27. Isabelle

27

ISABELLE

Getting out of bed was hard this morning. With every week that passed, I was sure I would wake up and realize this had all been some horrible dream. While I was in the hospital, I was so drugged up that it was easy to ignore the pain in my chest. Ebarardo was gone. He wasn’t on vacation or on a trip to the mainland. The man who had protected me and kept me safe for thirteen years was really gone, and I was going to have to find a way to deal with that.

But how?

No one around here understood. I saw the looks they gave me. Those pitying, sad faces for the poor woman who they assumed was abused. They didn’t know what my life was like with Ebarardo. He took care of me. Was it really too much to ask that I abide by his rules? They were there for a reason.

He had enemies and it was vital that I followed his rules to a T so I didn’t get injured, or worse, used against him. I was his weakness, the woman who, if caught, would be used to torment him. We’d discussed this many times, how if anyone ever took me, he would not be able to get me back. There would be no bargaining for my life because that would show a weakness he couldn’t afford.

I didn’t like it, but I understood it. There was no way he could sacrifice any part of his business for me. He’d built an empire. Being his wife didn’t grant me special privileges.

A knock on the door dragged me away from my thoughts. I didn’t want to interact with anyone today. What was the point when the love of my life was gone? But if I didn’t get out of bed, it would only make things worse for me. The questions would start up again and the worried glances would never end. It was all a show, and I had to play my part if I wanted to keep my mother at a distance.

Striding over to the door, I practiced putting a smile on my face. Despite my wrinkled pajamas and bedhead, I knew I could pull off something convincing. I opened the door with a serene smile that I knew Knight would see through. He was about the only one around here that I didn’t have a chance at fooling.

“Hudson. Good morning.”

His eyes scanned me from head to toe, making me shift uncomfortably under his scrutiny. “It’s after noon.”

I shrugged. “I just felt like having a lazy day. I was reading a book.”

His eyes flicked to the nightstand where I kept the same book I’d been pretending to read for the last month. Since no one came in, I didn’t have to worry about anyone examining my lie too closely.

“Get dressed. We’re going for a walk.”

“Oh, I don’t?—”

He pushed into my room and grabbed the book off the nightstand, holding it in the air. “You’re in the same place you were three weeks ago.”

My jaw dropped open in shock. “How did you?—”

“If you don’t want anyone to know you’re lying, you need to start by not leaving the bookmark in the same spot. And you should change books to make it believable.”

I crossed my arms over my chest, glaring at my brother. “Maybe I’m rereading it.”

“The spine isn’t creased even a little. The pages are pristine. In fact, I would go so far as to say the only time this book was opened was when you slid the bookmark between the pages.”

Dammit, I hadn’t thought of that.

“Get dressed.”

“You can’t order me around,” I said, stomping my foot.

The anger on his face was quickly replaced with calm. “I’m not ordering you around. I would never do that. I just hoped you would go on a walk with me.”

The sincerity in his voice had me instantly giving in. No one was allowed to give me orders but Ebarardo and his guards, and since they weren’t around, I had only to look to my conscience. And I was pretty sure Ebarardo would tell me never to listen to my brother, that he would only poison my mind with lies. But Hudson hadn’t done that once. In fact, he was the only one around here who didn’t try to tell me how wrong I was for loving Ebarardo or that our whole relationship was a lie.

For that reason alone, I nodded and grabbed some clothes out of my drawer while he stepped outside. I quickly dressed, pulling on a sweater and wrapping a scarf around my neck to fight off the chill. I still wasn’t used to the weather being so much cooler, but I couldn’t deny that the change was nice at times. I could imagine I was on vacation in a colder climate, and one day, I would be back on my island.

When I stepped into the hallway, Hudson nodded after giving me a cursory glance. I never felt judged by him or under the microscope. He came, we went someplace around the compound, and then he returned me home.

Granted, this was the first time I’d seen him since he informed me that Rafe was dead. I still didn’t know how to feel about that. I was shocked at the extremes Rafe went to in order to save me. But then I felt like screaming that I didn’t need to be saved. I was happy on that island. And now…now everything was just a mess.

“Ready?” Hudson asked, his eyes lingering just a tad longer than usual on me.

“Yep,” I said cheerily. I didn’t want anything he saw to get back to my mother. Not that he would say anything. He never did.

We walked for a long time without either of us saying a word. It wasn’t until we stepped out into the cold air that I finally opened my mouth. “Did you know Rafe?”

“No, not really.”

I wanted to ask more, but what would be the point? He was in the same position as me. A man he didn’t know had died. And yes, he was our family, but it didn’t feel that way. He was, for all intents and purposes, a stranger.

“So…Kate is a doctor. What do you do?”

He kept his gaze forward as we walked away from the building. “I train the guys around here.”

“What does that mean?”

“I make sure they’re in shape, that they’re prepared for anything.”

Prepared for anything. I wondered if he had trained Rafe, if Rafe would still be alive. But I didn’t dare say that.

“Are you sticking around here?” Hudson asked, surprising me. He never asked about my plans for the future or what that might look like.

“Um…I hadn’t really thought of it. Do you want me to leave?”

His eyes flicked to mine briefly. “You can stay or you can go. It doesn’t really matter.”

“Oh.” I didn’t mean for it to come out sounding so disappointed, but I hadn’t been expecting such a harsh answer.

“Isabelle, what I mean is that this is your life. Yes, I like having you here, but you have to do what makes you happy.”

“That’s a little difficult, considering my life was just fine on the island,” I snapped.

Shit, I hadn’t meant to say that. Now they were going to start with the inquiries again. My depressing mood this morning had made me more snappish, and that would only end badly for me.

“It’s a big change,” he said, continuing to walk. There was no deception in his voice. He was just acknowledging what I felt.

“It is. Everything is so different here. And…” I swallowed hard, wondering if I could actually admit this out loud. But it was Hudson, and he had been so understanding so far. “I miss him,” I whispered, hating that my eyes filled with tears.

I tried so hard to keep my feelings at bay, to not let anyone else know how hard it was for me to just pick up and move on. None of them understood a damn thing about this.

He stopped walking and turned to me, cocking his head to the side. “When you lose someone who’s been a part of your life for so long, it’s hard to pretend that everything is fine and just move on.”

“Yes,” I nodded, a smile gracing my lips.

“Before I came here, I was an assassin.”

I sucked in a breath at the admission. Hudson had never told me anything so personal before, so I waited with bated breath for him to continue. It was funny how it was the fact that he was talking that surprised me and not what he admitted. Maybe that was because of who Ebarardo was.

“I met Kate on a job working with Reed Security, and…she changed my life. If I wanted to be with her, I had to change who I was. But it’s not so easy to walk away from everything you know and start over.”

“How did you do it?” I asked, desperately needing any advice he could give.

“It wasn’t easy. It took many years for me to finally feel like I belonged. And then…” He swallowed hard, looking into the distance. “Kate was taken because of me. So…I retreated. I went back to what I knew. It was easier that way. Except, I didn’t have Kate, and this life I used to have was no longer appealing. I’m not sure when it happened, but all of this…it snuck up on me.”

“What snuck up on you?” I asked, confused.

“Life,” he said, finally looking at me again. “Kids, a wife, a family at Reed Security, a job that—This wasn’t what I had planned. In fact, I really thought I would be dead by now. But when I let myself be this person…it’s so much fucking better. But it took a long fucking time to realize that I deserved it.”

He deserved it because he was strong and capable. I was…nothing. When I left with Ebarardo, I had just graduated college. I couldn’t even remember what I had gone for at this point, or what any of my classes were. Everything was so distant in my memory. There was only Ebarardo, and he was gone now. I was nothing without him, and I didn’t deserve this amazing life that Hudson had built for himself.

But I couldn’t say that. It was one thing to admit to Hudson how much I missed Ebarardo. It was an entirely different thing to tell him I was nothing without my husband. I could already feel the odd looks I would get, the desire for everyone to see me move on. They didn’t understand the hollow feeling in my chest now that he was gone.

“Come on,” Hudson said, grabbing me by the elbow and gently pulling me forward.

At first, I went along with it. It was nice to have someone tell me what to do. But as we grew closer to the gates of Reed Security, an overwhelming feeling of panic took over. “Why are we going to the gates?”

“We’re just stepping outside.”

“What?” I scrambled away from him, terrified of going past the boundaries. Those gates were there for a purpose—to keep me in and others out. No, Ebarardo would definitely not like this. “I don’t think we should do this.”

Oxygen ceased to exist in my body. Black spots filled my vision and my legs turned to jelly as Hudson pulled me forward. Didn’t he see my struggle? Didn’t he realize that I didn’t want to go outside those gates?

“Isabelle, I would never hurt you or put you in danger,” Hudson said, his voice steady as he forced me to look at him. “All we’re doing is taking two steps outside the gates. They won’t close and you can get back in, okay?”

Okay? Like I was supposed to be okay with breaking Ebarardo’s orders? None of this was okay. A small cry slipped through my lips as the doors opened and Hudson pulled me through.

Two steps, that’s all we took. I was past the gate. I was standing outside the borders that were meant to keep me locked up and safe. This panic was going to kill me if I didn’t fight past it. I closed my eyes and drew in a staggered breath. I let the wind breeze over my skin, cooling me and calming the panic growing inside me. Slowly, my fists unclenched, along with the tightness in my chest. I was outside the gates and nothing had happened. I was okay.

“Good?” Hudson asked.

I gave a shaky nod and looked at the road in front of me. I hadn’t looked at a paved road in…how long had it been? Since I was in college. I laughed slightly at the strange feeling that floated in me. I was standing outside my cage and…I was fine.

“This road goes into town,” he said, pointing to the left. “And if you go straight, you’ll head toward Pittsburgh. Have you ever been there?”

I shook my head. I had never been anywhere in my life other than the island and the town I grew up in. “What’s it like?”

He shrugged. “Nothing to write home about. But I’m biased. I like it in the country.”

“I liked my island.”

“What did you like about it?”

“The safety. No one could get to me. There was beauty all around me that I could see from my room. And…there were always guards. I never had to worry about where I needed to be because they would tell me what to do. Out here…I feel lost. It’s too vast.”

It was a bigger cage. Again, not something I could say. He would think I needed help if he knew how much I craved my cage on the island.

“Should we head back?”

I scratched absentmindedly at my wrist, feeling like bugs were crawling over me. “Yes, let’s go back.”

We turned and walked back through the gates and I didn’t look over my shoulder. With every step, the tension in my body fled. We were going back and everything would be fine.

Except, Ebarardo wasn’t here. I brushed away the tear trailing down my cheek before Hudson could see it. The pain of losing him was mine to bear.