Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Rylee

Damn it, I’m so screwed up.

I mean since I performed.

All of the fear is back. I mean that fear I felt with my so-called band. I mean the sickening feeling of helplessness as the days passed by and things got drunker and crazier. I think about how often the guys tried to sleep with me and the girls as well. I think about how I knew it was just a matter of time before they would stop taking no for an answer.

And then escape.

And more fear.

I think about those men who chased me, men who most definitely wouldn’t take no for an answer. The men weren’t even going to bother asking for an answer. All because I followed this silly, stupid-ass dream of being a singer. This dumb idea of fame and fortune. I actually thought I could get secure and then pursue my dream in a wiser, better way.

And instead, I was almost… I still don’t want to use the word. You know what it is. That almost happened with a bunch of men and then afterward, they would probably have killed me. All because of this stubborn bullshit idea that my talent entitles me to success. The world is filled with talented people who don’t make it.

No.

How in the world can I do this? How can I put myself in that situation again? Just how many miracles is a girl entitled to? Like the next time I get myself in trouble. It’s not like I get to shout, “Hey, Panther!” and he’ll show up again like some deus ex machina to fix all of my problems. Hell, most people don’t even get one deus ex machina in their lives.

Wait. Am I using that correctly? It means like an act of God that fixes things. From Ancient Greek plays. The god machines. I think that’s it. In the play, a god or goddess would be lowered onto stage by a crane or, I guess, whatever Ancient Greeks used for a crane. And that god or goddess would just resolve everything happening in the play.The god shows up and punishes the people who are wrong and rewards the ones who are right or whatever.

That’s my panther. That’s what he did for me, even though I’m thinking it’s dios ex machina maybe. Or it could be dio ex machina. I’m sure about the ex machina part. Anyway, forget about the vocabulary lesson. The point is still that this panther showed up and took care of everything. Most people never get anything like that even once.

How can I possibly try to be a rock star again?

Damn it, I want to sing so badly.

Those are the thoughts running through my head right now. I’m at the bar, and I’ve once again refused Vic’s attempt to get me to accept a promotion. He wants me to sing four nights a week. I just can’t. I really want to but I can’t.

Look, I know this is foolish. I understand that. I know that if I sing at the bar, I’m not going to step out of my hotel room and find myself surrounded by a bunch of villains. I don’t need anyone to tell me how foolish I’m being.

But I also don’t need anyone to tell me that I’m not allowed to be afraid!

And Erik… damn it, I see the hurt and confusion in his face. Every time he tries to help me, he gets smacked down. I can’t believe he’s sticking around. Yeah, okay, he gets sex from me but that’s not enough of a reason. A guy like Erik can have any woman. I mean, he’s a firefighter with a perfect body. He sticks with me even though I’m fucking crazy.

Crazy is definitely beginning to feel like the new norm for me. I’ve tried so hard to do something with my life, but crazy just follows me around like a puppy. I mean, what kind of crazy bad luck is it that I should end up with a bunch of assholes for bandmates, and then, just when I’m trying to get away from them, I have the encounter I had with those guys and…

Going in circles.

Well, I’m just going to play it safe from now on.

Erik is here, like always. That should help me feel safe. But he’s not around twenty-four hours a day. In fact, he has to spend whole days sleeping at the firehouse. I just wish we could be together all the time, but then how would I grow?

Damn it! I just wish there were easy answers to everything. I wish I felt free to say yes to Vic’s invitation to perform. I wish I could let Erik in a bit more.If wishes were lollipops, then… Damn it, I don’t know that saying. I can’t remember. The point is wishes just don’t matter.

My shift ends and Erik walks me out like always, but there’s a tension between us that makes me feel miserable, but also kind of angry. Why can’t he understand that I’m just not ready to pursue singing like that right now?

“So, I took your band stuff to my house. Stored it in my garage.” He doesn’t look at me, but he gives my hand a squeeze. “If you change your mind.”

I stop walking and yank my hand away from him. “I’m not going to change my mind, Erik.”

We’ve crossed the street and now, we’re in the hotel parking lot. Erik takes my hand again and walks me to a little grass area behind the rooms. Then, he stops. “Tell me why.”

“What?”

“Tell me why you don’t want to sing anymore. Why don’t you want to pursue your dream anymore?”

I see red at this point. I feel hounded. My God, he just won’t let it drop! “Fine, I’ll tell you why. Because everyone I’ve met while pursuing my dream has been a fucking scary asshole! And running into those guys that night? Well, they could’ve killed me. I could’ve died that night, Erik!”

“But you didn’t.”

“Yeah, I didn’t because a giant fucking panther showed up and saved my fucking life! How many times do you think that’s going to happen? Huh? You think I’m just going to be able to send out the Panther signal and it’s going to show up any time I’m in danger?!”

I realize I’m getting loud now, but I don’t care. I feel all my fear from that night and all my anxiety and depression from weeks with the band hit me full force. I start to cry, but I can’t stop any of it.

Erik shakes his head and pulls me into a hug. “Is that all that’s keeping you from singing?”

He kisses the top of my head and then steps back. “A giant panther,” I whisper. “Damn, you must think I’m crazy. The day before I met you, there was…”

He is undressing. “What are you…” I panic. “Erik, what the fuck are you doing? You’re going to get me in trouble. Or kicked out of this place!”

“Just trust me.” He gives me a small smile as he takes off his pants and boxers.

He’s fully nude for a brief moment and then, he blurs. My eyes can’t seem to focus on him properly.

It’s just a brief moment and then, the panther is there.

My panther.

It’s my panther!

Erik is my panther?

Erik is…

Erik is my panther!