44. Everest

CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

Everest

“Hey, can I come in?”

I freeze midway through putting on my sock. Whipping my head to my bedroom door, I gulp when I see Elton standing right at the open crack. I was going to head to the gym to try to clear my head, maybe come up with enough courage to approach Elton, but that doesn’t look like it’ll be needed anymore.

“Elton? Yeah, definitely. Um, sure,” I mumble, the words just pouring clumsily out of my mouth.

He walks in and closes the door behind him. Leaning back, he shoves his hands in his pockets and gives me a shaky smile. “You have a second to talk?”

My heartbeat quickens. Oh shit . It’s happening. “I have all the seconds,” I rush out. “Hours. We can talk for as long as you want. Or as little as you want. Um, we could?—”

“You don’t have to be nervous, you know? I’m your brother. I should be one of the people you’re most comfortable with.” He drops his head with a humorless chuckle and a shrug. “Although that’s probably not the case.”

“I’m sorry,” I say, not entirely sure what I’m apologizing for. For everything, I guess. Because he’s right. It shouldn’t be this awkward to even just greet him, regardless of the conversation it’ll lead to.

Lifting his head, he raises an eyebrow. There’s no anger in his expression. If anything, it’s unusually hardened and cold. Like he holds all the cards and isn’t giving anything up. “Care to elaborate?”

This isn’t a conversation we should have standing uncomfortably across from each other. I point at the little futon in front of the television, and he nods. We both sit on either side of it, keeping an immense distance. He turns to me fully, however, with his elbows propped on his knees and his chin in his hands, giving me his full attention. There’s so much to apologize for, and I’m not too sure where to start, so I go with the biggest elephant in the room.

“I’m sorry that I kept my relationship with Rhys from you,” I say, wringing my fingers. “It wasn’t fair to either of you, and I apologize.”

“You know…” He clicks his tongue. “That really doesn’t make me feel better.”

I wince. I didn’t expect my apology to go over swimmingly, but I never thought he’d be so blunt about it. “If I could take it back and tell you sooner, I would. I?—”

He stops me with a sharp hand in the air. “That’s not the point, Everest. I want to know. Why do you hate me?”

I gasp lightly, shaking my head in confusion, not too sure how we jumped to that. “I don’t hate you.”

“Fine. Then why do you not like me?” he asks with a roll of his eyes. “Why do you avoid spending time with me? We used to be so close. What the fuck happened?”

“Elton…”

“I just want the truth. No matter how tough it is to hear, I think I deserve that.”

Immediately, my hands begin to sweat. My heartbeat races and there’re little electric zaps stinging my fingertips. I’m almost ashamed and embarrassed to tell him the truth. I’ve only gone to one therapy session so far, where my counselor encouraged me to have this very conversation with Elton, but I hadn’t thought I was ready. I might still not be, but there’s no running from this now. It would be a cowardly thing to do, wouldn’t it? Taking the easy way out and omitting the root of the problem could work, but I owe Elton more than that.

Most importantly, I owe myself more.

“It’s a long story,” I say with a weak chuckle, scratching the back of my neck.

He shrugs, still the picture of seriousness, not giving an inch. “You said you had hours.”

Taking in a deep, shuddering breath, I ready myself. I lace my fingers together to stop my trembling and ignore the way my leg shakes. “I don’t hate you. You’re my brother. Even if you weren’t, you’re irritatingly charming and hilarious. There’s no reason anyone wouldn’t want you as a friend.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“ That …” I begin, losing the twitching battle as I throw my hands in the air, more out of frustration with myself than anything else. “Things changed after I couldn’t play lacrosse anymore. I realized everything that made me special was gone. Without lacrosse, I was just living in your shadow.”

I bite my lip as the truth slips out. His eyes widen, mouth opening and closing like he’s trying to find the words, which is rare for Elton. Finally, he must knock himself out of his daze because he scoots closer. “That’s so not true.”

“Reasonably, I know that, but it felt like it. It felt like I’d never be as good as you. You were always so smart, and I struggled in school. I could be awkward, but you’d steal the show.”

“So that’s why you pulled away?”

I wet my lips. “Not quite…”

Everything I thought was in the past comes back to the surface, and I was an idiot who believed it would never have to be revisited.

I never asked Rhys why he didn’t tell Elton what happened that night four years ago. It felt wrong to poke at old memories we were trying to move past. A big part of me doesn’t want to bring it up. There’s a way to answer Elton’s question without diving into the details of my mistake?—

No.

The truth. What do people say? It sets you free? I’ve been living with this lead weight in my stomach for years. Yes, I have anxiety. Yes, I feel inferior to my brother. Yes, these two things have caused me to pull away, but it’s more than that too.

Guilt.

The guilt of what I did to Rhys drove me away. The guilt of ruining his life made me afraid. And it isn’t until now that I realize that guilt hasn’t gone anywhere. It should have left when Rhys and I decided to move forward, but I still feel it churning in my gut.

Because it’s not just Rhys’s life I changed that night. It was my brother’s too.

“What did Rhys tell you about the night he got arrested?” I ask.

Elton’s brow furrows, nose wrinkling as he tries to think back to it. “I can’t remember. Whatever he said was bullshit, though, because Rhys doesn’t even do drugs, let alone be dumb enough to get caught with them.”

The moment of truth. The last hurdle. The final moment.

I am not a coward.

I will not let my mistake define me.

I am worthy of forgiveness.

“It was me.”

The dots don’t seem to connect. “What was?”

“Those were my drugs,” I spell out, bracing myself for his reaction. “Rhys got caught with my drugs. Rhys got arrested because of me .”

It takes a second for my words to register, but when they do, Elton explodes.

“You did what?” he shouts, jumping to his feet. “Pills, Everest? I know I used to smoke in college, but I never fucked with that.” He starts pacing in front of me, talking more to himself than to me now. “We need to get you help. You are more than your addiction, bro. This doesn’t have to define you?—”

While it’s touching and all, he’s missing the point. I stand too, grabbing his shoulder to stop him and clarify myself. “Elton, I’m fine. I don’t have a problem. I didn’t back then, and I don’t now.”

“Why did you have them then?” He looks at me skeptically, like he’s trying to sniff out the truth.

This is where the shame burns bright yet again. “Because I was confused. I was hurting—physically and emotionally—and I thought maybe they’d help. But then Rhys…”

“Go on.”

“Rhys caught me buying from Knox?—”

“That fucker?”

“Cool it,” I snap. “He’s my best friend.”

“Best friend? Jesus Christ, I don’t even know you anymore,” he mutters, dragging his hand down his face.

The weight of that passive comment hits me and the truth behind it stings. There are tears welling in my eyes, but I fight them back. No matter how hard this is, I have to keep going. I need Elton to know everything if I want a chance of having a relationship with him.

Because I want him to know me. I haven’t been acting like it, but I know that I do. It was just always so hard to get there, but I’m so close now.

“Yeah, you don’t,” I say grimly, the words paining me to say. “After that night, the guilt ate me alive. Just being around you reminded me of what I’d done, of what I was too cowardly to do, and I took the easy way out. I couldn’t stand what you would think of me if you knew I ruined Rhys’s life.”

He snaps his head up and frowns. “Ev…”

“It would be the final nail in the coffin.” Voice cracking, my vision blurs. “I’m just not good enough. I ruin everything I touch. I?—”

I’m cut off when Elton drags me against him. He hugs me tightly, arms bracketed around my shoulders, and I let it all out. The sob I was trying to contain breaks free. I’m not a grown man, but a child clinging to his brother’s comfort. And holy shit, I’ve missed this. I’ve missed feeling close with Elton, safe with him, like I could tell him anything.

“It’s okay, little bro,” he says softly as he pats my back. “It’s all alright. I’ve got you.”

“I’m really sorry, Elton,” I cry, wetting his t-shirt with my tears. “I just never knew how to talk to you.”

He places his hands on my shoulders to push me back. His eyes are light, not condescending, but gentle. “But we can move on from that now, right? I’ve got you and you’ve got me. We’re a team again.”

It’s music to my ears. A team. That’s what was missing. Elton and Everest against the world. The dynamic duo that used to do everything together. Siblings who had each other’s backs and would do anything for the other.

“Yeah,” I sniffle. “We are.”

He smiles brightly, ruffling my hair like he used to when we were kids. “Shit, Ev. I can’t wait to get to know you again.”

“Me too,” I say, hesitating for only a second before hugging him. Chuckling, he continues patting my back and lets me get it all out.

We’re not perfect. We still have issues we need to overcome. Four years of distance isn’t going to mend itself, but it’s a start.

And, for the first time in four years, that burning pressure in my stomach—the guilt—is gone.