35. Isla

35

ISLA

More lights had gone out. I hummed the tune of O Holy Night as I watched the tea lights flickering in the dark. My eyelids felt so heavy, it was hard to keep them open. I curled my numb fingers into IKE’s shirt, letting out a harsh breath as I started to drift off.

I felt his chapped lips press to my forehead in a reassuring kiss. His arm was still wrapped tightly around my body despite his exhaustion. He refused to let me feel alone for even a single minute, and as the hours ticked down, I was grateful to have him by my side.

“What are you humming?” he asked.

“ O Holy Night. ”

“A Christmas song?”

I nodded against his chest, sighing heavily. I just felt so tired and wanted to go to sleep, but the fear of not waking up kept me from drifting off.

“Sing it to me.”

I didn’t have the energy, but the longing for something real lingered in his voice, overpowering my need for sleep. The words left my lips in a crackle, barely audible even as every word echoed around us. Another light went out, the darkness quickly creeping back in and threatening to swallow us whole.

It was strange how quickly our energy had depleted. Even breathing felt difficult. My muscles ached painfully from the cold, but at least pressed against IKE, it didn’t feel quite so bad.

When the song ended, I looked around at all the decorations we put up in the container. It was beautiful and made our graveyard a little less scary. At least we were surrounded by the feeling of peace.

If a tear could have slipped down my cheek, it would have. There was so much I was going to miss out on, so many things I would never get to do. But I thanked God I didn’t have any kids. At least I wasn’t thinking about missing out on time with them. But Riley…I was pretty sure this would break her. I didn’t want to think about all the things we planned to do together but hadn’t yet gotten to.

“What are you thinking about?” IKE’s voice rumbled.

“Riley.”

“You’ll see her again.”

A hint of laughter left my lips. “You still believe that?”

He didn’t answer this time. There was no point in lying.

“Is there anything you wish you had done?”

“Yeah.” The single word tore through the silence like a razor.

Surprised at the rough admission, I swiveled my head to face him, staring at him questioningly. “What would you have done?”

“I wouldn’t have sat back and watched you from my fucking car.”

His words rattled my brain. I didn’t understand what he was saying. “You watched me?”

Even in the darkness, I could see the truth in his eyes. “Every fucking minute I could. After I beat the hell out of your ex when we first met, I couldn’t stay away. I knew it was fucking wrong, but…I needed to see you.”

I pushed up on my weak hand and searched his eyes for the truth. “You were in the gray car.”

“Guilty.”

“But…you were there the day I moved in.”

“Like I said, I had to see you.”

I didn’t understand. He was watching me the whole time. He was following me around, watching over me. That’s how he was there the day of the explosion in my fridge. “Why?”

“To make sure you were safe.”

“No, I get that, but…why?”

His fingers skimmed across my cheek as he cocked his head at me. “Because I knew that first night I met you that I had to see you again. And when I did—I was never any fucking good for you.”

I swallowed hard, trying to take this all in. He had been following me, watching me. It should feel like an invasion of privacy, but somehow, it wasn’t. Why was it different with him than with Kavanaugh? I didn’t understand, and I wasn’t sure now was the time for a revelation like this.

“But…I thought you hated me.”

A small smirk tilted his lips. “Self-preservation. You were with Kavanaugh. I missed my chance. It was easier to pretend I didn’t want to be around you. It was why I agreed to take you home after the explosion. Do you think it was easy to have you in my house wearing my shirt? I tried to deny it even then.”

“I—I don’t know what to say.”

“There’s nothing to say, Isla. I missed my chance, and now we’re here,” he said, his eyes wandering around the darkness. “Seems a fitting way for me to go, but you…” His eyes slid back to mine and he stared at me intently. “This never should have happened to you. I should have protected you.”

“It wasn’t your job to protect me,” I whispered. “It wasn’t anyone’s.”

Again, a smile touched his lips. The look in his eyes nearly made me melt. “Sweetheart, protecting you isn’t a job. It never was.”

I swallowed down his admission, my eyes drifting to his lips. When he kissed me last, I hadn’t wanted it. I was consumed with guilt by how right it felt. But now…we were going to die. I knew that much. I pressed my hand to his chest and leaned in, but he stopped me, cupping my cheek in his large hand.

“Isla, you have no fucking idea how much I want to kiss you right now. I’ve wanted you for so fucking long, but not like this.”

“What?”

“If we’re going to die, it’ll be with you in my arms. But I will not kiss you just because it could be the last thing we ever do. If we survive this somehow—when I take you in my arms and kiss you, it will be because we both want it. Not because we’re about to die.”

I didn’t want to admit to myself how disappointed I was in his choice. But he was right. If we got out of this alive…

Everything about this was wrong. He admitted this to me as we were about to die? How was that fair? Then again, how was it fair to find out he felt something for me and now it was about to be taken away? I wished he had told me sooner, but I understood why he hadn’t. I was with Kavanaugh. And now I would never know if IKE and I could have had something because we were going to die. I could already feel my body giving out, depleted from lack of water and food. No one was coming. No one knew where we were.

I could be mad about all of this, but I didn’t want my last hours on earth to be filled with anger. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his cheek. “Thank you for telling me.”

“Too little too late,” he huffed.

“Better late than never.”

He tugged me back to him and pressed his lips to my forehead again. “Sing me another song.”

So, as tired as I was, I sang another Christmas song to him, and together we watched the lights go out one by one.