34. Monroe

THIRTY-FOUR

monroe

After the carnival, I left Zepp's to run home and grab some clothes. The trailer park was dark, aside from the red and white lights flashing over the trailers. For a second, I hoped the cops were coming to arrest Jerry for killing that guy, but the farther into the park I drove, I realized the lights coming from in front of my trailer weren't from a police car, but from an ambulance.

I parked in front of the neighbor's driveway, gripping the steering wheel on a hard breath before I cut the engine and hopped out. She had overdosed again, and I wasn't sure what was more concerning: that this was so routine or that I had become numb to the idea of her dying. I rounded the back of the ambulance while the paramedics carted a stretcher through the trailer door, then down the steps.

"She OD'd?" I asked.

One of the medics glanced over at me. "This your mom?"

I nodded, and I didn't miss the flash of pity in his eyes. Another poor trash kid with a junkie mom. They probably saw ten a day. "We're taking her to hospital. You're welcome to ride in the back of the ambulance."

My gaze strayed to my mother in the middle of the stretcher, eyes rolled back in her head, foam on her purple lips. "No, I'm good." The confused look the medic gave me sent a twinge of guilt through me. "I'll just follow you there."

I trailed behind the ambulance to Dayton hospital, gave my name to the triage nurse, and took a seat in the waiting room with the rest of the gangbangers and addicts. This was her third overdose this year, so I knew the drill. Within the hour, the doctor would come and tell me whether he'd managed to save her this time or not.

An hour passed, then two. My leg bounced while a tightness wound through my chest. I told myself that I didn't care. That the feeling in my chest was because I needed her not to die so I wasn't homeless. I needed a distraction. I took my phone from my pocket to text Zepp. My battery was on one percent. Of course.

Me: I can't come over tonight.

As soon as I sent it, the screen went black.

"Miss James?"

I looked up at the middle-aged man lingering in the emergency room doorway, his gaze scanning over the people waiting.

I pushed to my feet, and he offered me a polite smile before guiding me to a corner of the room.

"Your mother had a cardiac arrest. She's stable for now. You can go and see her if you wish."

I gave him a nod, and he walked me through the automatic doors, asking one of the nurses to take me to the ICU. The lady didn't say a word, just showed me through several sets of doors until I came to the room with my mom's last name written in Expo marker over the board.

The door clicked shut behind me, the nurse glancing through the glass wall before she walked off.

I stared at the floor, listening to the beep and hum of machines before I looked over at the hospital bed. An oxygen mask covered most of her face, and a myriad of tubes connected to the IV in her arm.

She looked bad, pale and lifeless. There was a time when my mom wasn't awful, when her smiles made me feel safe and warm. When she would braid my hair and buy me candy on the way home from her job at the Bunny Lounge. She had never been the best person, but there was a time when she wasn't the worst. A small bit of pain sprung to life, but it quickly morphed into anger, hot and wild. She chose this—over me. She'd rather kill herself shooting that shit into her veins than be my mother. It was something I knew all too well, and I thought I had come to terms with a long time ago. People always left. It was a fact of life. But it didn't have to be.

Zepp wouldn't leave me. I pulled my phone out to see if he'd texted back, but the battery was dead. Great. At least he knew I wasn't coming so he wouldn't worry.

I could have gone home, but for whatever messed up reason, I thought I owed it to her to at least be here if she died. Nurses came in and out throughout the night, and at some point, I fell asleep.

The next morning the doctor said he was moving her out of ICU, and I left. I wasn't hanging around if she wasn't dying.

My mind wandered while I drove down the back road that led into Dayton. I wanted out of this shithole town so bad. Away from her. Away from the reminders. But I didn't want away from Zepp.

A few miles down the road, the engine coughed. Then rattled. "No, no, no. Don't you dare!" Steam belched from the hood, streaming over the windshield before it cut out. "Piece of shit!" I slammed my hand over the steering wheel, then fought with the locked-up steering to force the car onto the shoulder.

I tried to give it a minute to cool down, then attempted to crank it. But nothing happened. Not even the tick of the engine trying to turn over. My car was dead. My phone was out of battery. I was tired. And I was miles from Dayton. I sat behind the wheel and sulked for a few minutes before I climbed out and did the only thing I could—started walking.

I must have walked close to a mile before I heard the hum of an engine in the distance. My thumb wanted to hitch up, a lift would be welcomed, but Zepp's voice was in the back of my mind. Getting picked up by a murderer would be just my luck today.

The engine downshifted, and I glanced over my shoulder, relieved when I saw Chase's blue Nissan. His window lowered as the vehicle chugged to a stop beside me. "Car broke down again?"

"Yeah."

He reached across his console to unlock the passenger door. The overbearing smell of his pi?a colada air freshener nearly made me sick as I sank into the upholstered seat.

The Nissan started down the highway, and I leaned back against the headrest, sighing.

"You okay, Moe?"

"Yeah. Mom OD'd again."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." I watched the dried grass and busy billboards pass by the window. "You know how she is."

"You'll be out of here soon, though, right? Just like you always wanted." He sounded so peppy, and I couldn't help but snort.

"Happy to get rid of me, huh?" I turned to look at him.

His arms seemed tense, his gaze fixed on the road. "Well, actually…" He cleared his throat. "I got scouted. Looks like we'll be going to college together." He took a quick glance at me, no doubt seeing the confusion on my face. "Dixon wants me for football."

"Oh. Congrats!" I probably wasn't going to Dixon now, but he seemed so excited, and I didn't want to shit on his parade.

He slowed as he approached the road for the trailer park. "Congrats? I thought you'd be excited," he said.

"I uh." I swallowed when he turned onto the dirt road. "I'm not sure I'm gonna go to Dixon now."

"Well, yeah. They haven't made you an offer yet, but you know they will."

"No, I mean, I applied to Alabama State." I fidgeted with the ratty seatbelt. "And if they make me an offer, I think I'll take it."

"What?" We rolled to a stop outside my trailer, the early morning sun just creeping over the top of it. "But you've always wanted to go to Dixon."

Chase knew me, maybe better than anyone. He knew how badly I wanted out of here. How badly I wanted to go to Dixon—until Zepp.

"Yeah, well… Things change." I threw open the door and smiled back at him. "Thanks for the lift."

I was almost to the trailer when I heard his car door slam. "Monroe." That stopped me, for one, because Chase never called me anything other than Moe, and for two, he sounded pissed. "You're doing this for him, aren't you?"

"Chase, I don't want to talk about this right now." I knew how it looked. Like I was a stupid girl making rash decisions. I knew, because any other time, I would be the person judging that girl, but Zepp was different. But I couldn't explain that to Chase.

"Thanks again for the lift," I said, unlocking the door and stepping inside.

The trailer was a mess as always, but right now, it felt like a haven of sorts. I got some water, then collapsed onto the couch, ready to shut my eyes when someone banged over the door. My temper spiked. Why couldn't Chase leave it alone?

"I told you, I don't want to talk about it," I snapped, answering the door.

Instead of Chase, it was Zepp standing on my front step, a world of chaos swirling in his eyes. He shouldered his way inside, his broad frame filling the doorway. "What. The fuck. Was that?" He pointed toward the yard. "Did you stay with him last night? I tried to call you and text you, and what the hell, Monroe!"

That was where his mind went? That I'd stayed with Chase. "What? No." I groaned. I didn't have the patience for his jealousy. "Zepp, I really can't do this now."

He grabbed my elbow when I turned around. "Oh, you're gonna have to do it right now, or we are fucking done."

A cold thread of panic pulled at me, followed by a spike of anger. That easy? He would break up with me that easy? "You think I stayed with Chase?"

His gaze dragged over me, a ripple of disgust snarling his lip when he tugged at the sleeve of my shirt. "You're in the same clothes you left my house in, Roe. What am I supposed to think?"

"That I wouldn't cheat on you!" Emotionally drained, I had lost the ability to reason. I could have just told him the truth outright, but the fact that he thought I would be unfaithful had me so pissed. I had told him two days ago that I loved him, and here he thought I would jump straight from that to Chase's bed. Suddenly everything I thought I knew about him, about us, seemed in jeopardy.

"You know what." I stormed to the door and threw it open, pointing to the porch. "Get out!"

His nostrils flared. Jaw ticced. He stared right through me, cold and hard, then gave a curt nod before shoving through the doorway. Minutes later, the distant rumble of his bike in Wolf's drive broke through the silence in the trailer, the engine screaming when he, no doubt, shot off down the road.

Pain dug into my chest, and a lump settled in my throat. I went to my room and plugged my phone in before falling onto my bed. That tugging sense of need consumed me, and I hated that I missed him because he was an asshole. I fell asleep, telling myself that the tears in my eyes had nothing to do with my dickhead boyfriend and everything to do with my mom's not caring if she died. Again.

I slept for a few hours before Jade's string of text messages asking why I hadn't been at school woke me up. She came by and grabbed me after school, taking me to Waffle Hut to get some food, and when I told her about the fight with Zepp, she gasped. "He said that?"

I picked up my soda just as the waitress walked by in a cloud of cheap perfume. "Yep."

"So, he thinks you fucked Chase?" She shook her head when I nodded. "What a dick."

With a bit of sleep, I'd realized I probably could have saved myself a lot of hassle and just told Zepp the truth, but it was the principle of it. He didn't ask where I'd been, only if I stayed with Chase. It should have been the last thought that crossed his mind. Not the first. And it hurt. Far more than I ever thought it would. I glanced at my phone, something that had become a habit in the last twenty-four hours. Still no texts or calls. His words rang through my mind on repeat: you're gonna have to do it right now, or we are fucking done . So were we done? Was this it? That reality hadn't really settled in—like my mind chose to hope and my heart refused to accept it.

I fiddled with my straw. "I told him I love him." Silence. I lifted my gaze to Jade.

"Wow. That's…" Her eyes went wide, and she took a hefty swig of her drink.

"Stupid?" I felt stupid right now.

"No, but for you, that's like, huge."

The waitress placed plates of wimpy hamburgers in front of us. The thought of food had my stomach turning.

"Did he say it back?" Jade asked, lifting the greasy bun to pick off her pickles.

"Actually, he said it first."

Her brows tugged together on a frown. "And you didn't think to just tell him your mom OD'd?"

"That's not the point, Jade!"

Grease dripped to the table when she took a bite of her burger. "Yeah, you're right. You're totally right. He's an asshole."

We changed the subject and finished our meal. Then Jade drove me to get my car. I always half-expected it to be gone every time I left it on the side of the road. But no, there it sat, in all its shitiness, no longer billowing steam. Where was Zepp when I needed him? By the time I got home, my mom was back from the hospital. She laid sprawled on the couch, and for the first time in a long time, I actually pitied her. She looked so thin, so battered by the world, worse than normal. Her skin was waxy, and she was shaking from head to foot. Withdrawals. Where the hell was Jerry? He had just let her overdose, and now he was letting her go cold turkey.

"Baby, I need… I need…"

"Yeah, I know, Mom." I took my phone out and dialed a number. This wasn't the first time I'd had to buy drugs for her so she wouldn't die, and it probably wouldn't be the last.