Chapter 29

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

JENSEN

I t's the final game of preseason, and when I walk into the locker room, all heads turn my way. "What? Do I have something on my face?"

"No, just good of you to join us," Zach drawls.

Zach has always been annoyingly early to each game, and now that Jon has retired, he's definitely stepped it up a gear as captain.

I'd be extra early if I wasn't fucking Kate's brains out half the time. And that's what it's been for the past three weeks.

Eat, sleep, sex, more sex, hockey, repeat.

She's insatiable. The thing is, I'm freaking out that she still hasn't committed to me. I thought that night in the shower was the turning point when she said she'd try, told me I was a good person, and called me JJ. I thought she was letting me in when she asked me to take it slow with her.

But now it feels like more friends with benefits who are going to raise children together.

Fuck. That. Shit.

So I might be late to today's preseason game, but I'm ready to take out anyone who pisses me off, including the opposition.

"You look like you've lost a dollar and then been slapped multiple times." Jessie comes to stand beside me, his arms crossed over his chest.

I say nothing but groan and start suiting up.

"I'll take that as a yes then. Have you asked her to move in?"

I shake my head, my mood getting progressively worse.

"Why not?"

"Because she doesn't love me, okay?!" I snap. My voice is way louder than I want.

"Fucking great, now the entire fucking team knows I'm down bad for a girl that doesn't want me in return," I grumble to Jessie.

"She does." Zach comes up behind me.

"She wants me in some kinda way, yeah," I huff out, not caring what he does or doesn't know about us at this point.

Zach props his skate up on the bench. "You know Luna was scared to make the jump, too, right?"

"This is different. That was logistics and lifestyle. This is about me. This is about her past, but fuck if I can't get her to open up to me fully. It's like two steps forward, one or sometimes several back."

"What about her past?" Jessie cocks a brow.

Shit, I've said too much.

"We've got a game to play," I deflect.

"True that." Zach claps me on the shoulder and makes for the exit, but Jessie lingers behind as I continue to pad up.

"What do you mean her past?" he presses.

I should've known he'd latch onto that and run with it. This guy has been through more shit as a kid than most humans experience in their entire lives. His heart is as big as an ocean, and anyone he can help fix, he's right there.

"I told you; I don't think her parents were good to her. She's damaged, man. She's so fucking beautiful, but she can't see it. She's kept everyone but her closest friends at arm's length. The thing is, I know her heart wants me." I tap my finger against my temple and look him dead in the eyes. "But her head has thirty-six years of shit to wade through."

He nods, and I know he gets it.

"I know I'm it for her. I know I'm the one, and fuck if she isn't the only girl my head, heart, and dick wants. But I'm going backward, man. I'm now firmly a friend with added benefits. But I can't fucking stay away."

"You just need to keep telling her."

Finally full-kitted, I grab my stick and helmet and point to the exit, but not before I've given my best friend one last look. "Even if I wanted to pull back, I couldn't. She is my north. No matter which way she twists, turns, and tries to evade our truth, I'm pointing straight at her. We are meant to be together."

I am playing like total shit. Like a rookie caught in the headlights.

We're three goals down, and every single one has been my fault.

She's there, in the box, looking like a fucking dream, and I can't stop staring.

The game is passing me by with Zach shooting fucking daggers at me, and I know Coach Burrows is going to ream me out at the end of this period.

Like I give a shit.

"Where is your head at, man?" Zach screams at me when a fourth goal hits the back of the net.

I turn away from him and take a deep breath. Our fans are loyal to a fault, but I can sense the frustration and concern building. We've got one more period to prove to them that we're ready for the first game of the season.

"Did you hear me? Where is your head?"

"Not here," I say under my breath, the arena noise drowning me out.

"You're fucking this up!"

I whip around. "Do you think I give an actual fuck?!" I point at my chest. "Right now, I don't give a shit. I don't care."

"You do, man." His voice softens as the ice clears around us.

I laugh sarcastically. "I'll care when the more important things in my life are here. I'll care when I can't feel the palpable pain I know she's feeling. I'll care when the agony stops for me, too."

He drops his shoulders. "You really are in love with her, huh?"

"I've cared for and protected her for two years, but my heart fully fell when she told me she was carrying my children."

His eyes widen. "Wow."

I look around. "Can we not do this on the ice?"

"Yeah, sure." He props his hands on his hips. "Look. Why don't you just tell Burrows you're sick? I'll cover for you. Head home, get your shit together, and come back to an early morning skate on Saturday with a clearer head."

Fuck me, but that sounds like everything I need. "I can't do that to the team."

"You can and you will. I'm making the call."

I purse my lips, hating that I'm about to duck out of a game but knowing I've got no choice. "Alright."

Walking off the ice, Zach strides out in front of me on his way to sort out my mess with Coach Burrows, no doubt.

"Jensen?" My hand is on the locker room door handle when I hear her voice.

"Yeah." I keep my head straight forward, not wanting to look at her. Right now, I'm weak and vulnerable, and this time, I don't want her to see.

"Are you okay?"

Taking in a huge breath, I finally turn her way. She's dressed in black leggings and a long white sweater, and our bump is really starting to show.

Christ is she beautiful .

"Yeah, just sick. Maybe keep your distance for a while," I lie.

"Can we talk?" she says softly, taking one step toward me cautiously. I know she can read that I'm making excuses.

"Not right now, Princess."

"I need to tell you something." Her voice shakes.

Instinct kicks in. "Are the babies okay?" She's nearly sixteen weeks, so we should be out of the danger zone.

"Yeah. It's not about that."

"Okay, that's good," I nod. "But I need to head home."

"Don't close off, please."

"I'm not closing off, Kate. I'm just out of ideas with you. I need to reset and take a minute for myself."

"I'm trying. I know whatever happens, we'll make the best parents; you'll make the best daddy."

Holding up a hand, I drop my eyes to the ground. "Please, Princess. Not now. Not fucking now."

She steps forward again. "I was wrong about you."

"I know. You've told me this, and it's good. We're good."

"I can't bear to think you're hurting."

"Not now," I repeat, pushing the door open.

"When will you be ready to talk?"

My vision blurred, I finally show her my eyes. "When you're ready to admit you're in love with me."

"I feel so much for you."

"Yeah, I know." I grip the handle so fucking tight.

She stands there, this woman with so much strength who has been through so much. For the past two years, all I've seen is a hardened shell, yet today, she looks exhausted. But I can't keep forcing the issue. I can't keep letting myself into her apartment. At some point, you need that person to come to you to show you that she's ready to hold your heart in her hands and keep it safe. To give your feelings validation.

"You're still coming to the mid-pregnancy scan, right?"

How could she even doubt that? Whatever happens between us, she will never be without me by her side, raising our perfect babies.

My stick clatters to the floor, followed by my gloves, as I stride over to her.

Still in my full pads and skates and her in sneakers rather than heels, I tower over her. "You will never need to doubt my devotion to you," I say, placing a hand on her growing bump. "And my family. Hockey is a distant second to you and this pregnancy."

Looking up at me, she brings her palm to my cheek in response.

Fuck, I want to kiss all that doubt and worry right out of her.

"Do you want to see me before then?" Kate asks.

Leaning into her touch, I don't want her to go right now, never mind waiting two weeks for the scan. But I'm at that point where sleeping with her is killing me. Every time I slide inside her, my body is fucking, but my mind is making love.

I place my palm over the back of her hand. "As your Baby Daddy, no. As your boyfriend, absolutely yes. If you need me, I'm there, but the next time I put my hands on you, it has to be as your man."