Chapter 47

Matt warnsme that we have to be extra careful now that Patrice knows about us, and maybe I shouldn't come over so often, but soon after, he seems to throw caution back to the wind. After a few weeks, I've practically moved in with him. I'm at his house more and more, and he doesn't seem to mind one bit.

My routine is that after anatomy lab, I go back to my apartment to shower then go straight to Matt's house. He told me that I don't need to bother with the shower—he barely notices the smell of formaldehyde anymore.

"I've eaten my lunch in that lab," he admits to me. "What really bothers me is the damn body mist you guys always spray on yourselves to cover up the smell."

But as much as I hate to admit it to Heather, I don't feel comfortable not showering after lab, especially if there's going to be sexy time.

Okay, here's my confession: I don't love anatomy lab.

My grades are better, and I sort of know what I'm doing in the lab these days. But the truth is, I don't enjoy it. I still dread anatomy labs and feel relieved when each one has ended.

Somehow, I don't think I'm going to make a great surgeon. Maybe I need to rethink that career choice.

Matt, on the other hand, would have made an incredible surgeon. Not only does he have an encyclopedic knowledge of the human body, he truly loves anatomy and learning about the way the human body works. Even though he's a great professor, it's a loss to the world of surgery that he decided to give up on finishing medical school.

"You never regret not becoming a surgeon?" I ask him one day while lying in bed.

He shrugs. "There are a lot of things a person can do with their life. It's only natural to sometimes wonder what it would have been like if I had chosen another path. But I'm happy with what I do, and that's what matters." He squints at me. "And how about you? Do you ever regret giving up your life to go to medical school?"

I make a face. "I'm not giving up my life."

"Don't be na?ve," he says. "Medicine has already become your life, and you've only just started. Just wait till you've got a pager attached to your belt and you're spending Christmas Eve in the emergency room."

"Sounds like fun," I say with a smile. Not.

"I can see you becoming a great doctor," he says earnestly. "But you have to know why you're here. Why you want to be a doctor. The real reason."

The reason I went to med school is almost too embarrassing to admit. Then again, I trust Matt. I want to be honest with him.

"I didn't want to be like my mother," I say. "She just stayed at home with the kids and never had a career of her own." I sigh. "So you figured me out. I'm just like all those other girls who don't want to end up like their mothers. I guess I figured a surgeon is about as far away from a homemaker as you can get."

Matt laughs. "Rach, trust me: you are in no way like any other girl. None that I've ever met before, anyway."

I rest my head against Matt's shoulder. It's so nice to lie here with him. All those times with those other professors—it feels like some sort of nightmare. Whatever happens between us, I'll never, ever do that again. Now that I know what it's like to be with someone I really like, I can't go back. It's pretty amazing.

"You're quiet all of a sudden," he comments.

"I'm just… happy," I say.

And for the first time in my life, I realize it's true. I didn't even realize how miserable and alone I felt before Matt came into my life. I press my face into his shoulder, and I murmur, "I love you."

I look up at Matt's face and see a change come over him. He looks down at me, and for the first time, he also looks truly happy.

"I love you too, Rachel," he says.

And then something happens that ruins everything.