138. Rosalyn

ONE HUNDRED THIRTY-EIGHT

ROSALYN

Warmth surrounds me.

I inhale the scent of laundry and cologne, reminding me exactly where I am.

In Nathan's bed.

The weight against my back and across my side throws me off for a moment, and I crack my eyes open.

The bed before me is empty.

I stretch my arm out, unable to reach the other side.

Nathan was in his spot when I fell asleep, but now he's behind me, spooning me with his heat.

I close my eyes and soak in the feel of him.

Maybe he got up to use the bathroom and decided to climb onto my side because it's closer.

My lips pull up in a small smile as I picture his butt hanging over the edge of the bed.

Then my eyes open again.

Thinking about going to the bathroom makes me realize how badly I have to go.

I nervously drank about five ginger ales during dinner, and now I'm paying the price .

Craning my neck, I look at the clock.

Four a.m.

If I don't go now, I'll wake up again in an hour, having to pee so bad my stomach will ache.

Trying to stay sleepy so I can go right back to bed, I keep my eyes half closed as I shimmy out of Nathan's hold and crawl across his side of the mattress.

I hear the thump of Charles jumping off the bed, then he follows me into the bathroom.

I don't turn any lights on, having learned my way around, and I scratch the top of Charles's head as he bumps into my shins while I sit on the toilet.

The cat continues to follow me as I wash my hands, then head back into the bedroom. And I soak in his companionship.

Out of habit, I walk toward my side of the bed, forgetting it's occupied.

I'm yawning when something crinkles under my foot.

Instinct of stepping on something foreign has me jerking my foot away.

And I almost keep moving.

Almost ignore it and go back to bed.

But Nathan never has anything on his floor.

I blink in the darkness, my eyes adjusting enough to see the pile of clothes also around my feet.

What…

My attention goes back to the paper.

And the longer I stare at it, the harder my heart beats.

Bending, I reach down and pick it up.

The paper is folded in thirds. Like a letter.

With Nathan's back to me, I angle the paper toward the window, where small amounts of city lights are sneaking through.

The paper is lined, with one frayed edge, like it was torn out of a notebook.

A desk that overlooked the woods behind the house.

My lungs struggle to pull in breaths.

Please, no .

My hands start to shake.

Please. To anyone that might be out there. Please don't let this be what I think it is.

My throat is so tight it's hard to swallow.

Please.

I unfold the paper.

And everything stops.

It's my letter.

The letter.

The one with my biggest secret. My deepest shame.

Why?

Why did you have to find this?

Despair, thick and toxic, fills my soul.

I don't read the words on the page.

I don't have to.

My hand drops to my side, and I look at Nathan sleeping soundly. Feet away.

My Nathan.

The man who stepped back into my life and changed everything.

The grown-up version of the boy who befriended me when no one else did.

I don't know how he found this. Or why he went to my apartment.

But he did find it. And nothing else matters.

I take a step away from the bed.

There's no way I can stay now.

I don't know how he could come back here and crawl into bed with me after reading this.

I don't know what he had to tell himself to make it okay to sleep next to a killer.

But whatever it is, I won't let him live with it.

I take another step.

I want to touch him.

Just once more.

One last time.

But I can't risk waking him.

If he wakes up, he might try to tell me it's okay .

But it's not.

It will never be okay.

Or he might tell me to go.

He might not forgive what I've done. What I've kept from him. And him spooning me in bed… It could've been his goodbye.

Heat builds in my eyes.

Not yet.

Turning away from the man I love, I move through the bathroom into the closet and quietly fill one of my duffel bags with clothes, stuffing the letter into the side pocket.

I can't break down yet.

With my bag over my shoulder, I pause for a moment, just one, to watch Nathan's back rise and fall with breath.

Telling myself this is for the best—that he deserves better than what I can offer—I turn to leave.

I take one step, then something tugs on my pants.

Looking down, I find Charles. His teeth are in the hem of my sleep pants, like he's trying to make me stay.

The last bit of control inside me snaps, and my tears start to fall.

I bend down and lift him into my arms, hugging him tightly.

His body vibrates with a purr, and I press my face into his side.

"I'm going to miss you most of all," I whisper.

Charles nuzzles his face against my shoulder.

I pull back and press a kiss to his forehead. "Keep an eye on him, okay?"

I kiss him once more, then set him on the foot of the bed.

When I reach the bedroom door, I lock the handle before pulling it closed behind me.

I don't want Nathan to wake up alone.