45. Jessica

NOW

After Meera and Alicia disappeared into Alicia's room, Jessica decided to retire to her own. It had been a good idea to stay another night, she decided. It wouldn't have been safe for her to drive with all these thoughts spiraling in her head—not to mention the Valium in her system. Sleep would give her some respite for a few hours. Under the circumstances, it was the best Jessica could hope for.

She lay on the scratchy bed linen and closed her eyes, trying to find an aspect of her life that she could focus on without feeling positively ill. There wasn't one. It had happened so quickly—the unravelling of Jessica's carefully structured life. Or had it? Perhaps it had been slowly falling apart for a while.

According to Sonja, the situation was looking pretty dire. A half dozen complaints since yesterday, all about pills going missing from bathroom cabinets and bedside tables, and now Debbie was threatening to go to the police as well as the media. Normally Jessica would have run toward a disaster like this, desperate to get on top of it before it got on top of her. But today she didn't have it in her. If she was honest, today she actually wanted things to implode—and to take her down—so she wouldn't have to deal, to be responsible and hold it all together. Because then she would have peace.

At the edges of her consciousness, Jessica became aware of a hushed, disagreeable conversation taking place outside the cottage. A marital argument, perhaps. She and Phil rarely argued. They were polite—too polite. Maybe they needed to argue more. Connect more.

"What is the matter with you?" an irritated voice said.

Jessica couldn't help but tune in. Even through her fog, someone else's misery was a siren.

"Dirk?" the voice said. "Did you hear me?"

Jessica sat upright. It wasn't just the name Dirk that had caught her attention; it was the person saying it. Miss Fairchild.

She got to her feet and crept across the room to peer through the window.

"What was I supposed to think?" Dirk said. "You lied to me."

"Oh, come on." Miss Fairchild laughed nastily. "Really? You're really saying…"

Jessica didn't hear the rest, because she was already striding out her door and into the living room. It may have been the Valium that stopped her from overthinking, or panicking. Or maybe it was the fact that, even after all these years, Jessica was powerless to resist Miss Fairchild's magnetic pull.

She threw open the cottage door. "What are you doing here?" she demanded.

Dirk and Miss Fairchild turned to face her, clearly startled.

Miss Fairchild recovered first, a warm smile spreading across her face. "Jessica! What a lovely surprise."

"What are you doing here?" Jessica repeated. She didn't return the smile.

Dirk was already walking to his car, replacing his baseball cap on his head.

"Dirk wanted to talk to me," Miss Fairchild said. "We decided to meet here. I didn't know you were staying in this place."

"Why did he want to talk to you?"

Miss Fairchild shrugged, but Jessica saw a flash of irritation cross her face. She lowered her voice. "I think he might have a guilty conscience. Did you know he is a sex offender?"

Jessica nodded. "Our lawyer told us."

"She did?" Miss Fairchild looked surprised. "What else did she tell you?"

"None of your business," Jessica snapped.

It felt wrong, speaking to her former foster mother like that. For a moment, Jessica thought Miss Fairchild might reprimand her. Instead, she smiled. "It hurts to see you so upset with me, Jessica. I know the other girls don't like me. I understand it. They had a terrible childhood and I was the scapegoat." She shook her head sadly. "But it was different with you and me. We were connected."

Jessica raked a hand through her hair, losing her resolve. "We were."

"I've kept an eye on you, you know," Miss Fairchild continued, still smiling. "I couldn't help myself. I've been so proud of your success. You must have heard me, cheering you along."

Jessica stared at her. She felt both appalled and touched by what the woman was saying, and also strangely detached from it, as if it had nothing to do with her. Perhaps it didn't.

"I've been worried about you, too," she went on. "Addiction is common among foster kids. A way to escape the pain of abandonment."

Now Jessica felt herself reattach to reality. Her expression must have given away her shock, because Miss Fairchild put a hand on each of Jessica's shoulders.

"Of course I know about it," she said. "I'm your mother, Jessica, in every way that counts. I know everything about you. I always have."

Jessica stepped back, away from Miss Fairchild's touch.

"Don't do that," Miss Fairchild said, stepping forward. "Let me help you, darling girl. Let me bear some of your load. Shh. It's okay to cry. Let it out."

She reached for Jessica again, and this time Jessica didn't have the strength to back away. Instead, she surged forward into her mother's arms and started to cry. How she wanted her mother.

More than anything, she wanted her mother.