Chapter 45

45

Less than an hour later, Kate sat in Burl's tiny office, her exhaustion and stress levels skyrocketing as she tried to maintain a safe distance from Fenn. She focused on watching Bridger land the helo, her eyes glued to the aircraft's every move.

Bridger executed an excellent touchdown just outside the hangar, although Kate noticed he might have been a little too heavy on the starboard ski. She chided herself for being overly picky. Not many people could even fly a helo in perpetual darkness and subzero temperatures. Still, she couldn't help but feel a tiny bit of satisfaction knowing her touch on the stick was just a smidge better.

The brief moment of happiness was short-lived, though. She had to tell the team about her past with Hawk. And about the sabotage.

Their relationships would never be the same. She prayed that they wouldn't see her differently, but in her heart, she knew that wasn't going to happen.

More heartache. More loss.

Tai's voice had crackled over the radio before they left the old station, delivering the disappointing news that the sortie was a bust. There was no sign of Hawk anywhere in the vicinity. And no obvious evidence left behind.

Kate tried not to show her disappointment as Bridger and the guys trudged inside, their faces etched with fatigue and discouragement.

Tai shook his head. "We didn't find anything useful in the old station."

"Not surprising, but it was a hope," Graham sighed, his shoulders slumping.

"Still no communication from Jason," Bridger added, his brow furrowed with concern.

They decided to head to the tavern for a meal before the place closed in an hour. Another short reprieve.

Kate slipped into a seat next to Paige, feeling a wave of relief when Fenn took the seat on her other side. As they waited for their food to arrive, she took a deep, steadying breath.

Now or never.

"What's up?" Paige asked. "Shoulder acting up?"

"I wish," she muttered. "More like something that's eating at me. Has been for a long time." She turned to the rest of the team around the table. "I have something I have to confess."

Her announcement drowned the tired conversation, leaving only the clink of glasses and the scraping of chairs as all eyes turned to her.

Her confession spilled out in fits and starts, her words tripping over each other as if they couldn't escape her lips fast enough. "The last time I saw Hawk—the last mission we ran together—was about a year before I met you guys. We were in the South China Sea…" Her voice faltered.

She swallowed hard, her gaze dropping to the table. "I thought… I thought I'd left him behind. In enemy hands." A shudder ran through her. "I'd believed he was captured. The CO ordered me to evacuate, and I just… I left."

She forced herself to meet every set of eyes around the table. She needed to be certain they heard the worst of it. "I left him to die."

Fenn's hand settled on her shoulder, a gentle, steadying presence.

She lifted her head, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "I abandoned him. Left him there, at the mercy of our enemies. And it's haunted me ever since."

Her shoulders began to shake, the weight of her secret finally breaking free. Tears streamed down her cheeks. She made no move to wipe them away, as if letting them fall was a form of penance.

Fenn's grip tightened on her shoulder, a silent reminder that she wasn't alone. But even as the warmth of his touch seeped into her skin, Kate couldn't shake the cold, hollow feeling that had settled in her chest.

No matter how much time passed, she would never be free of the guilt that clung to her like a second skin. Not even Hawk's horrible betrayal could erase it.

But the simmering fury did help.

She shook her head. "How could I have been so stupid?"

Paige pulled her into a tight embrace, her arms wrapping around her friend's trembling form. "Oh, Kate," she murmured, her voice soft and soothing. "You can't blame yourself for that. You had no way of knowing."

Though the movement sent a shaft of pain through her wounded shoulder, she clung to Paige, her face buried in her friend's shoulder. "I feel like I should have…."

Tai leaned forward, his voice gentle but firm. "Welcome to the real world. No one wants to admit they got taken. Happens to the best of us, though."

Graham nodded, his expression solemn. "Tai's right. Loving someone's not a crime. No one can fault you for that."

"Do you remember BlackOut Squadron? We have literally all done things we're ashamed of. More than once," Fenn added.

She pulled back from Paige's embrace, her eyes red-rimmed and puffy. None of them gave her the blank, distant looks of men sickened by her actions. If anything, they ached for her.

"But what if… what if you all see me differently now? What if you can't trust me anymore, knowing what I did? And how easily I got fooled."

Fenn's hand tightened on her shoulder, his voice unwavering. "Kate, we know who you are. We know your heart. This doesn't change anything."

Mason grunted his agreement. "You're still our Kate. Nothing's gonna change that."

Bridger raised his glass, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "To Kate, the best pilot in the outfit."

As the others raised their glasses in a toast, Kate felt a wave of emotion wash over her. The love and support of her friends, even in the face of her deepest shame, was a balm to her battered soul. Yet, even as the weight of her secret lifted, she couldn't shake the fear that lingered in the depths of her heart. The fear that, despite their assurances, things would never be quite the same again.

Because she had more to confess…

Her heart pounded in her chest as she looked around the table, her gaze settling on each of her friends in turn. This might be the last time they sat around a table together, once she finished.

She drew in a deep breath, steeling herself for the final revelation. "Guys, there's something else."

The others leaned in closer, their expressions a mix of concern and wary curiosity. She swallowed hard, her mouth suddenly dry. "I… I sabotaged the landing gear on our de Havilland. Hawk had left me a threatening message about Loita Bay. I couldn't let you get involved in my old mess, so I figured I'd make sure you all left without me."

A stunned silence fell over the group, their eyes widening in shock. Paige was the first to find her voice. "Kate, you… you did what you had to do. You were protecting us."

Tai nodded, his expression solemn. "We'd have done the same thing in your shoes. You know that."

Graham leaned back in his chair, a wry smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Yeah, except you'd have no idea how to do it," he teased, shooting a glance at Tai.

Tai grinned, the tension in the room easing slightly. "True enough."

Bridger leaned forward, his elbows resting on the table as he fixed her with a steady gaze. The room quieted again, everyone waiting. "That's exactly the kind of thing you would do. Protect your friends at all costs, even if it means leaving yourself shut in the Arctic with an unknown enemy." His tone was calm and sincere, but there was an underlying firmness to his words. "Don't ever do it again," he chided gently, a flicker of concern in his eyes.

Fenn moved his hand from Kate's shoulder, and found Kate's hand beneath the table. He intertwined their fingers, his touch warm and reassuring.

Graham lifted his drink in another toast, his eyes locking with Kate's. "Let me put it another way. It's nothing Tenaya wouldn't have done to protect the people she loves."

Graham comparing her to his own daughter was the highest praise she could imagine. She basked in the love and support of her friends, her found-family, the warmth of their acceptance enveloping her like a comforting blanket.

Yet, even as the weight of her secrets lifted, she couldn't shake the hollow feeling that had settled in her chest. If she hadn't seen through Hawk all those years ago, how could she ever trust herself to make a better choice now?

And how could Fenn possibly still care for her, knowing the truth of her past?

The sound of a plane overhead drew their attention. Kate recognized the deep throb of the props.

Bridger's eyes widened. He met her gaze.

"Military grade," he said, and jumped to his feet. "Transport, most likely. Let's hope it's the good guys."

The team rushed outside. Hampered by her shoulder, Kate trailed behind.

By the time she got out the door, the aircraft was lost in the darkness.

Exposed skin instantly freezing, she squinted at the black horizon. Light bloomed in the distance, faintly yellow at first, then, as the light arced into the sky, the base burned a bright orange, a fireball blooming on the horizon, like a thunderhead building behind a mountain.

The low rumble of the explosion hit a few seconds later, confirming her suspicions.

Fenn's voice cut through the stunned silence, his tone wry. "Well, that's not good."