessant and unbearable. They couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just “get over it.” Fuck them.

They gave me the house since it was already paid off, so they could leave everything behind and move to Florida. They bought a picture-perfect vacation home–for their perfect fucking life–where they’ve been ever since. I rarely hear from my mother or my father. Only when I’m running low on cash will I ever reach out to them. I know how that sounds… like I’m just a greedy, spoiled girl. I would much rather have their attention, for them to love and accept me for who I am, as opposed to the cold shoulder I receive that accompanies them throwing money my way. But that’s the only time I ever speak to my parents, and they will hand the money over to me so they don’t have to deal with me. I’ve tried working a few part-time jobs. Most of my employers would end up just firing me after my frequent absences or calling out. I have no desire to interact with anyone who isn’t Elijah. My depression has me spiraling deeper and deeper into a black hole by the day. And each day it becomes harder to claw my way back out of it. I just don’t care about anything anymore. I feel like a leech that just sucks and drains the joy out of the room. It makes me wonder how Elijah still puts up with my shit.

You could say I have abandonment issues. Whether it was my parents who couldn’t give a singular fuck about me and how I felt… or my cheating ex-boyfriend vanishing off the face of the earth, it really seems like everyone just leaves me. I’m not worthy of being loved. I don’t deserve happiness or to feel safety in the arms of another. I’m just a fucking invaluable human that takes up space. I’ve told Elijah these thoughts that run rampant through my mind and burn out any positivity. He says none of it is true, because I will always have him. Which I do love and appreciate him for. Elijah is my best friend and like a brother to me. It’s just gut-wrenching when your own flesh and blood decided one day that you weren’t worth their love or attention. The two people that are supposed to love and protect you unconditionally, no matter what, just… don’t.

So, I’ve built up my internal walls, my barriers, so high and so tightly around my heart, that it’s impenetrable. While my heart feels like it’s shattered into millions of pieces, those fallen fragments are composed of pure steel. I refuse to let anyone slither their way into my life. Sure, I can fuck someone and enjoy a night of mindless sex and mediocre orgasms. I’d be content with that. The cost is too great once you’ve allowed someone to permeate your walls. Then your barriers are broken, leaving your heart fully exposed to be ripped apart once more. I know what breaking feels like. I won’t allow myself to crack and splinter any further. I will hold the pieces of my shattered heart in the palm of my hand and squeeze them until they turn into nothing but ash. It will be by my own hand, and no one else’s, ever again.

Elijah bites his bottom lip and walks a few steps until he’s standing in front of me. His eyes are thoughtful as he places his hands on my shoulders. Almost as if he read my mind, he says, “Dani, you are so beautiful, inside and out. You have the biggest heart of literally anybody I know, and you’re worth so much more than you believe. You deserve to be happy, love yourself, and see the gorgeous you that I see. That look I saw in your eyes just now is proof that you’re starting to remember who you were before all that bullshit two years ago. I’m not going to give up on you, so I need you to not give up on yourself either. Don’t let yourself disappear, babe.” I stare at my best friend, tears filling my eyes as he pulls me into his warm embrace. “You better not start crying and ruin all of my hard work, sweet cheeks.” He pulls away to look at me once more. A wide grin spreads across his face.

“Thank you, Eli. For everything. I love you.” I whisper back to him and actually give him a genuine smile.

“I love you too, girl.” He kisses my forehead quickly and then steps away. “You really do look smokin’ hot, Dani. If I were straight, I would definitely be trying to get in your pants.” He cackles at the thought. “I may have overdone it, though, because all the hot boys are gonna be drooling over you and not me. What a pity.” A joking pout settles on his lips while he inspects his perfectly manicured nails. Yeah, he really thinks he is hilarious.

“Shut up, Eli, the beautiful men are all yours. I don’t want any of them, so take your pick.” I’m starting to get antsy; I just want to leave and get this night over with.

“Okay, miss thang, whatever you say.” He crosses his arms across his waist, leaning back slightly to look me over once more. “Have you eaten anything yet today?” Without a pause for me to try and answer, he continues, “Don’t answer that I know you haven’t. Come on. We’re gonna stop on the way so I can feed you first.” Before a protest can leave my lips, he places a finger up in the air, signaling me not to speak. “Getting food is non-negotiable. Women cannot survive on caffeine alone. Come on, sweet cheeks. Let’s go have a good time.”

“Whatever, brat!” Playfully pushing him out of my way, I give him a slight smirk as I walk past him.

Everything Elijah said is the truth, even though it’s hard to hear and even more difficult to believe. I really want to try to love myself again. To forgive and let go of the past.

To feel something. Anything. For Elijah—for myself—I will try.