Chapter 23

Should Berga have waited until after the race to have this conversation?

No, putting it off would only cause more problems down the line. The man currently standing across from him deserved the loyalty Berga had sworn when he’d taken his oath and joined the Satellite. Being a part of this world was the only thing that kept him from slipping into total insanity. Without them, he would have given into the abyss a long time ago and would no doubt be locked up somewhere very dark and very far from society.

He’d always known there was something wrong with him. Whether or not that something stemmed from the girl in the pink dress or not didn’t matter. What mattered was control. Berga had to keep himself together. No one else was going to do it for him.

No one else would be able to even if they wanted.

Except maybe…

No. He couldn’t start relying too heavily on Madden. Things were already out of hand. This weird connection between them had been unexpected. At the start of it all, it hadn’t even occurred to him there could be a possibility of growing attached. Yet here they were, with the Mad King insistent on staking a public claim despite the risks.

Berga wasn’t stupid, he knew that’s what this was.

Madden might not be possessive, but he had a tendency to lean toward jealousy, and he wanted to mark Berga to keep others away. But for how long? Was he about to potentially throw everything aside for a man who could grow bored with him at the drop of a shiny hoverbike helmet?

“Are you going to speak,” Baikal’s voice cut through Berga’s swirling thoughts, “or did you come here just to stare at me?”

They were at Void Manor, in the drawing room. Baikal was standing by the mini bar and had poured drinks from a glass decanter filled with harsh-smelling blue liquor. It was hard to tell how long he’d been holding one of those glasses out to Berga.

Who’d pretty much been ignoring him.

He took it and gulped the contents down, the burn from the alcohol helping to pull him the rest of the way out of his rumination.

Right. He was here already. May as well get it over with.

“I need to speak with you about something,” he began, only for the Dominus to snort and drop down onto the leather armrest of one of the chairs.

“That’s apparent.”

“You’ve heard.”

“I meant it was obvious because you’re standing here, Berga.” Baikal sighed. “Just spit it out. I have things to do.”

“I had an episode the other day,” he began. “I couldn’t control it.”

“Are you getting worse?”

He shook his head. “Actually, the opposite.”

Baikal lifted a brow. “Is that so? Maybe our ideas of better are different. You ended up spending the night with Madden. Did he help you out with more than just giving you a safe place to lay your head after the fact?”

“Yes. There’s a theory that he’s beneficial to my overall health,” Berga replied, opting to lean more toward the medical side of things. If he was able to explain in a clear-cut, professional way, perhaps he could convince Baikal this was fine. “He’s been surprisingly helpful toward my recovery.”

“I thought the doctors’ said recovery was unlikely?”

“They did. But not that it was impossible.”

Baikal hummed in understanding and swirled the contents of his glass.

Berga took a deep breath. “I’m seeing him. It’s…turned romantic.”

“So the rumors that you’re dating are true?” He didn’t seem surprised. “How serious is it? Are you only using him as a potential cure, or are you falling for him?”

Berga’s brow furrowed. “Flix asked me the same thing.”

“Let me guess, Flix told you to keep this from me.” Baikal snickered. “He’s one to talk. His relationship with the Shepard already threw a wrench into things. Now you? Have you all forgotten the point of the Satellite is to help me maintain balance and power, not disrupt it? I can’t keep up with you all. If not for Rabbit whispering things in my ear in all of your defense, I would have taken this to the mat at Friction and beaten some sense into both you and that wayward bestie of yours. Don’t think I’ve forgotten how you both kept his secret from me all this time.”

Berga hung his head. Flix’s secret had come out not too long ago, and he’d mostly escaped Baikal’s wrath due to circumstances, but he was right. “I apologize. ”

“You were trying to protect him,” Baikal nodded. “I understand. It’s because he’s important to you when so few are. That’s the problem, Berga. Can you tell me you won’t resort to the same types of lies to protect Madden if things progress between you? If he becomes someone you care about…Your loyalty knows no bounds. You’re even willing to keep things from me.”

“Flix’s secret didn’t affect you,” he argued. “I knew it never would.”

“I should have been the one to make that call from the very beginning,” Baikal disagreed sharply. “That’s what being your Dominus means. I have the final say in all things—Don’t give me that look. I know you don’t like to be controlled, but you came here today knowing this wasn’t going to be a pleasant conversation.”

Berga clenched his hands into fists at his sides but remained silent.

“I don’t care who you spend time with,” Baikal said. “But the second it interferes with Brumal business, you cut him off, understood? Right now, the elders are too busy picking apart the way I’m delegating positions within the corporate offices to bother listening to gossip, but once it reaches their ears, you better believe they’ll attempt to use this as a mark against me.”

“It shouldn’t matter who I’m fucking,” Berga stated, mildly annoyed even though he’d been prepared for that. “What dick I am or am not currently sitting on is no reflection of you as a leader.”

“Tell them that.”

“If it comes to it, I will.”

“They’ll only say you’re being argumentative, and I can’t control my people.” Baikal sighed. “You and Madden are an unlikely pair. Despite your weird fascination with his hair, that is. It’s the color, right? Reminds you of your favorite—and least favorite—something?”

Berga turned his hand palm side up absently. “It doesn’t feel anything like blood.”

“It wouldn’t.” Baikal clicked his tongue. “I’ve always let you do whatever you pleased, Butcher, but anything more than close friendship with one of the Retinue members can’t happen. Not right now, in any case. Maybe later, once I’ve appeased the elders enough to get them off my back, then you can make a life partner out of whoever—”

“Whoa,” Berga stopped him. “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

It wasn’t often that someone could make Baikal second guess himself, but the Dominus frowned. “Has there?”

“We’re having fun,” he stated. “Conducting an experiment, if you will. If it leads to something long-term, great, but nothing is truly ever permanent, and I’m not seeking out the impossible.”

“You don’t think Rabbit and I will last?”

Realizing his mistake, he winced. “No. Sorry. I misspoke.”

Baikal didn’t seem convinced. “Is Madden aware this is how you feel?”

“I’ve told him that I’m willing to see where things lead, but—”

“Berga, you really are obtuse, aren’t you?” He set his glass down on the end table. “Whatever. Perhaps it's for the best.”

“What is?”

“Just swear you’ll end things the moment it starts to affect your job or my position. Madden understands the stakes just as much as we do. He should let you go when the time comes. But if he doesn’t, I’ll involve Kelevra.”

It was on the tip of his tongue to inform Baikal that Kel didn’t have a problem with them dating, but he opted to keep it to himself in the end. He’d done his duty here; he’d informed his Dominus about his relationship and reassured him that it wouldn’t prevent Berga from continuing with his responsibilities to the Brumal. Anything else would just be pushing his luck, and while he fully intended to follow Baikal’s orders and cut things off with Madden when he was told to…

The thought of that happening right now, or any time soon for that matter, left a poor taste in his mouth he didn’t entirely understand.

Perhaps he’d already grown far too attached. Was it because he felt subconsciously comfortable enough around the other man to be pulled from a delusion? Or maybe he was just developing an addiction to Madden’s cock…?

Berga didn’t have an addictive personality. This would be a first for him.

After sex, however, he became possessive. He knew that. His mind was always filled with thoughts of tying the Mad King to him and keeping him forever.

Maybe life partner wasn’t too far out of the realm of possibility.

“You seem lost, Butcher,” Baikal said. “Should I be worried after all?”

“No,” he reassured. “I’m just confused.”

“That doesn’t elicit confidence.”

Had he messed up despite his efforts not to?

Good Light, why was conversing with people so difficult? Why couldn’t everyone always just say exactly what was on their mind without fear of how it might be perceived?

“Run them by me,” he surprised Berga by suggesting. “I might be able to help clear a few things up for you.”

“I’m not sure…” Flix definitely wouldn’t approve of Berga talking in depth about his situation with Madden, however…Baikal was in a relationship with Rabbit Trace, and the two had been together for a few months now without any problems. “I don’t want you to lose faith in me.”

“That’s up for me to decide,” Baikal said. “For what it’s worth, I trust you, Berga. I always have. If Madden is really helping you with your problems, then I don’t see why I should step in where I don’t belong. As I mentioned, even if I ultimately have to order you to separate, there’s always later once things are stabilized within the Brumal.”

“I don’t think…” He pursed his lips. “I’ve never felt this way before. I’m unsure what exactly it is I’m experiencing or how much of whatever this feeling is could merely be a byproduct of our physical connection.”

“You mean, you’re not sure if you want him or his body?” Baikal shrugged. “Why can’t you want both?”

“His body was what I was after from the beginning,” he confessed since it was just the two of them in here, and he knew he could trust Baikal not to spread that around to the others. Madden especially could never find out that he…No. He wouldn’t even think it. Better not to. Just to be safe. “But now I find I enjoy his company just as much when we aren’t having sex. He…might understand me, in some ways.”

“Ways the rest of us have failed at?” Baikal didn’t seem offended by that possibility. “It’s not a bad thing if someone can make you feel seen, Butcher.”

“I’d prefer to be left to the shadows, thanks. It’s safer there.”

“Safer for who?”

“Everyone.”

Baikal tipped his head. “But you said you’re improving. If you can break free from your past, perhaps you’ll no longer need to fear yourself constantly. You don't have to fear the rest of us seeing your ugly truths, either. We don’t care about stuff like that. We never have. We’re all damaged in one way or another.”

“That’s easy to say.” Much harder to believe, though. “You’ve seen the way my parents look at me when they think no one is paying attention.”

“Your parents are assholes. Why do you think even my father gave them the lowest rank possible? They should have gained power with a son in the Satellite, but they’ve been stuck and forced to use their name to get ahead in society.”

Baikal’s father had always treated him well, and father and son had been close before Sullivan Void’s recent death, something that Berga had always somewhat coveted. To be fair, he didn’t like his parents any more than they did him, but there was a part of Berga that couldn’t let go of the need for their approval. For their acceptance.

Maybe he just wanted to erase that expression on his father’s face from his mind. Rewrite it over and create a new memory, a better one where he wasn’t hated and blamed.

“They never believed me,” he found himself whispering. “They never will.”

No matter how many times Berga had recounted the events of that night, it was obvious his parents thought he was at fault for what happened to her. He’d always partially thought they were right to, considering he’d had the chance to catch her and hadn’t done so.

Madden wasn’t the first person to point out the impossibility of that. How, at six years old, Berga wouldn’t have been anywhere near strong enough to stop his older sister's fall. The problem that still remained was not knowing if it would have made a difference even if they’d both tumbled down those stairs.

He could have altered her trajectory, prevented her from landing directly on her head the way she had, the way that had snapped her neck.

“Breathe, Berga.” Baikal slowly rose from the chair. “Keep yourself together.”

There was a flash of pink out of his periphery, and Berga twisted on his heels, frowning when there was nothing. If he was starting to hallucinate parts of her dress, it was only a matter of time before the apparition came to him fully formed.

And then the blood…

“Shit. I thought you said things were getting better? I haven’t seen you slip since we were eleven.” Baikal swore and grabbed Berga’s wrist, tapping away at his multi-slate. “We shouldn’t have talked about this. How did we even get on this subject?”

“Butcher—” whoever the Dominus had just called picked up after only a couple of rings.

“Shut up,” Baikal snapped as soon as Madden’s voice trickled through the speaker on Berga’s device. “Where are you?”

“Void?” Madden’s tone sharpened. “Where is Berga?”

“Here. He’s about to slip into psychosis. I need you to talk him out of it. Fast. The last time he did this at the manor, he broke several heirlooms and killed one of my guards. Not to mention the incident with the acid.”

“I’m fine,” Berga interrupted, but the speck of crimson on the back of his hand had caught his attention, so he barely focused on the multi-slate at all. There was a giggle in the distance and his head whipped in that direction.

“He’s not fine,” Baikal corrected. “He claimed you’re able to pull him out,” he said to Madden. “Hurry up and prove him right before I’m forced to restrain him for both our safety.”

“Are you doing that?” Berga asked, taking in the darkness that had started to seep closer from all corners of the room.

“Doing what?”

“The shadows.”

“No.”

“Then—”

“Hey,” Madden’s voice eased cajolingly over the line as he made the clear switch from speaking to Baikal to Berga, “Baby, what’s up? What are you doing right now?”

“I’m…” Another giggle and he shook his head, trying to focus. “I’m telling Baikal we’re seeing each other.”

“Oh? And how is that going?”

“What if we have to break up?”

“That’s not going to happen.” His voice hardened briefly when he added, “Listen closely, Void. It’s not.”

“I need the Brumal,” Berga said, shifting closer to Baikal when the abyss crept in closer, as though hoping the hand still holding his wrist with the multi-slate would help ground him. It never had before.

Only the Mad King had ever been able to reach him and pull him from a hallucination.

“And the Brumal needs you,” Madden reassured. “That isn’t going to change just because I’m your boyfriend. Pay attention to me, baby. Who else is in the room with you?”

He frowned. “It’s just Baikal, me, and—” He caught himself. “It’s just Baikal and me.”

“That’s good,” he praised. “Should I come pick you up?”

“Why?”

“For our date.”

“Our date is tomorrow.”

“Let’s have it early.”

Berga glanced at Baikal, but it was impossible to tell what the Dominus was thinking. “How far away are you?”

“I’m already in the car,” Madden replied. “Only a few streets left to go and I’ll arrive at Void Manor. Is your super awesome boss going to let me on the premises, or should I be worried about being shot at when I pull into the driveway?”

Baikal rolled his eyes but asked, “How are you feeling, Berga?”

“Fine.” Excited, actually. The second the Mad King mentioned seeing each other, his heart had picked up the pace in his chest. Had he…missed hi m? It’d only been a couple of days…How odd.

“And the girl in the pink dress?”

“She’s…” He frowned and glanced around. “Gone.”

“They abyss?”

“Dissipating.”

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking those questions, Void?” Madden drawled.

“You’ll be allowed entrance, Odell,” Baikal said. “I think it’s fine to hang up now since you’re close. Come inside as soon as you’re here, just in case.”

“Will do,” Madden stated, then to Berga, “Wait for me, baby.”

Baikal clicked the end call button and let go of Berga’s wrist.

“What?” he asked, when the Dominus stared at him a little too intensely.

“If I find out you faked this in order to put on a demonstration—”

He bristled. “I would never use my sister like that. Not even her ghost.”

“Do you really think that’s what you see? Her ghost?”

“Of course not.” Berga was a man of science, after all. He knew it wasn’t really any part of her. She was gone. “It’s my mind struggling to make sense of what I went through that night. It’s trauma-induced hallucinations, that’s all. It’s only you and I in this room right now, Baikal. She isn’t here. She never really was. ”

He seemed impressed but also like he wished he wasn’t. “That’s all it took? A few sentences from him, and suddenly you’re back in your right mind?”

“I’m still working through the how,” he agreed, “but yes. That’s pretty much all it takes. If it’s coming from Madden, my subconscious instinctually trusts him.”

“That sounds…dangerous.”

“It has the potential to be,” he admitted. “But I’m aware of that and monitoring the situation. I have it all under control.”

“Keep saying that, Berga. Maybe eventually we’ll both actually believe it.” The sound of the front door opening and slamming shut cut off anything else Baikal might have wanted to say. He motioned toward the entranceway to the drawing room. “You better go meet him. He’s only been here once or twice before, and one of those times was when we were children. Do you remember? You watched him from the top of the stairs like a creep the entire party.”

Berga had been about to leave, but that had him pausing. “I don’t know what you’re implying.”

“That we both always knew it was just a matter of time,” Baikal drawled, the sound of footsteps getting closer. “Go. Figure out your shit before I’m forced to step in and play the Dominus card.”

Since there was no way to continue this particular talk with Madden so close, Berga turned on his heel and headed out to find the Mad King .

And, ideally, do as Baikal commanded.