Chapter Five

Deacon

Yeah. I deserved that slap in the face. I deserved that and way the fuck more than Apple was likely to dish out even if she did want to pretend to be a badass. I knew I'd treated her badly but leaving her alone was the best way to protect her. If it hadn't been for her being shot, I'd have stayed away completely. I wouldn't have caused her more pain, and I wouldn't have lost another piece of my heart to her.

It was easy to tell how difficult this was for her. I'd done my best to act like she didn't matter to me, like I had so many more important things to do than hang out with a girl who was several years my junior, but my entire being was focused completely on Apple.

"You're out of line, Apple."

"And you're an insufferable bastard." She bared her teeth. In that moment, she reminded me more of her sister than ever. It made me wince. Not because I didn't like Lemon or anything, but because I loved my sweet Apple. I was sorely afraid Apple would never be that same soft, caring woman again. Which was completely one hundred percent my fault. "So I guess we both have our fucking issues."

She was right up in my face, giving me a piece of her mind -- well, her face was actually level with my chest, but that was beside the point. She was fire and passion, things I'd never associated with Apple before. She was the peacekeeper, the voice of reason. Not so this version of her. This woman was a force of fucking nature. Just like her sister.

And it turned me the fuck on .

"I think it's time you and I came to an understanding." I grabbed her upper arm and dragged her out of Rocket's office. I wasn't sure where I was going or what I was gonna do with her when I got there, but it took me all of five seconds to realize I'd hit my limit with Apple.

"Let me go, you ape!"

"Not until we settle this between us."

"You're being an asshole!"

"And you're being a fuckin' brat!" I growled the insult at her as I dragged her down the hall. I thought I heard Lemon call out, but all I could really process was the roaring in my ears, the need to get Apple alone and in my arms paramount when I should be pushing her away. Not trying to hold her closer.

I marched down the hall to the room Rocket had given me when I'd first gotten to the compound to check on Apple. With a grunt, I shoved it open and pulled Apple in after me and slammed the door shut.

"Let go of me!" She kicked out, catching my shin. Unfortunately she was wearing flip flops so I knew it had to have hurt her more than me, but she didn't even wince. She did grimace when she tried to twist free of my grasp. It was a stark reminder that she'd recently been shot. And I'd just made her pain worse by dragging her across the clubhouse.

I let her go but stayed between her and the door. Under no circumstances was she getting out of this room before she and I came to an understanding.

"Didn't mean to hurt you, Applejack."

She let out an angry screech and launched herself at me. Her fists pummeled my shoulders and chest, but she didn't try to strike my face again. Which told me more than she likely wanted me to know. Apple didn't really want to hurt me, but she was hurting. Desperately.

"Don't call me that!" she yelled. "You don't get to call me that ever again!"

"I know, Appleja--" I cleared my throat, stopping myself from using my nickname for her. "I know. I'm sorry."

The pain and anger on Apple's face was enough to make my heart ache and my stomach tighten. I'd done this to her. It was my fault. Didn't matter that I'd done it to keep her safe, I'd still hurt her. Diminished that light in her eyes that I'd loved since the first moment I'd seen her. For that, I might never forgive myself.

"Not sorry enough," she snapped. "You think manhandling me is going to solve anything, Deacon?"

I could see the hurt in her eyes, the way her body tensed up readying for a fight or flight response. I hated myself more in that moment than I had since the day I'd sent her fleeing from me. "I didn't think. I just…" I trailed off, unsure of how to explain the torrent of emotions driving me to drag her here like some caveman.

"You think you can force me into submission? Is that it? Any right you had to put your hands on me, for any reason, you threw away when you decided I wasn't enough for you. I left. I got out of your way like I'm sure you wanted."

"I did, Apple. I wanted you to come to Grim Road and your sister. This place is so well-hidden and protected, even the locals don't know where it is." I took a step toward her, but she mirrored my movement, dancing backward to keep distance between us now where she never had before.

Before…

Apple always ran toward me. Never away. Before .

Before I'd left on that mission for Sting. Before I'd infiltrated this fucking trafficking ring. Before I'd broken her heart.

Apple's eyes flashed with a mixture of pain, anger, and something else I couldn't quite pin down. Her chest heaved in deep breaths. Her lips parted as if she was deciding on her next barrage of curses. But then, surprisingly, she went quiet. The silence stretched between us, thick and tense.

"I don't want to fight you, Deacon," she finally said, her voice low and shaking. "But I can't keep doing this… this dance where you pull me close and then push me away as if I mean nothing to you." Her gaze met and held mine. Tears glistened in her bright, blue eyes but refused to well and fall.

"I never said you didn't mean anything to me, Apple." My words came out an anguished whisper because I knew what I'd said to her and the way I'd treated her said exactly that. "You've always been the one bright spot in my life. You mean… everything ." Telling her this was the exact wrong move, but the words were wrenched out of me. I swallowed hard, shaking my head slightly. "I pushed you away to protect you."

"Don't give me that bullshit," she snapped, a fierce scowl on her lovely face. Apple should never look like this. Displeased. Angry. Hurt. She should never have anything other than a happy, contented smile on her face because she was nothing but sweetness and light. Which was exactly why I needed to push her away. "I don't need your protection, Deacon. I never did. I've got my sister and the whole of Iron Tzars and Grim Road to protect me. Both clubs, wherever I want to make my home, will keep me safe. From anything and everything."

Apple's voice was steadier now, a hard edge sharpening her words. "I came here on my own terms. I'm not some damsel you need to save, Deacon. I'm stronger than you think."

I ran a hand through my hair, the weight of our past and present mistakes tangling in every strand. "I know you are," I admitted, my voice hoarse with the emotion clogging my throat. "Stronger than I ever gave you credit for. But that doesn't mean I don't worry about you, that I don't want to make sure you're safe."

"No. You were looking for a way out and now you feel guilty." She gave a derisive snort. "You said for me to move on. Just because I don't want to see you dead doesn't mean I haven't done exactly what you told me to do and found someone else."

Everything inside me rebelled. I clenched my fists, growling and baring my teeth, like some kind of predator angry that another predator was in my territory. "Who?" It was a command. I wanted to know what man had touched her. So I could fucking castrate the bastard.

"None of your business. It ceased to be your business when you came back that last time." She shook her head, frowning up at me as tears now spilled from her eyes down her cheeks.

"It's every bit my fuckin' business." I was back on the edge of my control. I wasn't sure how much more I could take before I completely lost my mind. "You're mine, Apple! No one else's!"

There was silence for several beats. We stared each other down, then she scoffed at me. "Fuck you, Deacon."

The defiance in her voice pierced me with its validity. I had no counter because she was right. It wasn't my business by my own decree. Apple was strong, surrounded by people who would lay down their lives for her. Yet, the selfish part of me that hated letting her go, that despised not being the one to stand by her side and shield her from the world -- protect her, love her -- raged silently within.

Her gaze cooled to an icy calm that contrasted with the fiery defiance of moments ago. "Why did you come here, Deacon? What do you want from me?"

I couldn't answer that. Part of me wanted to believe I came back for noble reasons, to ensure her safety or maybe just to see her face. But deep down, I knew better. It was selfishness, the pure unadulterated need to have her in my sphere once more, even if it was just as a specter in her life. But I knew Apple would never settle for a ghost. She needed a flesh and blood man. Someone to protect her. Someone to cherish and spoil her. As much as I still wanted her, and thought maybe I could be what she needed once I got rid of Martin Calhoun, I knew I didn't deserve to have a second chance with her. Actually, this would probably be a third chance and that was just too much to ask of anyone.

Apple crossed her arms, her posture rigid as the wind gusted through an open window, pulling strands of her blonde hair across her face. "You always think you know what I need," she said, the resentment in her tone palpable. "But you don't, Deacon. You never did. At least not when it mattered."

"What would you have had me do, Apple? Huh?" I wanted to pull my hair out. There was a war going on inside me. One part of me knew I needed to let her go. I'd been right all those months ago. She was way too young for me. Twenty to my thirty. "I knew I was bringing danger to the Iron Tzars' gate."

"They didn't send anyone away, Deacon," she shot back. "If we'd been in that much danger, Sting would have put all the women and children on lockdown, or sent them away. Bones. Salvation's Bane. Black Reign. All of them would have offered to take everyone in. Hell, the Shadow Demons would have taken everyone in and put us in the lap of luxury, pooling all their considerable resources and manpower to get the danger away from us if Sting thought it was warranted." She thumped her chest with her fist. "You saying it was only me who was in danger? Because I won't believe it. No. You made a decision for me, without letting me be part of that decision. I'm not sure how you managed to keep it all from Lemon, but if you brought the same danger here you did to Iron Tzars, then you broke my heart for nothing!" She wailed that last part in an anguished cry.

The truth stung, more than I'd like to admit. She was right. I had made decisions for both of us without her input, thinking I knew best, thinking I was keeping her safe when in reality, I was just pushing her further away. Every choice I'd made, every action I'd taken driven by my desire to protect her had only served to harm her.

I took a slow step toward her. "You're a hundred percent right. I fucked up. I won't lie and tell you Sting was all in with what I did. The fear was that I hadn't hidden my relationship with you well enough. That someone from these cells I'd been trying to infiltrate would come after you to hurt me. I sat next to Borris Illivitch for months before I took down that first group. I looked into his eyes, listened to his depraved tales. When I was finally able to find the next link in the chain, I let him see what I was capable of. I let him live in case I needed him, but that was the biggest mistake of my life. It was what made me push you away from me."

"Still doesn't explain why you're here now. You ran me off from Iron Tzars and one sister. Do you think you can force me away from my twin too?"

"No, Apple. I've not come here for a repeat of our last meeting. Lemon called me after you were shot. I don't know how much she knows, but she told me I was an ass and that you needed me."

"Well, she was wrong. I don't need you. I'll be fine on my own."

"I'm not leavin' you again. Not now. Not ever."

"Oh, come on! You're so fucking arrogant! You think I'll… what? Take you back just like that? We were supposed to have started our life together over two years ago! I'd say you lost the right to ask to see me when you told me you needed some rest before we could hang out."

"Damnit, Apple! I'm not leaving until I know you've healed. You could have died!"

"You think I don't know that? But my actions saved Calista's life so I don't regret them. Now, while I appreciate you coming when my sister called, I don't need you here. I don't want you here."