Chapter Seventeen

Ivy

It had been three days since Luc claimed me as his old lady. Since then, he'd avoided me. Not that I gave a shit about what he did. I had my own problems to worry about. For starters, like how I was going to tell Slash I wanted to go back to my apartment? I needed my own space, and I wouldn't get that when men were watching my every move.

A girl needed some privacy, damn it.

It was bad enough that Logic was all up in my shit, but I couldn't even take a fucking piss without someone following me or asking where I was.

But my biggest problem. The one that consumed me night and day was the fact that since Logic stopped all my meds, my body was slowly normalizing, which heightened my need for sexual gratification. It was bad too. I was fucking horny twenty-four seven. Every itch I scratched only made everything worse. I didn't know if it was my true nature rising to the surface, or because the drugs were working their way out of my system. All I knew was if I didn't get laid fast, I was going to lose my shit.

"You're agitated again."

"Really, Captain Obvious," I snarked.

"Why?"

"It doesn't matter," I muttered, shifting my legs, which only exacerbated my issue. Groaning, I laid my head back against the back of the couch and closed my eyes. Maybe if I imagined myself somewhere uncomfortable, somewhere that grossed me out, this feeling would go away.

Hell, I was willing to try anything at this point.

"This therapy only works if you participate, Ivy."

"I am participating!" I shouted, frustrated. "You can't help me with this."

"How do you know unless you tell me what's bothering you?"

"Really?" I snarked, leaning forward. "You volunteering to whip out your dick and let me ride it until I pass out?"

Logic took a deep breath and closed his little notebook. Getting to his feet, he walked over to his desk, sat in the chair, putting furniture and distance between us. That was smart, because I was seriously contemplating ripping his pants off and giving him the best fucking blowjob he'd ever had.

"I think you need to go find Luc."

"I think you need to mind your own business," I grumbled, then asked, "I thought you said this therapy would work?"

"No. I said I wanted to try it. It's experimental. But what you are feeling is normal, Ivy."

"Oh, really!" I scoffed. "So, me sitting here, thinking of several ways I can seduce you to get you to scratch my itch, is normal?"

Logic gulped. "Ivy, it's going to take time for the meds to leave your system. As your body regulates, desires, yearnings and cravings that once were dormant will rise to the surface. What you are feeling is normal."

"Look, Logic. My sex drive was already off the charts before I stopped taking the meds. It's supercharged without them. I don't just need sex. I fucking crave it. I can't sleep. I can barely do my job here. All I see are hot men with dicks I want to fuck. How the hell is that normal?"

"It's what your mind remembers. You grew up around sex, Ivy. Growing up in a BDSM club has left a lasting impression. It's what your mind knows and it's affecting your libido."

"How do I fix it?" I growled.

"You go see Luc."

"He's avoiding me," I muttered.

"Is he?" Logic questioned. "Or is he waiting for you to come to him?"

Heading out back, I took a seat at the picnic table, leaned my head back, closed my eyes, and soaked up the warm sun. Despite Logic's suggestion to take my concerns to Luc, I couldn't bring myself to do it. My body was still tingling with heightened arousal.

If I went to him, it would be like I were acquiescing to his decree. I still couldn't believe how intense my connection with Luc was. It was electric, off the charts, like fireworks exploding in my body. I knew I'd be foolish not to seize the opportunity he was presenting, but an inexplicable hesitation held me back.

That was the source of my unease.

Because I wanted to.

Throughout my entire life, my father emphasized the importance of prioritizing the satisfaction of men more than anything else. That, as a female, it was my duty to submit. From a young age, I gained the ability to please a man in a multitude of ways by ensnaring their wildest desires. I could evoke a deep-rooted carnality that generally shocked even the most audacious individual.

I knew nothing else.

Male, female, it didn't matter.

The never-ending hedonism displayed by men was a constant observation in my life. Every time I believed I had reached the limit of what I could see or experience, my father would surprise me by teaching me something new. He continued this pattern until I became so skilled that I could perform the task without even waking up from my sleep.

My father used to call me his perfect pain slut. Entrusted by my father, I was brought into the business as a pawn to handle a wide range of tasks, including sealing deals with clients, gathering crucial information, seducing targets, and in extreme cases, carrying out acts of murder. I fulfilled his vision of the perfect fucktoy, and he never missed an opportunity to utilize me for his amusement.

Until he stopped.

I still didn't know why he sold me.

Maybe that was what was bothering me. I had so many fucking unanswered questions, and though I knew none of them really mattered, I still wanted the answers. I wanted to know why me? Why was I so important one minute and discarded like trash the next? More importantly, why was he out there looking for me now? Why, after all these years, did he want me back? He had to know that I would never return to the wretched place where I'd spent my miserable childhood. It took me years to comprehend that the reality of the world bore no resemblance to the exclusive club I'd grown up in. That it wasn't normal to use my body to get what I wanted.

Now it was all I could think about.

I hated this.

I couldn't function like this.

I didn't want to become the person I was before.

"You can't run from your true nature, girly."

Opening my eyes, Gunny smiled down at me, taking a seat next to me.

"Just be who God intended you to be. That's all you can do and to hell with everyone else."

"I'm scared, Gunny."

Wrapping an arm around me, he pulled me closer, hugging me. "It's okay to be scared, Ivy. We all are. But pretending to be someone you're not won't solve a damn thing. This world is a big scary place already, without pretending to be someone else. I say own who you are, embrace it, and wrap it around you like a coat of armor. If people can't handle it, then fuck ‘em. They ain't worth it."

"I don't know how."

"Yes, you do. There are several men in that clubhouse that don't give one fig about your past. All they want to do is help you. I think what's bothering you is that they are men. Am I right?"

I nodded, sniffing.

Gunny sighed. "You don't trust any of them, do you?"

Slowly, I shook my head.

"I want to, but I can't."

"Makes sense," Gunny whispered. "Heard them talking about your past. Gotta say, girl, if I ever see that son of a bitch, I'm gonna read him from the good book."

I chuckled, wiping my tears.

"Think I'd like to see that."

"That man wasn't your daddy, Ivy. No real dad would ever do what he did to you. Just sayin'. There is a special place in Hell for bastards like him."

"That's what Father Dominic told me."

Gunny huffed. "Never agreed with a Catholic before. I'm Southern Baptist. We have our own beliefs and our own ways of dealing with shitheads, but the priest was right."

"Gunny, how do I move past this? I know the club brothers wouldn't hurt me, but I can't trust them. When I look at them, all I can think about is what they really want from me."

"Well, what do you see when you look at me?"

"I see an older man who's had a hard life. A man who's too stubborn to ask for help but will willingly give it. A man who wants to belong to something greater than himself. A man who finds beauty in the simplest things, who loves with his whole heart and will protect those he cares about with every fiber in his soul. I see a good man. An honest and loving man."

"Honey, you just described every brother in that clubhouse. What I think you don't understand is that every man in that building is a different breed of man. We are not civilians. We don't wear suits. We don't put on airs and claim to be something we're not. We fight hard, protect with all our might, and will kill a motherfucker who dares harm one of our own. Luc claimed you, Ivy. He didn't have to do that. He could have killed Los Santanas and walked away without a care in the world. But he didn't. He claimed you before three different clubs, declaring to all that you belonged to him. No brother in a motorcycle club would ever do something like that on a whim. Trust me. I've been around many biker clubs. When a brother takes a woman, it's a big deal. Bigger than a civilian getting married. It's a commitment of trust, honor, and loyalty. Your old man basically said, for all to hear, that you were off-limits. That if anyone dared harm one hair on your head, he would destroy this world to avenge you. He showed you great respect, Ivy."

"He doesn't even like me, Gunny."

Gunny threw his head back and laughed. "Oh please, girl. We've all seen the way he looks at you. Like a man dying of thirst. I may be old, but I ain't blind. The second he laid eyes on you, you sparked something inside that man. Something he hasn't been able to shake. Every time you are in the same room, the man can't take his eyes off you. He watches your every move. Ain't gonna say being with Luc will be easy because it won't. The man is stubborn and refuses to compromise, but I think once you two stop fighting, you will both discover your path."

"How do I deal with my other problem? You know the other thing?" I whispered, my cheeks heating.

"That's easy, girl. Follow Luc's lead."

Groaning, I muttered, "Logic told me basically the same thing."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I don't know how to ask."

Pacing up and down the hall, I nibbled on my thumbnail, thinking how big of a mistake this was. Though Gunny and Logic did have a point. How was I supposed to know anything unless I asked? I mean, it wasn't hard. All I had to do was knock on the door and just ask him. What's the worst thing he could say... no. Not that I thought he would. It was just that I'd never had to ask before. Usually, the men just took what they wanted. I never had to be the one to initiate before.

I was walking into uncharted territory.

What if I couldn't get the words out?

I'd look like a fool.

"Ivy," Gunny whispered loudly, his head peeking around the corner of the wall like a whack-a-mole. If I wasn't so nervous, I would have laughed.

Frantically waving him away, I continued pacing when I heard Logic ask, "What's going on?"

"Ivy's gonna talk with Luc."

"Really? How did you change her mind?"

"Sure as hell didn't use none of those fancy words you use, that's for sure. Gotta speak plain with my girl."

"She looks nervous," Saint added, walking over to them.

"My girl ain't nervous. Go away, you're freaking her out."

"What's going on?" Slash asked, joining the comedic group.

"Shush!" Gunny glared at them before pointing at me, then the door firmly.

"I can't do anything with all you standing there, staring at me. Go away."

The door to Luc's office opened, stopping me in my tracks, as Gina walked out, adjusting her top. Seeing me, she smiled, then slowly wiped her bottom lip with her thumb and winked. Held head high, she sauntered away, chuckling while I just stood there, unmoving.

"Ivy?" I vaguely heard Luc say my name.

Slowly turning toward his voice, I saw him standing in the doorway, looking at me confused. I tried to shut out the thunderous roar in my head, and I clenched my hands tightly.

"Did you need something?"

Blinking, I sneered at the son of a bitch, "I don't need anything from you. Ever!"