CHAPTER NINE

MCKINLEY

This tour is apparently one party after another and, for some reason, I have no choice but to go. I’d rather curl up with a good book and call it a night. After changing my clothes three times, Erik comes into the bedroom with a scowl on his face.

“That’s what you’re wearing?”

I look down at my black jeans and matching t-shirt, and glance at him with regret.

“What do you want me to wear?”

He steps closer to me and pulls his fist back. He’s going to hit me again. I don’t move, and I don’t flinch. I learned at a young age to not avoid the attack. It only makes it worse. Releasing his fist, he turns to walk away and stops before he storms out of the room.

“A skirt. Look like a fucking girl. A fat girl,” he blurts out as he slams the door behind him.

I get undressed and go into the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror. Here comes the self loathing. A face too fat. Arms too big. My stomach is the worst. Flab. It’s the reason why my boyfriend hates me. He used to look at me with affection. Now, it’s pure disgust. I pinch the fat around my waist as the tears roll down my cheeks.

Like the crazy person I am, I talk to my reflection.

“He’s right. You’re disgusting. Why would any man want to be with you? You’re repulsive.”

“Would you hurry the fuck up?”

Erik interrupts my usual tirade inside my head, and I wipe the wetness from my cheeks.

“Can’t you go without me?”

He storms in beside me and I jump. Coming up behind me, he yells in my ear.

“No. You don’t have a choice. Deal with it.”

Looking at my reflection, he makes a face of disgust as he grabs my stomach.

“Disgusting. Look what you’ve become, McKinley. You eat like a pig, and that’s why you look like one.”

I shut my eyes so I don’t have to look at my fat body. He speaks low in a threatening tone.

“Get fucking dressed before things get unpleasant.”

My cheeks burn as the shame fills me. He’s right. I did this to myself. While I know how it happened, I don’t understand how to reverse it. I’ve tried. Erik thinks I hide what I’m eating, but I don’t. My throat fills with regret, and I try to swallow down my self hatred, to do what he asked me to. Why the hell do I suddenly have to go to all this band stuff? It was never required before. He says Jagger is obsessed with me, but that can’t be it. I’ve done my best to keep a distance from him after what happened on the plane, because insecurity only makes things worse with Erik. I never should’ve given in to Jagger. Cheating is wrong. When I found out that’s exactly what Erik had been doing to me, it was like the final thread of our relationship broke. Maybe I should feel bad about letting him touch me the way I did, but I don’t. Not really. My boyfriend hates me and we both know it. I have no idea why he even stays with me. Maybe he just wants a reason to be angry all the time. I fuck everything up so I’m the perfect excuse.

Once I’m finally dressed, I walk out of the bedroom to Erik’s judgemental gaze. He groans with obvious disappointment, but I ignore him.

“Let’s go.”

I nod and follow him out of our hotel room, down the long dark blue hallway, to the elevator.

“Jagger has us by the balls. So whatever the fuck he wants, give it to him.”

I keep my eyes focused on the floor as we step into the elevator, because it’s easier than seeing how he feels about me. I already know, but when he glares at me with disgust, it’s like a reflection staring straight back at me. The worst part about how he feels about me, is I feel that way about myself too, and it hurts like hell.

“So you’re cool with my humiliation if it benefits you?”

He chuckles like I told a funny joke, and the doors to the elevator slide open as he says, “I’m cool with just about anything if I get what I want. Do you know how long I’ve been trying to get a break?”

I nod, because I do know. It was long before we met. I know he has worked hard, and somehow I’ve become his meal ticket, even though I don’t get why.

“A long time. I get it.”

“Jagger Wild is going to give me everything I want, as long as you give him everything he wants.”

I roll my eyes behind him as we walk into the party. Jagger sits on a black sofa with women fawning all over him. The music is loud, nearly shaking the walls, and I glance around, taking in the room. It’s a big room, one that probably has held many wedding receptions. The walls are white, with a few vases of flowers placed randomly on tables with food and drinks. In the corner I spot Jett, the keyboard player, with three blondes. They are all lips, and tongues, and I suddenly hope they aren’t going to get naked right here in front of everyone. His other two bandmates are on the opposite side, talking while sipping on some kind of dark drink.

Jagger’s gaze travels from my feet slowly up to my face. He sits looking like rock royalty, leaning back with his arms spread wide, as well as his legs. I don’t know what’s going through his mind, but the smirk on his lips is telling. It’s nothing good.

I walk over to the table and grab a bottle of water. I’d love to have an actual drink like everybody else, but it would send Erik over the edge, so it’s not worth it.

Turning my back to Jagger, I open my water and take a gulp of it. Hot breath tingles over my neck, causing a shiver down my spine, followed by his voice that sounds deep, gravelly, and sexier than I’d like it to.

“Have you ever wanted something so bad it feels like you might die if you can’t have it?”

“No,” I say, trying to sound calm, but the crack in my voice betrays me.

Grabbing my shoulders, he spins me around so I’m facing him.

“Hey! You’re going to spill my water.”

He chuckles softly with a glint in his eyes.

“Good. I always clean up my messes, filthy girl. I promise you, I’ll lick up every drop that spills on your beautiful body.”

I point at the women across the room with matching scowls on their faces.

“Your groupies are waiting, Wild.”

Tucking my hair behind my ear, he stares into my eyes, making my knees feel like they might buckle at any moment.

“I don’t want them. All I want is you.”

Shaking my head, I ask, “What do you want from me? I don’t understand any of this.”