Chapter Seven

Deacon

Christ. I was so fucked. I definitely shouldn't have said I wanted to eat her up, but it was the truth. Every fiber of my being hummed with the need to have Apple, to claim her as mine in every way that mattered. It wasn't just physical, though God knew that part was overwhelming. It was deeper, carved into the very marrow of my bones.

"I mean it," I continued, my voice hoarse with raw emotion. "I want all of you, Apple. Every single piece. This time, I absolutely will not give you up. No matter what."

Every damn cell in my body screamed for her. The way she looked up at me, those big blue eyes made me feel like some kind of hero instead of the mess I really was. But God, she'd believed in me once, believed in us, and that made all the difference. I knew I had a long way to go before she trusted me again. I deserved her anger.

"We need to talk about this, Deacon." Her voice was rough with emotion. "Really talk. About everything. I'm not referring to your reasons for leaving. I'm talking about you leaving at all." She pushed me away just enough to see my face clearly but allowing me to still cover her delectable body with my own.

I loved our size difference. Always had. When I'd first found out how young she was, I'd had reservations about making her mine, but the longer I was around her, the more I learned how truly gentle and good she was, the more I craved her. If anything, the age and experience disparity sent a thrill through me. I wanted to be the man to corrupt little Apple, though, I had the feeling she'd give me a run for my money if she ever went all in with me.

"Yeah, baby. I know. I know," I grunted before leaning down to kiss her again. I couldn't help it. Any distance between us once I'd started this was completely unacceptable. "Let me take care of you, Apple. I swear I'll never leave you again."

She looked at me. I could see the indecision in her eyes. I also could tell she didn't believe me.

"Don't promise me things you can't deliver on, Deacon." She reached up and brushed my cheek with her cool palm. "I want you, but I don't expect a happily-ever-after."

"Tough. I'm never leaving you again, so you're stuck with me."

She didn't look convinced as she continued to pet my cheek as if for her own comfort. I knew I absorbed her touch like a hungry sponge.

The silence between us stretched, loaded with a million unspoken thoughts and raw emotions. I watched as Apple's eyes flickered with a painful kind of hope, tinged by the shadows of past disappointments. It was clear she was fighting a war within herself, trying to decide whether to guard her heart or surrender to what we both felt pulsating between us like a living thing.

As much as I wanted to believe my own words, to make them solid and real, doubts gnawed at me. Not doubts about Apple or if she was the woman I wanted. I knew unequivocally Apple was the woman I needed in my life. She was the bright spot in my life that made all the ugly bearable. Being without her for more than a year after seeing her nearly every day had me feeling stretched. Thin. Like my sanity was on the very edge. Apple soothed me in ways I had never appreciated. Before .

"I can't think about the future now, Deacon. Not now."

"I'll give you everything," I said, my voice fervent, desperate even. "Anything you want, anything you need from me. I'm always gonna be here, baby. I was wrong to leave you like I did."

"I understand you had things to do for the club. Iron Tzars needs good men like you. I get you were trying to take down a human trafficking ring and I'd never get in the way of your work. What hurt the most was the way you shut me out. It's like you saw me as a child instead of your woman."

"Apple…" I breathed out a sigh and buried my face in her neck. I wanted to deny she was right, but I couldn't. "I thought I knew what was best for you. I just wanted to keep you safe. Even from me."

"You'd never hurt me, Deacon. I know that. And I get you were trying to make sure no one could get to you through me. Not for yourself. But for me."

"Don't kid yourself, baby. I did it for me too. The thought of being the reason someone tried to hurt you was more than I could handle. It made me need to push you away, even at the expense of your own happiness. You're young. I hoped you'd get over me and move on." I frowned. "No. That's not true. The thought of you with another man ain't somethin' I can deal with either."

"What exactly were you hoping to accomplish?" That was my Apple. She was compassionate, intelligent, and no-nonsense when she needed to be. She also knew me well enough to know I was only telling half the truth.

"Christ." I scrubbed a hand over my face as I rolled off her to my back on the bed. I took her with me, though she was sprawled on top of me. "All I could think about was keeping you safe. Makin' sure none of that filth ever touched you."

"You can't control everything, Deacon. It touched me without anything to do with you. Calista and Olivia are my friends. I might not have met them if I hadn't come to be with Lemon." She sighed, then laid her head on my shoulder. Her legs straddled my hips and it was all I could do not to raise my hips to find contact with her sweet cunt. Even if it was through her shorts. "I learned to live without you. Here. In this place. Now, you invaded my hiding place. I pushed my way through losing you once. I'm not doing it again. So, if you're not sure or if you plan on going off to fight a war or take down a small country, or go fight the cartel over their skin trade, I want you to leave. Now. If you don't, I'm not ashamed to pull my sister's rank and get her to kick you out."

"Ain't goin' nowhere ever again unless you're with me. That means I request to patch in with Grim Road, then that's what I do."

She didn't move for a long while. Her head on my shoulder, she snuggled her face against my neck and lay there. In the years I'd spent with Apple in the Iron Tzars MC compound, I'd cuddled with her plenty. Even after I'd left. When I did manage to come home, I spent time with her watching a movie on the couch with her in my arms under a blanket. Sure, my hands had drifted. Hers had too. But even those wonderful touches paled in comparison with how it felt to have Apple in my arms right now.

"I don't know if I trust you with my heart, Deacon. I'm not sure I'll ever get there. But I want to give you my body. At least, for now. I can't promise anything after tonight, though. I just know I'll regret it if I don't take this time with you. After that, we can go about our business and reevaluate our expectations for each other."

"I'll be what you need. From here on out. Ain't never gonna be parted from you again. We're a team."

She raised herself and rested on the arm she braced on my chest. "We'll see. For now, I want to live in the moment." Leaning in to brush her lips over mine, she whispered, "Fuck me, Deacon. I want to know what it's like to have you inside me."

Christ! Her words were a siren's song, calling a helpless mortal to the sea to be devoured. And, Goddamn, if I didn't go willingly. I'd take whatever she offered and beg her for more if it meant I got to stay with her for the rest of my life.

Rolling over so that she was beneath me, I trapped her gaze with mine, intensity flaring between us like a live wire. "You sure about this?" I asked, voice a gravelly rumble, my eyes searching hers for any hint of hesitation. "Much as I want you, I want you to want me too."

Her fingers traced the tattoo on my chest just beneath the collar of my T-shirt, a slight tremor in her touch betraying her nerves. But when she spoke, her voice was steady. "I've never been more sure of anything in my life."

I kissed her then, a kiss that spoke of raw hunger and years of pent-up longing. My hands roamed over her, needing to memorize every curve of her lithe form. I rocked my hips from side to side, settling myself in the cradle of her body.

Her fingers tugged up my shirt to find skin. The second her palms settled on my skin, she let out a contented sigh. Like she'd been waiting to touch me forever and finally got her wish. She'd had her hands on my bare chest before, but nothing like this. She slid her palms from my sides around to my back -- still under my shirt -- only to dig her nails into my flesh. God! It felt so fucking right!

Apple's breath hitched, her nails dragged along my skin, sending shivers down my spine. I deepened the kiss, and our breathing became erratic as the space between us grew charged with electricity. Her legs wrapped around my lower back, pulling me closer, urging me to erase all the empty spaces that had kept us apart for too long.

Kissing Apple was everything. It had always been my most fervent dream, especially when I was away from her, but this time… This was different. This wasn't a woman experimenting with a would-be lover. This was a woman who knew what she wanted and was determined to take it.

Breaking the kiss, I looked into her eyes, dark with desire and something deeper, something like a dare. "Tell me what you want," I whispered against her lips, needing to hear her say it again, needing to make this moment perfect for her as well as making sure it was real and not some kind of hallucination.

Her eyes locked onto mine, fierce and unyielding. "I told you, Deacon. I want you to fuck me. Make it good." I tilted my head at her, knowing there was more she wanted to say but that she was reluctant to say it. She sucked in a deep breath, then let it out. "If this is the only time I get to have you, I want it to be good." She moved one hand to my face, gripping my beard hard. "Show me what I've been missing."

"Tell me, Apple. You been with anyone besides me? Kissed another man?"

She raised an eyebrow, not letting go of me, but loosening her grip on my beard. She stroked her fingers through it almost reverently. Her expression told another story, however. Her eyes flashed with anger and pain. "And if I have? Isn't that what you told me to do? To find a guy I could be happy with?"

I couldn't help the surge of jealousy. Judging by the smirk on her face, she noticed it too. "Apple…"

She shrugged. "That's none of your business."

"So long as you don't do it again." Yeah, that popped out before I could censor myself.

"Oh, really?" Her eyes widened and she raised a disbelieving eyebrow at me. "You telling me you ain't been with another woman? It's been more than four years since we met. You told me before you hadn't been with a woman since we committed to each other. You don't expect me to believe you've not fucked another woman in all that time. Especially after you broke up with me."

"You don't have to believe it, Apple. But I haven't. A man can get off without having pussy."

"So? You got someone to suck you off. Or fucked her ass. Or maybe you found a man?" Again, she shrugged. "Makes no difference to me. We're not committed anymore. Haven't been since you came back to Iron Tzars."

I growled, knowing she was right but unable to keep the jealousy at bay. "Pushing you away was necessary, Apple. And believe what you want. But I've not touched or been touched by anyone in a sexual manner since the last time I kissed you."

"Not sure I believe that, but whatever." She turned away but her legs tightened around my waist, like she wanted me to leave but wasn't fully committed to the idea.

"You don't have to believe me, baby. Just know that it's you for me. Always has been."

"You said I was too young for you."

"I was trying to push you away."

Now, she looked angry. "Why, Deacon? Why not let me make my own decision?"

"Because, I needed you safe and you're too stubborn and loyal to have left when I told you to. Especially after me being gone for so long." I buried my face in her neck again, loving the scent of her. Loving the closeness even if it did feel like there was still an invisible barrier between us now.

"Are you gonna fuck me or not? Because you're really killing the mood now."

I thrust my hips at her, letting the ridge of my cock ride over her clit. I knew I'd hit the right spot because her breath hitched and her eyes widened just a fraction. She shifted beneath me before stilling as if realizing what she'd just done. "Killin' the mood? I don't think so. I think you want me just as much as I want you."

"Don't mean anything." She stuck up her chin, a stubborn gesture if ever I saw one. "I've wanted you to fuck me for a long time. Just this time, I'll know not to let my heart get involved."

Yeah. Challenge accepted.