9. Adam

Adam was settled on Minos' lap on the throne of bones in the Chamber of Judgment (it seemed like it ought to be capitalized in Adam's head, and he totally said it to himself like it was). He still couldn't get over the actual bones—it was so totally campy and cool at the same time. And badass. Because Minos was totally badass.

And amazing in bed. Holy shit. Because Adam was trying really hard to focus, but he was still sort of blissed out from the sublime experience that had been sixty-nining with Minos. He and Tim hadn't had much going on in the bedroom for years, and he realized that they probably hadn't had good sex, like, ever.

Adam had initially liked how laid back about sex Tim had been, but he was realizing that really it had just been boring, not laid back. Adam used to love giving blow jobs. Which, ok, he knew some people weren't fans, but he didn't get it. Feeling a hard dick in your mouth, tasting someone's skin and pre-cum, hearing the moans—it was hot. Feeling that dick getting harder as you sucked on it and licked it and used your tongue on it? HOT.

And maybe he had a bit of an oral fixation, because he couldn't seem to shut up, like, ever. But it was also knowing you were giving someone else pleasure. That they were totally into what you were doing. But with Tim, even something he used to love had gotten stale. Because Tim had never seemed totally into it. The sex was fine, but that's all it ever was. Tim got off, and he got off, but it wasn't very fun or messy or… carnal? One of his favorite activities had become like a chore. And he sort of hated Tim for that.

But Minos had made up for years of boring. Because holy shit, when Minos had started talking to him? Who knew he was such a whore for positive feedback. Because it had totally done it for Adam. When he had deep throated Minos and heard him moan, felt his dick pulse—damn. Adam didn't ever think giving a blow job had been so good for him. Even though he had felt his eyes start to water from having Minos' dick so deep, he hadn't wanted to come up, because he had just felt so good and floaty and horny. It was like an out of body experience.

And hey, if ever there was a time for out of body experiences, death was it. Adam snorted at that, and Minos looked at him, but Adam just smiled until Minos focused back on the demon and the human kneeling in front of them.

But Adam went right back to sex brain, and he realized that he was probably into being controlled a little more than he thought, because when Minos had grabbed his hair—that had been hot as fuck. Minos hadn't hurt him, and Adam somehow totally trusted that he would never hurt him, but just knowing that Minos was in charge? Total turn on.

He wiggled a little at that. He was definitely getting horny thinking about sex. He had a feeling that nothing was off the table with Minos. And he had so many ideas in his head.

Ideas which he was not going to blurt out. Because he had barely managed to convince Minos to let him go to work with him. But he had, and so far it had been pretty fun. At first, the demons did a bit of a double take to see him sitting there on Minos' lap, but the humans seemed so focused on Minos that he mostly got ignored. Most of the people were downright awful human beings, and it had felt kinda cool to add in his ideas on how they should be punished. And every once in a while he couldn't help asking the humans questions, but the demons with them and Minos just listened and nodded when he did that, so he thought he must be somewhat helpful, or at the very least not a distraction.

The demons had seemed sort of sullen and… well, tired, he guessed, when they were first popping in. And definitely surprised to see him. But by the third or fourth human, the entire mood of the demons entering the chamber had changed. Word must have gotten around about Adam, because as the judging wore on, the demons seemed gleeful (in a sinister way, of course) when they popped in and saw him sitting there.

Were there water coolers to gossip around in hell? If not, there must at least be break rooms, or maybe some form of a group text or office teams thread, and he figured he was probably the main source of office chatter in them right now. His imagination took him down a whole path of demons gleefully texting one another and gossiping about their boss's love life, and he had to restrain another chuckle.

Everyone had been really nice, though, considering this was hell. There had only been one sort-of incident so far. Before word had probably gotten around about him, a demon had popped in, seen him sprawled on Minos' lap, and the demon had promptly put his hand over the human's mouth who he had arrived with, giving Minos some kind of look. Minos had stared back for a minute and then asked Adam if he'd like to maybe take a quick nap or go back to his place for a bit. He'd gone for the nap, because Minos' lap was comfy, and he really didn't want to go off wandering hell on his own. And who didn't like naps?

He'd woken up as the man was being dragged off, and the demon had looked really sinister and scary, and Minos had looked kind of foreboding as well, although he'd had a gentle pat for Adam's arm when Adam looked at him. He figured there were some things he didn't want to hear about, and he trusted Minos to know what those things were.

Adam sighed, and the demon and Minos both looked at him. Oops. It was just that the guy in front of them right now was BORING. He was really handsome, but man, there was nothing going on upstairs. He talked endlessly about all the women he'd slept with, and the money he'd made (not very honestly), and how every failed relationship or friendship in his life had been the other person's fault. He even had the gall to say at one point that none of his misdeeds were his fault, and he shouldn't be judged for them. Typical narcissist.

"My god, you are so boring. Do you even hear yourself?" Adam said. Oops again. He just couldn't help it. The guy was annoying. Minos patted his leg, and the demon behind the guy chuckled darkly, so he figured he might as well keep going.

"That ‘chick with the red hair' loved you. And you made her doubt herself, and her beauty, and lied to her about the future, all for what? Some sex? To make you feel good about yourself? You dated her for almost a year and broke up with her in the meanest way possible because she, what, questioned you? Asked if you guys were gonna really take that trip to Greece you kept promising her? You are such an asshole."

The guy looked totally pissed at that, and Adam just knew he was about to lash out, because that's what assholes like him did, but the demon grabbed his mouth so he couldn't talk. Adam turned to Minos, and he was feeling a little harsh, because in a few small ways this guy reminded him of Tim (only like twenty times worse, because Tim hadn't been this much of a shit, he could admit that).

"You should totally make this guy ugly. Like make his outside match his inside. And you should make him fall in love over and over and over again, and have the people he loves never love him back. Let them be mean and harsh and cruel like he was. And maybe eventually let each relationship last a little longer, so he has hope that things are changing, but then let each one end with him knowing they never loved him. Heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak. Let him see what it is to love someone other than himself and to find out he meant nothing to them."

Minos nodded his head. "It seems fitting," he said, looking at the demon, who looked gleeful. The human still looked pissed enough to come up and take a swing at Adam, but Adam wasn't worried. A few decades of actually caring about someone and having your heart broken would teach this guy a lesson.

The demon dragged the guy out, and no one else popped in. "You seem restless," Minos said.

"Well, I was thinking about sex. With you. Obviously. And it's so cool what you do and I loved sitting in and helping in any way I could, but then sex brain took over, and that guy was just kinda boring, and I was thinking about all the things we could do…" Adam trailed off as he noticed a woman gliding in. And yes, this chick totally glided. She was gorgeous with curly, dark hair that looked straight out of a shampoo commercial. Damn, they knew their beauty products in the afterlife.

"Minos, darling, who is your little pet?" she purred, sliding into a chair at the other end of the room, her bare leg sliding out of a slit in her dress. Damn, she could totally be a model.

"You could totally be a model. Or a statue. Like some Greco-Roman thing or something. All posed like a goddess or some shit," he said, patting Minos' thigh at the same time, because he seemed to get a little tense when the lady sat down.

"But don't worry, Big Guy, I totally prefer your dick to Greco-Roman statue girl over there. And I have plans for that dick. I just want her shampoo, because then you could run your hands through my hair and it would be all soft and shiny. Oh, or when you grab me by the hair, it would be like holding silk. So hot." And Adam started fanning himself a little just thinking about it.

Whatever he said eased something in the room, because Minos seemed to untense a bit, and statue lady looked suddenly less statuesque. She even pulled out some little figurine, a paintbrush, and a little palette thing with a lid. She rested the palette on the arm of the chair, uncapped it, and started painting the figurine. Where the hell had she been storing that? It wasn't big, but he had not seen any bulges in her dress.

"Is that, like, some kind of Mary Poppins dress or something? Because there were no bulges in your dress, and I am like a total pro at noticing bulges." Adam snickered. "Pun totally intended," he added.

"And holy shit, is that Minos?" Adam hopped off Minos' lap at that, to which Minos gave a bit of a growl, but he kept walking over to get a closer look.

"Oh my demon—I'm trying to not use the g-word, but I don't know if ‘Oh my demon' works, ya know?" he said to the woman's bemused face. "Anyway, that thing totally looks like him! Fantastic! And look at the cute fangs! Minos! She's got your fangs carved in here!" he gushed, turning around to see Minos looking decidedly not thrilled.

"Oh, don't worry, Mr. Sexy Demon, you still look all menacing and evil," he said to Minos before turning back to the woman. "I'm Adam, by the way. I take it you aren't here to be judged? You aren't doing the whole kneeling and crying thing, and no demon came in with you. Are you an upstairs reject like me?"

She laughed at that, and Minos growled again, so Adam walked back over and climbed into his lap, and Minos wrapped his arms firmly around Adam, probably so he wouldn't get up again. Adam certainly didn't object. He was a total cuddleslut.

"I love your cuddles," he whispered to Minos, because good habits should totally be encouraged. The woman laughed loudly at that, and Minos growled again. He did not seem pleased with the woman for some reason.

"Uh oh, is she, like, some arch nemesis or something? Because you don't seem thrilled. And I can totally hate her on principle if she's on your shit list. Just let me know. I mean, I may forget and talk to her, because, hello, I'll talk to anyone, but I can totally do snarky when I do talk to her. I have snark. I can bring the resting bitch face." And then Adam glared at her, because it seemed fitting.

Which made her laugh again and made Minos hug him closer, but his big guy also seemed to ease up on being so tense.

"Oh darling, he is a precious pet. Wherever did you find him?" she asked.

"Oh darling," he said sarcastically (see, he could be snarky), "he didn't find me. I found him. And I hit on his sexy ass the minute I was dropped in for judgment. And I am sitting right here, so maybe stop referring to me like I'm not here or even a person. Which, I mean, maybe I'm not technically a person, since I'm dead. But you get the point.

"Andeven if you're dead, or a demon, or whatever, you ought to introduce yourself when someone introduces themself to you. And oh my god, are you from upstairs? Because you are totally giving me upstairs vibes here."

Minos laughed at that, and Ms. Darling, whose name he still didn't know, looked utterly shocked. She paused with her paintbrush an inch away from her figurine like she was literally frozen, just staring at Minos.

"This, my dear Adam, is Pandora," Minos said, waving his hand toward the woman, who still looked shocked. "And she is not an arch nemesis. She does occasionally get on my nerves, but she is harmless. No snark necessary."

"Oh, thank goodness. Because snark is hard all the time, you know? It just isn't my default state. Life's too short to be mean. Which was totally a true saying in my case, since I am dead."

And then a lightbulb went off in Adam's head, because he gasped, looking over at Pandora. "Oh my god! Are you THE Pandora? With the box?"

At which point Pandora sighed, sliding the figurine and paint back wherever it had come from. And didn't the paint get her dress all… painty? Because Adam thought about stuff like that. But she didn't seem worried, and he was a little preoccupied with this possibly being a mythical woman, so he figured he'd ask Minos later.

"I will never live that down," she muttered. "And listen, it wasn't like Earth was all perfect and sin-free before that anyway. And how was I supposed to know what was in the box?"

"Listen, I totally feel you," Adam cut in. "If my hubby had some secret box he didn't tell me about, you can bet your ass I'd be opening it up to see what was inside. If he had simply told you what was in the damn thing, it wouldn't have been a problem." Adam turned to Minos at that.

"So Mr. Sexy Demon, no secrets. Look what happens. Relationships end. Evil is released upon the world. Always bad things. No. Secrets," Adam reiterated, poking Minos in the chest on the last two words.

Minos simply chuckled. "No secrets. I may forget to tell you things, but I will never keep anything from you on purpose." And Adam figured that would have to do, so he patted Minos' chest instead of poking.

Minos turned toward Pandora. "Yes, this is THE Pandora," he said. "And no, she isn't from upstairs, although she certainly could be promoted if she wanted to be. However, she's become like a queen in Limbo, and I doubt she'll be moving along anytime soon."

"And upstairs doesn't throw parties like Limbo does," Pandora added, smiling. "I will certainly not be getting promoted, as you call it, anytime soon. I'm quite content where I am."

"Parties? Did you say parties? There are Limbo parties?" Adam asked, practically squirming in excitement. He saw Pandora grinning like she'd just won a prize, and he heard Minos groan and felt his head drop down on top of Adam's.

Ok, so he knew parties probably weren't Minos' scene, but he totally wanted to see Limbo. And Adam might be dead, but he didn't have to act like it. Fun was totally called for.

Besides, Minos had never partied with Adam. He'd show his demon a good time.