51. Alicia

NOW

"What's going to happen to Norah?" Alicia asked Meera, when they were finally back in Alicia's bedroom.

It was after midnight by the time Norah and Meera had finished talking. Meera had been reassuring, as she always was, but now that it was just the two of them, Alicia wanted to understand what this really meant for her sister.

"As far as the CCO goes," Meera said, "it will depend on the judge. But given the extenuating circumstances—specifically, the fact that she'd just learned about the bones being found under the foster home in which she'd spent her childhood—I'd hope the judge would be lenient."

"And what about Kevin?"

Alicia seethed even saying his name. She wanted to punch that weasel-ferret man in the face for what he'd done—and felt oddly glad that that was exactly what Norah had done, even if it was what had got her into this mess. More than anything, though, she felt weak with gratitude that Norah had decided to confide in Meera before sending him the goddamn porn video he was requesting.

Norah had been quite matter-of-fact in her reporting of events to Meera, but Alicia knew her well enough to see how rattled she was. Even though Norah was perhaps the most dangerous person Alicia knew, she was also one of the most vulnerable. And no matter how old they were, Alicia would never be able to turn off her instinct to protect her sister. Neither, she knew, would Jessica, she knew.

"Kevin messed with the wrong girl," Meera said evenly. "And we're gonna nail his ass to the wall."

Despite everything, Alicia smiled. "Is that a promise?"

Meera smiled back. "Have I ever let you down?"

"No," Alicia said. "Which makes me feel so much worse."

She sank onto the bed, which she was planning to offer to Meera for the night. It was the least she could do. "I'm so sorry about all of this. You really got more than you bargained for when you came here. Dysfunctional sisters, criminal charges, a run-in with my monster of a former foster mother."

Meera remained standing. "It makes sense," she said thoughtfully.

Alicia wasn't sure what she was referring to. There were so many possibilities. "What makes sense?"

"The fact that kindness, or hearing anyone say nice things to you, would make you cry, after the childhood you had."

Alicia didn't respond.

"When cruelty becomes familiar in your tender, adolescent years, of course you start to become comfortable with it. You believe you deserve it. But you don't."

Now Meera sat down on the bed too. Alicia risked a look at her. It was a mistake. Her brown eyes were too warm, too full of understanding. Tears began to well in Alicia's eyes immediately.

"What I'm telling you is nothing you haven't told a hundred foster kids, Al. And you know what else you tell them? That they will learn to become familiar with kindness if they open their hearts to it."

Alicia looked at the carpet. It was very hard to shrug Meera off when she was speaking the truth. Alicia thought of all the foster kids she'd worked with who'd been unable to process kindness. One of her long-term cases, a teenage boy called Marco, used to punch himself in the face reflexively every time someone gave him a compliment. Marco had done quite well in therapy. The last time she saw him, she'd told him it was good to see him, and he'd grinned in response.

"I know you're not a fan of therapy," Meera said. "But if it helps you to move forward, isn't it worth it? It's going to be pretty hard for us to have a relationship if I can't even say a nice word to you."

Alicia glanced up in surprise. "A… relationship?"

"Yours and mine," Meera clarified. "Our relationship. And all your other relationships, I guess. It can only be a good thing, right?"

Alicia stared at her. Surely, after everything that had happened, she wasn't sticking around? There was only so much a person could take, right?

Alicia opened her mouth to tell Meera this, but her throat clogged with tears. Meera tugged her shoulder, and Alicia fell against her, heaving.

"You are beautiful, Alicia," she said. "Kind. Loving. Smart." She paused, and Alicia felt her smile. "And it has to be said, I fucking love your right breast."

She was still crying when they began kissing, and when Meera started to peel off Alicia's clothes. This time, she cried and cried… but she didn't push Meera away.

Afterward, lying with her head on Meera's shoulder, Alicia felt bone-tired. Yet sleep wouldn't come. It was as if there were a fly in the room: something was buzzing around in her head and she yearned to swat it away.

"What is it?" Meera asked, when Alicia finally sat up.

"It's Jessica." Alicia turned on the lamp. "I'm worried about her. She didn't seem herself tonight. I want to check on her."

Meera patted her leg and smiled. "Go on," she said. "Go check."

Walking into the living room, Alicia bumped into Norah.

"What the hell?" Alicia cried. "What are you doing?"

"Checking on Jessica."

"You too?"

Norah nodded. "She doesn't seem right. She won't be asleep… let's go talk to her."

And so they barged into Jessica's room with the confidence of sisters. But to their surprise, Jessica was asleep. The hallway light illuminated her, curled up on her side, hands clasped in prayer under one ear. Drool shimmered down the side of her face. She was snoring.

"We can talk to her in the morning," Alicia said.

They were about to close the door, when Norah said: "Did she vomit?"

Alicia opened the door again. On second look, she saw that Norah was right. It wasn't drool on her face. It was vomit.

As they crept toward her, Alicia noticed a bottle of pills on the bedside table. She hurried over and seized it. Benzodiazepine.

She flicked on the bedside light. Jessica's lips were blue.

"Call an ambulance!" Alicia shouted at Norah. Turning, she slapped Jessica hard across the face and waited for her to sit up angrily and ask what the fuck they were doing. She didn't. Her eyes remained closed. The snoring sound they'd heard was actually more of a gurgling. "Jesus. Tell them to hurry!"

Jessica was rushed out of the ambulance, straight into Emergency. Even Alicia, who'd traveled in the ambulance with her, hadn't been able to keep up with them, and was stopped at the double doors when she got there.

Meera had followed the ambulance in her car, with Norah in the passenger seat. Now the three of them stood in front of a tired-looking, ponytailed emergency nurse in scrubs and sneakers who was examining the empty bottle of pills.

"Ada Rogers," she said, reading the name on the label aloud. "Any idea who that is?"

Alicia and Norah shook their heads. Alicia had never heard of Ada Rogers.

"Were you aware your sister was abusing benzos?"

They blinked at each other stupidly. The humiliating thing was that they'd always considered themselves so close. Closer even than biological sisters, they'd tell people. They felt each other's feelings before they felt them themselves. It had been a source of pride; a badge of honor.

And yet they hadn't known.

It was true Alicia had thought Jessica was acting strangely. She'd even asked if she was on something—but she hadn't really meant it. Why had she allowed herself to be so easily reassured? Why hadn't she pushed it? Jessica had been unnaturally calm; Alicia should have known something was wrong.

"Are you sure this is the drug your sister took?" the nurse asked.

"No," Alicia said. "But this is what we found at her bedside."

"Was she taking any other substances that you're aware of? Any opioids?"

"I don't think so," Alicia said. She looked at Norah, who shrugged.

"Alcohol?"

"No," they said together.

A gurney came flying through Emergency and they all had to squeeze against the wall to allow it to pass. When it was gone, Norah said, "She's going to be okay, right?"

"It depends on how much she has taken," the nurse said. "An overdose of benzodiazepines is very serious. It can produce severe and prolonged respiratory distress. Her breathing rate wasn't great when she arrived."

Alicia found it hard to hear the words. She was too focused on the nurse's serious expression. She hadn't immediately reassured them. She wasn't smiling and telling her Jessica would be okay. She looked sober. Guarded. It scared the crap out of Alicia.

"But she's not going to die, is she?" Alicia asked.

The nurse's expression didn't change. "We will do everything we can for her. But at this point we can't rule out the possibility that the overdose may be fatal." Now her face softened into something like sympathy. "I would suggest you call any close family members as soon as possible."