Roman

It had been a mistake to watch her from the dark of the empty apartment across from hers. Lying in my bed, my mind assaulted me with the memory of watching her hand moving between her legs, of her head thrown back, sweet panting in my ear.

If I were there…

Come here, then.

I grabbed my aching cock in my fist and worked myself into a fury, wrecking myself upon her memory, collapsing in a fever after my release, begging for sleep. Sleep didn't come. And she tormented me, still. Perhaps this was the penance for my sins.

It was early. Much too early. The sun was barely peeking up over the horizon, splashing the glass and concrete buildings of Verona with her bloody brush. I threw off the sheets that were sticking to me from my sweat. I showered, dressed and went out walking. I didn't know where I was going. I just knew that one foot in front of the other was the only thing stopping me from going mad.

I found myself sitting in the pews at the back of Waverley Cathedral attached to the graveyard where my mother and brother were buried. Fitting, as it was where I would end up one day. Too soon, I was sure. Everyone attached to me ended up here before their time, torn from this earth in a flurry of bullets and blood.

That's why I needed to stay away from Julianna. I didn't want her to end up here too.

But she was making it so damn difficult. She was just…everywhere. Showing up at my apartment, at Nonna's house, at Fated…asking all the wrong questions, saying all the wrong things, staring at me with hope in her beautiful amber eyes, acting like…acting like she cared about me. Telling me that I was good. Making out like she couldn't believe that I could have killed a man.

Well, I did, Julianna. I shot him in cold blood and stole his life. I chose my life over his. Would knowing that be enough to drive you away? Would spilling this secret finally make you understand that I am not worth saving?

I stared up at the statues of Jesus on the cross. He sacrificed his life for us. I couldn't even sacrifice my lustful desire for a certain detective to keep her safe.

"Roman! Is that you?" a familiar voice called from behind me.

I stood up, spinning, my hand going automatically for the gun hidden at my back. I froze as I spotted the familiar figure dressed in a black button-up shirt and the telltale white collar. Bad Roman. I was about to draw a weapon at a priest in a church.

"Father Laurence." I dropped my hand and smiled. I didn't have to force it. I was genuinely glad to see him. In the eight years since I left Verona for the anonymous freedom of Europe, his fine hair had gathered more silver strands and his kind chestnut eyes seemed wearier than ever before, but otherwise he looked just the same. "It's good to see you again."

"Likewise, my boy." I clapped the older man on the back as he pulled me in for a hug.

Father Laurence had been close friends with my mother since childhood. He had been the one to marry her to my father. He had been the one to bury her.

He pulled back and smiled, his kind brown eyes crinkling at the corners. "Let me look at you." He studied me, clucking softly. "You went away a boy and came back a man." Affection filled his voice. "I barely recognized you." We sat down side by side in one of the pews.

"Well, you look exactly the same."

The Father snorted, such an odd sound to hear from a man of the cloth that it almost made me laugh. "You're just lying to be kind. I've aged much too fast since you left." His face fell. "Verona has become a darker and darker place. It's been more of a struggle to keep the people's hopes afloat."

He didn't have to convince me. I could see how far my father's twisted roots had dug into the community.

He placed his hand on my shoulder, his face growing solemn. "I'm sorry about Jacob. It was…a senseless tragedy."

It still felt like someone had closed a fist around my throat when I thought of Jacob. I still held on to the memories of him when we had been kids, when he still acted like my brother. I still loved that Jacob. Sometimes I wondered if I could have saved him from himself. Maybe I should have stayed and tried. Would I have made a difference? I doubted it. I couldn't save myself.

I swallowed down the knot in my throat. "Thank you, Father. He will be missed." My voice sounded hollow, even to me.

"I saw you at the back of the service at his funeral, sneaking into the church after everyone was seated," Father Laurence said softly. "You didn't stick around afterwards for the wake."

"I had to run off." That wasn't exactly a lie.

He nodded slowly. "I hear your father has convinced you to stay in Verona."

"That's one way to put it."

Father Laurence frowned. "But you're not happy to be back."

"Would you be happy if you were me?" I asked, my voice a bitter note. "It's only a matter of time before…" I trailed off.

He slipped his hand on my shoulder and squeezed. The single touch gave me more comfort than I'd ever gotten from my father. I wondered what my life would have been like if my mother had chosen someone like Father Laurence as a husband.

After my mother married my father, Father Laurence joined the priesthood. They said he did that because he loved my mother; he would never love anyone else. Despite the rumors, my mother and Father Laurence had remained close. I had always dismissed the stories as just that. But sometimes I wondered how close they had been… Or perhaps it was easier to believe that I might not have Tyrell blood in my veins.

Father Laurence gave me a weighted stare. "Nothing is inevitable. We all have a choice, Roman."

Some people did. Not me.

"I don't know how to say no to him."

Father Laurence sighed. "Giovanni Tyrell is a difficult man. He's gotten worse since your mother, God rest her soul, passed away."

I didn't even have the energy to nod.

He studied me, frowning. It felt like he was looking right into me. He always could. That's why he was the one I turned to for advice. "That's not the only thing on your mind, is it?"

I leaned forward and ran my hands roughly through my hair. "There's a woman."

Father Laurence, unlike most people, knew when to be silent. He was silent for long enough that I began to fill in the noiselessness with the things that were clattering around in my head.

"I can't stop thinking about her. When I'm awake, I crave her. At night, I dream about her. I need her. Want her. How do I make it stop?"

"We all have desires, Roman," he said slowly. "There's nothing wrong with that."

Coming from a man who was strong enough to control his worldly desires. I, on the other hand… "This is different. She is different. She's…" I laughed when I realized I could never put her perfection into words. I could try. "She is so good that… No, she is goodness. She has so much goodness in her that she sees it in everyone else." She saw it…in me.Of all the tainted, stained, wretched creatures on the planet, she saw something good in me.

Realization flooded his eyes. "You love her."

"No!" I swore out loud, my voice echoing around the inside the church, but the Father didn't admonish me. "I just don't want her getting caught up in my shitty life." This was all I would admit to him. To myself. "She is not someone I should want."

The Father frowned. "Why?"

So many reasons. "She's the daughter of my enemy. We are on opposite sides of the law. She hates me. I hate…" I swallowed down the knot in my throat. "I am supposed to hate her."

Father Laurence sucked in a breath, a sudden look of realization crossing his face. "Julianna Cap?—"

"Don't. Don't say her name." Hearing her name stabbed like a knife. I rubbed my face with my hands. How the fuck did I get into this mess? How the fuck did I get out?

"You don't think you deserve her." It wasn't a question.

I let out a curt laugh. "I don't deserve her. She's doesn't deserve to be poisoned by me or my family. The best thing I could do for her is to leave her alone. But…I don't think I can. I don't think I want to."

"Does she know how you feel?"

I shuddered. The only reason I'd been able to hold on to my own leash is because of the hatred I saw in her eyes when I insulted her or rejected her, even though it tore me to pieces to do it. I only wished I could take all the hurt I caused her for myself. "I can't tell her. She can never know." I snapped my face towards Father Laurence. "You won't tell her either. You won't breathe a word to her."

Father Laurence was unaffected by the look I gave him. He made me feel like a puppy pretending to be a wolf. He was one man who truly wasn't afraid of me. "Of course I won't."

I let myself relax. He was also one man I truly trusted.

"You know," the Father continued, "she could be good for you."

I almost choked on my own tongue. "I'd be the end of her. Don't you remember who my family is? I'm a danger to her just by wanting her, just by thinking about her, by breathing her name out loud."

"She also has a say in this."

I shook my head and made a noise of disgust in my throat. "How selfish am I that I could consider ruining her just so I could have her?" I wanted to possess her. To own her. Even if it meant I would end her life with my darkness. I wanted to soak myself into her soul, so deep she'd never get me out. I was this close to letting myself do it. Wasn't this proof enough that I was evil?

Father Laurence placed his hand upon my shoulder. "What if it wasn't you who darkened her life, but she who lightened yours?"

She could. Her light was strong enough to save cities from themselves. The Princess of Light.

I shrugged his hand off me and let out a humorless laugh. "Let's face it, Father. I'm not worth saving."