Chapter 30

Chapter Thirty

Lilliana

It's hopeless.

I hug my knees to my chest, squeezing tighter, and stare blankly at the crackling fire.

We tried every trick up our sleeves to get Derrek. We had it all planned out, and then it just… failed. Spectacularly.

Now there's no way we'll sneak in again. Even Billy said it. We gave away all our tricks in that one shot. Billy's still in place, but that doesn't help much; he's not the ‘start a revolution' type. And if Nielsen can't make Derrek his heir, he plans to kill him.

A tiny voice whispers at the back of my mind, and I don't want to hear it. It's the weakest part of me, the one that likes to dwell on hurts and slights, the one that sometimes has truths to tell that I don't want to believe.

It says I can relate to my mom now more than ever. It's a horrid thought; ever since I found out what she did, understood the destruction she left in her wake and the devastation to her fated mates, how it destroyed them… I swore not to be like her.

Granted, she knew what was happening ahead of time and I never stood a chance, but still—she chose to leave. And that little voice reminds me I enjoyed hating her for it. I enjoyed resenting that she kept all of this hidden from me, deprived me of my inheritance, the life I ought to have had here in Harridan House. It was deeply satisfying to blame her for being selfish and shirking her responsibilities, and sticking all of us in a never-ending battle to survive.

But now, sitting here with three of my fated mates nearby and the genuine possibility that my fourth is lost to me forever…

I really relate to her more than I ever imagined I could.

This pain, this horrendous, festering ache that never goes away or dulls, but keeps growing and pressuring me to fix what's broken?—

I don't know how she lived with it.

And she only stayed with one of her mates; so two of the three were lost to her forever.

And—oh my god , she never even got to claim the one she kept!

How could she? She left before she manifested.

My heart lurches—knowing what I know now, how much my wolf is a part of me I never knew was missing, and my mates the same—I can't imagine how she got through each day without it. But she did; she had me, she worked, together with my dad she kept a roof over my head; and I grew up safe, mostly. We weren't remotely wealthy, but I always had what I needed. I was happy.

But I realize now that even though she acted happy, she must have been miserable.

And that I can understand, too.

Tucking my face down behind my knees, I try to block out the world. Connecting with the guys helped suppress the pain, but it's like a bandaid on a missing limb. It stops the blood flow for a time, but there's too much bleeding to staunch. It oozes out and runs out the side, spreading the stain wider and wider. And you get used to the bleeding, but the fact remains that your limb is still gone.

The rescue attempt pulled that wound wide open again—I was expecting to get my limb back. What would a little more blood hurt? Only I didn't get Derrek, and I returned even more wounded than when I left.

And now I just don't see how that's going to change.

Sitting in my self-made darkness, I listen to the fire crackle and pop. It's comforting, and it's a relief to be alone and just… not okay for once. I love the guys, but their first instinct is to fix—patch up the wound, make me laugh, find a solution.

Sometimes I just need to feel, without pressure to get better. I asked them to leave me alone unless it's an emergency and claimed the library for my sanctuary. And they've done what I asked. There hasn't been a single sign of a person even passing in the hallway, let alone opening the door.

My mind drifts back to my mom, and I wonder if she ever did this. If that was the reason we had so many father-daughter outings. Because he knew she was broken in a way he couldn't fix.

In the way I'm broken, and it doesn't look like I'll be able to fix.

Because I'd rather Derrek end up with another mate than dead. No matter how much that idea hurts, imagining him dead is infinitely worse.

And I want to believe that it could get better. That somewhere within me, perhaps within my wolf, is the power to move on. The strength to overcome and be the leader my pack needs.

But right now I'm just an eighteen-year-old girl with far too much weight on her shoulders and a broken, bleeding heart.

The sky outside turned dark ages ago; the fire burned down to embers, and I haven't moved a muscle. Now that it's dark everywhere, I rest my chin on my knees and savor it. I've made no effort to stoke the fire or flip a light switch. The darkness is safe here, comforting, wrapping me in a cloak of blissful emptiness.

Suddenly, someone interrupts my solitude. The antique doorknob turns squeakily and a slender shaft of golden light shoots across the sitting area, landing on my fuzzy socks. The person hesitates in the doorway, and I have a feeling I know who it is.

"Landon, I'm sorry I'm still not ready. I won't stay here all night, I promise."

"It's not Landon, Lily." The deep voice of my uncle surprises me, but it makes sense; if anyone were to ignore my one request, it would be him.

Annoyance shoots through me, and I glare at the shadow in the sliver of doorway. "Do we have to do this right now? I don't have any fight left to give at the moment."

"I'm not here to give you a hard time. For better or for worse, you decided and went for it. As you should. As I would have done."

That pulls me up short. "I'm sorry. What did you say?"

"Can we talk, just for a few moments? I can leave the lights off, but I would like to throw some more wood on the fire, if that's okay. It's freezing in here."

Drawing in a deep breath, I release it noisily. "Fine, go ahead."

He presses the door open further, allowing in more light, and heads straight for the fireplace. It doesn't take him long to reanimate the blaze; flames lick hungrily up the dry bark and spread quickly across the logs he adds.

Once there's enough light to see by, he closes the door and only hesitates another moment before sitting lightly on the couch beside me. My gaze remains on the fire.

And then he says nothing.

I didn't realize how cold I'd become until the heat from the fire washes over my face, and suddenly I'm racked with shivers. Dom stands and fetches a thick quilt, wrapping it around me wordlessly before reclaiming his seat.

When I finally stop shuddering, he draws in a deep breath.

"Lily, I know this is long overdue, but I came here to apologize to you. I'm sorry for several things, but most particularly for treating you like a child when you've shown everyone again and again what a fantastic adult you are."

My throat tightens, and tears collect in my eyes.

"You don't know a lot about me or your mom when she was here. I know that's mostly my fault; I should have been here telling you everything you could possibly want to know and more. But I'm here now, and I'm ready, if you're willing to listen?"

I turn my face slightly toward him and nod, then resume my previous position.

Now that he's gotten my approval to proceed, he hesitates as if unsure of what to say.

"Well… uh… I guess we should start at the beginning. Your mom was my big sister, and I worshipped her. I mean, I'm sure I was still a bratty little brother plenty of the time, but I always thought she was so smart, and so grown up, and so much cooler than I could ever be.

"And at first I thought it was unfair that she got to be the alpha and not me. What second son in history hasn't felt that kind of slight? But I soon realized that it meant I had a freedom she could never have. And since I didn't have a fated mate, I realized pretty quickly that my options were limitless. I could choose to travel, go to another pack, or even leave before I manifested and be a normal guy anywhere in the world that I felt like being. Bora Bora. Australia. Sweden. There were no expectations placed on me at all.

"And most importantly, I knew my sister was unhappy, and I gloated. Because we grew up and—I know it's stupid now, but remember I was a kid—I knew she was getting all the stuff I'd never have, you know? The house, all the fancy cars, getting to be in charge of everything. When you're a preteen boy, all that stuff sounds like everything you could want in the world.

"So even though everyone else was shocked when she ran away, I wasn't, not really. I always knew her in a way no one else did. I saw her change. Maybe she wasn't trying to fool me, but I caught the way she looked before she plastered on a smile for our parents.

"When everyone was going crazy because she left, trying to figure out where she might have gone, calling everyone, I didn't bother wondering. I just went back to my room and waited, because I already knew."

I sit up in surprise and stare at him. "What do you mean you knew? You knew where she went?"

He leans to his side and pulls out an envelope, crinkled in so many places it's practically soft. The faded script on the top reads: Dominic .

"Go ahead, you deserve to read it." He holds it out to me, and I realize I'm trembling. I dug through everything my parents left behind when they died and I never found a single note; not a will, not even a post-it. She left nothing for me.

Despite my shaking hand, I accept the envelope and slip out the folded pages. These too are so worn the edges feel like an old flannel shirt. My eyes dart to Dom and he nods solemnly, so I lift the papers to catch the firelight.

Dom,

I'm sorry to do this. I know the burden I'm leaving you with, and I wish there was another way.

It'll be hard, but I know our mom and dads will do their best to turn you into a great alpha. And I know you; I wouldn't leave if I didn't believe you'll be amazing.

But there's no other way. If we don't find a way to thwart the curse now, our family, our pack, will never escape it. I refuse to continue cursing my children's children with this terrible fate.

So Julian and I are heading west - please don't follow us. And please don't tell our parents!

I know this is a big secret to keep, but I know you'll keep it for me because I'm going to make you a promise: I'm coming back.

Before you get too excited, it won't be for a loooong while. We've got big plans, and trust me, it's for the good of the pack. Know that always and forever, my heart is in Smoky Falls.

Elliot and Peter refused to come with us. I think they didn't really believe we'd do it. I hope they realize I'm doing this because I love them. Now that they're not going to be alphas, they can have almost normal lives… as normal as it can be in Smoky Falls, anyway.

Since I know this is a lot to take in, I'm going to tell you one part of our plan: We believe that if we have our daughter and she's raised outside of Smoky Falls, she can break the curse.

So, now you know; once we have her, and she's ready to manifest, we're coming home.

I hope the time goes faster than we expect. I hope everyone is happy and safe when we come back. We won't be wolves; I'm not sure if we'd be able to manifest so late, but you never know! Sometimes miracles can happen.

Anyway, I love you, little bro, always. You know I'd never leave you forever, but I'm asking for your patience. For me, and for the future generations of Harridans that could live a life entirely free of this curse.

Always and forever,

Lilliana (aka the COOLEST big sister ever)

Tears are flooding down my cheeks by the time I finish reading. It's strange; it sort of sounded like my mom, but it also sort of sounded like me.

But more importantly, what she said! Her plan all along was to have me, and when I was seventeen, move back here. If they didn't have that accident when I was fourteen, we'd have all come back last year. And she believed I could break the curse… somehow she knew the connection to the Montrose pack was still there. She had to have.

My mind chugs to life, the gears turning. She realized that if I grew up here, in Smoky Falls with Milo, Jared, and Landon, I'd never consider the possibility of another mate. Why would I? I'd grow up hating the Montrose pack for the curse I was bound to inherit; I wouldn't even want to consider it.

Finally, I turn to meet Dom's gaze. "So that whole time you knew why she'd done it. And when I arrived, and you disappeared, you were trying to figure out the connection."

"Yes." He's obviously relieved to get this off his chest. "And your mom didn't exactly disappear entirely. I'd get mail from her occasionally, stuff like a blank postcard from Yosemite, but I knew it was from her. It was her way of letting me know she was still out there, and still thinking of home.

"Not long before we found you, I got a package. It had a note inside from a mail service in Boise. She'd left specific instructions that they were to mail that package on a certain date; she prepaid for the shipping and for the package to be held there. Inside were all of your birth documents. So we'd know you were coming, you see? The package arrived in July, two months before your birthday. I think she left it at that mail service because she didn't want to have all the real, legal documentation on her, just in case something happened, and she was just shipping it back to herself."

Dom smiles sadly, rubbing his hands together like he's searching for something to do. "And I was so excited, you have no idea. Your grandparents passed far too young; I think my mom just felt like she'd done something wrong, failed Lilliana somehow, and the guilt ate away at her. Once she was gone, my dads weren't long after.

"But she was finally coming home, and we would be a family again. I wouldn't be alone anymore, and I didn't dare to hope, but I thought it might be possible that she'd manifest and take over as alpha. I admit, I did my best, but I couldn't live up to her potential, or yours." Giving up, he leans back into the couch and crosses his arms. His entire mood shifts before he continues.

"And then your birthday came and went, and she never showed. We waited—she'd never said she'd be back before your seventeenth birthday, but I just assumed. So I grew more and more concerned with each day that passed.

"Then I saw that news clip; they didn't use a photo of you in the hospital. They had your library card and said they knew it was a false name, but they were hoping someone would recognize you. I didn't have a doubt in my mind that you were my sister's daughter. I mean, it's not hard to see the family resemblance. You looked exactly how I remembered her." He trails off, apparently lost in thought a few moments.

Then, as if remembering where he is, Dom clears his throat and continues. "So, that's basically it. I went out to LA, confirmed it was you, showed them all your legal paperwork to prove I was your next of kin, and the rest you know. Once you manifested and the mantle of alpha transferred to you, I didn't even think; I went straight to Montrose to figure out how you were going to break the curse. Because I knew your mom didn't want you to live with it, and the only thing I could think to do to honor her wishes was to see if I could dig up how much they knew. I'd already exhausted every resource we had, but I wasn't buying that there was nowhere to get an answer."

My mind spins, trying to absorb everything he just told me. "So my mom must have figured out more than you did; she had to have known that I'd break the cure by mating the Montrose alpha. Otherwise, why would she insist on keeping me from growing up here?"

He nods in agreement. "Once we found all of it out, the pieces clicked together. I still can't work out how she knew, but I remember that she and Julian used to disappear—a lot. Always said they were going hiking and planning to camp overnight, but I can't help but wonder if all that time they were going to Montrose. It's the only explanation that makes sense."

"That had to have been it," I agree in a disconnected voice; my brain rapidly spun elsewhere. It seems like the only people who know anything about the curse are the witches. Obviously, one of them helped her, but who?

"So…" Dom slaps his hands on his thighs and shifts awkwardly. "Anyway, that's what I wanted to tell you. I don't know why I didn't tell you before. I don't have a significant reason. Maybe it's because that secret's the last thing she gave me. And I couldn't bring myself to break the last promise I made to her." His voice trails off at the end, a catch alerting me to the genuine emotion behind his story.

"Here." I fold the letter gently and slip it back into the envelope to return this last gift from his sister.

"No, you keep it," he replies, shaking his head. "I know you don't have anything from her. I think, if she knew this was going to happen… she would want you to have it."

"I…" I try to protest again, but he jumps out of his seat like the couch had bitten him. "No, I want you to have it, Lily. I mean it. Anyway, I'd better get downstairs before Roxanne sends Mr. Carson after me. Would you like me to have him bring your dinner up? No one will mind if you sit this one out."

A powerful feeling grows in my toes, expanding through my legs and arms, filling me to the top of my skull. The scorching, blazing need to take action. "Wait."

I take a moment to stretch out my cramped limbs and stand. "We need to have a family meeting."