18. Tima Talk

Tima Talk

Nicole

T ima blows out a line of smoke, jolting me from my thoughts. “You going to wash those dishes or are you trying to turn your fingers into raisins?” she asks.

I stare down at the dishes in my sink and the barely-there bubbles. I don’t know how long I’ve been standing here and staring into space, my hands idly pushing plates around in the dishpan. My mind has been in a thousand directions lately. Dex. Felix.

Me.

I think about how I’ve changed more than anything these days. Mostly, I consider how much I like myself now. That’s never happened before. There’s always been a voice in the back of my head that I was too skinny. Too fat. Too smart. Too dumb. I couldn’t be the best in the room because I was taught that the men needed to be the best in the room or at least feel like they were.

If there’s one thing meeting Dex and starting work with him has done, it’s shown me that I’m smart. My body is fine the way it is. I can also be the best in the room if I’m dancing with Dex…at least, as far as female partners go.

I was taught to put male feelings above my own, and having men put my feelings ahead of theirs is surreal.

Well, at least Dex puts my feelings above his. Felix still drops me on my ass, the difference between the men and how they treat me being night and day.

But something niggles at my brain when I’m with Felix. Something about the way Dex talks about him – reveres him – makes me think that if I can just crack Felix’s rough outside demeanor, I think he’ll treat me like Dex treats me.

I haven’t seen Tima for a week. We keep missing each other because I’m either at work, she’s at work, I’m training with Felix, or I’m with Dex. Even with a wrap around his knee, I don’t want for anything when I’m with him. He’ll hobble to a restaurant with me, even offering me his arm as much as he can with the crutches in the way. He gave me the most orgasmic foot massage the other night as we talked about our hopes for the contest, and he praised me for how far I’ve come.

I can talk to him about anything.

Almost anything, that is. I can’t talk to him about Felix dropping me. I can’t put that stress on him. Dex may think the sun shines out of my ass, but he thinks the same of Felix. As much as I could get revenge on Felix by showing Dex the bruise on my butt or telling him the mean words Felix whispers as he spins me, I just can’t. I wouldn’t let Dex take me from behind the other night, lest he see the marks and question it.

Deep down, there’s some spark of hope that I can melt Felix’s black heart.

“Penny for your thoughts,” Tima says, nudging me aside and turning on the tap. She fills a floral-patterned glass as I watch, mesmerized.

“Sorry, I’m just thinking.”

“This Dex guy getting to you?” She waggles her eyebrows.

“Dex is fine. Perfect. It’s the other one.”

I pull the drain plug and walk to the kitchen table, my arms still dripping wet. Tima throws me a blue dish towel, and I slink into the plastic chair with a squelching sound. She braces her arms on the counter and squints at me. “The other one good, or the other one bad?”

“Bad. He can be an asshole, but I don’t think that’s really who he is.”

She cringes and makes a sucking noise. “Can’t have that. It’ll end badly for all of you.”

I cross my arms and lean back. Maybe I need an objective opinion here. “Alright, what would you do?”

“You don’t want advice from me.”

“Taking advice from you to go out is why I’m in this pickle. But it brought me to Dex, so I’d like to hear what you suggest.”

“I need to know the whole story first.”

“Dex and Felix are roommates but…more. They’re in love.”

Tima tilts her head like she just heard the sweetest bit of gossip since the Nixon tapes. “They’re boyfriend and…boyfriend?” she asks, wiggling her index finger like they’re in the room and she’s pointing at them. “I thought Dex was falling in love with you?”

“He is. He told me.”

She lets out a low whistle. “Is that why his boyfriend is being a jerk?”

“I don’t know.” I shake my head. “They’ve talked about bringing someone else into their relationship for a long time. They want a family. They want…” My voice trails off, and Tima leans over the counter, holding her breath. “They want more love in their life. Dex would have me living with them if Felix wasn’t dragging his feet.”

“What’s this Felix got against you, anyway?”

I shrug. “I don’t think he’s liked me since day one. He’s one of those guys with an edge and a chip on his shoulder. Dex is a guy who loves anyone he takes a shine to.” I rub my nose as it starts to run, and my eyes sting with tears. “The thing is, I adore Felix when he’s being nice. That’s only when he’s around Dex, but he’s funny. Sweet. I see how he is with him. I see him through Dex’s eyes so much that I question my own judgment. I wish I could make him love me like that.”

“Well, you can’t.”

My head jerks up. “That’s it? ”

She nods and shrugs, her big earrings swaying with her. “You can’t make someone love you.”

“Never? Not even if you’re super nice to them?” This goes against everything I’ve ever been told.

“In my experience, being super nice to someone who is dead set on hating you is the worst thing you can do.”

“What the hell?” I ask.

She nods. “To get under his skin, you’re going to have to act like you’re a bad bitch and you don’t care about his shit. After that, he may fall all over you to look his way.”

“You think I should be mean? Well, not mean, but you think I should just act like I don’t care if he likes me. Stop trying?”

“I don’t know much, and I can’t believe you’re asking me for love advice. I mean, you have it with the Dex guy. You should probably be giving me advice.” She adjusts her bangle bracelets on her left wrist and sighs. “But love is one of those things that can happen quickly if a person is open to it.”

“Dex and I are open to it. Is that why it happened so fast with him?”

“Probably,” she says. “But Mr. Dickhead probably isn’t as open to it. He’s resisting. It almost sounds like he’s a perfectionist and doesn’t believe in love unless every single star aligns. He probably doesn’t see Dex’s flaws, but he sure sees yours.”

“But I could win him over, right?”

“I guess you could, but are you willing to put in that kind of time without guaranteed results? Are you willing to get too enmeshed with Dex, only to be disappointed when Felix, who’s been there longer, puts his foot down and convinces Dex to dump you?”

It’s a legitimate question. Am I peeing into the wind by even trying? What’s the saying? When someone shows you who they are, you believe them. Hasn’t Felix shown me who he is? Why try? Why sit around and worry about Felix?

“What would you do?”

Tima bites her lip and scratches at something on the beat-up counter. “Honestly, Nicole, I’d walk. I’d wash my hands of the whole damn thing. Maybe that’s me never being in true love. But if you stay and can’t win him over, Felix will cause a rift between you and Dex, and that will create a rift between Dex and Felix. I don’t know anything about the world you’re dipping your toe into, honey, but I surmise everyone involved has to be all in. If not, it’ll be a fucking disaster. Someone will get hurt, and the best thing you can do is to make sure that someone isn’t you.”

She picks up her water and walks from the room, leaving me with my thoughts. Actually, they’re her thoughts because I know she’s right. Could I even look in the mirror with the knowledge that I tore Felix and Dex apart? I love Dex so much I couldn’t do that to him.

Now I know how that mother in the King Solomon Bible story about the baby felt. I remember it from Sunday school, and I never thought I’d apply it in real life, certainly not about a bisexual couple in Chicago. But I can’t help but think about the mother in that story willing to give her baby to another woman to save it. It was an act of true love – giving up what she knew was rightfully hers so it would be protected.

I may be falling in love with Dex, and he may love me, but I can’t let him tear his world apart for me. It’s not just his relationship with Felix. Felix is Dex’s world and part of his business.

As soon as this dance contest is over, I’m telling Dex that I can’t be with him. Well, maybe not as soon as it’s over. I’ll need to find the right time to lessen the hurt. But I can’t do this.

To any of us.