Chapter 12

“I’m going to melt his entrails!” Berga slapped his hands on the back of the chair in front of the professor’s desk in his private office.

“Ah, yes, very scary,” Bay Delmar drawled. The two of them had been friends long before he’d started this job at Vail University, and though they typically kept their distance on campus to avoid drawing attention, there were occasions when one or both of them needed to meet up.

Like right now.

Berga had stormed into the office ten minutes ago absolutely fuming. And he still was.

Plus, his ass hurt.

“Actually, no,” he corrected. “I’m going to poison him with x-wes-2. It’ll slowly solidify his insides until he can barely move and then—”

“You’ll fuck him while he can’t fight back?” Bay seemed to realize what he’d said a moment too late, pausing with the stylus in his hand hovering over the tablet he’d been grading papers on.

“Wow.” Berga grunted and then rounded the chair, dropping into it with a pout.

Bay was a native Vital as well, with blue hair the color of cotton candy. He’d been born without the horns—though most people in the last hundred years had. He was older than Berga by a couple of years, but they’d grown up on the same street for a while when they’d been kids and had developed a strong bond that had lasted into adulthood.

They both had their issues, and they’d supported one another through some of the worst events of their lives. Friendship like that was hard to come by.

Which was why he was so affronted by the flippant way he was being treated at the moment.

“I apologize.” Bay set the tool down and folded his hands on the top of his desk, sending Berga a pointed look. “But have you been listening to yourself?”

“Why would I need to?” he asked. “I lived it!”

“Humor me. Run through the events of this morning again.”

He blew out a breath and tapped his fingers on the armrest, but Bay was one of the few people he relied on to help him when he struggled to comprehend something, so he found himself recounting things a second time.

“I woke up naked in bed—alone—took forever gathering enough energy to stand, and then went looking only to find my house empty. After I called Madden and was ignored a few times, I took a shower and came here.” Pretty standard, really. Nothing all that out of the norm for him, so he couldn’t see why Bay wanted him to repeat himself.

“But also,” he dropped his elbows to his knees, “how dare that bastard ignore me? Right? He’s the one who chased after me in the first place! I didn’t invite him over, that prick insisted, and when I offered sex, he refused, only to pull a stunt like that!”

“You woke up, and your first instinct was to search for Madden,” Berga said slowly, as though speaking to a child.

“Well, yes, of course. He was there when I fell asleep.” Passed out, was more like, but he didn’t bother saying that part again. “I wanted to punch him.”

“And you fell asleep shortly after he forced himself on you?” Bay cleared his throat. “Multiple times?”

“Whose friend are you exactly,” Berga asked. “Shouldn’t you be upset for me?”

“No, because you’re not really upset yourself. ”

He paused and tilted his head, considering. “Is that true?”

“Think about it,” Bay adjusted his glasses, “you woke up covered in dried spunk, dirty, and the first thing you did was go looking for Madden. Cleaning off was an afterthought. That’s incredibly out of character for you.”

“I…” He frowned. It hadn’t even occurred to him there was a problem with the series of events, but now that it was mentioned, yes. It was strange for him to put off showering. He’d even been scratching at the mess on his chest as he’d roamed the halls calling out Madden’s name.

“It’s a good thing,” Bay reassured him. “This could be progress.”

“Really?” He’d pretty much given up on making any. It’d been years since the accident and nothing had changed. Nothing had been able to reset him to the person he’d been before it’d happened. It was crazy to think that something like this, being tied up and taken advantage of by another Devil, could be the key to unlocking his trauma, though.

Wouldn’t it?

“I don’t think it was just the sex,” Bay said then, obviously knowing Berga well enough to know where his mind was taking him. “It’s probably more to do with the sequence of things, one step leading to the other to slowly help break down your walls. Come used to make you uncomfortable, but it became an afterthought this morning. ”

“Still…Is it that big of a deal?” It didn’t really feel like progress to him, but then, would Berga even recognize if it did? His aversion to bodily fluids wasn’t as complex or deep as people who truly had mysophobia, which in some ways made it more difficult for him to get a solid grasp on it.

Madden had come inside of him their first time together at the Docks and nothing bad had happened afterward. Was that it? Had Berga’s subconscious already started to reevaluate the “danger” levels of spunk?

“What kind of loser is afraid of come?” He rubbed at his forehead in a rare show of open insecurity. But this was Bay, a person Berga could one hundred percent be himself in front of, so there was no need to hide what he was feeling. “I’m a doctor, and I’m disgusted by the idea of blood on me.”

“You’re a mad scientist,” Bay corrected, quirking a brow when that had Berga staring at him. “What?”

“He’s called me that a couple of times.”

“Madden?” He seemed surprised. “I never would have guessed him to be the sort to give out nicknames. I’ve seen him with people at the Docks a time or two, but he’s never shown much interest in the same person more than once.”

“What does that mean?” Berga straightened somewhat in his seat.

“He’s in charge of the place,” Bay reminded. “Of course he’s going to get attention from everyone. Not to mention, he’s a Royal. Men and women are constantly hanging off his arms and throwing themselves at him. Didn’t you know?”

He shook his head. Berga had never allowed himself to pay attention to what went on in Madden’s life before. He’d only been at the Docks that night because he’d had the excuse of Flix’s absence. Which, speaking of—

“You haven’t heard from Flix yet?” he asked.

“No. Are you still concerned?”

“It’s not like him to go this long without contacting me.” Flix and Bay were two of the few people on planet who knew exactly what was wrong with Berga. Everyone else just figured he was a quirky, slightly insane, individual. Some had even thrown the word psychopath around, and he’d let them because it was better than trying to explain the truth.

That there was no one set medical diagnosis he could be boxed into.

That maybe if there had been, he would have made progress long before now.

“You said you experienced psychosis yesterday,” Bay carefully began. “That’s got to be the shortest episode you’ve ever had. Were there any other new factors aside from Madden Odell being present for it?”

Berga shook his head again.

“Might I suggest an experiment?”

“Therapy doesn’t work for me,” Berga said, only for Bay to snort .

“No, I mean an actual experiment this time. Unless you’re willing to let this go and walk away?”

“Walk away from what exactly?”

“In the end, that’s up for you to decide, but from an outside perspective, it seems like whatever this thing with Madden is, it’s beneficial to your psyche.”

“Do you think…” Berga hesitated because being open and honest was one thing, but what he was about to do was totally enter pathetic territory. “Do you think I deserve it?”

Bay’s brow furrowed. “Deserve what?” He put the pieces together himself and heaved a sigh. “Berga, it wasn’t your fault. There’s nothing you need forgiveness for because you didn’t do anything wrong.”

His parents didn’t agree.

He dropped back into the seat and covered his face to block out the harsh overhead lighting. Through the window at the professor’s back, the sun was beginning to be overtaken by thick gray clouds, a sure sign a storm was rolling in.

“I have to go,” Berga said. “I’ve got a date with Nate at Velvet Brew.”

“Don’t let Kazimir hear you call it that,” Bay warned. “Since when are the two of you close enough to meet up alone anyway?”

“Since my bestie decided to go off on a vacation without me,” he stated. “You’re always busy here or with your secret-not-so-secret-boyfriend. ”

Bay was dating a student and the two had agreed to keep it hush hush until the guy graduated. Not that anyone would truly care, but whatever. Not Berga’s business. Nate Narek was a mutual friend that also happened to be a racer at the Docks.

“He called me,” Berga added. “I guess he wants to do something special for Kaz to celebrate the fact they’re official but can’t think of anything on his own.”

“I feel like that should be fairly simple,” Bay drawled, and Berga chuckled in agreement.

“Right? Just gift him ass. Kazimir is so easy.” Unlike Madden. The two of them held similar positions in their respective groups, and yet Kazimir was hotheaded and rash, whereas Madden was collected, even if he could be sporadic at times. “Why’d I have to get tangled up with a Retinue member?”

“There’s a big race tomorrow evening,” Bay told him. “Nate is going to be there. Why don’t you ask to meet there instead?”

Berga dropped his hand and glared.

“It’s just a suggestion.”

“It’s a stupid one.”

“Is it?” the professor clicked his tongue. “As your doctor—”

“You are not my doctor,” he laughed.

“I’m the closest thing you have since, in your own words, therapy doesn’t work for you, remember?” Bay picked up his stylus and returned it to grading papers. “You love experiments. This is the perfect chance to conduct one. Madden will certainly be at this race. See him and test out how you feel.”

“How I feel ?” Berga huffed. “I’m not—”

“Just because you haven’t been capable of feeling a full range of emotions since you were little does not mean feelings are associated with children, Berga. Coming from someone who struggled for such a long time to regain his, trust me. If you’re having an emotional reaction toward Madden, that isn’t a bad thing.”

Bay’s trauma had cut off his emotions, making him unfeeling for the most part. It was ironic that Berga had hoped for his friend to rediscover them, yet he was complaining about doing the same.

“Just because aggressive cock worked for you,” he drawled, mostly jokingly, “doesn’t mean it will do the same for me.” Berga was too broken. Too fucked up. Even if Madden managed to stitch parts of him back together again, so what? What about the rest of him?

What about the girl in the pink dress?

“You said he held you down and you liked it,” Bay reminded.

“I said he held me down and I wanted to turn his insides to jelly,” he corrected.

“I thought it was stone?”

“Whatever.” Berga stood with a flourish and adjusted his black dress shirt, then fixed the pin of the university crest that was attached to his belt. The Vail uniform was strongly enforced, which was something he’d always appreciated. Order in pleasant society was nice. Chaos was best reserved for his lab.

Royal Madden Odell? That bitch was pure, undiluted chaos.

“Fucking him was insightful,” he found himself admitting, unable to meet his friend’s knowing gaze. “But that doesn’t have to mean anything more or less than what it does.”

“Cryptic.” Bay crossed his arms. “What if Nate came all over you?”

Berga grimaced.

“So it’s directly related to Madden after all. Perhaps you can be normal with him?”

“Normal?” What an odd word. “What is normal, exactly? This is my normal.”

“You hate this, Berga.”

“I hate not being in control,” he stated. “But I don’t see her because I’ve got come on my body. It doesn’t even happen when I get blood on me anymore, you know that.”

“I also know you make a mistake and get blood on you maybe once every two years.” Bay sighed. “What set it off this time?”

“An accident at the Academy. A female cadet fell.”

Bay’s eyes widened. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“And yet…you were only locked into the delusion for an hour?”

“If even. ”

“What about now? Are you feeling manic at all?”

Berga held out his arms. “Do I look like it, Be’tessi?” he used the proper term for a close older male and set his hands on his hips. “Fine. You’re right. My reactions around Madden are strange. It’s worth examining.”

“Good.”

“But shouldn’t you, as my friend, be trying to convince me not to further involve myself with a Retinue member?”

“The Retinue and the Satellite are under orders to get along anyway. What does it matter?”

“It matters.” Probably. Truthfully, as far as he knew, nothing like this had ever happened before. The closest anyone had come to getting physically involved had been Kazimir and Zane, and the two of them had merely been fucking on the sidelines. Even that had ended as soon as Kaz started dating Nate.

“I don’t bother myself with those affairs,” Bay waved him off. It was true, the closest he came to any involvement with either group were his friendships with Berga and Flix.

Berga’s multi-slate chimed and he gave up.

“Is that Nate? Are you going to meet with him now or take my suggestion?”

“If I don’t caffeinate myself, I’m going to slip someone something to see what color they throw up, so I’ll meet him now. But…” Damn it. “I’ll ask him about tomorrow as well.”

“I’m glad.” Bay smiled at him .

“Whatever.”