Chapter 18Hell

Chapter 18

Hell

I jerked awake sometime later as the car rolled to a stop. Blinking groggily, I sat up to see we had pulled into the parking lot of an abandoned strip mall. The other car pulled in beside us and everyone started piling out to stretch their legs and scavenge what supplies we could.

"We'll make camp here for the night," Alex announced, his voice rough with fatigue. "Sweep the area, make sure it's clear. Dante, you're on first watch."

Dante nodded curtly, passing a still sleeping Rebel to Wyatt before shouldering his rifle and heading off to secure the perimeter. The rest of us spread out, picking through the ransacked stores for anything useful.

I found myself wandering into a dusty children's clothing store, my feet carrying me to the infant section before I even realized it. Tiny onesies and booties hung limp on the racks, faded and moth-eaten. A lump formed in my throat as I ran my fingers over the soft fabric, imagining Rebel wearing them.

And then another face flashed through my mind - Jessa's baby. The one I'd orphaned today. Sickness churned in my gut and I squeezed my eyes shut against the sudden sting of tears. Goddamn it, I didn't have time for this. Crying over a dead psycho's baby. I was pathetic.

"Hell? You okay?" Wyatt's concerned rumble sounded behind me.

I quickly swiped at my eyes, shoving the tiny onesie back on the rack. "I'm fine," I said gruffly, not turning around. "Just tired."

Wyatt's heavy footsteps approached and then his large, warm hand settled on my shoulder, turning me gently to face him. Rebel was cradled in his other arm, still dead to the world.

"Talk to me, darlin'," he said softly, his blue eyes searching mine. "What's going on in that head of yours?"

I shrugged, trying to play it off. "Nothing. It's stupid."

Wyatt just looked at me, patient and unwavering. He knew me too damn well. With a sigh, I glanced away, focusing on a faded pink teddy bear on a nearby shelf.

"It's just... Jessa. What I did to her. I know she deserved it, I know she was crazy and dangerous, but..." I swallowed hard. "She was still a mother. I took that baby's mom away from her."

Understanding dawned in Wyatt's eyes. He shifted Rebel to his other arm and pulled me into his solid chest. I resisted for a second before slumping against him, breathing in his familiar scent of leather and pine.

"You did what you had to do," he rumbled, his hand rubbing soothing circles on my back. "Jessa made her choice. She tried to

kill you. She forced your hand. That's on her, not you."

I nodded against his chest, knowing he was right but still feeling the weight of it. "I just can't stop thinking about her baby. She's innocent in all this. It's not fair."

"No, it ain't," Wyatt agreed, his voice heavy. "But that baby's got her daddy and a whole community to look after her. She'll be alright. You can't take on that guilt, darlin'. It'll eat you alive."

I sighed, absorbing his words and the steady thrum of his heartbeat under my ear. He was right. I had to let this go. Jessa was gone and dwelling on it wouldn't change a damn thing.

"When did you get so wise, cowboy?" I asked wryly, pulling back to look up at him.

A crooked smile tugged at Wyatt's mouth. "Must be all this clean living."

I snorted, shoving at his chest. "Yeah right. You're as dirty as the rest of us savages."

Wyatt's grin widened and he leaned down to press a kiss to my forehead. "Only for you, sweetheart."

I rolled my eyes but a reluctant smile pulled at my lips. Wyatt always knew how to pull me out of my own head. I glanced down at Rebel, still sleeping peacefully despite our voices.

"We should find some stuff for her while we're here," he suggested.

I nodded, shifting my attention back to scavenging. "Good call. Grab anything that looks usable - clothes, blankets, diapers, formula if we get real lucky."

We joined the others and spread out in the baby section, methodically sorting through the jumbled merchandise. Most of it was too deteriorated to salvage, but we managed to find a few onesies, receiving blankets and cloth diapers that were still in decent shape. No formula or bottles though. Figured.

We moved on to the next store, a dusty pharmacy with most of its shelves already picked clean. But I struck gold in a back corner - three dented tins of powdered baby formula, only a month or two past expiration. I clutched them to my chest like precious treasure.

After a thorough sweep, we regrouped with the others in the parking lot. The sun hung low on the horizon, painting the sky in vivid streaks of orange and red. Like the world was on fire. Some days, it sure as hell felt like it.

"Place is clear," Dante reported. "Couple of zoms trapped in the back of the Big Lots but they ain't going nowhere. Should be secure for the night."

I nodded, relieved. "Good. Let's set up camp here. I'm fucking starving."

We made camp in the hollowed out shell of an old sporting goods store, shoving shelves and debris against the doors and windows to fortify our position. Rebel woke up fussing, her tiny face scrunched and red, and I took her from Wyatt to change her diaper. It was strange, the small measure of normalcy in such a task amidst the chaos and brutality of our lives.

Dante got a small fire going in a metal trash can, the flickering light casting ominous shadows on the crumbling walls. We huddled around it, tearing into cans of soup and beans like the half-feral things we'd become. Ret mixed up a bottle for Rebel and I cradled her against my chest as she ate, her rosebud mouth working greedily at the nipple.

"Do y'all ever miss Bass Pro?" Dante asked suddenly as he reclined back in his camper chair. "It started to feel like home kind of… I don't know."

I thought back to those first days after we met, when we'd holed up in the massive outdoor sports store with three levels of supplies that ended up saving our lives in our fight with the trappers.

I nodded slowly, my eyes on the dancing flames. "Yeah, I do. Felt almost safe for a while there."

Alex grunted in agreement from where he sat cleaning his gun, methodical and focused. "Would have made a good home base, but I still like the ranch more."

A somber silence fell over our little group, each of us lost in memories of those early days. So much had changed since then.

My gaze drifted over each of their faces in the firelight. Dante, strong and steady, our rock in the chaos. Wyatt, wise and kind, a gentle soul in a merciless world. Alex, fierce and brooding, a fallen king fighting his way back to the light. Ret with her massive heart and loyalty. Then there was my girl squad, Missy and Nina. They were my ride or die bitches.

My heart swelled with love so visceral it stole my breath. They were mine and I was theirs, come hell or high water.

"You good, sweetheart?" Wyatt rumbled, his big hand reaching over to squeeze my knee.

I covered his hand with my own, callused fingers weaving together. "Yeah, I'm good. Just thinking how damn lucky I am to have all of you."

Alex looked up, his icy eyes thawing every time they met mine. "We're the lucky ones, I think."

Dante nodded solemnly. "Amen to that, brother," Dante said, raising his can of beans in a toast. "To Hell - the craziest, most badass woman to ever grace this godforsaken earth. May she continue to keep our sorry asses alive."

"Here, here," Wyatt chuckled, tipping his own can towards me.

I rolled my eyes but couldn't suppress my grin. "Y'all are a bunch of sappy fools, you know that?"

"Only for you, baby," Alex smirked, his gaze heated on mine.

Missy made a gagging noise. "Bunch of lovesick idiots. I'm gonna go puke now." But her eyes sparkled with amusement.

Nina swatted at her. "Oh hush, you're just jealous you ain't got four hot ladies worshiping the ground you walk on."

"I think just one is more than enough for me," Missy said with an exaggerated wink. "

Laughter rumbled around the circle, breaking the somber mood.

Rebel let out a soft burp, drawing my attention back down. Her eyelids were drooping, little rosebud mouth slack as sleep pulled at her. I shifted her to my shoulder, patting her back gently.

"Time to put this little miss to bed,"

I murmured, carefully rising from my spot by the fire. "I'll take first watch tonight."

Alex frowned, opening his mouth to protest but I cut him off with a look. "I'm fine. I won't be able to sleep yet anyway. Might as well make myself useful."

He searched my face for a long moment before giving a reluctant nod. "Alright. But wake me in a few hours. You need rest too."

"Yes sir," I said with a mocking salute. Alex just shook his head, a wry smile tugging at his mouth.

I carried Rebel over to where we'd laid out a sleeping bag, carefully tucking her into the warm cocoon. She snuffled softly, burrowing into the soft fabric. My heart lurched behind my ribs. It was terrifying, knowing something so small and fragile would have to someday inherit this world.

With one last gentle stroke of her downy cheek, I forced myself to step away. Grabbing my crossbow, I climbed up onto the check-out counter that offered the best vantage point of our temporary shelter. The others settled in for the night below, bedding down in sleeping bags and blankets scavenged from the sports section.

The store was quiet save for the soft crackle of the dying fire and the even breathing of my sleeping companions. I let my eyes adjust to the darkness, keeping watch through the gaps in our barricaded windows and doorways.

My mind wandered as I kept vigil, the events of the day replaying in an endless loop. Jessa's face, twisted with rage and desperation. The sickening crunch as she hit the horde below. The visceral satisfaction of watching her get torn apart, followed by the gnawing guilt over her orphaned child.

I shook my head, trying to dislodge the dark thoughts. Dwelling on it wouldn't change a damn thing. I had to focus on the here and now, on keeping my people safe.

The hours crept by, the world outside still and silent save for the occasional moan of a distant zombie. My eyes started to feel gritty, exhaustion weighing down my limbs, but I forced myself to stay sharp.

A rustle of fabric drew my attention and I glanced down to see Alex sit up from his bedroll. He ran a hand through his disheveled hair before climbing to his feet and heading towards me. Even sleep rumpled and weary, he moved with the easy grace of a predator.

"You should be sleeping," I chided quietly as he pulled himself up to sit beside me on the counter.

"Could say the same to you," he countered, his shoulder brushing mine. "It's my turn for watch. You need rest."

I sighed, rubbing at my burning eyes. I did need sleep, but I needed to hold him even more. As if he could sense it, he reached for me, pulling me against his hard body. I lifted my legs and wrapped them around his waist, content to let my head fall against his chest, listening to the rhythmic beating of his heart. He stroked my hair softly and kissed the top of my head.

I melted into Alex's solid warmth, my eyes drifting closed as his fingers combed gently through my hair. The steady thump of his heart under my ear was a soothing metronome, lulling my weary mind towards the rest it so desperately craved.

"Sleep, baby," Alex rumbled, his deep voice a comforting vibration against my cheek. "I've got you."

Part of me wanted to resist, to insist I was fine, that I could handle a few more hours. The compulsive need to be strong, to never show weakness, was bone deep. But with Alex's arms around me, his scent and heat enveloping me, I felt safe in a way I so rarely allowed myself.

"Stay with me?" I mumbled, the words slurred with encroaching sleep. "Just until I drift off?"

"Always," he murmured, brushing a kiss against my temple. "I'm not going anywhere."

Cocooned in his embrace, I let myself slip under, trusting him to keep the nightmares at bay. The last thing I felt was the press of his lips against my hair and the whispered words that followed me down into oblivion.

"I love you, Helana. More than my own fucking life."