Chapter Thirty-Eight Noah

When Noah got back to the library, he looked for Faith. Guilt had gnawed at him the whole way back from the safe house. She deserved to know that he was leaving. He owed her the truth.

The last words his ma had spoken to him played over and over in his head.

"I'm glad we had this chance to talk, before… you know." She had paused, as though gathering herself. "I'm glad you felt you could be honest with me. It means a lot." Noah had bent his head, hiding his expression from Robyn. "And, despite what you might sometimes think… I'm very proud of you."

There had been a crackle, as though the walkie-talkie had been on the point of giving up. Noah lunged forward, clutching the device like some kind of lifeline. But her final words had come through loud and clear.

"I love you, Noah. Just try to keep a cool head, okay? For me?"

It took him more than an hour to find Faith. He began in the library, knowing it was her sanctuary. But the space was empty, aside from the books on its shelves, which stared down at him in pity.

He tried the bedroom she shared with some other Resistance members, to no avail. Madeleine's office, the hub, even opening the door to the exit tunnel. Faith was nowhere to be found. He racked his brain for somewhere else she might be. Had she left the building? But Madeleine hadn't allowed her to go anywhere recently. Surely, with the mission ahead, she wouldn't risk discovery?

He gave up, trailing back to the storage room, though he doubted he would be able to sleep without speaking to her. Tugging the door open, he almost had a heart attack when he spotted a figure lying on the mat on the floor. Faith. He ducked inside, closing the door behind him. Creeping closer, he knelt down beside her. Had she been crying?

"Where have you been?"

He cradled her face in his hand. Her eyes fluttered open, widening as she recognised him.

"What happened?" He stroked a thumb over her cheek. "Are you okay?"

She shook her head, the tears returning. Slowly, she shuffled backwards, making space for him beside her. Gesturing to the empty space, she looked up.

After a moment's pause, he lowered his body until it lay next to hers. "What is it?"

Her eyes widened. "You didn't hear?"

"I only just got back. Came straight to find you."

"The team didn't get the placebos into the academy in time." She paused, breathing hard. "Two of the girls… girls I've known since I was ten years old… they're…"

She didn't need to finish the sentence.

He shifted closer, until their bodies pressed against one another from shoulder to hip. "I'm so sorry."

At his whispered condolence, something in her seemed to break. Thrusting her arms around him, she buried her face in his neck and sobbed. Noah wrapped his arms around her as tightly as he could manage, trying to contain her grief. Her entire body shuddered, racked with sobs. Not knowing what to say, he simply held her. Stroking a hand down her back, he waited until the fit of tears began to subside. When her breath evened out a little, he tried to pull back, searching for something to say.

"I can't imagine–" he began, but she didn't let him finish.

Her eyes desperate, she lunged forward, pressing her lips to his. The kiss wasn't gentle. As their mouths collided, he felt the contact as bruising, almost violent. He knew he should back away. She wasn't in the right state of mind for this. It was a bad idea. They had decided to wait.

But his body responded to her passion in an almost primal way. He returned the kiss, feeling the strength of her emotions in the way she pressed her body up against him. But when her hands pressed against his chest and her lips moved lower, he knew he had to stop her.

Something was driving her. He instinctively knew she wouldn't be the one to end this. Grief was overwhelming her and she was trying to bury it with desire. He didn't want their first time to be like this. And, if she was in her right mind, neither would she.

His body aching, he pushed away, resisting her. Her hands had moved lower, pulling up the hem of his shirt, her fingers exploring the bare skin beneath. Shivering, he took hold of her hands and removed them. Holding them, he hauled in a deep breath.

"Stop."

Her eyes flew open. "W-what?"

He attempted a smile. "We should stop. This isn't going to help."

She blinked, the heat in her eyes fading. Already he could see the despair return.

"It might feel good now, to block out the hurt…" he inched backwards, "but you'll hate yourself when it's over and the sadness comes back."

"I'm sorry." She flushed. "I didn't–"

He pulled her close, sensing the danger was over. "It's okay. Understandable. And… in case you weren't clear on this… I was enjoying it. It's just…"

"I know." Her voice was barely a whisper. "We said we wouldn't. And to do it now, when I'm…" She reached up, brushing a stray hair from his face. "Thank you. For stopping me."

"No problem." He groaned. "Honestly, it was one of the hardest things I've had to do."

She shifted closer, laying her head on his chest. "I can't believe they're gone. We thought we had it under control, but…"

He brushed a lock of hair off her forehead. "We did all we could."

"It wasn't enough."

"One day it will be." He cradled her head against his chest. "At least the placebos are there now. The rest of the girls will be safe."

"For now." She sighed. "We just have to hope that the rest of the mission goes to plan. That we can get them out for good. Did you get through to Eremus?"

He nodded. "They want to play their part too." He hesitated. "There's something I need to tell you."

"They're sending you undercover to the hospital." She shifted. "I already know."

He braced himself for her anger. "I'm sorry I didn't–"

"It's fine." She leaned her head back to look at him. "I knew you had to go at some point. I can hardly judge you for helping with the very thing I've wanted since I returned to Bellator. You have an important part to play in Sophia's rescue."

"So do you." He felt her shrug beneath him. "You do!"

"I suppose." She leaned back against his chest. "I just feel like I'm doing so little when you're going to put yourself directly in the firing line to save my best friend."

"I think," he gathered his thoughts, "I think it's natural that you're scared for us. For me." He took her chin in his hand and pulled her gaze to meet his. "I love that you care so much… for me. But this is what we both came here for. To improve things. So we have to be brave. Do what's asked of us. And hope we come out the other side unscathed."

"But I feel like I won't be doing anyth–"

"You're wrong. You'll be doing something very important. We can't all do battle with guns and knives and fists. Some people are meant for that." He thought of Paulo and Flynn. "But others, people like you and me, we have to find different ways to fight. My way is to act a part. Adopt a disguise. Go undercover and try to help free your friend. Yours–" Faith opened her mouth to speak, but he held up his hand. "Yours is to speak out about what you know."

"But what good are words?"

"What do you mean?" He faked shock. "Wars have been won with speeches, in the past. Did you know that? Instead of violence, people protested. Brought the truth to the eyes of people who'd been lied to. It's a vital stage of this fight. Once the women of Bellator see the truth, they'll support the Resistance in bringing Danforth down." She tried to lower her gaze, but he hung on to her chin. "You're the person delivering those all-important words. Don't tell me that's not important."

"I'm so afraid it won't be enough." Her voice was barely a whisper.

Leaning forward, he pressed his lips to hers. When he pulled away, the pain in her eyes had dimmed.

"It will be enough. You just have to find the right words. You can do it. But promise me you'll stop thinking what you're doing isn't important?"

"I promise."

She leaned in, returning the kiss. Her lips were soft and warm. Noah wondered if he'd ever get used to kissing her. For a moment, he relaxed into it, but when her arms crept around his neck and she shifted closer, he pulled away.

"Do you think maybe you should go and get some sleep?" Her face fell. "Not that I want you to go. Obviously."

"Could I maybe… stay?" She blushed. "I mean… if you're being sent away soon, we might not have too many more moments to be alone."

"Stay?" He glanced around at the limited space. "Really? It won't be too comfortable. Ella wanted to stay in here with me the day we arrived." He held out a hand at Faith's expression. "She was nervous, that's all. She wanted to be with a familiar face."

Faith lowered her eyes. "I'm willing to bet that Ella wasn't willing to lie this close to you."

A thrill ran through him. "Alright. If you're sure. But if you wake up in a couple of hours with a stiff neck, feel free to go back to your usual bed."

"I will." She shifted her body until she was lying the length of the sleeping mat again. When he didn't follow, she frowned. "Come on, then. We both have to lie the same way for this to work, surely?"

Tentatively, he eased his body in place alongside her. The mat was so small that he had to loop an arm around her waist just to ensure she didn't slide off. Nose to nose, they exchanged nervous smiles.

"I don't think this is very practical." He kissed her again.

"How about if we…" she blushed, "if we lie with my back to your front. Like spoons."

He felt a rush of heat at the suggestion but tried to keep his voice even. "I guess that might work."

Faith wriggled around until she was facing the opposite direction. Then, sighing, she nestled into him.

"That okay?"

It was better than okay, but for a moment Noah couldn't find the words. After a brief pause, he managed a strangled, "Fine," but wasn't sure if he'd manage to get any sleep at all with Faith pressed up against him.

When she stilled, however, Noah found a sense of calm settle over him. As her breathing steadied, becoming deeper and more rhythmic, he relaxed his arms around her and dropped a soft kiss on the back of her head, breathing in the scent of her hair.

"Noah?" The words were sleepy.

"Uh-huh?"

"Be careful out there, won't you?"

He squeezed her tighter. "I will. I promise."

When he woke, the room felt different. It took him a few minutes to work out that he wasn't alone. Beside him, Faith stirred, rolling to face the ceiling. She opened her eyes and smiled.

"Hey," she murmured.

"Hey, yourself. This is… new." He held her gaze, feeling the tension at the unfamiliar intimacy. "You okay?"

"A little better than I was last night." She shrugged. "Because of you."

Something surged inside him at her words. "I'm glad."

"I've actually been awake a while." She shifted slightly. "I was just… lying still… trying to stay in the moment. Enjoy a little peace before the storm begins."

"You think we're ready?"

She paused before answering, considering her words. "As ready as we can be."

"You thought about what I said?" Noah nudged her gently. "About your speech? How much it matters?"

"I did."

"And?"

"I know you're right." She reached for his hand. "You make me feel strong. Safe. When I'm with you–?"

"You too?" He tried to clarify. "I mean… it's the same for me. When I'm with you, I feel like I could do anything."

She smiled, sadly. "You were exactly what I needed last night." She glanced away. "I'm pretty sure I'd like to wake up next to you every morning."

He was silent for a moment, taking in the enormity of her statement. "That's… that's quite a declaration."

"It's how I feel."

"Me too." He pulled her to him.

"That's good to know."

She leaned forward, until their lips met. Noah closed his eyes, savouring the moment. Who knew how many more times they would be together before he left?

After a moment, she broke the contact. "I have to get out of here. Before there are too many people around."

"You're ashamed of me?" He cocked his head to one side.

"No. I just…" She blushed. "I like things… us the way we are. I don't want people weighing in with their opinions."

"I get it." He stretched his arms over his head. "Better get moving, then. Don't want anyone to catch us. I'll wait a few minutes before I follow."

With a final kiss, she manoeuvred her way to the door, turning back to gaze at him before she opened it. When she was gone, he lay back, straightening his spine in a way he hadn't been able to all night. It was a relief, but at the same time he missed her presence.

Eventually, he decided he had given her enough time to escape without alerting suspicion. Rubbing a tired hand across his face, he left the store room and wandered into the hub. It was quiet, being so early. He was just helping himself to a coffee and a roll smothered in jam when the door to Madeleine's office opened.

He turned with a smile, ready to greet whichever leader was emerging. Instead, he found himself faced with an unfamiliar drudge. Behind him stood Robyn.

"Noah!" she greeted him brusquely. "Just the person."

She moved into the hub, beckoning to the newcomer to follow her. The new drudge's eyes darted around the room, seeming uncomfortable with his surroundings. When they reached Noah, Robyn stopped.

"I was just coming to find you." She paused, waiting for the drudge to catch up to her. "We had a team at the hospital last night. They managed to find a drudge that looked enough like you." She gestured to the man standing behind her. "Meet Rowan. You'll be replacing him at the Bellator Hospital first thing tomorrow."