Chapter 32

Shea

I sat on my bed, bouncing my knees that were pretzeled beneath me as I continued my staring contest with the grimoire. Damn thing was winning.

My thoughts were so heavily conflicted that indecision had me paralyzed, stuck to this fucking spot on my bed. It had been two days since I'd had my elicit encounters with both supernatural men in my life, and dammit if I hadn't stopped obsessing about them ever since.

And beating myself up over each of them.

I had never expected Caesar, a powerful gryphon shifter and the director of the shifter academy, to be as drawn to me as I was to him—and even less did I ever imagine he might act on those feelings.

And Julian, hell. Of course, I was painfully attracted to him, he was a drop-dead gorgeous vampire. What human female wouldn't drop her panties with one sultry look from him? I had known he wanted my blood, the same way he wanted any human's blood. But what he did to me the other day went so far beyond bloodlust. That was actual lust. And I really struggled with how much I'd enjoyed both.

But most of all, I couldn't get my head around the fact that I wanted both of them equally. What I felt for either of them was no mere crush like I'd experienced before. It was compelling, intoxicating, and had the tendency to lead me to making really poor decisions. I mean, I'd sucked off one of them in a pub bathroom and let the other one drink my fucking blood! What the hell was I doing?

My rational mind urged me to run from both of them, to stop contact and never look back. But even without my stupid hormones getting in the way, there were too many reasons why I couldn't end my involvement with either man.

I needed Caesar to get into the school, and I'd made a promise to Julian in exchange for the grimoire, which I in no way intended to ever relinquish.

And that led me to my current predicament. While studying the grimoire last night in an attempt to distract myself, I came across a healing spell that focused on the mind. That page had been blank before every other time I'd looked at it, but last night the spell revealed itself. Like the book knew I needed it.

Caesar had asked me to come to the school and heal the mermaid that had gotten attacked, and now the spell suddenly appeared? If that wasn't a sign from the universe, I didn't know what was. How could I not take Caesar's offer? It would get me into the school and possibly get in the good graces of hateful shifters, and it would help protect Arya.

But…how could I face Caesar after what happened with Julian?

I mean, it wasn't like Caesar and I were a thing. He'd ghosted me after our sexcapade only until he needed something from me. If that need hadn't arisen, he might never have spoken to me again. Asshole.

Ugh, fuck it!

I angrily snatched my phone and found his name in the contacts, only hesitating for a second as I ground my teeth before pressing the call button. I held the phone to my ear, straightening my posture as if anyone could see, and waited for him to pick up.

"Shea?" he asked after only two rings.

"Yeah, I found the spell," I said, getting right to the point. "Let's do this thing."

"Really? Excellent! Um…" He paused for a moment. "Can you meet me at the outer platform in an hour? We've amped up security at the main door, so I'll have to escort you in."

My pulse stuttered. "Er–but everyone knows my face. How will you get me past Miss Prudy Fins?"

"Right," he mumbled, and I only slightly appreciated that he knew who I meant by that. "I'll get Celeste distracted with some task. Don't worry about her. But can you do anything to obscure your appearance?"

I bristled at that, even though I understood it was necessary. "I'll wear a hoodie," I ground out.

"That'll do."

"Great, see you in an hour," I said a little too sharply before ending the call with a forceful jab of my fingertip.

Why was I so irked? I knew that the only way to get into that school right now was to sneak in—or be smuggled in, in this case. But I hated the notion that I was Caesar's dirty little secret. Okay, it wasn't like he was sneaking me in for some torrid affair, but I just hated that I wasn't welcome just the way I was.

With a grunted sigh, I hopped off my bed, pulled on a black hoodie, and shoved the grimoire into my shoulder bag, then I strode out the door. Gram was at bingo, so thankfully I wouldn't have to make any excuses as to where I was going. I was getting really tired of lying to her, especially since I knew that she knew I was lying.

I zoned out to my headphones for the bus and subway rides to the outer platform, decidedly blaring heavy metal to match my mood. Nothing like disappearing into Disturbed to fortify my righteous anger and bolster my confidence.

I arrived at the outer platform at exactly 4:05, and my heart flitted in my chest at the sight of Caesar leaning against the wall next to the secret janitor door. Dammit, why did he have to look so hot? He was in full professor garb this afternoon, wearing a button-up gray collared shirt tucked into well-fitted black slacks.

I shoved the dirty school-girl fantasies out of my mind and sauntered up to him like I gave no fucks.

"What, no kitty sweater?" I asked, my tone more mocking than playful.

His eyes widened briefly, blush touching his cheeks for an instant before he cleared his throat. "Come on, let's go."

He opened the door and gestured for me to go in before him. I rolled my eyes at his lack of response to my comment and pushed past him. The secret platform was empty and just as mysterious as I'd remembered.

But as the train came toward us down the tunnel, Caesar grabbed my upper arm to pull me closer, and before I could get any kind of hopes up, he pulled my hood up over my head. Of course. I was the dirty little secret. How could I forget?

I stood behind Caesar, casting my face down as handfuls of shifter students disembarked and filled the platform with their bodies and chatter. I didn't realize I'd been holding my breath until the last of them filed out the door, and I released it in a heavy exhale.

When Caesar used the grip he'd maintained on my arm to tug me onto the now-empty train, I didn't argue. I was just relieved I'd made it this far without being recognized. But the hard part was still to come.

Once aboard, I gently pulled my arm from his hold and sat on the opposite side of the train from him. We said nothing as the train began to move and carried us down the tunnel, and I was happy to keep it that way. This charade was awkward enough without inviting pointless platitudes into the mix.

Apparently, he didn't feel the same.

"Shea, I'm sorry about what happened," he said after a few minutes of tense silence.

I glared up at him. "You're sorry for flirting, making out with me and letting me blow you, or sorry for leaving abruptly afterward and then not contacting me until you needed a favor?"

He closed his eyes as if what I'd said stabbed him. Good.

Then he shook his head. "Both. It was wrong of me to drink with you, and very wrong of me to let things go as far as they did after. And yes, the worst was leaving you with no explanation after. I'm sorry for all of it."

Anger simmered in my belly, and I crossed my arms and legs. "Yeah, well, I'm not sorry for any of it, so you can save your damned apologies."

I saw him look guiltily down at his lap before I cast my heated gaze out the window. I didn't want his guilt. I didn't want his regret. I was a sexy, intelligent, badass witch. I was no one's mistake, and I never would be his again.

We spent the rest of the ride in merciful silence, and I occupied myself with staring out the window at the beautiful blue lake above us. I was determined to savor this experience for what it was worth.

When the train came to a stop, my anxiety revved up tenfold. I hoped he'd made good on his promise to get Celeste away from the main door. I couldn't bear another rejection right now, especially not from her poison-barbed tongue.

I let Caesar escort me off the train and up to the vault-style door, which was open, with a large, intimidating man standing guard in front of it, and a line of students behind him. I ducked my head as Caesar guided me forward, holding my breath once more and praying for invisibility from anyone who might have been at that party.

"New phoenix student," Caesar said to the militant man guarding the entrance.

To my relief, the man nodded without question, letting us go through. I kept my face fixed to the floor as we passed the line of students, only taking a much-needed gasp of air when we'd gotten out of sight of the last one.

"See, that wasn't so bad," Caesar whispered to me. "We shouldn't come across many more people on our way to the hospital wing."

I nodded, still not daring to raise my head, even though I desperately wanted to look around and soak up the magnificence of this place. Occasionally, I peeked out beneath the shield of my hood, marveling at the metal wolves and dragons formed in the walls and archways. Yes, I belonged here. And after this, I'd be one step closer to proving that to everyone .