16. Derek

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Derek

" F or the love of god! Stop fucking the nurses!" I yell into my phone before nearly chucking it across the shop. The only thing stopping me is the fear I may hit Janie with it since she's in my line of fire, sitting at Ash's table. Carter, my brother, laughs on the other end of the phone, and the noise is enough to make me want to commit a murder.

"D, come on now, I didn't fuck this one, it was a proposition! I simply explained that I knew an amazing remedy if she was having a rough day." I pinch the bridge of my nose as I storm into the break room.

"Listen, you dumb ass fuck," I growl into the phone. "I'm running out of home nurses to come and stay there. I had to plead with the agency to get that one over the weekend! Goddamn it!"

"Derek, I'm sorry, I swear I'll only fuck the next one if she asks me first." I'm going to kill him. I'm going to break my rule, fly back to Virginia, and break my little brother's stupid fucking neck. I hang up my phone and curl my fist before driving it into the punching bag we have set up in here. I hit it twice before noticing a red smear where my knuckles broke open from a few days ago.

My mind flashes to Indy. I haven't seen her since the day she was assaulted, and I beat the ever-loving fuck out of that dickweed. I loved every second of it, too. It's been a while since I've been in a fistfight. I used to box, but stopped because my hands were getting too messed up. But god, that fucker and his cries were music to my ears. Then, when I saw Indy's bruises and her sweet, plush lips bleeding, I knew it wasn't enough. I should've killed him.

"You okay?" Speak of the devil. I turn to see Indy standing in the doorway with a large garment bag in her hand. Fuck, she's stunning. Raven curls loose, and she has thick, black-rimmed glasses framing her ice-blue eyes. I didn't know she needed glasses. They added this sharpness to her otherwise soft face.

"Yeah," I manage thickly while grabbing a paper towel and wiping my hand. "I'm just, never mind. Did you need in here?"

Indy sets the bag on the couch, and I see it's one of her gowns. I laugh lightly, "Princess time?" Indy gives me a smile that's missing her dimples. It's how I've come to differentiate between her real and fake ones.

"Yeah," she says softly, looking at the gown. "It's ummm…" She takes a deep, shaky breath. "It's one of those days that playing a princess is hard." I furrow my brows.

"You feeling bad or something? Can't another person go to the party?" I don't understand why she's so insistent on doing these kids' parties on her off days.

"I uh—" She looks up at me, and her eyes are glassy. "It's not a party thing. I run a non-profit called the Crown Project. It's where other volunteers and I get dressed up, go to children's hospitals, and hang out with the kiddos." Oh my god. She's an actual fucking angel. "There's this girl there, Reegan, and I know… I know I'm not supposed to get attached to the kids. We are taught that in nursing school because it can affect your ability to treat properly." She's a fucking nurse too? "I've always had a hard time with that rule. Reegan's an amazing girl. She's so sweet and funny. She has cancer and is having surgery today. I promised her I would be there to see her off and for when she wakes up."

"Wow," I breathe out, feeling so fucking heavy all of a sudden. "That's… that's really amazing, Indy." I see her dimples pop this time when she smiles, and damn, the things it does to my heart.

"Well," she breathes out while making a spinning motion with her fingers. "I'm going to get into this dress, but tell me, who's fucking nurses?" I turn around to give her privacy while chuckling at her question.

"You know, it sounds weird as shit when you curse, right?" I focus intently on the punching bag, not listening to the voice in my head reminding me if I look at the TV, I'll get a perfect reflection of her. No, not going to do it. I am a strong man.

"Oh? And why is that?" I hear clothing hit the floor, and my fucking cock decides now is the time to wake up. Perfect.

"Uhh… just your soft, sweet voice and demeanor." Without thinking, I glance at the TV, and there she is, bent the fuck over, ass on full display. I'm not a strong man. I'm actually very weak. I groan inwardly as my cock and brain continue to work against me. My dick is about to burst through my fucking zipper, and my brain keeps flashing images of me bending Indy over that couch and–

"So," Indy's voice causes me to cringe as she brings me back into the present. "Who is fucking nurses?"

My mouth is bone dry. "My brother," I manage. "He keeps flirting with them. They fuck and then get upset because they want more, and he's bored." I groan, exhausted by the whole ordeal. This is the second time I've had to chew his ass out in the past week. "Then they quit, and we've had four failed nurses. I'm pretty sure the agency will tell me to fuck off the next time I ask for a new nurse." Indy grabs my shoulder to turn me around, and my heart melts at how pretty she looks in the pink gown.

"Can you zip me?" She asks before turning to reveal her smooth bare back and…mother of god, she's wearing a fucking thong. I can only make out the top of the white lace, and I swear my cock is going to explode.

"May I ask who the nurse is for?" She says while holding her curls up. I zip her up way slower than needed, just for an excuse to stay near her longer.

"My dad," I admit, for some unknown reason. "He's not going to be around too much longer, and my mom isn't able to care for him. My brothers and sister help where they can, but they run my family's ranch, which is more than a full-time job. So, I offered to pay for a live-in nurse, not a booty call for Carter." When she laughs, Indy lets out the tiniest snort, and I've decided it's my favorite noise ever. And now I've decided I hate myself for making it my favorite noise. Nothing about Indy should be my favorite, yet here I am with a whole fucking list of my favorite Indy things. Like goddamn Julie Andrews.

"Well, where is the ranch? I know a few home nurses that could help out." I give her a soft smile.

"That's nice of you, darlin', but my family is all back in Virginia." I see an odd smile creep onto her face as she grabs her bag.

"If that's the case, I definitely think I can help you. No promises, but I'll make a call tonight after Reegan is out of surgery. I have to warn you, though, your brother tries anything with her, and she may castrate him."

I can't help the laugh that escapes from me. "And all the rest of the Rowe family will rejoice, trust me. We've had to pull his pecker out of the fire too many times." I freeze as her hand pats my chest.

"I'll see what I can do. Hmmm…" I look at her furrowed brows as she presses against my pec.

"Uhhh, Indy? What are you doing?" I shift uncomfortably.

"Weird," she muses. "I don't know what I expected a muscular chest to feel like, but this isn't it."

"Should I be insulted?" She shakes her head and removes her hand.

"No, no, it's not bad, it's just my chesticles are non-existent." To further her point, she cups both her breasts, moving them up and down. "I mean, solid A here." This is not real life. This woman is not standing here in a fucking princess dress, groping her tits and comparing our chests. "But they are still, like, soft. At least, I think so. But yours are, like, spongy."

"Mine are muscle. Will you stop groping our tits!" I hiss while swatting her hand away from my chest. "Ash is going to come in here, and you're going to get real fucking mad at me when I have to break his legs in self-defense." Dimples… abort mission…

"And you don't want me mad at you, right Derek?" She winks playfully, "Because you like me." She sings out, and I fucking hate that she knows how to play me.

"Fine," I grumble. "You are not a complete nuisance, and I would prefer you were happy to see me rather than hate me. There. Happy? Get that shit-eating grin off your face and get your ass outta here." She chuckles, grabbing her tote bag before walking over and, grabbing my hand and bringing it to her lips. She kisses my busted knuckles so softly that I would've missed it if I weren't watching. But I didn't miss it. And my heart is pounding in my chest because of it.

"Stop hurting your beautiful hands," she states before giving my hand a soft squeeze and walking out of the room.

Dumbstruck, I don't know what to do or say. All I know is, Indy is going to become a real fucking problem.

"Let me make something very clear." I roll my eyes at Ash's attempt at being intimidating. He's a big guy, but I'm bigger, I'm stronger, and I really just don't give a fuck. "I might not be able to stop whatever you and my sister got going on, but I will end your fucking life if you hurt a hair on her big ass head. Got it?"

I blink lazily at him before taking a bite of my protein bar. Usually, I try not to eat them, but it's been a fucking busy day. It's our first day accepting walk-ins since returning from the convention, and we have been slammed since Indy left. Well, started to leave. She fucking kissed my hand, and goddamn, Ash walked into the break room and nearly lunged at me.

"I ain't doing nothing with your damn sister. Would you stop with that shit?" I call out, annoyed by his constant threats, mainly because I am doing something with her. I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm doing more with her than I do with anyone else. "I can't help that your sister does the weird shit she does. It's not like I asked her for it."

"Don't lie, Virginia," Atlas says while hanging off his table. "You make the same googly eyes at her every time she walks by that Fox did when Janie was off limits.

"Y'all are seeing shit. I have no desire to be anything but friends with the girl."

"Friends?" Atlas raises a brow.

Rolling my eyes, I stand and start cleaning my table again. "Yeah? You know what a friend is, right?"

"Yeah," Atlas states slowly. "I also know that you have never shown an interest in being friends with anyone, ever."

"I have friends!" I snap, becoming annoyed. "Just because it ain't you idiots doesn't mean I don't have any."

"Well," Atlas says weakly. "If you're wondering where you left your knife, it's firmly plunged in my heart, Virginia." He weeps as I flip him off.

"Derek!" I hear Janie call. "Need you to do a verification!" The guys groan as I walk up to the front counter, where the redhead stands with a young man. He doesn't look familiar, but I see too many faces to remember them all.

"Let me see." The guy looks nervous, but pulls up his sleeve and shows me the black and grey shattered skull tattoo with roses around it.

"Yep, that's mine," I state before walking away while listening to the man complain.

"You are such a diva," Ash grumbles, and I shrug.

"The old man gave me the right."

"It's bullshit." Atlas whines.

"Leave it alone," Fox states, and I look up at him to see him staring in my direction. I look away and grab my bag, throwing it over my shoulder.

"I'm out," I say as I turn off my station light before heading outside.

I slide into my vehicle, my hands gripping the steering wheel tightly as I let out a slow, controlled breath. The tension in my body is palpable, like coiled wire ready to snap at any moment. People always assume they know me, judging me based on my reserved demeanor and strict boundaries. But they have no idea of the pain and suffering I've endured, the scars that I carry with me every day. So excuse me if I don't want to engage with the world, if I just want to be left alone. After all, it's better to be seen as a cold, heartless prick than to risk feeling that kind of intense pain again.

"Going to have to stop using me as an excuse eventually."

My heart stutters at my ex-wife's voice. Goddamn it, not now. Leave me the fuck alone. I don't need to think about her or why I don't trust friends, family, or anything.

My phone buzzes, both startling and further overwhelming me. I cock my fist back, ready to drive it into my steering wheel but freeze.

"Stop hurting your beautiful hands."

Indy's sweet voice fills my head, drowning out the other. I feel the warmth on my knuckles where her lips were. I can't hurt the spot that her lips were. Something about that just feels wrong. I look at my phone and do a double-take when I see who it is.

Indy: Heyyy

Furrowing my brows, I hit her name on the screen to call her. The phone connects to my Bluetooth, and I pull out of the parking lot.

"Oh my god," she groans. "Did you have to call? I know you're like a senior citizen and all, but learn to text."

I let her snarky comment slide for the time being. "You don't text me. I wanted to see what was going on. Plus, I'm driving."

"Oh, okay, Mr. Safety. Well, Reegan is in recovery." It wasn't until now that I realized how tense I had been all day. I didn't even know the girl, but knowing she was special to Indy meant I needed her to be alright.

"That's great," I breathe out, and I can hear the smile in her voice.

"It is! That's obviously not why I called you, though. Listen, you can totally say no, and I won't be mad, but do you care if I stay in your spare bedroom tonight? I'm so tired, and Luca's back home, and I—"

"Yes," I blurt out, way too eager, I'm sure. "Are you still at the hospital? I can come and get you."

"Oh! No! Go home, my Uber is, like, right outside. I'll be over soon." Before I can say anything else, the line disconnects. Sighing, I race home to take care of a few things I don't need her to see.

There's a knock on the door just as I hide her candle under my sink. I walk to the door and see Indy leaning against the door frame, looking very exhausted. She smiles appreciatively at me when I let her in.

"One last thing," she winces. "Can I borrow a shirt to sleep in and get a shower?"

"Oh yeah, go ahead," I say as she walks by me.

Once she walks off, I run my hands over my pajama pants as I sit on the couch and turn the TV on. I glance at her purple tote bag and smirk at the pictures printed all over it. They are of Indy in princess gowns with hospital staff and kids at different events. My eyes focus on one of her dressed up, her long hair in a loose braid with little flowers in it and a gold tiara on her head. She's sitting in a recliner chair next to a young boy, maybe ten. Both have masks over their faces, but I can still tell by her eyes that she's grinning. The boy has some kind of knitted cap on. It's brown with green Yoda ears sticking out the sides. Both of them have an IV—Indy's is in her arm, and the boy has one in his chest.

"That's Ollie." Her voice startles me. How long have I been looking at the picture?

"Huh?" Is my intelligent response as I stare at her. She's swimming in my long-sleeved green shirt that stops mid-thigh. Her legs are so smooth-looking, and it's making me feel and think about things I shouldn't, like finding out how they would feel wrapped around my head.

Indy gestures to the photo at the center of the collage as she sits down. "Ollie, he was my infusion buddy a few months back."

"Oh, his hat is cool." That seems to make her happy.

"Thanks! I made it for him. I try to make one for a lot of the kids, but with my hands this last relapse, it's been hard. I'm almost done with Reegan's."

"Why are you so nice?" I blurt out quickly without realizing it. But I don't understand; what does she get out of doing all of this?

Her smile softens. "These kids are the strongest, bravest little humans you'll ever meet. They aren't angry or bitter. The kids there go through a lot and are scared. The parents are full of worry and exhaustion. And when I go, I feel like, for that time, they get to feel a little less scared. The hats make it more bearable. The stories and songs lift their spirits and their families. I no longer have the stamina or ability to be a nurse, so this is my way of helping in any capacity I can."

"But why?" I don't understand. I've seen what she hides behind her masks, I've seen the anger, and I am familiar with her sadness. So why go and unnecessarily put herself in a position where she has to be happy?

She shrugs. "Sadly, many of the kids I see don't make it out of the hospital after my visit. I like to think that I made at least one of their last days a little less sad."

It's hard for me to swallow as her words sink in. I can't imagine seeing what she has and continuing to smile and volunteer. I don't want to ask, but I can't stop myself. "How is Ollie?"

Indy's sad smile falls further as she sets the bag aside. "Passed away ten days after that photo." She reaches into her bag and grabs her phone.

"Alright, I'll call my friend for you."

"W-Wait," I hold my hand out and cover her phone. "Indy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

She gives me a confused look before smiling. "You didn't. I don't mind talking about my kiddos. In fact, despite it hurting, I like it. I like what I do. Yeah, it's exhausting, and between funding the non-profit and my medical co-pays, I barely have enough money for food, let alone an apartment, but I feel important. I feel like I'm not some obligation to those kids. I feel like I make a small difference, and I love them all for each lesson they've taught me along the way. Don't take my sadness as a negative. I'm sad because I miss them, and that's okay. It's okay to miss someone. What's not okay is allowing that sadness to stop you from reaching out again."

I shift, suddenly uncomfortable with how deeply her words are hitting me. Thankfully, Indy starts tapping on her phone. She puts it on speaker as it begins to ring. After a few seconds, the call is accepted, and a lower feminine voice comes over the speaker.

"Fucken Indy Johnson. What's up, cupcake?" I can't help but smirk. I was a little nervous about who Indy might recommend as a live-in nurse for my family. I was terrified it would be some timid girl like Indy. But with her deeper, strong voice that seems to hold quite the attitude, this woman may be alright.

"Ozzy!" Indy grins. "Are you still looking for a job?"

"I mean, you know I'm in Maryland, baby, but I'll travel to the moon for you." I look at Indy. Is this woman flirting with her? Indy seems unfazed.

"Good to know, but actually, this is for a friend of mine." Friend. I don't like that; even though I said she and I are friends to Ash and the guys, her saying it annoys me in a way I hadn't expected. "His dad is ill and lives on a ranch in Virginia, so it would be a live-in position."

"Who lives there with the father?" Ozzy's voice is tentative as she speaks. I clear my throat.

"It's a large ranch, so there would be ranch hands coming and going, but the people living in the main house are my mother and three brothers. You would have your own place, though. A bedroom, sitting room, and bathroom all to yourself." Ozzy is quiet for a moment before letting out a breath.

"Indy, are they alright?" She asks, and I watch Indy glance over at me.

"Yeah, Oz, I promise you're safe there."

Ozzy exhales before responding. "Alright, well, send me the information. I'll start getting my shit together here. You know I can't leave right away, but I'll be out there."

I let out a sigh of relief as Indy and Ozzy say their goodbyes. "Indy, I can't thank you enough," I say as she beams at me.

"No problem, I'm glad I can help! Ozzy is amazing. She's really ummm…" She taps her chin as she tries to think of the word. "Just make sure your brothers don't provoke her." I hold out my pinky.

"You have my word." Indy doesn't take my pinky. Instead, she stares at my wrist. Looking down, I see what has her attention. My bracelet, which has been hidden under my long-sleeved shirt. On full display. The one she gave me, the one that I always wear, but always keep hidden.

"You—"

"Don't," I say sharply as I stand up. "Indy, do not say a fucking word." I point at her. I'm starting to feel backed into a corner. She wasn't supposed to see that. She wasn't supposed to know. I feel my heart rate spike, and my body grows hot as her eyes continue to focus on my bracelet. She stands and moves toward me. I move back, and we continue this until I reach the wall.

"Why?" she asks when she comes to a stop right in front of me.

"Indy," I groan out, my voice full of pain. "Please, can't you just accept that I'm wearing it?"

"I could, except you're hiding it. Again, why?" I drop my shoulders as I let my body slide down the wall, resting my head in my hands.

"Because it's easier if I live in denial, alright?" She kneels down in front of me and grips my hand, pulling it from my face.

"Denial about what?" she asks softly, her big blue eyes round and innocent.

"Indy…" My plea is barely a whisper. I'm losing this battle, and I can't. I can't give in to this feeling. She comes closer, and I close my eyes as she wraps her slight frame around my chest and hugs me tight.

"It's okay," she whispers soothingly. "I'm glad you like the bracelet, and I'm glad you want to be my friend. I want to be yours, too."

I could cry at this moment as relief washes over me. The feeling is fleeting, though. Guilt quickly replaces it. Guilt for not being man enough to tell her I wear it for the same reason I burn that stupid fucking candle every damn night because her being on my mind is my favorite thing. And having little reminders of her is the only thing that keeps me from losing my shit when I can't see her.

I hate this. I hate that I feel like a lovestruck teenager when she's near me. I'm not calm, I'm not articulate, and I sure as fuck not confident. She makes me think about things I haven't considered in years. I hate it, but I also hate how addicted I am to it. Her laughs, her sighs, her smell, her hair. Everything about her makes me feel something, and that scares the shit out of me because I didn't even have this kind of reaction with Justine, and I've been fucked up over her for nearly two decades. Indy has the power to quite literally destroy me.