Chapter Twenty Four

Chapter Twenty Four

Faye

We gathered up our things and left Topaz and Demelza to lock up. The taxi ride was uncomfortable, at far ends of the backseat while I cried quietly and he kept brooding. I wanted to reach out, wanted to talk it through and unravel the knots, untwist the lies and the secrets and, I don’t know, feel like this mess would somehow be ok again. But I didn’t feel like that. The twitch was already starting, too much pressure, too much awkwardness.

He knew my dirty bad secrets, and I knew his.

How could we look at each other the same way now?

That’s what kept me crying, all the way back to his. And it was his again now, not home, not ours. Nowhere close. I opened the door and left him to pay the driver, then waited while he led the way upstairs. He held the door open and I crossed the threshold of the place I’d come to belong in.

I never belong anywhere for long.

I always have to run away too soon.

I went into the guest room, pulled out my case from under the bed, and he was right there, in the doorway, his hands behind his head in disbelief. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Going,” I said. “I need to think.”

“Bailing, you mean?”

I shrugged. “Think what you want.”

“We’re going to go through this again now, are we? The going gets a bit fucking tough and Faye Devere gets fucking going? Where are you going to fucking run to this time, Faye?”

I shrugged again. “My parents’, Karen’s.”

“Do you really have to be like this?”

“Like what?” I snapped. “Hurt?”

“How can you stand there and condemn me for hurting you? You just escaped a filthy fucking psychopath, and you’re accusing me of being the fucking bad guy here. Lord give me fucking strength.” He strode about the place, and then he got angry, I could see it in his eyes. “Fine. You think I’m the fucking bad guy, I’ll be the fucking bad guy. Go, fuck off, do whatever you want. Just don’t come back expecting open arms next pissing time around.”

“I won’t, Andy, don’t you worry.”

“One crappy piece of paper and everything’s the end of the pissing world. Grow up, Faye, put your big girl fucking panties on and stay the fucking course, will you?”

“You don’t even care!” I hissed. “You don’t think this is a big deal to me! It’s a big deal!”

“You’re a big fucking deal to me, Faye. I wouldn’t fucking bail on you this quickly, it’s pathetic.”

“Except you did,” I snapped. “You did bail on me, after three months when you stole my directorship from me without me knowing.”

“Fine,” he said. “Have it your fucking way.”

And then he slammed the door.

My heart smashed, it fucking smashed, and it wasn’t because of Vincent, or Italy, or even because of Andy Morgan’s secrets, it’s because I knew I was fucking myself, running when I should have been standing and fighting. But I was too far gone, too committed, too fucking me.

I opened the wardrobe door, started piling my clothes in heaps, and I was already calculating my get-out route, down south in a cab to Mum and Dad’s, and from there who knows? A fresh start. Another fresh fucking start.

A slip fell from its hanger, pooling at the bottom of the wardrobe, I cursed as I went for it. The slippery little piece of crap had fallen behind a load of Andy’s storage stuff, some old records, and a framed map and something else in a frame. I pulled it out to free some space, and it knocked me sideways.

It was me and him. A print in black and white,and I was smiling. Opening night. He had his hands on my waist, and his lips to my cheek and I was grinning happy. So happy.

I’d loved him then. I’d loved him so much I could hardly fucking bear it. I’d loved every minute I’d spent with him, and then it wasn’t enough anymore. It was never enough.

I had no idea he’d loved me, too. No idea.

But I did now.

A sob in my throat, and I dropped to my backside, just me and that picture and my stupid dramatic bitch of a heart.

“I’m still here.” His voice came through the door and he was right on the other side. He tapped the door to illustrate, and the sound was low down, lower than the handle. I pictured him there, sitting on the floor, his legs up to his chest in the corridor. I scooted along with the picture, propping myself against the other side. Just a couple of inches apart. So close and yet so fucking far.

“I can’t stay,” I cried.

“You can,” he said. “You just have to want to.”

“But everything…” I sobbed. “It’s such a mess.”

“I can’t undo taking your name off the directorship, but I can put it back on there, in a flash. And as for Vincent, and whatever other crap there is to work through, we’ll do that, too. None of it fucking matters if you’re here, Faye, we can work it out. You just have to stay. Have to want to stay.”

“I don’t know, Andy…” And the tears kept coming. “I found your picture… of us…”

“Which one? I’ve got quite a few.”

“Opening night, black and white.”

I heard him laugh. “That doesn’t narrow it down much, Faye. I’ve got quite a few of them, too.”

“You’re kissing my cheek. I’m wearing that dress with the buckles.”

“Ah, yes. It used to be in the living room, above the dining table, far wall.”

“Why did you take it down?”

“Besides the fact that you’d bailed to fuck some other guy and leave me with a club to run on my own, you mean?”

“Yes, besides that.” The slightest relief in my chest, the slightest flutter of something nice.

“I was trying to move on. It’s not much of a pussy magnet believe it or not. Puts the chicks off.”

“Does it?” I bit my lip to stop a giggle.

“I wouldn’t know, to be honest it never really came to that, it was just pre-emptive. You ruined me for anyone else, Faye.”

Oh my heart. It jumped a mile. “I did?”

“Yes. You did.” He sighed. “Can you please open this door? Can we just talk, Faye? Please. I just want to talk to you.”

I brushed the dust from the picture frame and looked again at my smile, and I knew, I knew how I felt then and I knew how I really felt now, and it was worth fucking fighting for. Worth staying for.

“I love you,” I said.

“Sorry?” his voice was nothing but shock. “What did you say?”

I sighed. “I said I love you. I should have just said it before I went running off.”

“Or I should have.”

“Yeah, you should have.” I pressed my head to the door.

“There’s those fucking secrets again,” he said. “I think we should try and avoid them in the future, don’t you?”

I grinned, laughed, just enough that I heard him moving. “I think it would be for the best, yes.”

His hand on the door handle, I could hear it, and I was up, on my feet, my hand on there too.

“Can I come in, Faye?”

I took a breath. “It’s your fucking apartment, Andy.”

The door swung open and he was there. His face a picture I’d never forget. Sorry, and relieved, and angry, and pissed off and sore and scared and all of those things at once. “Our apartment, Faye. It’s been our apartment since you got here. You don’t need a piece of fucking paper to tell you that. It just is.” He smiled, and he was more nervous than I’d ever seen him. “Stay,” he whispered. “Please just fucking stay with me, I don’t want to do this without you.”

“You did it just fine already,” I said. “You didn’t need me, Andy, you did just fine on your own.”

“I did need you. I just made do. And now I know just how much better it is with you back here I don’t want to do it alone. Please, Faye, just fucking stay. I’m asking you to stay.” He raised an eyebrow. “Do you want me to fucking beg, is that it? Because I’ve got a pretty sore fucking asshole, and my knuckles are pounding like a bastard, and I’m tired, and fucking achy, and my back is covered with fucking war wounds.” He rolled his eyes, “But I will beg, if that’s what it will take to get your crazy fucking ass back in my bed where it belongs.”

“Beg,” I whispered. “On your knees.”

He sighed. “You’re pushing your fucking luck, Faye Devere.”

He knelt for me. Andy Morgan knelt at my fucking feet, and he brushed his fingertips up my thighs, and pulled me close. “Stay,” he said. “Please, for the love of God and everything fucking sacred, for my sake, for your sake, for our fucking club’s fucking sake, please just fucking stay with me.”

I laughed, and it was a good laugh. A happy laugh. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and held him tight.

So fucking tight.

It felt so fucking right.

“Is that a yes?” he said.

“It was a yes ten minutes ago.” I smiled. “I just wanted to hear you beg.”

***