4. Everest

CHAPTER FOUR

Everest

“So, how’s it going?”

A more difficult question has never been asked.

My hands pause in the middle of unzipping my suitcase, my back tense as Elton’s stare drills into me. It makes me wonder exactly what he’s asking. Is he wondering how the unpacking is going? How my life is going? I don’t think anyone’s ever over-thought a question as simple as his. But here I am, unsure how to answer.

“Good,” I finally say, then continue unzipping my suitcase. I start to unpack my clothes, but the silence I’m greeted with makes me pause again. Elton is many things, but silent isn’t one of them. I turn around, seeing that he hasn’t broken his stare. “What?”

“That’s it?” he asks, raising a curious eyebrow at me. “Good? Are you still friends with Hunter and Kaden? What do you like to do in your free time? Do you have a girlfriend? Come on, bro. Give me something.”

Hunter and Kaden used to be friends of mine, but I haven’t hung out with them in ages. I don’t really have any friends besides Knox nowadays, but there’s no way for Elton to know that. Everyone else is just… I don’t know how to describe it. Talking to people I don’t know, trying to socialize, attempting to prove my worth, it’s all just too much. It makes my skin clammy even thinking about hanging out with those guys again. I can’t tell Elton that, though, so I just smile. “The guys are good.”

“And the girlfriend part?” he pushes, getting up to unpack one of the cardboard boxes by the door. “You have a special lady who’s going to be coming around?”

I chuckle dryly at that. Honestly, when you think about it, it’s kind of pathetic how little he knows about me. Still my laugh is forced, awkward and robotic, like I haven’t made that noise in so long my throat has forgotten how to formulate the sound. “I’m actually not attracted to women.”

He freezes and lifts his head. I know my brother doesn’t have a homophobic bone in his body. I can tell he’s shocked, but I’m certain it’s just over the fact he didn’t know. “That’s cool. So, you got a special guy, then?”

I flush and shake my head. Yeah, I’m definitely not telling Elton about my fuck-buddy-ish relationship with his former dealer turned irrational irritation.

My mouth feels dry as I try to form words, just wishing for Elton to get out. Get out and leave me alone so I can crawl under the covers. Do something so I don’t have to listen to the thoughts in my head that get so loud sometimes, so unnerving. When I see the expectant and hopeful look on his face, I cave.

I can do this. I don’t want to be weak and cowardly. He’s my brother and I should be able to have a normal conversation with him without feeling like I’m about to throw up. “No. No boyfriend.”

“Not interested?” he questions, removing my sneakers from the box. “You know us Hill men are heartbreakers. Do you have to fight them off you?”

I shake my head again. “Um, no.”

His face falls and I realize I’ve failed. I can’t even have a simple conversation with him. All I do is disappoint people—my parents who just wanted an Ivy League school for me, my brother who just wants my love, Rhys who just wanted a future—and I wish the world would swallow me alive.

“Do you want to hear about Spain?” he questions, setting down my sneakers and moving on to the next box filled with books. “It’s a really cool program. You know they only accepted two candidates? I didn’t think I would get it, so I was shocked as shit when I got the letter. Isn’t that crazy?”

“The craziest,” I mumble, turning to hang the shirts in the closet.

“Yeah, and it’s going to be awesome! We get our choice of accommodations. We’re basically just going to be running errands for the suits while we’re there, working almost every hour of the day, but it’s Spain . Have you ever seen pictures of Valencia?”

I shake my head, trying to picture a beautiful Spanish coast, but my mind can’t seem to conjure up any images. “No.”

“Oh, well, it’s cool! It’s like a mix of traditional and contemporary. Would you be interested in maybe coming to visit me while I’m there? Man, we’d have the greatest time. Mom and Dad would totally shell out for it. I can take you everywhere and we can hang out for, like, a week and?—”

I can’t do this. It’s too much. Too much pressure, too much hassle, too much expectancy. I cough and clear my throat, scratching the back of my neck as I look at him. “Elton?”

“Yeah?” he asks, his eyes bright as he stops his rambling and pauses halfway through color sorting my shoes. “You want to play some COD? The couch in the living room isn’t comfortable for shit, but I’ve got bean bag chairs in my room, and we could?—”

“I’m tired,” I blurt out, wincing when I see the way he crumbles in on himself. I tell myself to take it back. To accept his invitation. To just be fucking normal , but I can’t. “Can I maybe just take a nap?”

He hesitates, but then nods slowly as he puts down my sneakers. His head hangs low as he walks over to the door. After a second, he perks up, smile back in place as he bounces on his heels. “Yeah, totally. Dinner, though? I’ve actually gotten really good at cooking lately. I make a bomb-ass ratatouille?—”

“I’m not really hungry,” I say with a small shrug, the need to escape growing more and more urgent, thrumming through my veins, and pounding with each word I speak.

“Everest,” he says, suddenly serious as he steps back into my room. Dark eyebrows furrowed, he reaches me and places a hand on my shoulder. He opens his mouth to say something, but shuts it quickly. He thinks over his words before giving me a squeeze. “I love you, bro. You know that, right?”

I can’t seem to form any words, so I just nod. I think he’s expecting me to say it back, but it just won’t come out. I don’t know why, especially because all my life he’s been nothing but incredible. Still, the guilt and humiliation I’ve carried with me makes it impossible to say it back.

“I’m really tired,” I mutter, averting my gaze so I don’t see the way my disregard cuts through him.

He stays still, but after a second, lets me go. “Well, if you change your mind about COD or food, just text me, yeah?”

I nod once more but have no intention of doing either of those things. I hadn’t realized how sweaty my palms have gotten until I bring them up to run my hands down my face. Frustration, annoyance, disappointment—I’m feeling everything all at once and it’s so exhausting .

I look up when I hear a throat clear and my cheeks heat at Rhys, who stands by the door. He’s leaning against the frame, arms crossed over his chest, backward baseball cap nestled securely on his head.

He doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t have to. I know for a fact he heard that exchange because it’s written all over his face. I also don’t have to guess what he thinks about it because it’s loud as a war call. My breath hitches as the message is delivered loud and clear.

You fucking suck.

You’re a terrible brother.

I feel sorry he got saddled with you.

I quickly rush to my door, slamming it shut just as he turns his back to walk away. My chest heaves, breaths coming in short pants, eyes watering. I collapse onto my bed and curl into myself, tucking my knees against my chest as it all becomes too much. I try to calm down by letting my mind wander somewhere else.

Somewhere far away. Somewhere I’m playing lacrosse on a large field, the roaring of the crowd behind me. Somewhere in Europe with Elton. Somewhere happiness exists and peace can be found.

Somewhere I don’t hate myself as much as I do right now.