Chapter 18

Arya

Thanksgiving Day was uneventful. Thankfully, Ms. Heather had still been in the infirmary last night and was able to tend to Tobias, and I suspected he'd be out of commission for the day.

It was better that way. Our interaction last night had triggered those damned feelings again, made me want to get drawn in by him again, and until he figured his shit out and made some huge romantic gesture, I wasn't falling for it. Maybe not even then.

But Kendall wasn't here either. Hell, the mer common room was like a ghost town. It was surreal to walk into the large space and not hear the chatter and barely concealed whispers. Not that I didn't appreciate the lack of hostility for once, but the silence was equally isolating.

Though Shea had invited me again that morning to come to dinner at her house, I decided against it. Being in that neighborhood, so close to the house where my life fell apart and changed forever, was just too painful.

So I spent the day on the couch in front of the big screen TV in the empty mer common room, surrounded by every pillow I could find and a pint of ice cream pretty much glued to my lap. I watched all my and Mom's favorite movies, pretending she was here with me for a lazy movie day and refusing to acknowledge her death in every way possible.

It was a foray into insanity that I allowed myself for the day. I may have even talked to her a few times. It wasn't like she talked back or anything—I wasn't completely delusional. But imagining her there with me gave me a sense of comfort I desperately needed.

I woke up Friday morning with the spoon tangled in my hair and a sort of ice cream hangover dragging my limbs. I climbed out of my pillow mountain on the couch and stumbled to my room, oddly feeling like I was performing my own version of the walk of shame. Only instead of drunkenly sleeping with a regrettable stranger, I'd dwelled in lonely, self-indulgent fantasies while gorging on junk food.

Not my proudest moment, and I was eager to clean myself up and enjoy a day of shopping with my friends.

So I got a quick shower and tossed on some clothes I'd borrowed from Ashlyn. I was eager to buy my own things today so I could return her items to her. She hadn't been bugging me to get them back, but depending on her made me feel like a charity case, and I hoped that having my own clothes here would make me feel more at home at this school.

Ashlyn was waiting at the platform when I got there, and a large, intimidating man was standing protectively beside her. Though I had never seen Mr. Summers in person, I got the distinct impression this was him. He looked every bit like a military man with his strict posture and his hands clasped behind his back.

"Remind me where you're going again?" he was asking her when I approached.

Ashlyn rolled her eyes. "We're going to the Magnificent Mile to do some shopping."

"And you have location activated on your phone?" he prompted.

"Yes, sir," she replied with a mock two-fingered salute.

He frowned at her gesture but seemed satisfied with her response.

"Just get there and back safely. That's all I ask. I know you're smart, so if anyone or anything looks suspicious, get back here immediately."

She rolled her eyes again, but softness crept into her features. "I'll be fine. And I'll be back soon. Want me to stop in when I do? So you know I'm back?"

"No need. I'll know." With a look of certainty, he spun on his heel and marched away, nodding at me as he passed.

Ashlyn watched until he'd disappeared through the vault door. "Ugh, this is so stupid. He was M.I.A. my whole childhood, and now he has to play the devoted father? Like I'm not capable of taking care of myself without him?"

I shrugged, a twinge of jealousy tugging at my insides. "At least he cares. It's gotta be nice to know you have someone looking out for you."

She met my gaze, her adolescent reluctance melting away. "Yeah, I guess. It's just weird for me, that's all. Even when my mom was alive, she didn't pay that much attention to me. She was always drunk, so I had the freedom to go wherever I wanted and do whatever I wanted without anyone telling me otherwise."

The envy inside me wrestled with sympathy at that. Though Ashlyn and I were similar in the loss of our mothers, everything else about our upbringing was very different. Where I had been overly sheltered, she had been neglected. Where I had nothing but rules, she'd had nothing but freedom. It was an odd double-edged sword.

Ultimately, I realized that I was the lucky one in that comparison. I'd rather have confined love than disregarded independence.

The train pulled up in front of us, the doors sliding open.

"Come on, let's go," Ashlyn urged with the tip of her head, and I followed her.

"So, I take it dinner went well," I said playfully as we sat down.

She shrugged. "Well, I guess it could've been worse. He'd been adamant about cooking himself, and though the turkey was dry and the pumpkin pie was burnt, the mac n' cheese was pretty good. But I did see a Betty Crocker ready-made box in the trash, so thankfully, he had help with that one."

I laughed. "Nothin' better than the classic."

"Exactly," she said. "How was your Thanksgiving? Did you go to Shea's?"

I pursed my lips, not quite willing to share the shame of my pitiful day. "Nah, I just stayed in and watched movies with good ol' Ben and Jerry."

"Damn, that sounds nice," she said with a sigh.

I was going to let the topic die there, but my sorrow suddenly felt too heavy to carry alone. "It was pretty pitiful actually." I let a nervous laugh slip out.

She turned to me with upturned brows. "What do you mean?"

My eyes started to prickle with the telltale sting of tears. "I spent the whole day pretending my mom was on the couch with me, making comments to her about the movies we used to watch together. I feel pretty damn crazy about it now."

"Aww." She frowned, wrapping me into a hug against her. "I'm sorry. If I had known, I would've dragged you to dinner. You would've been a welcomed buffer against my dad."

I snickered and shook my head.

"I'm sorry," Ashlyn said, squeezing my shoulder where her hand still rested. "I know it's hard. This is my first Thanksgiving without my mom, too. But my memories of her aren't great. So, I focus on the good part of this holiday, like when she would give me money to go shopping so I would leave her to drink in peace."

Ashlyn shrugged and looked down at her feet. "I guess that was why it was such a big deal for me to go out today. It was a way of forgetting her when she was alive, so I'd hoped it would help me forget her now that she's dead."

My heart wrenched for Ashlyn. That was just awful.

"What exactly happened to your mom?" I asked. "If you don't mind me asking."

Ashlyn had only ever talked about the accident flippantly, like it was some boring tale that didn't merit revisiting. But I could see the pained look in her eyes every time she dismissed it. I wanted to be there for her if sharing was what she needed.

She didn't answer, and she was quiet for so long that I assumed she wasn't going to, so I was resigned to let it go.

"It was my birthday," she said, a distant look in her eyes as she stared fixedly at the seats across from us. "She had already started drinking early that morning, so when I woke up, she was not in a celebratory mood. I had to remind her that it was my sixteenth birthday. And not once did she wish me a happy one. Instead, she used it as a countdown for two separate occasions. One was how many years had passed since dad left. And two, how many more years until I could move out."

My eyebrows shot up, and I had to blink to dissipate the tears welling on my eyelids. I never realized how bad things had been for her.

"I, uh, upset her, and she threw her almost empty bottle of liquor on the ground where it broke into hundreds of pieces," she went on. "As I was cleaning it up, she went upstairs. Well... she was saying some really harsh things under her breath. It broke me, more than I thought I could handle."

One tear escaped, but Ashlyn caught it before it could fall.

"I didn't know that I was a phoenix then, and I didn't know that I could make fire come out of my body. Her words just...paralyzed me. Before I knew what was happening, it was too late. The entire downstairs was lit with flames. I heard the bottles in her liquor closet crashing to the floor, and I knew it was going to blow. I walked out of there without a scratch, without a single burn, without my mom. When I went outside, my dad was just pulling up. I passed out and only woke up when we got to the Dome."

I wiped away tears that treacherously spilled down my face and pulled Ashlyn into another hug. "Ash, I am just so sorry. No one deserves to go through what you went through. I hope you didn't have to deal with that all the time."

Ashlyn squeezed her lips in a tight line, nodding to sadly confirm the worst. "Dad left when I was four. My mom didn't take it well. At all. It took a year for her to completely hit rock bottom. I guess I could say I'm lucky because I had to learn how to take care of myself at a young age. I mean, I know he had to leave. The school's safety is important. I know that now. I just wish I knew that growing up, too. He speaks so highly of our Summers lineage like it's enough of an explanation. I want to forgive him... It's just hard."

I couldn't begin to know how she felt. Ashlyn had known her dad when he left. She'd felt abandoned by him, and she harbors that same abandonment now that he's back in her life. I had never known my dad or even who he was. I didn't miss him because he pretty much didn't exist to me. If he suddenly showed up now trying to play that role, I wouldn't handle it well, either.

I gave her a half-smile. "I want to apologize for what you went through, but I know that won't help. All I can do is appreciate you. I'm thankful that you're here. And even though your dad is a giant military robot"—she snorted a laugh at that—"I can tell how much he loves you and how sorry he is. Second chances are worth it."

Ashlyn's tears were on the verge of pooling out of her eyes, so she pushed her palms into them. With another deep breath, she pulled her hands away and tucked them into her lap.

"Thanks, Arya. I know you're right. And it is kind of fun to put him through the adolescent hell he avoided for so many years." She laughed, and I laughed with her.

The train came to a stop at the end of the platform, and we got off. The walk from the subway to Magnificent Mile took about fifteen minutes, and Ashlyn decided to turn the topic of conversation to shopping, commenting on the clothing displayed in the windows of the shops we passed.

I was grateful for the shift in subject, ready to forget my problems for a day and spend copious amounts of money on shit I didn't need—okay, correction, I absolutely did need a new wardrobe.

As we got closer, I checked my phone to message Shea for her E.T.A. She had agreed to meet us at the start of the mile.

"Arya!"

I looked up to see Shea waving from the other side of the intersection. And just like that, my heart filled with joy. It felt like forever since I'd seen her, and so much had happened in that time. We had a lot of catching up to do .