34. Kali

CHAPTER 34

Kali

“I know Martinez. He’s thorough. He’s already been out here,” Paxton says as the Jeep’s tires struggle to stay on the winding, wet dirt road. I don’t care. I need to see for myself. My concern mounts with each second that she’s not found. He can tell me all day this has nothing to do with me, but after seeing her picture on the way over here, I don’t believe him.

Thick, mousy-brown hair. Pale-blue eyes with a slim build.

She could be my sister.

The possibility that she’s buried and going insane right now is making me go crazy myself. He told me he would go for me, but there was no way he was leaving me home on my own with my thoughts, so here I am.

The Jeep comes to a stop, and my heart does the same as I stare ahead. A single yellow caution tape, long forgotten, whips through the air, clinging to a wooden stake to the right of the hole in the ground.

A ping of relief runs through me. She’s not buried here. There is a chance that she is not buried at all. I’m jumping to the worst-case scenario.

“See, there are fresh tracks. There’s no way they didn’t search this area first,” Paxton says, hopping out.

I glance at the fresh tire marks and nod. He’s right. This is ridiculous.

“Stay here. I’ll just check it out real quick.”

You don’t have to tell me twice.

Been here. Done this. Twice. I was hoping to never come here again.

Paxton’s attention is stuck on the hole for a moment, and I watch him, expecting him to walk back. Instead, he starts cursing up a storm and takes his phone out of his pocket while he paces. My stomach sours, those chips working themselves back up my throat. I picture her body lying at the bottom of the hole. Dead. Paxton’s sympathetic gaze finds mine, and he shakes his head as he talks into the phone. What the hell does that mean?

It’s not what I think?

Don’t come look?

Is it what I think?

What?!

The unanswered questions are killing me, and I can’t wait anymore. I draw in a deep, confident breath and walk over, putting one foot in front of the other, wringing my hands in front of me until I freeze on the spot. Never mind, I can’t do it. Why do I even want to see a dead body?

“She had to see for herself,” Paxton explains into the phone. “Just get here and stop interrogating me. We’ll wait for you.”

Obviously he’s talking with Martinez. He groans with an eye roll as he shoves the phone back into his pocket.

“Is she…” I pause, still at a distance where I’m not able to see the bottom of the hole.

“No.”

My head jerks back in surprise. If she’s not down there, what is? Curiosity takes hold, clouding the fear, and I close the short distance between me and the hole in two long strides.

Bad, bad idea.

My knees buckle as the bastard takes hold of me with his words, twisting and tormenting from the comfort of his own uncaged life. I stare at the bright pink spray paint.

It’s your fault. You’re next. 3x

I point at it, my finger shaking so hard I can’t keep it straight. “Is that saying…she’s missing because of me?” I stutter. What, I found him a new hobby? It takes a few moments for my body to catch up to my thoughts. I curl my fingers into my fists and tap my head with them. “You motherfucker!” I scream at the top of my lungs. The guilt will eat me alive. He knows that.

I’m still his prisoner.

Paxton wraps his arms around me, and I dig my head into his chest. “We’ll get him.”

How can he say that? They haven’t yet. Even he knows that over fifty percent of violent crimes go unsolved. Those odds are not in her favor. Or mine.

Tires grinding over dirt pull our attention to the west. Two black SUVs in a line head in our direction, three local cop cars behind them. The black cars have a nice coat of brown mud halfway up their sides by the time they arrive.

Paxton doesn’t waste any time giving our statements, trying to get me out of here as fast as possible. “I’m taking her home. If you need anything else from us, you know where we’ll be.”

My mind spirals out of control. The darkness pulls on a frayed string in my mind, one that hasn’t mended yet, one that can unravel with just the right tug.

Tingles crawl up my leg.

“You need to stick around. Agent Martinez is on his way. He wants to talk to you both.”

I fight to stay present. Focus on their words.

“Kali.” I hear Paxton, but his voice is muffled.

“Keep digging! I’m down here!” I scream and claw at the air, pleading with him not to leave me.

Except it’s not air.

It’s a wooden box.

A gentle stream of light slips through my closed eyelids before I jerk awake, shooting straight up. Riggs barks from the foot of my bed, gazing at me. My T-shirt clings to my back, drenched in sweat. The door creaks open, and Paxton steps into the room.

“You okay?” he asks.

I rake my fingers through damp hair and free it from its ponytail. “Yeah. I had a horrible nightmare. I dreamed he did it again. Kidnapped someone and then I was back in another box. It felt so real.”

“Kalico. You scared the shit out of me.” He kisses my forehead and pulls me in for a hug.

My brain teeters between my nightmare and reality. How did I scare him?

“There’s someone here to see you. I thought it would be helpful to call her.”

I look at the door and notice Dr. Betty standing just inside the doorway. When I tilt my head at her gentle smile, they share a look of concern.

“Hello, Kali,” she says.

“What’s happening?” I question, pushing the covers off and scooting toward the end of the bed. Why did I wear jeans to bed? No wonder I’m sweating like I’ve been running in one-hundred-degree weather. Wait. What time is it? There’s darkness behind the shades. My eyes dart to the clock. Eleven o’clock. Why is Dr. Betty here this late?

“It wasn’t a dream,” she says, her words blending between my dream and reality.

Considering I’m not in a box, I’m confused.

“There was another kidnapping.”

Flashes of memories ignite, and everything comes rushing back. Driving to the hole, the paint, the fear.

“Being there triggered a flashback,” she explains, taking a seat next to me.

I draw in a ragged breath, the cold sweat chilling my trembling body. “I can’t do this. I can’t do this anymore.” Anger reverberates through my bones.

“Yes, you can,” she insists, wrapping her arm around my shoulder.

My fight-or-flight kicks in, and an intense wave of leaving this place takes root. Putting distance between me and this nightmare is the only thing that makes sense right now. I have money. I can go anywhere. But then there’s Paxton. Except our relationship can’t move forward, not when I’m being held captive by a psychopath.

He will always be my hero.

I raise my eyes to meet Paxton, and the ache in my heart intensifies. “I think I have to leave.”

His brows furrow as he stands taller in a defensive stance, crossing his arms over his chest. “Leave where?”

“Somewhere not in Texas.”

“They’re going to catch this guy,” he argues. “Why leave everything?”

Why leave him , he’s asking, and my heart cracks open.

“He’s tormenting me,” I murmur, standing and walking over to him. I place my hand on his chest. “I thought I could put what happened behind me and move on, but not now.” I shake my head. “Not with what he’s doing.”

“Running won’t stop him.”

“I know that. But I don’t need a front-row seat to it.” My hands clench his shirt, a desperate plea for him to understand. I know what I’m about to ask is fueled by fear, but my breaking heart pushes the words out. “Take some time off. I have plenty of money for both of us. Run away with me.”

He bows his head before locking eyes with me again. “I can’t just up and leave my job. I worked years to get into the K-9 unit. And Riggs—I’d have to give him up. There has to be another answer.” His eyes dart past me to Dr. Betty, pleading for help. She can’t change my mind either. “You’re letting him win,” he asserts.

“I don’t know what to do!” I throw my arms out in frustration. “I’ve tried continuing with my life here. We take one step forward, and he shows up, and we end up taking three steps back.”

“Tell me you don’t love me,” he demands, his words intensifying.

“I do love you.” I bite my lip. That’s why this pain in my chest deepens by the second.

“I’m sure Amy would let you go back to the ranch,” Dr. Betty adds, attempting to untangle the knot of our impasse.

“That’s it. That’s what you should do.” Paxton pleads with his eyes, cupping my face with his hands.

It crossed my mind, but if I keep putting my life on hold because of this bastard, I’ll have more regrets than leaving. I want a life. I just can’t have one here. I shake my head again, and he drops his hands. His expression turns to stone.

“You just told me today that you’d never leave me. Remember?”

That was before. Everything has changed.

He growls in frustration. “If you leave, we’re finished.”

I jerk back in surprise. “Really? You’re giving me an ultimatum right now?”

“You’ve left me twice. I love you and would do anything to keep you safe, but you keep leaving me!” he roars.

I glance at Dr. Betty for help, but she keeps quiet. Of all the times to keep quiet, it has to be now? I clear the emotions from my throat, trying to keep my tone neutral. “You have to understand this from my side.”

“I don’t!” he snaps back and then storms past me out of the bedroom.

Tears roll down my cheek. “Way to back me up,” I mutter to Dr. Betty, falling back on the bed.

“He has a right to be upset. While I understand you feeling the need to put space between you and your captor, his feelings are justifiable as well. He’ll come to an understanding. But it might not be the outcome that you want.”

I sit up. “Am I wrong for ruining this?”

“I can’t answer that.” Her hands, though aged with spots and thinned by time, are loving and warm as she reaches for me. “Sometimes, people need more than love. Only you can answer that. But don’t make a rash decision, Kali. Give it a day to sink in, and then make your decision.”

Tomorrow won’t make this pain go away. The woman’s screams are living in my head. I feel the scratching and kicking in my hands and legs. Distance won’t help this torture, but there’s an irrational hope that if I wasn’t around, he wouldn’t be doing this. Maybe he’ll let her go if he finds out that I’m gone. That he can’t get to me.

He’s doing this show for me, and if I don’t attend, the show’s over.

We walk into the living room, and Paxton’s sitting on the couch, his ball cap lowered over his face. Dr. Betty reaches for my hand and gives it a small squeeze. “Call me and let me know your plans. I’m always here for you.”

I nod. “I will. Thank you for coming.”

Paxton stands, putting his cap back on his head. “Thanks, Dr. Betty.”

She gives him a slight nod and then leaves. The air chills around us, mirroring the icy tension between us.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, tears burning my eyes. The fear and anger that was weighing my emotions down dissipates, and I can’t stop the torrent of tears. “I just can’t breathe. How can you love me? This isn’t me. I don’t even recognize myself.” I throw my arms out. “I’ve never been so flighty in my entire life. I’ve moved three times in the last couple months, college is so overwhelming, I’m not even sure it’s for me, and then on top of all that, there’s him . I just don’t know which way is which anymore. He lets me become comfortable to just show back up and…” I hiccup through the tears. “It feels like he’s wrapping his hands around my neck and squeezing. And now he has a plan. I’m next . I. Can’t. Breathe.” He pulls me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me and squeezing as I cry. My body trembles against his solid frame.

“You’ll be alone, though,” he murmurs into my hair, his earlier harsh tone now softened.

If there’s anything I know in this world, it’s how to be alone.

We stand in each other’s embrace for several minutes in silence. My head spins. Nothing is clear. It’s hard for me to focus on anything except the way I feel in his arms.

“Where will you go?” he finally asks.

I sniff. “I think I’ll drive west.”

“You should have a plan.” He pulls back and looks down. “The FBI can help you. They’ll give you a new identity.”

He’s no longer my boyfriend, he’s Officer Turner.

That sounds horrible and is not at all what I want. “I don’t want a new identity. I just need to find my footing. I’ll just find a place to hole up for a while.”

“That sounds so much better than being with me,” he quips with sad sarcasm.

The naked space between us fills with a storm of emotions. I wrap my arms around my waist, uncertain if I should bite back or just let it go. He’s mad, and I’m scared. There are no winners in this fight.

He lets out a forceful sigh when I say nothing. “I love you, Kalico. I see you. The real you . I see your fear, and I feel it.” He holds his hand to his heart. “I want to be by your side. Help you fight against this psychopath. But I get it. I know I can’t force you to stay.” He runs his hands through his hair. “Is this goodbye forever?” he asks quietly.

“I don’t know. I hope not.” It’s the most honest truth I can give him.

I watch his eyes, the pain in them as they jump from my eyes to the door and back to me. He lets out a strangled breath. “If you need a hero, you know where to find me.” With that, he spins in place and walks out, shutting the door behind him.

Riggs stands at my side and stares up at me, confused.

I rub his head, wiping tears off with my other hand. “Sorry, buddy.” My heart feels like it’s been torn from my chest, leaving a hollow ache.

The front door opens, and Paxton doesn’t make eye contact with me, just calls for Riggs. Riggs goes to him but glances back once before he closes the door again.

And just like that, I’m alone. A lump forms in my throat as I swallow it back, wondering if I have the strength to do this alone. Leaving the only state I’ve ever known. This is what you always wanted, the small voice inside my head reminds me. Not like this. Not having to decide between love and fear.

With fear winning.