56. Jessica

NOW

When Jessica opened her eyes, she didn't have the privilege of the foggy confused feeling that people in movies seemed to experience after waking up in a hospital. She knew where she was. She could feel the oxygen tube in her nose, she could smell the antibacterial soap, hear the hum of the medical equipment around her. She also knew that she'd brought it all on herself.

While her surroundings were not a surprise, the person at her bedside was. Phil. He sat on the side of her bed and brushed a piece of hair back off her face. "Hey."

She wasn't sure why she suddenly felt shy, seeing her husband of fifteen years sitting there.

"Phil… what are you doing here?"

"Where else would I be? I came as soon as Alicia called. I would have been here last night if I had known." He smiled sadly. "The nurse told me you'd overdosed on Valium."

"I'm sorry," Jessica said, because really, what else could she say? "You must be… I don't know… shocked."

He scrunched his face up, almost a grimace. "Honestly… I found a bunch of pill bottles at home a few months ago with different people's names on them. I should have said something."

Jessica was taken aback. She'd thought she'd hidden it so well. She was so organized, so efficient, so in control. She'd imagined that everyone—Phil included—would be blindsided to know what had been going on.

"What?"

"I didn't know the extent of it, obviously. But you haven't seemed yourself for a while."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I should have." He focused on the bed rail, running his fingers along it. "I wish I had. I just… I thought you'd get through it—bounce back. You have your ups and downs. My job is to be calm. I know you need that." He shook his head, sighed. "When I found the Valium, I knew I should bring it up. But you seemed stressed out, and I didn't want to upset you. I thought that if I just stayed calm… I don't know. That sounds idiotic." He let go of the bed rail and exhaled heavily.

"Actually, it sounds familiar."

Jessica felt ill. Had she unwittingly created a home environment like the one in which she'd grown up? An environment where you had to assess the lay of the land before you felt safe to speak? An environment where, after a while, you stopped speaking completely?

"I grew up in a house where I was constantly trying to assess if it was safe to say something," she heard herself saying. "Where I held myself responsible for my foster mother's feelings—good and bad. I know it's too much pressure to put on a person. But that's exactly what I did to you."

Jessica thought back to when they'd first worked at the restaurant together. The way he always rushed ahead to clear a table for her if she was busy. The way he stood behind her when a difficult customer complained. The way he was always right there, silently supporting her. She'd been too consumed by her pain to notice how he really felt.

"I'm so sorry." She started to cry. "I'm so, so sorry."

"Shh, it's all right." He reached for a box of tissues and plucked a couple out. "It's all right. Thank you for telling me about the house you grew up in. It makes sense now."

He handed her the tissues and Jessica wiped her eyes and nose. "I can tell you more about it… if you want to know."

"I do," he said, reaching for her hand. "Very much."

The sound of her sisters in the corridor drifted into the room. A moment later, Jessica heard a gasp.

"She's awake!" Alicia cried. "Norah, she's awake!"

Her sisters thundered to her side. Alicia was beaming but Norah's eyes, Jessica noticed were full of tears.

"You scared the shit out of us," Alicia said.

Norah gave Jessica a light punch in the arm. "Idiot."

"Sorry," Jessica said.

Norah nodded, blinking back her tears. "You should be," she said gruffly. But she gave Jessica a quick kiss on the head.

"I should have known it was only a matter of time before you two showed up," Phil said, lending levity and ease to the moment, as usual.

"You mean four of us," Alicia said.

Jessica hitched herself up in bed. She assumed Meera would be with them, which made three. "Four?" she said.

"Meera's just grabbing some coffees. And we brought someone else we thought you'd like to meet."

They stepped apart dramatically to reveal Zara.

Jessica smiled, confused and a little underwhelmed. "I know I've had a drug overdose but I remember that I've met Zara before."

The three of them came further into the room. There was something odd about their expressions.

"What's going on?" Jessica asked.

"Jessica," Alicia said solemnly, "we'd like to introduce Amy."

"I'll leave you girls to it," Phil said.

He was almost at the door when Jessica said, "Wait, Phil. Stay."

She continued to stare at Zara. She didn't completely understand. But at the same time, she did.

Phil hesitated in the doorway. "Are you sure this isn't family stuff?"

"It is," Jessica said. "And you're family."

Phil made no further protest, he just returned to Jessica's bedside.

Jessica looked from Zara to Norah to Alicia.

"Right," she said. "Fill me in."