Chapter Five

Sky

The night is split between me trying to reach my clit behind this huge belly and attempting an orgasm with the shower head. Nothing worked. I couldn’t balance in the shower, and my arms are too short to maneuver around this stomach.

Do you have any idea how torturous it is to have an itch you absolutely cannot scratch yourself?

Believe me, I tried everything.

Breakfast is laid out in the lobby with fresh juice, a pancake machine, oatmeal, and a bowl of fruit. Carson is already sitting at the far back table with a muffin and banana. He stands when he sees me.

My heart does loop-de-loops then stops all together when his giant frame presses into mine. He’s so handsome.

His big hand rubs over my belly and he leans down to talk to Tess. “Good morning, sweet girl. You and your mama look beautiful today.”

More insane crushing between my legs and in my chest ensues.

He pulls out the chair at the table. “What do you want for breakfast? I’ll go grab it for you.”

I’m not used to being pampered and I’m not going to start getting used to it now. “It’s fine. I can gra—”

“No.” He holds out the chair and nods for me to take a seat. “Please. I want to help.”

“Okay… I’ll take whatever. We’re not picky.”

As though he knows me, he grabs two pancakes, a syrup, a cup of strawberries, and a Greek yogurt. I didn’t see the yogurt before. When he’s back with that, he disappears again to fill a cup with warm water before grabbing a bag of decaffeinated tea.

“You sleep okay?”

I nod. “Yeah, you? How’d things go with Tyler last night?”

“Good. He was exhausted, so he didn’t say much, just that he’s going to meet us again on the way home. I don’t think he suspected anything.”

It’s a simple word and I know that Carson doesn’t mean anything by it, but hearing ‘suspected’ in the same sentence as my brother makes my skin crawl.

“What’s wrong?” Carson presses. “You’ve gone pale.”

“Oh, really?” I peel back the top to the yogurt and focus on mixing the bit of water at the top in. I like yogurt, but this part grosses me out. “I’m good.”

“No, something changed. What’s wrong?”

I glance toward him. He’s stopped eating, his focus entirely on me as his big hand scrubs over his beard.

Maybe I could stop being so turned on for a few minutes so I could tell him what’s bothering me. I don’t know why I can’t say it.

“It’s okay.” He reaches out and holds my hand in his. Flashbacks of where he’d touched me last night go shivering through me. I really don’t want to press on the breaks. I want to keep this going for as long as possible, but I’m not sure who that’s helping anymore.

“Look,” I sigh, reluctantly pulling my hand away, “I’m not denying that last night was everything, and trust me, I spent the rest of it desperately wanting you, but I’m not sure this makes sense anymore. You have four brothers, but you’re all Tyler has.”

“He has you.”

“And he won’t have me if I fuck him over like this… or you. I can’t do that to him.”

Carson drags in a deep breath and nods. I see the disappointment on his face and my body reacts physically.

I have to grip the edges of the chair so I don’t get up and hold him, tell him I’m a liar, and beg him to take me upstairs.

I’m pretty sure that’s what people call mixed signals.

“Does he have to know?” Carson’s tone is deep and ragged. I know this isn’t who he is. He’s not the guy who’d go behind another man’s back and cause all this mistrust. Neither am I, but all I’m thinking about is how we could hide this.

We could meet up when Tyler is at work. We could hide away on vacations together that no one knew we took. We could ignore each other around town and change each other’s names in our phone. No one would have to know except us.

Unfortunately, I’d know.

I’d know I was playing with fire. I’d know that I was disappointing my big brother. I’d know that he’d possibly never forgive me.

He’s the closest thing I have to family. This isn’t all about Tyler losing out on friendships. It’s about me losing him too. I need my big brother in my life.

“It’s a bad idea,” I finally say, my tone a whisper. “We can’t lie.”

“So, we don’t. Let’s do this all out in the open.” Carson shifts his head to the left, his gaze harsh with mine. “I’m assuming a lot here, honey. Maybe I should slow down. Do you… have you… thought about me like I’ve thought about you?”

I drag in a staggered breath. It’s a poignant question. One that deserves a poignant answer. “What have you thought about me?”

Why did I ask that? I don’t need to know what he’s thinking about me. We can’t do anything about it, and it’s dangerous as hell for me to know. I can’t think about it for the rest of my life. I can’t wonder what could’ve happened between us forever. Suddenly, I have a depth of understanding for Kelly’s situation I didn’t have before.

He drags in a deep breath, and his thumb brushes over the back of my hand. “I stayed away for so many years because I knew how badly I needed you.”

My chest tightens.

“You became this woman. This curvy, thick, beautiful woman and that combined with the smart mouthed sweetheart that you are… I couldn’t trust myself to act right around you. Hence, last night.” He laughs nervously. “But the truth is, even when we weren’t talking, I was still thinking about you.”

“You dated other people. I know you did.” I’m not sure why this seems important. I also dated other people. We should have been dating other people.

“I was always thinking about you. Sky, I didn’t think we’d ever get this opportunity, and I thought I needed to move on because that’s what was right for me, but no one measures up to you. No one. And if we’re being honest, anyone I’ve ever touched, I’ve thought about you the entire time.”

A tear rolls down my face because I know that feeling. I’ve had it myself. I didn’t want to be with my baby’s father. He’s the biggest asshole of all time. He literally made my life torture in so many ways, but I closed my eyes, and I pretended I was there with Carson.

Why does this have to be such a mess?

My panties are soaked, the baby is kicking, and I drag in a breath before a tear falls. “I thought about you, too. All the time. I imagined he was you. I imagined the things you’d say to me, how you’d comfort me, how you’d hold me. I imagined it was your body I was pressed up against. And now, even after last night, even after all I wanted to do was run down that hall and finish what we started, I know I can’t disappoint my brother. I just can’t. He’s… he's all I have in the world, Carson.”

“You’d have me.” His tone is low.

A tear drops onto my arm and then another.

“Why are we torturing ourselves, honey? We don’t need to. We can have what’s right, and we can do it without the drama. Maybe he’d understand. We don’t know.”

I swallow hard and stare toward him. Suddenly, my appetite is gone. All I want to do is crawl into bed and accept the fate I’ve been dealt. I’m in love with a man I can never have. “He’s not going to understand, Carson. It’s not that simple.”

“So, it takes him a while to come around. He’s not going to abandon you, bug. He won’t.” I know the bug is involuntary, but I don’t hate it this time. In fact, it’s comforting.

“I should call for a ride home. I can’t do this anymore. I’m exhausted.”

His brows narrow. “What? What about your stuff? You—”

“It doesn’t matter. Gentry was right. I can buy new stuff. He probably pawned my shit, anyway. Besides, I don’t want him to see I’m pregnant. This whole thing was an awful idea.”

“Honey, I’m getting your stuff. You wanted it. You can wait in the truck. In fact, I prefer it.”

It’s a generous offer, but I genuinely don’t care about any of it anymore. And truthfully, what I want more than anything is to not ride a second longer with Carson.

“I’m going to call my friend, Kelly. I’m sure she’ll come get me.” I squeeze his hand and stand from the table. “I’m so sorry about this. You’ll still get paid.”

He stands. “ Paid? I don’t give a fuck if you pay me.” His big arm grips mine and turns me back. “Look at me. I’m in love with you. I don’t do that. I don’t fall in love.”

“You didn’t this time either. You’re confused. You want me because you can’t have me.”

He laughs. “Jesus Christ. Is that really what you’re going to boil this down to? Some game?”

“I’m being real, Carson,” I say, my tone rising. I’m not sure what’s happening. I really want to hold him close and crash against his chest, but for some reason, I’m yelling and saying the opposite of everything I feel. “This would never work. We’re in a fantasy land. We’ve idealized each other. The second we got together, we’d realize all of it was in our heads and we’d implode, taking Tyler down with us. What’s the point?”

He scoffs and shakes his head. “I know that’s not what you think. You know we’re perfect for each other. I bet you think about it all the time.”

“We don’t know each other!” I holler, causing the busy dining room to quiet.

I hadn’t realized how much was going on around me until this moment. The room has filled up with at least ten groups. Dishes are clanking, suitcases are rolling, and a small dog sits beside a table with a service vest that looks like it was purchased online, but I won’t judge.

“Why are you lying to yourself?” he groans, staring at me. “Why are you so afraid to do what you want?”

I never saw myself as a person afraid of anything. I’ve lived all over the country, I’m impulsive as hell, I spend money without thought, and I make decisions based on feelings all the time. “I’m not afraid, Carson. I’m trying not to hurt someone I love.”

“You love me. ”

I know where he’s going with this. “I’ll always love you.” Our gaze holds, and though the room has resumed the clickety-clack of silverware and the low hum of chatter, it’s like we’re alone.

“So, then love me,” he growls, pulling me against his chest. My belly gets in the way of us being as close as I’d like. “I’ll raise this baby like my own, we’ll be a family, and I promise I’ll work every day to make things right with Tyler.”

My heart is beating so hard that I feel a little dizzy. I stare up at him and say, “I’m going to call Kelly. Thank you for… bringing me out here. I’m lucky to have you, but it’s probably best that we keep our distance.”

Tears roll down my face as I turn and walk away. Every step is heavy like I’m slogging through mud while staring at a sign that’s flashing ‘U-turn ahead.’

I don’t want to do this. I want to bury myself against his chest and run away together. I want a family with him. I want everything all at once. But most of all, I want to go back in time and erase the part where I ever met this big giant of a man, because loving him without being able to hold him is a punishment I don’t deserve.