Chapter 12

Gia and I used to go out drinking but her life is different now. She isn’t able to drink, since she’s pregnant and Domenic doesn’t like her hanging out in bars. I don’t know that I’d say he’s controlling, more protective. He lets her do whatever she wants, with security, of course, but she doesn’t like to cause him stress. And how fun is it to go hang out among drunk people when you have to stay sober? Still, I want to spend time with my bestie before she’s a mom and has to devote all her time to a crying, pooping newborn. When she texted me declaring a pool day, I couldn’t refuse.

Domenic stands watching from inside the French doors as Gia waddles over to me in a black bikini, and a protruding belly which she always has a hand on. The love she has for this baby before they’re even born is heartwarming. The way her husband stares at her like she’s his entire world causes my chest to clench with slight jealousy. I want that. Desperately. I’m happy for her, but I wish I could have something real the way they do. Not a mafia man, of course, but someone that looks at me like I hung the damn moon.

She turns to him, places her hands on her hips, “Dom.”

“Bellissima.”

She giggles with a shake of her head. “Go to work.”

His gaze drops to her belly, and he says, “I’ll be in my office here. I already told you I’m not leaving until the baby is born.”

Turning to me, she rolls her eyes. As he walks away, I assume to his office.

“He’s going to drive me crazy for the next six weeks, Nat. The constant hovering gets to be a little much. Domenic stands around like he’s waiting for some kind of tragedy to happen.”

“Rough life,” I quip as she lowers herself onto a lounge chair.

She lies back with her hands folded over her stomach. “One day, Nat. Whoever you’re meant to be with will find you, and he will know what I do.”

I laugh loudly, “Until he sees Nicole, right? That’s how it happens every single time. If a man has a chance with Nicole, he’s over me in a flash.”

“Look at me,” she says, so I do, turning to her in my chair, “The right man will never look at her because he won’t be able to see anyone other than you.”

Throughout school, whenever I had a boyfriend, Nicole would snatch him away from me. It became more predictable as the years went on. She would sleep with them, and then she was done. It always felt to me like she wasn’t even interested in them. She only wanted to hurt me. And she did. Repeatedly. I have gone on so many first dates recently and then just gotten ghosted and I’ve wondered if she was involved. How could she be? She doesn’t know about the dates. We don’t live together anymore. She’d have to be stalking me, and I don’t think even Nicole would go that far. Clearly, they’re just not that into me. The story of my life.

She raises her eyebrow with a devilish grin. “You know… Dante would give his left arm to go out with you. He’d never give her the time of day. And he wouldn’t ghost you.”

I firmly shake my head, showing a definite ”No. I’m glad you’re happy, but that’s not the life I want. I will never be with Dante.”

Gia tilts her head at me with obvious disapproval. “He is the sweetest out of all four of them.”

I laugh, “And we both know he kills people. Does whatever with drugs. He is a criminal, Gia. I know that doesn’t matter to you, but it does to me.”

Rolling her eyes at me, she asks, “Speaking of evil. How are things with Nicole?”

For years, Giada has tried to convince me to finally rid myself of my sister. Sometimes, we do things we know aren’t good for us. Every week I go to our family dinners that kill me slowly. On top of that, I try to develop a relationship with her. Once a month, I convince her to spend time with me, knowing the very reason she agrees. It’s not because she wants to see her sister. I’m her punching bag. For the mere chance she might decide I’m not as worthless as she constantly says I am, I set myself up for the abuse. It always goes the same. We meet for lunch or dinner; she makes comments about my choice of food, finds some way to remind me I’m not like her, too fat, ugly and that I’ll always be alone. Being around my sister is like pouring salt into an oozing wound. Yet, my need for love and acceptance from my family means I’ll willingly put myself through it time and time again. Do I know that it’s all incredibly toxic for me? Yes. Knowing something is wrong and being able to stop it are two very different things. Old habits die hard.

“The same as they always are.”

My sister is an uncomfortable subject that I’d rather not talk about. Giada doesn’t understand why I haven’t cut her out of my life entirely. She can’t understand why I still have hope that one day Nicole will wake up and realize how terrible she’s been to me.

My best friend looks at me with pain in her eyes. I know her next words before she says them.

“Have you been cutting?”

Giada is the only person in this world that knows about my dirty little secret. She doesn’t understand my way of dealing with the pain. It’s not like I do it every day, I don’t. Sometimes it”s several months between cutting episodes. Some people numb emotional pain with drugs or alcohol. The razor blade is my drug of choice, I suppose.

“No,” I lie, because it’s what she needs to hear. Do I enjoy lying to her? No, of course, I don’t, but she doesn’t need the added stress with her baby due soon. She needs rest and relaxation, not to be overcome with worry about something she can’t change.

“Good,” she smiles at me. “Do you want to help a beached whale off this chair so I can go in the pool?”

Rising to my feet, I stretch out my hand to help her up. She stands on her feet with a grunt. “I want this child out. I’m over this.”

We walk over to the pool and step into the warm water and she sighs audibly, “This is the only time this baby doesn’t kick me relentlessly.”

She has had a difficult pregnancy. The baby moves nonstop, making it hard for her to even sleep. A few months ago, she had to sleep in a chair because every time she lies down; the baby gets rambunctious. This after months of terrible nausea that she hid from everyone, including me. Domenic was the only one that knew she was pregnant until things settled for Damian. He was in a terrible place and his brother worried that sharing their good news would only make things worse for him. Who says a lethal man can’t have a heart?