MADDOX

BORED SENSELESS, I restlessly scrolled down Instagram, hoping something would catch my interest. The bikini selfies that littered my feed each and every summer were usually pretty enjoyable to look at, but today I could barely bring myself to zoom in on the good bits. I was mutuals with lots of cute girls from my high school, so their looks definitely weren’t the problem. I hadn’t cared about any of the girls at that party either. Maybe I was just too tired from all my classwork and swim club practices? But I’d always been heavy into extracurriculars, at the insistence of my dad, and I’d never had problems with interest in girls before.

It was Saturday, so no swim practice. I’d already hit the gym that morning, and my brain was burned out from scouring my biology textbook. I needed a break from studying. I’d exhausted all the good social media feeds and my brain still wasn’t buzzing with dopamine, so as a desperate last resort I switched over to Facebook. Sure, it was mostly outdated and unfunny memes about minions and not being able to function without coffee in the morning, but maybe for once someone would post something interesting.

Regret instantly consumed me as I hit a post from my mom complaining about my dad being late to pick up the twins for his weekend. It wasn’t even remotely vague or subtle, she’d literally used his name. And under the post were comments from my aunts and my mom’s friends with angry emojis and generic responses about men.

Rolling my eyes to the ceiling, I closed out the app and dropped my phone onto my nightstand. She obviously had no idea how insanely embarrassing it was that she was always airing out our family’s dirty laundry on Facebook. But it’s not like my dad was any better, always asking us what she was spending his child support payments on and bringing up shit from the past that she’d nagged him over.

Turning over, I groaned lightly as I shoved my face into my pillow. College was so fucking different than I’d expected. I wasn’t used to this restlessness, or feeling so unfulfilled. And how the hell was I feeling so shitty when I was passing all my classes, excelling in athletics, and having at least somewhat of a decent social life? I was checking all the boxes, but I didn’t feel like I was succeeding in anything. I was lost, and it seemed like I was the only one feeling that way.

Everyone else was so settled, so comfortable already. Even Ren, who seemed to have a slew of insecurities, was cozy and nestled into his little friend group. Even if they were basically the human representation of the Island of Misfit Toys. But even so, I’d actually had fun hanging out with them, which was a hell of a lot more than I could say for the times I’d been forced to spend time with my teammates outside of practices.

I hadn’t hung out with Ren since that night, since we’d both been kind of busy with classes and homework and whatever else. But we’d set up our next session to work on the assignment for today. Maybe it was a stupid idea to go to a popular pizza place right on the beach on the nicest Saturday we’d had since I’d come to the school, but whatever. We’d been texting here and there, which felt kind of weird. Conversations with guy friends through text usually consisted of asking what was up, do you want to hang out, and then yeah or no.

But we were actually discussing things and talking about ourselves. I’d found out he was going for a software engineering degree, which definitely tracked. What other kind of career would a dweeb like that be interested in? When I’d told him I was getting mine in sports medicine, he sent a bunch of emojis of a face with dollar signs for eyes and said I would definitely be really successful. Complete dork. And yet, I couldn’t stop responding and looking forward to his messages.

Before heading out, I glanced at myself in the mirror. My shirt was wrinkled, so I grabbed a new one from the drawer. I kept a pretty casual hairstyle, most days I just rubbed a bit of pomade through it after my post-swim shower to give it some texture, so I was okay there. Grabbing my cologne off the dresser, I suddenly froze, narrowing my eyes at my reflection. What the fuck was I doing? Slowly setting it back down, I shook my head. I wasn’t going on a date. I was getting pizza and working on an assignment. It didn’t matter if I looked or smelled good.

When I got to Luciano’s, it was packed. I wasn’t surprised. It was family-owned, so the prices were good and the portions were big, and right on the beach. They also had healthy options like cauliflower crust, so I wouldn’t be completely decimating my calories for the day without hitting my macros.

I scanned the room for Ren, eyes roaming over the simple booths and tables. It was mostly couples and groups, the sound of mindless chatter filling up the space so I could barely hear myself think. As I walked a few steps inside, glancing around, I finally heard his voice from the direction of the booths in the back. And he sounded harassed.

“But like I said, I’m meeting someone!” I heard him say. As I got closer, I saw there was a guy in board shorts standing at the booth with a girl in a bikini top and shorts at his side. He was hulking over the table in what I’m sure he thought was an intimidating manner.

“Well, your friend ain’t here,” he said. “It’s bullshit, taking up a whole booth just for yourself. Go sit at the bar.”

“I said he’s coming,” Ren argued, steadfastly holding his backpack down onto the table, the universal sign for reserved . Bless his loyal and courageous heart. “I’m not moving.”

“Do you really want to get your ass kicked over a seat?” The girl asked, tossing her mane of blonde hair over her shoulder as she put a hand on her hip.

“Hey, can you fucking move?” I finally piped up, tired of watching the exchange. There were other booths that only had one person in them, but this sweaty, middle-aged asshole had obviously thought Ren would be an easy target for snagging one. “I’m trying to sit down.”

The guy whirled to face me, but his aggressive posture instantly wilted once he took in my appearance. I’d never been the biggest guy on any team I’d been on but my height, broad shoulders, and defined arms were a pretty obvious indicator that I was in better shape than this random beach slob.

When he struggled to come up with some kind of response, I gave him an incredulous look. “Yeah, I meant you. Get out of my way. I’m trying to sit down.” I pushed past him, checking him with my shoulder as I plopped down across the table from Ren, who stared up at the guy like a minimum wage cashier who’d just been saved from a Karen by his store manager. I stared up at the guy expectantly, but he only muttered something about snot-nosed brats under his breath and stalked off, his spluttering girlfriend following close behind.

“Assholes,” I said, watching them until they disappeared from sight before turning back to him. “Did you order anything yet?”

“No, I was waiting for you,” he said, then glanced at the time on his phone. “Hey, you’re a little bit early! Thanks for not making me wait.”

“… Yeah. No problem.” Did he have to sound so pathetically grateful and sweet all the time? It was hard to know how to respond. “Do you know what you want? We should probably put something in now, so we don’t starve waiting for it.”

We decided to split a pizza. He agreed to the cauliflower crust, to my relief. I wasn’t too picky about toppings, so I thought for once I’d be easygoing and tell him to just get everything on it.

“Unless there’s something you don’t like, then you can just leave it off.”

“Oh. Um…” He hesitated, looking at me hesitantly. “Actually, I don’t really like any toppings. I like cheese pizza.”

“No toppings?” I repeated, hoping he was screwing with me. Then again, he definitely wasn’t the it’s a prank bro type. He was just weird. “Like, none at all?”

“I mean, I can just pick everything off!” He offered quickly, wringing his hands together on top of the table.

I scoffed, shaking my head. “There’d be nothing but crust left. Let’s just get it half and half.”

“Oh! That’s a really good idea! Let’s do that!”

The suggestion of getting a half-and-half pizza didn’t feel worthy of the adoration and praise in his voice, so I could only clear my throat. “Why don’t you go order it, and I’ll guard the table.” A job that he apparently couldn’t handle without me. What made it really funny was that when I’d been scared shitless of the movie the night before, I’d been the one gripping onto him, as if he could protect me from any chainsaw-wielding maniacs that happened to waltz onto campus. Of course, it would have taken some very creative forms of torture to get me to ever admit any of that out loud. At least it had been dark so no one else could have seen. And he was way too nice to tease me about it.

When he returned a few minutes later, he handed me a plastic tumbler with the restaurant’s logo on it and a paper- wrapped straw. The soda dispenser machine had a pretty good variety, but I fell back on my old faithful, orange soda with a little bit of Sprite in it. It was a combo I’d discovered purely by accident, but it was a favorite. When I got back to the table, Ren’s eyes darted from my cup to my face a few times.

“Hey, did you mix orange and Sprite together?” He asked.

“Yeah, I do that all the time. It’s really good.”

“Can I try it?”

“Uh, yeah?” I answered, confused by his question. The restaurant was clear about the free refills, so I didn’t know why he felt like he needed to ask me. Then I felt my mouth drop open a little as his hand whipped over from his side of the table, grasping my cup.

I’d always heard people tell stories and claim that they watched something happen in slow motion, but I’d never experienced it until that moment. My abdominal muscles clenched and my fingers spasmed in my lap, like I was having to fight off my instinctual urge to snatch my cup back from him. Was he going to use my straw? I’d already taken a sip from that. My lips had touched that straw, and now his were also going to touch it? He actually had pretty nice lips, for a guy. They looked soft and had a nice color to them. Wait, why was I even noticing that?

An intense wave of relief and… something… washed over me as he bypassed my straw and sipped directly from the cup. The ice cubes made a clink against the side as they shifted, and a drop of condensation dripped down the outside to slide over one of his fingers. I hadn’t noticed before, but he actually had pretty big hands. Wide palms and long fingers.

“Hey, it’s actually really good!” He said, completely oblivious to the weird shit going on in my head as he set the cup back over on my side. “Did you name it anything?”

“Orange soda and Sprite.”

He laughed, like I’d made a funny joke. His laugh made my stomach muscles clench again, for some stupid reason. I quickly decided we should just start working on the writing assignment while we waited. Surely he wouldn’t be able to find anything to laugh at if we were doing that. But I found myself staring down at his hands as he typed on his laptop, noticing the way his long fingers pecked at the keys. What the fuck was wrong with me? Was I going insane?

When they called out our order number, he jumped up.

“Do you want to go grab the pizza?” I asked, pointlessly. Clearly he did, or he wouldn’t have jumped up. But all these weird thoughts were gumming my brain up.

“Yeah, I can get it!” He eagerly scampered off to complete the task. It took every ounce of self control I had not to watch him walk away. I definitely didn’t care to know what kind of lean, toned musculature he might have. That would be certifiably insane. And I was certifiably sane. Usually. But why was I even forming theories about what some guy’s body was like? That should have been the last thing on my mind.

Heaving the deepest sigh I’d ever sighed, I gulped down the rest of my drink before getting a refill. I was very, very thirsty. But for some very strange reason, I suddenly had the distinct feeling that orange soda and Sprite weren’t exactly going to cut it this time in terms of quenching that thirst.

We took a break from working to eat. The pizza was pretty damn good, I had to admit, but apparently I wasn’t liking it anywhere near as much as Ren. He kept making these noises that sounded like they were from a porno. Or at least, that’s how they sounded to me.

There was no way in hell I was sitting in a booth in a public fucking restaurant, with the world’s most oblivious, air-headed nerd, getting turned on from a guy’s weird pizza appreciation sounds. That wasn’t happening in any universe, least of all this one. I wasn’t gay. And I wasn’t weird. And none of this bizarre fever dream that had been going on since Monday was real.

Annoyance and frustration welled up in me, tensing my muscles. If anything, it was his fault for making everything so weird. Calling me out as his friend in front of everyone at the party, and making me into some creep, almost lighting someone’s house on fire. He was the one acting all clingy, texting me all the time, like we were boyfriends or something. And then introducing me to his gay friends like we were on some double date. I didn’t ask for any of that. I was just trying to be nice to the guy.

“You know, I heard some people talking about food trucks on the boardwalk,” Ren said, between bites. “There’s one that does all this weird stuff, like sushi pizza and grilled barbecue mac and cheese. Have you seen it?”

“No.” He was only making it worse, being so nice and so friendly and so damn… I didn’t even know how to describe it.

“Me neither!” He said, reaching out to grab his soda and take a long slurp from the straw. My eyes, of their own accord and completely not from my command, darted to his lips again. If I’d hung out with a billion guys in my life, and only one of them made me have these weird ass thoughts, then it was him that was the problem, not me. “We could check them out together! I’ve been wanting to take a day and go to the boardwalk.”

“Just me and you?” I asked, barely able to keep from gritting my teeth. It was undeniable proof. He was trying to go on some weird date with me.

“Well, yeah, or we could invite some people if you think that would be more fun.”

Oh sure, let’s invite some people so we could show off what a cutesy, adorable couple we were. We might as well just get married and suck each other off on the boardwalk so everyone could think that I was gay and into some ditzy, socially awkward computer nerd. With a dick.

“Look.” With my frustration reaching its bubbling point, I smacked my hand down on the table, hard enough to rattle our cups and Ren’s laptop. He jumped, obviously startled, and gave me an incredulous look. “I’m not going on some weird date with you, okay? Get that out of your head.”

“Jeez!” He complained, looking wounded. A small part of me felt a bloom of guilt, but was quickly stamped out by my frustration. “You don’t have to go all caveman like that. And what do you even mean, date?”

“Just because you’re gay, don’t go… You know, making us into a couple or something, alright? I’m not gay.”

“I’m not gay! I had a girlfriend through most of high school!” He protested. But even though he said that, I could see a dark blush starting to bleed through his skin. “I wasn’t even saying anything weird, I just said we should check out some food trucks!”

“You wanted to split that eclair with me the other day! That’s what guys do for their girlfriends . I’m not your girlfriend!”

Shaking his head as if he had to clear it, he stared at me like I was insane. “I only did that because you didn’t want to eat a whole one! You sound crazy!”

“I’m not crazy!” I snapped, rising from the table. “You’re obsessed with me! Thinking about me all the time, and texting me so I think about you all the time!”

Ren blinked, staring at me, with some look in his eye like he’d finally figured out some confusing puzzle. “Do you… Think about me a lot, Maddox?”

“No, I don’t!” I snarled, snatching up the stuff I’d brought and shoving it in my bag. “Stop trying to make this into something it isn’t!”

“You don’t have to be gay, you know,” he said, furrowing his dark eyebrows as he stared at me. “You can like more than one thing.”

“Maybe you can like more than one thing,” I said. “ I like girls. So just… Accept that and stop being obsessed with me and trying to make me like you! Because I don’t!”

“Um… Are you sure about that? Because you’re acting kind of-”

“Yes, I’m sure!” I sounded manic now, I could hear it in my own voice. But that was his fault, too. Not taking no for an answer, and trying to make me question myself. I was the victim here. “And don’t fucking text me, either!”

I stormed out, ignoring the strange looks from the people I passed by. They didn’t know anything about me or what was happening in my brain. I didn’t give a shit what they thought of me.

I didn’t go home, but headed straight back to the campus gym to run and punch and lift out my anger. I’d already worked out today, but this was the only way to bleed out all the adrenaline.

I didn’t have a problem with gay people. Aspen, Arie, and Che seemed alright, and top of that, my mom’s sister was married to a woman. But I just wasn’t one. That wasn’t me. I’d never had thoughts like that about a guy in my life.

The nerve Ren had, to question whether I had some stupid fucking crush on him. Of course I didn’t. No way in hell. And anyway, I was totally different when I liked someone. When I’d been into girls in the past, I’d always gotten jealous when they talked to or hung out with other guys. I could be pretty possessive, even though I knew it was kind of a dick move. But I couldn’t help it. And I was definitely not like that with Ren.

When my muscles felt like jelly from overuse, I limped to the showers to rinse off. I felt like a zombie on the walk home, with a barely functioning brain. By the time my hand was on my bedroom door, my eyelids felt like weights. I collapsed onto my bed, and slept for the rest of the day.