Chapter 16

CHAPTER 16

SERPENTS SINGLES GROUP CHAT

Lawson: Did anyone pack any extra underwear? I need to borrow some.

Locke: What in the actual fuck, Lawson?

Lawson: Well, did you?

Hayes: You are absolutely NOT asking that right now.

Fox: Look, I'm friendly and all, but that's too far even for me.

Hutch: I hate this group chat.

Keller: Fucking same.

Lawson: NONE OF THESE ARE REAL ANSWERS!

Lawson: I need underwear.

Hayes: Then go buy some!

Lawson: Dude, have you SEEN the prices of underwear these days? Those things are expensive!

Hutch: You make millions of dollars, dude.

Lawson: Easy for you to say. You're dating a billionaire.

Hutch: Who happens to be your girlfriend's sister. Does Rory know you're so chill about the idea of wearing other people's underwear?

Lawson: She'd totally understand.

Locke: But would she?

Fox: I'm guessing no. Because again…too far, Lawson. Too far.

Lawson: Whatever. You guys are the worst. Acting like I wouldn't wash them or something. I'm not rude. I have manners.

Keller: Should have packed better. You knew we were on the road for nine days.

Lawson: It's so many days though.

Keller: Would you rather be at home?

Lawson: I'm sorry. Have you SEEN my girlfriend?

Lawson: Wait. Don't answer that.

Lawson: But yes, I'd much rather be at home.

Lawson: But like…later this week. I want to beat the Comets and Columbus first.

Hutch: Please tell me someone has Greer's number so we can screenshot this conversation and show him how idiotic his brother is.

Hayes: I do!

Hayes: Sending it now, Captain.

Lawson: NO!

Lawson: I'M SORRY, OKAY?

Lawson: I. AM. SORRY!

Lawson: Greer is like SO mean. He's grumpier than Keller.

Keller: And that's saying something because I've met me.

Hutch: I don't know. I feel like they'd have some good competition with one another.

Fox: As if you have any room to talk.

Lawson: Oh, snap. Foxy getting sassy.

Fox: Sorry, Captain, but you know it's true.

Hutch: That's fair. Even Auden says I'm grumpy.

Lawson: She calls him Mr. Grumbles.

Locke: Awww.

Keller: Too fucking cute, Hutchy.

Fox: So sweet, Mr. Grumbles.

Hayes: Better than that stupid nickname Lawson came up with for himself. Lawless Lawson? Get real.

Locke: Can we just talk about the fact that he gave HIMSELF a nickname? So dumb.

Keller: The dumbest boy in all the land.

Lawson: Um, this dumb boy can still read, and he's incredibly offended!

Hutch: Not as offended as we are that you asked to borrow our underwear.

Lawson: I WAS GOING TO WASH THEM!

Hayes: Still gross.

Lawson: Your face is gross.

Lawson: Can we talk about something else? Like literally anything?

Fox: Sure. How's it going with your new nanny, Hayes?

Keller: Yeah, when do the rest of us get to meet her? I want to see her chew you out in person.

Lawson: Ah. Still such a highlight of my offseason.

Fox: Mine too.

Locke: I'm getting increasingly jealous that I didn't get to see this.

Hutch: I don't know what you guys are talking about. She was super nice when I met her.

Hutch: Auden can't stop talking about her earrings.

Hayes: I fucking hate those stupid things.

Lawson: I don't know. I thought they sounded cool.

Fox: They did.

Keller: Even I want to see them. And see if her ass is as nice as you say it is.

Hayes: Keller, I fucking swear…

Keller: What? We were all thinking it.

Fox: I wasn't.

Lawson: Me either.

Hutch: Nope.

Locke: Literally only you, man.

Keller: Come on. WTF? I'm not the bad guy here! That's Lawson's job.

Lawson: Excuse me, I'm a good boy now.

Keller: Fine then. It's Hayesy's job.

Hutch: Not anymore. He's, like, responsible and stuff. So is Locke. And Fox is…well, he's Fox. Ever the gentleman.

Fox: Howdy.

Locke: Sorry, Kells. Looks like you're the bad guy now.

Keller: This is bullshit.

Keller: Totally unfair.

Keller: Hayes, go back to being a shitbag.

Hayes: Sorry, man, no can do. I've turned over a new leaf.

Keller: Then turn it back over.

Hayes: Not happening.

Lawson: Haha, Kells, you suck the most now.

Keller: Not as much as your mother sucks.

Hutch: Booo!

Locke: Booo!

Hayes: Booo!

Fox: Booo!

Lawson: What's it like to be the most hated, Kells?

Keller: Never felt better.

Lawson: Liar.

Keller: Fuck you, Lawsy.

Lawson: Love you too, buddy.