Jauhnna Chapter 8

My offer to make everyone breakfast served two purposes. One was to make up for worrying them and as a small thanks for what they were doing to rid me of Janus and Galway, although I still had no idea how they hoped to do it. The second more significant reason was to postpone the talk with Diablo. I'd dreaded it all night after hearing him and Wolverine in the hall outside the sick bay. I hadn't been able to catch it all since their voices kept going from loud to soft, but I heard enough to know that Diablo didn't find me repulsive, but he wasn't seeking anything long-lasting, either.

Hearing Wolverine say he thought he and I might click was a surprise. Then, hearing him say Diablo was still in love with his wife even though she was gone gutted me. Especially when Diablo agreed a relationship would never be the same between us as it was with them. I had no idea why he let her go if he was still in love with her. Or why she'd leave a man like him unless he had hidden dark qualities or couldn't remain faithful.

What I did know was no matter how bewitched I was with him, I couldn't allow myself to be with him. If there was a real possibility of me finding happiness and a partner for the rest of my life, I would've risked it, even with my fear of sexual acts. Without that possibility, there was no way I'd do it, which meant I had to stay away from him until it was safe to leave. The walk this morning was to clear my head and help me begin to work on my next step. I needed to make a couple of phone calls. Time to get my new identity in the works.

Breakfast was over faster than I hoped, and with the guys helping, the mess was cleared away too quickly. A hand on my lower back startled me, but I knew who it was. It was crazy that I knew his touch and scent. I steeled myself for what was coming.

"Jauhnna, come with me. You and I need to talk. It's killing me, all this waiting. We have to talk now." His deep, gruff voice made me want to moan and ask him to growl in my ear. I didn't care what he said, just as long as he kept it like that. It made my body tighten all over and lower in my pelvis.

Sighing, I let him guide me down the hall and out the side door. We walked to his house without saying a word. The day was a gorgeous sunny October day. It would still reach the mid-eighties. While most of the country was well into fall temps, Florida was still supplying the sunshine. I should've thought about moving here long ago. I detested the cold. I'd give anything to stay out in the sunshine and forget this painful conversation.

When we got into the house, I thought he'd take us to the living room. I was wrong. Instead, he brought me to my favorite spot in the house. I'd been stunned when he showed me around after I moved in. At the back of the house, he had what some called a solarium, or in this state, the Florida room. It was nothing but windows on three sides, and even the roof was solid glass interspersed with wood beams. It was incredible. It had comfortable and welcoming furniture. I pictured what it would be like if it was filled with plants. It would be a wild retreat. I sat in one of the oversized chairs and curled my legs up partially underneath me. I was trying to brace myself for what he'd say and what I'd be forced to say in return.

"Stay here, and I'll go get us a drink. I won't be long," he said before he popped out.

Lord, why didn't he just get this over with? My stomach was churning. He was true to his word and was back in a matter of minutes. He handed me ice water but with an addition. When I mentioned I didn't like the taste of water and the only way I drank it was if I added flavored drops, the next day, he'd gotten a variety of different flavors and presented them to me. Anything I mentioned, no matter how minor or barely in passing, I found I soon had it. I'd gotten careful of voicing anything. He didn't need to give me anything more. Well, he himself would be nice, but that wasn't happening. A sip told me it was my favorite mixed berry one. He sat across from me on the loveseat. I pretended to be admiring the pattern of sunlight on the cushions.

"Jauhnna, are you gonna look at me or the pillow? Talk to me. I know last night you heard some things which I need to clarify." He paused.

Fortifying my spine, I glanced at him. He was staring intently at me. "I did overhear some things, but I don't think it warrants us having an in-depth discussion. I know I wasn't meant to hear you and Wolverine, and in no way do I want you to feel pressured to say or do something you don't want. We can leave it as a fleeting curiosity. Besides, I'll be leaving soon anyway. It would be foolish to complicate things."

He was slightly scowling when I was done. Oops, what did I say wrong? He should be relieved I wouldn't be attempting to make something out of nothing. He was sexually drawn to plenty of women and vice versa, as evidenced by the one hanging on him last night. He hadn't been pushing her away. For all I knew, after he escorted me to the house for the night, he might've returned to take her up on her blatant offer. I swallowed the big knot in my throat. Stop thinking about her and the others.

"What do you mean you'll soon be leaving? We haven't solidified the plan to get your brother and Galway out of your life and to eliminate any other risks to you. Who knows, once the threats are gone, you might very well want to remain here. I'd think it would be doubly true if you were in a relationship."

"I thought a lot on my walk and time at the stables this morning. I believe I need to put the steps in place to have a new identity created for me. There's no guarantee you and your friends will be able to remove the threats. If that's the case, I'll need to have a new one and move. I'm going to reach out to the group who helped me last time. I still have their information, and they'll help formulate it all. Depending on what's happening, they might be able to have me in a safe house in a matter of days. I can just as easily stay in one of those while my new identity is built. I don't know why I didn't tell you to leave things be and let me do that from the start. I hate the fact I wasted your valuable time these past few weeks. I wasn't thinking clearly."

His incredulous expression swiftly morphed into an upset one. He moved to the edge of his seat and leaned toward me. "What the fuck is this about, Jauhnna? Cut the bullshit. Tell the truth. If you're not interested in me or Wolverine, then say it. No one will hold it against you. Our desire for you doesn't mean we can't control ourselves. You have nothing to fear from us. We'd never hurt you. I thought by now you'd know this. You don't need to leave."

The undertone to his words suggested he was hurt. It was one of the last things I wanted. I rushed to reassure him that wasn't the case. "Diablo, I swear, I don't fear you hurting me. I do know it isn't something you or your men would do. Please, don't think that."

"Then you're not interested in either of us and are uncomfortable telling us? If so, and you don't fear our reaction, then why run?"

"I'm not running away!"

"The hell you're not. You've been vocal about most stuff while here. Just tell me. Why can't you say, ‘Diablo, I'm not sexually drawn to you.'"

"Because it would be a lie!" I blurted out, and then, as my brain registered what I'd done, I slapped my hands over my mouth like that would cover up my confession.

God, mortification washed over me. How could I explain that away? While I was scrambling internally to find a viable explanation, he was up on his feet, over to me, and then down in front of me in a crouch. His hand came up to grasp my hands. He tugged them down and then cupped my jaw so I wasn't capable of turning my head away from him. His dark eyes bore into me like a laser.

"What did you just say?" he asked gruffly.

"That came out wrong. You made me mix up my words. I meant…" My mind drew a blank, so my words petered off.

"Meant what? Hmm? Did you mean to say you are interested in Wolverine? Or has one of my other brothers caught your attention?" There was tension in his fingers. They didn't exactly hurt me, but I felt them.

"It doesn't matter if I'm attracted to anyone here or not. There's no chance of it being more than sex a few times then done."

"Really? Why's that? Do you think none of us are capable of more?"

"Capable? Certainly, if you desired it. I don't see why you'd want it."

His surprise was evident. He let go of my jaw and rose. Good. He accepted my answer. Maybe I'd get out of this without spilling my guts after all. A squeak came bursting out of me when he abruptly bent over and whisked me out of the chair and into his arms. He took a few steps back to the loveseat he'd been sitting on. He placed me on the other end before sitting back down.

"Explain what you mean by that?" he ordered.

"There's nothing to explain. Why would you want more? Why would any of you want more with any woman, let alone with me?"

His eyes flared with something I couldn't identify. He snatched up my hand. "What the hell do you mean by that? Start talking. We're not leaving here until I understand what's going through that head of yours. If we have to sit here all day and night, we will," he proclaimed.

By the determined set of his jaw, I knew he was telling the truth. The man could be stubborn. I'd found that out. Wanting to get it over with as fast as possible so I could go hide in my room, I launched my explanation.

"It's simple. Last night, I saw the women who came here, those club sluts and hangers-on. You know, the ones whose main goal is to sleep with as many bikers as they can. They're here to be wild. You guys have an unending supply of variety. They're young and gorgeous. Many are stunning, sexy, and have perfect bodies, and I bet they're willing to do anything you want sexually. Don't sit there and tell me any of you willingly want to give all of them up to settle for one woman. And before you say who said anything about exclusivity, no one but me. I'm someone who would never consider being just one of many."

When I finished, it felt like he didn't respond for a solid minute. I was squirming inside. When he did speak, it wasn't what I thought he'd say. "I'll address all those assertions you just made in a second. However, first, I want to ask you a question, and I need an honest answer. Why were you at the clubhouse last night?"

Shit, one of the things I hoped he wouldn't ask. Well, there was no getting around it. "I wanted to see those women, see if you guys were like the men in the books I'm reading and if they were like the women. I knew they would be there last night."

"How did you know they would be? And what goddamn books are you reading?"

"I overheard some of the guys talking about it. As for what books, I've been reading some about MCs. All of them have club bunnies, whores, sluts, whatever you call them, and then casual women like the hangers-on. I assumed your club had them, too. I'm not sure why I haven't seen the sluts around since you undoubtedly pay for their upkeep. You'd have to in order to have them available to you day and night. I was curious." I shrugged as if it wasn't a big deal.

A deep growl came rumbling out of him. He leaned into my personal space. I had nowhere to go to get away unless I stood up, and something told me he wouldn't allow it.

"I want to see some of those books you're reading, but they can wait. Right now, I need to clear up some things. Let's start with your remarks about those women. You referred to them as variety, young, gorgeous, stunning, sexy, and having perfect bodies. Oh, and they're willing to do anything sexually. The way you said all that made it sound as if you think you're lacking in some way compared to them."

I let out a humorless laugh. "Come on, Diablo, I'm not unrealistic about myself. I can't compete with them, even if one of you does find me slightly sexually attractive. And monogamy would be an absolute must for me. So you see, there's no future here for me. And before you say it doesn't have to be more than casual and brief, I'm sorry, but it would have to be more for me."

He was shaking his head. "That son of a bitch did a number on you, didn't he? He beat you down for so long that you actually believe you have barely anything a man would want. Well, I'll tell you this. All those things you said they are, you are in spades. You're young, beautiful, beyond sexy, have a body that makes a man dream and walk around hard, and a shit load more. You're smart, funny, sassy, and strong, to name a few more. As for willingness to do anything a man wants, that's based on trust and comfort. If there were things a man wanted that you were unsure of, it would be his job to either show you it's okay to try it, or you'd mutually take it off the table." He paused for a heartbeat or two before he continued.

"I've got to ask this since we're having this talk, and I believe it impacts the whole situation. You said you were forced to accept Radigan. That he kept trying to get you pregnant. I know you mean he raped you multiple times. I can't tell you how much it disgusts and infuriates me to know you endured it. What I want to ask is, was it ever consensual between you? Tell me you weren't always raped and that you experienced pleasure at times. If not with him, then at least since you left him."

I gulped. This was getting way deeper than I had ever imagined or wanted it to go. Would he know all my secrets and insecurities? I tried to think how to make him stop, but his expression still said there was no way out. This settled it. I'd get out of here as fast as I could. I'd have no choice after sharing it all with him.

"It was rape every single time from our wedding night when he took my virginity until the last time. No, I never got pleasure from it."

"What about with other men? You had to have dated, had boyfriends since you left him."

"No, I haven't."

His jaw dropped. "Baby, are you saying he's the only man you've ever been with, and it was always rape?" he asked gutturally.

I had to glance away as I answered him. "It was always rape, but he's not the only man I've had sex with," I whispered.

My hand was dropped, and he came to his feet. He stomped away from the loveseat. He went to stare outside with his back to me. Confessing it, I knew he'd read between the lines, and it made me sick and I felt so dirty. Knowing I was used by more than one man had to disgust him. Any degree of desire for me would be killed by this news. I was surprised he and Wolverine had any for me after knowing about Galway. There were men who couldn't handle it and blamed the woman rather than the one who raped her.

He had his fists clenched at his sides, and his loud breathing was evident in the silent room. The tension was too much. I rose to my feet. His head snapped around to look at me.

"You stay right there. Don't move."

"I believe enough has been said. You know why there's nothing for me here. I'd like to go make a few phone calls," I said with as much dignity as I was capable of. I was fighting not to cry.

He charged toward me. I flinched and stumbled back, hitting the back of my knees on the edge of the loveseat. I was unbalanced and fell on my ass on the seat. He immediately slowed and finished approaching cautiously. He sat down next to me.

"Darlin', I'm not gonna hurt you. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm pissed, but not at you. I want to kill that cocksucker and anyone else who hurt you. Who else touched you, Jauhnna? His friends? Family? Who?" He had made it to me and sat beside me.

"It doesn't matter, Diablo. The resulting damage is done. Leave it."

"I can't. What resulting damage?"

"That men will see me as unclean and blame me for allowing it to happen! That it's doubtful I can stand to have sex with any man. That I'm fated to spend the rest of my life alone!" I shouted. The tears spilled, despite how hard I tried to hold them in.

I was startled by him tugging me against his chest. His arms held me tightly as he rocked me and whispered words I couldn't focus on as he rubbed my back. I let myself cry. It felt so good to be held. I let myself pretend it would be okay.

I wasn't sure how long I'd been crying before I pulled myself together and pressed on him so he'd let me move away. He allowed a small amount of space between us, but he didn't let go. He stared down into my eyes.

"Any man who thinks you're unclean and to blame needs his fucking heart torn out. That's utter nonsense. As for you not being able to have sex with a man, that's not true. I know several women who've been through rape, and they've not only been claimed and are very happy, but they have great sexual relationships with their men. You're not fated to be alone. What you need is a man who knows your history, takes time to make you comfortable, and whom you trust. Now, I don't want to set you off again, but I've gotta know. Who else?"

Lowering my eyes, I told him. I was becoming numb to the pain. I just wanted this over with. "After several years of no success getting me pregnant, he forced me to see a doctor to see what was wrong with me. The doctor did a bunch of tests. He ended up telling us that I was barren. I don't produce eggs for some reason. Galway was beyond furious. He accused my father of knowing I wasn't a real woman. He insisted on them paying him for his loss. Since he was seen as my family's way into his criminal circle, they did.

"Not long after that, he got angry again when I didn't get pregnant. He refused to stop trying, despite knowing it was impossible. I hoped he'd leave me alone after he found out I was barren, but he didn't. Instead, he punished me for it. When he became agitated at something he thought I did wrong, he found a new way to punish me. He began giving me to some of his men. He knew I hated it, which made him happy."

His entire body shook. His fingers tightened on my back. "I want to know how many and their names. Every last one of them will share his fate," he hissed.

"You can't prove they raped me. It'll be my word against theirs. They won't go to prison for it any more than he will."

"Who said anything about prison? Baby, we're not planning to have them arrested. They're going to die. And before they do, we'll make sure they suffer. When they're gone, we have to make sure none of their criminal organizations remains a threat to you or anyone else. This includes not only Radigan but your brother. I need those names so they receive their well-deserved punishment."

I was stunned. I hadn't thought they'd take it to that extreme. "You can't do that!"

He scowled. "Why not? Don't tell me you think they have the right to live after what they've done to you."

"It's not that. I hate them, and that includes Janus, but you'll get caught. I don't want any of you or your friends to go to prison for ridding the world of scum like them. They're not worth your freedom."

His scowl eased into a slight smirk. "Babe, don't you worry about us or our friends. We have our ways, and I assure you, covering our tracks is a huge part of it. Even if someone suspected us of having a hand in it, they'll never be able to prove it. It goes without saying, you can't tell anyone this. Our lives and freedom are in your hands," he warned.

"I would never say anything to anyone. I promise."

"Good. I expect you to give those names to me by the end of today, but enough about that. There's one more thing I've got to know."

"What?" I asked warily.

"Do you find that I or anyone else in the club has piqued your interest in a romantic way? You said you're sexually drawn to me. What about more?"

We were back to that. My mouth went dry. I swallowed. The way he was studying me and the things he said made me want to hope there was a slight chance. "Yes, there's one," I whispered.

"Who?"

"Diablo, I—."

"Who?" he demanded harder.

"You," I mumbled.

I gasped right after I said it because he moved me gently forward, and his mouth landed on mine. His lips were firm and molded to mine. He pressed them together first, then began to move his lips, causing mine to follow his movements. From there, it jumped to his tongue easing into my open mouth. He caressed my tongue with his. A whimper escaped me as heat and tingling shot throughout my body.

His hand came up to angle my head slightly to the left. The pressure on my mouth increased. Suddenly, I was falling forward. He inclined back, bringing me with him. I was half lying on top of his body as we continued to kiss. I would've gladly continued forever, but too soon, in my opinion, he broke our kiss. I whimpered and tried to kiss him. He chuckled.

"Jauhnna, baby, there's nothing I'd love more than to kiss you all day, but my heart can only take so much. We keep this up, and I'll explode."

I wrinkled my forehead. Explode?

He saw it, and he showed me what he meant by sliding me down slightly and then pressing up into me. I gasped as I felt something hard pressing between my legs. He was rock hard from our kiss.

"You make me want you so much. And before you go back to all that stuff about those women at the clubhouse and not being able to be exclusive, I can be that. I just haven't desired it in a long time until now." His words reminded me of the other reason we shouldn't get involved. I eased away from him. He let me.

"If those were the only things to consider, then I'd be so tempted to say let's find out, but it's not."

We were both back to sitting up. He frowned. "What else is there?"

"I can't risk my heart on a man who's still in love with his wife. I'm sorry. No." I stood up. I needed air. He snagged my hand and pulled me toward him. I fought him. I wasn't capable of listening to him right now.

"Let go," I ordered.

He shook his head. "Not until you let me explain."

"What's to explain? You're still in love with your ex-wife, Amy. I heard Wolverine say that. What woman in her right mind goes into a relationship knowing the man she's with will always love someone else and she'll never be as good as her predecessor? A fool, that's who. I'm done being one of those. Whatever happened between you two, maybe it's not too late to get her back." I yanked my hand free and moved toward the door. His following words froze me in my tracks.

"She's dead. There's no getting her back."

My stomach dropped. God, there was no way to compete with a ghost and win. "I'm sorry, but that makes it an even worse idea. I can't win against a ghost. Listen, I have a headache. I think I'll go lie down." I began walking again. The sound of him moving broke my control. I made a mad dash to get away.

"Jauhnna, stop!" he yelled. I ignored him.

I was almost to the stairs when he caught me. He lifted me off the ground. I wiggled. As I did, he spoke into my ear. "You're gonna listen to me. Come on." I thought he'd take me back to the Florida room, but he didn't. Instead, I was carried up the stairs and then to his room. I shook my head as he stepped inside it.

"No, not in here."

"Yes. Nothing is happening in here that you don't want. I swear on the life of my daughter and grandsons."

I went limp in his arms. Last night and today had been such a roller coaster of emotions. I was done for. I needed to sleep. Maybe I'd wake up to find out it was a dream, and I hadn't gone to the clubhouse last night, caused a scene, and exposed my secret yearning.