32. Paxton

CHAPTER 32

Paxton

Surviving a week without touching Kali has been hell. The past couple days, though, there’s been a shift. This morning, she gave me a hug goodbye, and she let it linger. The entire morning, her smell stayed with me. She wants this as much as I do. I can see it in her eyes. But for now, I’m giving her all the control. She’s in the driver’s seat, still using her brake pedal a little too much. I just have to trust that she knows we belong together.

“It’s that time, huh?” I say to the ten-pound weight nestled in my lap. Riggs, with his dark eyes and furrowed brows, glances up as he keeps his head planted. “You’ll have to move if you want me to get up.”

He perks up and jumps back. Let’s get this done before our meeting.

The scorching late September weather is confused, it thinks it’s July, reaching a beating hundred degrees. He better not take forever to find a spot to piss. At least there’s shade at the park across the street. When we get to the light, I notice a woman sitting alone on a park bench. I tilt my head forward, narrowing my eyes at the familiar face. Dammit to hell. It can’t be. When the crosswalk flashes to go, Riggs stares up at my hesitation. Let’s get this over with . As we draw closer and she comes into a better view, it’s her—older and thinner, but sporting the same contrived smile she wore when anyone was looking.

I groan, not having enough time to get myself ready to deal with her. Riggs looks at me confused when I pause. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Paxxy, that is not a nice way to greet your mom,” she replies, standing. I cringe, her voice triggering a visceral reaction that I haven’t had in a long time. “Come, give me a hug, sugar bear.”

I hate her.

Ten years wasn’t long enough to forget the hell she put me through or what she allowed that bastard to do to me. As she takes a step toward me, I retreat, pacing a few steps to our left so Riggs can find his spot on the grass. “Sorry, he has to piss.” Right on cue, Riggs lifts a leg and does his business.

“You’ve grown into a man,” she says, walking over.

Could it be because I am a man? I draw in a deep breath, hoping there’s a shred of patience in the air that will fill my lungs. I don’t want to be an asshole to the woman who bore me, but every feeling I have about her is her fault.

I exhale, not finding any. “Yep, that’s what time does.”

She huffs. “Stop being so stuffy. Come sit with me for a few minutes.”

“Mom. I have to get back to work.”

“A few minutes,” she repeats with a slight pleading undertone. I nod once in resignation and gesture to the bench. She turns and I follow her until we’re both seated, Riggs settling at my feet. “He’s a handsome guy,” she says, leaning over and scratching his head.

I catch the faint scent of her musky perfume and have to swallow back the revulsion. After all the years, she still wears the same perfume.

Her phone dings, and I glance down and read it. I shouldn’t care, but her unexpected visit has me on edge. Beth, where are you? She grabs it before I can see who it’s from. Probably that asshole who keeps her on a tight chain.

The one I almost killed.

Almost.

I exhale. “You still with Ray?”

“Noooo,” she says with disdain. She should be repulsed by how he treated the two of us. But I doubt I’ll ever hear a sorry out of her. She waves me off. “I haven’t seen him in years.” That surprises me. I was certain that he’d kill her before letting her leave him. He was that much of a bastard he’d do it.

“Are you still living in Oklahoma?”

She bobs her head. “A little here and a little there. I’ve adopted the nomad lifestyle living in a trailer.”

I turn toward her, gripping the leash in my hand. “Are you running from him?” Despite my resentment, she’s here now, and there’s a deep-rooted instinct to protect her if she’s in trouble. It’s who I am at my core.

No thanks to her.

“Sweetie, I’m fine,” she says with a singsong voice, the same one she would use when talking to family and friends about how things were going after my dad passed away.

She wasn’t fine. Anything but. I glance at my watch. I have a meeting in ten minutes, so I need to hurry this along. “Why are you here, then?” I wonder how long she had been waiting out here. Did she know I would come out, or was she sitting here debating about coming into the precinct?

“I’m headed out west. Going to give beach living a try,” she says. “I got a job as a traveling nurse.”

It’s always baffled me how someone without compassion could be a nurse.

I’ve yet to hear how this concerns me. I didn’t care where she was for the last ten years. Why does she think I’ll care about the next ten? Is she wanting money? “Mom. Do you need something from me?”

“No, Paxxy. I just wanted to see if you were doing okay. It’s been so long.”

I bite my tongue to stop myself from reminding her why that was. She rubs Riggs on the head again and then looks over at me. “Are ya married?”

“Nope.”

“Seeing anyone?”

Kali, of course, comes to mind, but I sure as hell don’t want to tell her about her. She’ll taint it somehow, or God forbid, start thinking she’s a mom and ask to meet her.

“Nope,” I say, shaking my head and staring ahead. I’ll be damned if Kali meets her before Grams does. “It’s just me and Riggs.”

I feel her eyes on me for a moment, and then see out of the corner of my eye as she looks forward with a quick hum. Hmm what? “I hope you’re not against love because of what happened to me.”

I jerk my head toward her. “Ain’t that a box of bullshit? You act like you didn’t have a choice. It didn’t happen to you, you let it happen.” She opens her mouth, but I’m not done. “And no, you and your choices have no effect on my love life.” Unlike her, I know who to fight for. I stand up, not wanting to stick around to hear her excuses. “I gotta get back to work. Hope you find some happiness wherever you end up.”

Crossing her legs, she lets out a sigh. “Don’t waste my gift to you.”

I look up at the sky before turning back to her. She’s even more batshit crazy than I remember. “And what gift would that be?”

“Love.”

I blink hard once and then again. My eyebrows raise as a chill runs down my sweaty back. “I’m sorry. What did you say?”

“The ability to love deeply,” she adds when I stand motionless. “My heart is bigger than my head. You got that from me.” She places both hands on her heart.

As if she has one.

For a moment, the thought that she might have something to do with Kali flickers in my mind, but as soon as she spoke again, that thought vanished, replaced with a surge of anger. She is so delusional. Her heart must’ve not been big enough to care about her only kid.

Just the man she was fucking.

I’m at the point of mindlessly nodding, done with her. “Bye, Mom. Nice seeing you,” I say, with zero authenticity. “Good luck on your adventure.” I spin on my heels, and Riggs is right by my side. When we get to the front door of the precinct, I lean over and whisper to Riggs, “If you ever see her again, nip her in the ass.”

He barks once as if understanding, and I laugh. He’s too well-trained.

Unfortunately.