CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

MCKINLEY

Jagger climbs beside me, and wraps his arm around my stomach and pulls me against his front. I still feel weird about him touching me there, because it’s the fattest part of my body. I’m trying to silence the voices and let him hold me like this. It’s what normal people do, but it’s still hard. When I was with Erik, I always kept covered with a shirt. I preferred it that way and so did he, but Jagger wants me completely naked, and I desperately want to feel comfortable with it.

He kisses my neck. “Beautiful.”

I turn around so I’m facing him.

“Where are we going, Jagger?”

Grabbing my ass, he says, “It was supposed to be a surprise. If you tell me about your family, I’ll tell you.”

While I’m not surprised he wants to know about my family, I instantly shake my head no. This isn’t a conversation I can have with him. There’s a reason I’ve avoided it.

“I can’t talk about them. Please don’t ask me to.”

He brushes the hair out of my face, and holds his hand to my cheek tenderly.

“You can tell me anything. It won’t change how I feel about you. I need you to understand that.”

“My childhood wasn’t like yours. I didn’t have a mom reading me books and singing in the kitchen. And if the cost for finding out why you dragged me onto this plane is telling you things I’m not comfortable with, I’ll have to live with the suspense for however many hours are left. I don’t want to know that bad.”

I instantly feel like a bitch when I see the pained look in his eyes, but it’s not something I can talk to him about. It’s not that I want to have secrets between us. I don’t, but as much as he says it wouldn’t change his feelings about me, it will. He may not want it to, but it will. For a girl like me, Jagger is something magical. I know he thinks this is forever, but it’s not, because it can’t be. One day, he’ll say he has had enough of my issues. The truth is, before I met him, I was planning to end my life. Everything was in place. I had the letter written to leave for Mia. I’ve researched exactly where to cut to bleed out quickly. Things haven’t changed, I’m just trying to get a bit of happiness before I leave this earth. After he leaves me, I won’t be hurting anyone other than my best friend. Mia won’t be surprised when she finds out I’m dead. She’ll say she saw it coming for years. She will be sad, but she’ll be okay.

“You’re right. Fuck, I’m sorry.”

I lay in his arms with my eyes closed, because I can’t handle seeing that look in his eyes. I have a feeling this is going to be over sooner rather than later. I’m a lot to handle and when he says he has had enough, I won’t fight him, I’ll let him go easily, so he can carry on with his life. Jagger Wild is the most wonderful man I’ve ever met, and he deserves so much more than I’ll ever be able to give him.

“Baby, I’m sorry. Please look at me.”

Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I open my eyes and look at him.

“I’m sorry. I fucked up.”

“It’s fine, Jagger. Your questions are not abnormal, I am.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you.”

I press my face against his chest, allowing his scent to soothe me, because my heart breaks for him. One day he’ll wake up and get it. There’s so much wrong with me. I didn’t intentionally deceive him, but I guess I did, because he thinks I’m better than I am. Leaving out the majority of my past means he doesn’t know the real me. And if he did, he would be sickened that he thinks he fell for me.

He rolls onto his back and takes me with him, holding me close to him, as he speaks low, “We are going to Italy. Amalfi Coast.”

I lift my head and stare at him with shock. “How?”

“Please don’t be mad. We have time off before the east coast leg of the tour, and I wanted to take you somewhere special. I texted Mia from your phone, and she told me you wanted to go there more than anywhere.”

Laying my head back down on his chest, I kiss his skin. “Thank you. I can’t believe you did this for me. Thank you. I’ve always sworn I’d see it before I die.”

JAGGER

I stare at her while she sleeps, and feel like a fucking asshole. I wanted to know everything so badly, I held what she wanted over her head, to get my way. This is the kind of shit I imagine Erik would’ve done to her, someone I never wanted to have anything in common with. Her words echo in my head; “My childhood wasn’t like yours. I didn’t have a mom reading me books and singing in the kitchen. And if the cost for finding out why you dragged me onto this plane is telling you things I’m not comfortable with, I’ll have to live with the suspense for however many hours are left. I don’t want to know that bad.”

She kicks her legs and cries out, “Mommy, no!”

This is the first time I’ve heard her having a nightmare, and no doubt I did this, by bringing up her parents. And I fucking hate myself for it.

I kiss her on the forehead while stroking her hair. “Shhh, you’re safe, McKinley. It’s just us. Go back to sleep.”

Her lashes flutter, and she looks at me with that expression that tells me she wants to bolt, so I hold her tighter against my chest. “Everything is okay. Go back to sleep, baby.”

I’ll never leave her, but I do wonder if I’m fighting a losing battle. How much she has endured, I don’t even know, and I’m not sure I ever will. This is the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever been through. Watching her in constant pain is hard as hell. I just want to make everything better for her, but I’m not sure I can.