Chapter 1

Chapter One

Rylee

What am I doing here?

What the actual hell am I doing here?

I can’t think, and I can’t breathe and I can’t… damn it, I just can’t.

What the heck happened to my life?

I can feel my heart beating rapidly. I can feel the walls closing in on me. I can feel… Darn it all, I can feel everything exploding around me. The worst possible situation there ever was or ever will be. Is the floor shaking right now? It could be, right? I’m in California. California has earthquakes, right? It could be that. No. No, earthquakes don’t make rooms spin, though. Shake, sure. Spin, no. Right?

Dang it, I know it’s not an earthquake.

It’s a stupid panic attack.

I need to get out. I stand up and almost knock over the beer I’ve been pretending to drink. I walk around Darla and Jack. I think they’re going to screw right there on the floor in front of everyone. She’s already topless and she gave him a blowjob I tried not to see when we were in the car before. Carl says, “Where you goin?”

“Um…just going to the place on the corner.” I have no intention of going there until I say that. I just need to go.

“Oh cool, get me some vodka.” Carl is already high on some sort of powder and he’s already put away a lot of cheap bourbon so I don’t know why he wants vodka. It doesn’t matter. Everyone here is always drunk or high. Everyone here is always screwing, too. Three girls and five guys.

And me.

And I’m really at the end of being able to keep from participating. Every day one of the guys tries. Tanya, too. She wants to have sex with me, too, and she really doesn’t care if I’m into girls or not. Damn it all, I was supposed to be famous. We’re supposed to be trying to get gigs and trying… Damn it all, we’re not even rehearsing.

Sorry. I should have said, “Darn it all.” Not trying to be vulgar.

These guys are just a bunch of groupies who decided to make a band.They’re in it for the sex and drugs but not the rock and roll.

And… And I’m just stupid enough to be here six states from home with almost all my money gone and nothing but my voice.My voice which isn’t being used to make music.

And rising panic.

I run the rest of the way to the door, squeak, “Be right back!” and rush out.

I almost fall off the balcony. I run right into the railing and since it only comes to my waist, I actually lean forward and have to work to keep from ending up splat on the sidewalk below. Okay, it’s only the second floor so maybe not splat but still, not fun.

I won’t be right back. I won’t… I can’t think. I can’t breathe. I can’t…

I force myself to use the railing for support so I can walk to the stairs. Then, I force myself to take the steps, one after the other, until I’m on the sidewalk. I walk, almost running, but as I feel space seeming to flood around me, the reverse of the walls closing in on me, I start to breathe again and I slow down.

I need to get out of this situation.

I need to get the hell away from this situation but how? I mean, I don’t have anywhere to go. I’m twenty-two years old. It’s not like I have a ton of life experience. I could (and dang, I don’t want to) call my parents but that will be admitting that I’m an idiot for following my dream of being in the music industry. I definitely don’t want to do that.

But what else am I supposed to do?

I have nowhere to go, no one I can call. Sure, like I said, I could call my parents and admit my dream has died but I’m just not ready for that yet. At least, I don’t think so.

I think about what I was like when this whole adventure—Is that what I should call this sorry ass excursion into adulthood? Anyway, when things were first getting rolling, I believed in our band. I really thought we had a chance to get somewhere. After all, there was some talent there.

But most of the small nest egg I’d come to the city with was spent within a week, buying equipment for the group. This equipment has long since been pawned to pay for the barest of essentials, but it’s not like we have any gigs lined up. I mean, how do you expect us to play when everyone is constantly fucked up?

These are the thoughts that worm through my mind as I head out on foot because, of course, I don’t have a car. Hell, I don’t even have a bike. We’re in a pretty rundown area of the city and I know it’s not very safe to go wandering around. Yeah. But it feels a lot better than just sitting there watching those losers suck the life out of each other and me.

Yes, I can admit my judgement has been very bad. I can see that I need some help. Darn it, I’m just going in circles.What the fuck was I thinking? I was a sheltered only child that thought she was going to reach stardom where so many others have failed. Fuck! How absolutely pathetic.

Even my fucking guitar has been pawned. And that really hurts because it was my dad who gave it to me.

Fuck!

Holy moly, I keep cursing!

I’ve wandered a bit further than I’d planned. I look up and see a liquor store up ahead. There’s a group of punks that look even younger than me. Two of the guys, though, look older and way more dangerous.

I cross the street and try to avoid eye contact with them. I hug my arms around my chest and try to appear smaller and inoffensive. And I pray. I pray that they will turn their attention to something or someone more worth their while.

Oh fuck, they’re coming after me.

I see one of the two guys that seem to be in charge start to cross the street. After a bit, the others follow.

And now the catcalling begins.

“Hey beautiful, slow down, come spend some time with us.”

“What’s the rush, darlin? You don’t need to run away from us, mami.”

“Ooohh, I bet she’s got a beautiful ...”

I cross a street and start to run. I don’t hear the end of the comment, but I obviously don’t need to. My heart hits a speed that makes it feel like it’s going to jump right out of my chest. I’m panting as I run even faster. I turn my head for a second and fear almost paralyzes me. They’re only a few yards away from me.

I run past some business windows, a computer place, a pawn shop, and a laundromat. I briefly see a guy’s startled face as I book it past, but my mind is so frozen with fear that I don’t even think about hiding inside any of these. All I know is to run and keep running.

I see two of the gang move out and around, trying to cut me off. I see an alley to my right and, even though it never works in the movies, I turn down it and run.

Of course, I run into a dead end. There are some doors and I start trying every one of them.

But the guys round the corner and I start crying.

“Uh oh, poor baby. We’re going to make you all better, you fucking little cunt.”

There’s laughter and I can only crumple against the brick wall as they close in on me. I close my eyes and try to think of something beautiful. I want my last thoughts to be comforting.

They’re just about to grab me when there’s a loud crash and then, I feel a warm body pressing against me. It doesn’t feel like some asshole gangster, so I open my eyes and gasp.

What the fuck is this? What the fuck am I seeing?

Sorry but in this case, it’s okay for me to curse.

I can only describe it as a super-sized leopard. Cougar? Lion maybe? No, panther. It’s one of those I’m sure, but it’s much bigger than anything I’ve ever seen in a zoo. I can’t tell it’s color in the darkness. It can be anywhere from dun colored to jet black. I just can’t tell.

Its muscled body is poised to jump. I hear the fear and confusion in my attackers’ voices and then, the panther lunges forward and takes two of them down with one swipe of its massive paw. I hear yelling and then, the rejects start to scatter in all directions, including going right into the fucking wall.

It only takes a few minutes for the alley to be cleared.

My heart is beating so fast.

My breathing is shallow even though I’m almost hyperventilating.

My field of vision narrows.

My vision spins as I try to run before this thing turns on me next.

And then it does turn, and the blood rapidly rushes to my head. Just as rapidly, it drains away. My equilibrium becomes loopy. I stare into the large golden eyes of this black panther—yes, I can see that now because it stands in the glow of a streetlamp, a black panther like in The Jungle Book but bigger—and I see its large teeth in its open mouth.

And like all good heroines, I promptly faint.