Chapter Six

CHAPTER SIX

Shrewsbury

S hrewsbury was a very big city.

The noise, the smell, the people… everything about it was overwhelming. As the Duke of Shrewsbury's escort entered from the south side of town, Grier was struck by all of the sights and smells of the bustling burgh. At first, she was curious about the city and the people, but as the situation overtook her, that curiosity faded into fear and distress.

Memories she'd long forgotten began to seep back into her mind.

Crossing a bridge that spanned over the murky, green waterway of the River Severn, the party ended up on a sloped street called St. John's Hill. It was a busy avenue, full of people moving in both directions, and Grier clung to her palfrey as the little animal scooted after the bigger war horses. She was surrounded by soldiers and knights, and Dane was slightly ahead of her, so there were men everywhere who were there to protect her. She was the center of a sea of armored men.

But she'd never felt so alone in her entire life.

It was odd to think that this was her town, where she was born. Memories of her mother and father, things she'd long pushed aside, returned at the sight of the familiar red city walls. She remembered her mother's warmth, her father's detachment, and a carefree life of a happy child until her mother died.

After that, her life had changed so quickly. Her mother had been pregnant with a son. A brother , they'd told her. Then the child had died alongside her mother and both were swiftly put in the cold ground. Grier had hardly come to grips with her mother's death when her father had sent her off to Wales. Surrounded by people she didn't know, and a nun who liked to take a switch to their backs when they disobeyed, she remembered how much she'd cried during her first years at St. Idloes.

And how much she'd hated her father for it.

Odd, she'd forgotten about the weeping and sorrow of those early years until now. Perhaps, she'd simply blocked it all out. But, God, there was a terrible hatred for her father, something deep-rooted into the recesses of her mind that she'd never completely let go of. She thought she had, but feeling it bubble up again, she realized she hadn't. It was those red walls of Shrewsbury reminding her, with every step the escort took, how much she'd hated him. Even when she'd been told of her father's death, she hadn't remembered the hatred. But those red walls had been the trigger.

It was ugly, black sludge that filled her heart.

Along the sides of the road, people were stopping to watch the duke's procession move through with the big blue, gold, and red bird of prey standards that announced Shrewsbury. People were looking at the soldiers, and at her. Grier put aside the hatred roiling in her gut because she realized that she was increasingly uncomfortable with the attention of the crowds. All of those eyes, staring. Because of her nerves, the grip she had on her palfrey turned her knuckles white. As if holding on to that little horse gave her some measure of safety, something to hang on to in an unfamiliar world that was swallowing her up.

Proceeding up the road, buildings rose on either side, the wattle and daub construction, with wooden beams and whitewashed walls. Windows opened and people began hanging out of them, looking at the procession from overhead, and Grier found herself looking up into what she thought were unfriendly faces. The new Duke and Duchess of Shrewsbury were a curiosity, and all the world seemed to be turning out for them. Grier finally gave up looking around and simply focused straight ahead; seeing all of those people made her feel nauseous.

In truth, this wasn't the city she remembered. It was an unsavory, dirty place. She could hear people calling to her, shouting and then laughing, but she didn't look at them. She kept her eyes ahead, noticing when Dane turned around, casually, to see how she was handling the noise and the excitement. When their eyes met, he smiled encouragingly, but she couldn't smile in return. It would have been a lie because there was nothing around her that she felt like smiling about. Therefore, seeing his kindness in this sea of chaos made her want to cry.

Mercifully, the shouting and crowds and buildings faded away and a massive wall built of the same red sandstone that comprised the city walls rose up in their place. Grier dared to look at it now that she was away from the people. The wall towered over them and, ahead, she could see a gatehouse with a great yawning mouth. There were two portcullises, both of them raised, and Grier found her curiosity returning as she inspected the big walls and the ceiling of the gatehouse as they passed through it.

The gatehouse opened up into a vast outer bailey that sloped to the northeast, with many outbuildings, including a two-storied great hall. It was the biggest building in the outer bailey, surrounding by housing for the men and the stables tucked back against the north wall. The escort finally came to a halt and men began dismounting, including Dane, who headed directly for her.

"Welcome home, Lady Shrewsbury," he said. "I cannot imagine you would remember much of this place, but from what I am told, you were born here."

Reaching up, he lifted her off of the palfrey and for the first time since they'd met, Grier felt his arms around her. He had big muscles and big hands, lifting her as if she weighed no more than a child. It was enough to cause her heart to skip a beat, and she was embarrassed for it. But once he set her to her feet, she found herself sorry that he'd let her go.

"I was," she said, looking around the bailey. She remembered it, but not very clearly, and the dark hatred for her father threatened again. This place had his stench all over it. "But you are correct; I do not remember very much of it. Only impressions, really."

Dane held out an elbow to her, to politely escort her, but she looked at his elbow as if she had no idea what to do with it. His smile broadened as he took her left hand and tucked it into the crook of his elbow.

"When a man gives you his arm, you are meant to take it," he said softly. "To refuse is to insult him. Would you insult me?"

She looked mortified. "Nay," she said. "I would not knowingly, I swear it."

He chuckled. "I believe you," he said. "Now that you are holding my arm, hold tight. I intend to show you this place that you and I are to rule over."

That was an immense thought in a day that had already been full of them, and Grier was reluctant to go with him but she had little choice. She looked around as they began to head towards the gate that led to the inner bailey and the red-stoned keep that she could see rising in the middle of it. The day was a little cloudy, perhaps a little murky, and the towering keep was impressive against the gray sky.

The keep , she thought. The last place I saw my mother alive .

Oh, but the memories were difficult now that she was here. Her stomach was in knots because of it but she didn't want to let on to Dane. She hardly knew the man, and their beginning had been rough enough without her lamenting her hatred for her father and the terrible memories coming back to Shrewsbury had brought her. It wasn't his fault, after all. Perhaps, it was best to keep her feelings to herself.

Hopefully, she would learn to forget them again.

"I will admit that this is all rather frightening," she said, trying to distract herself. "I am returning to a place I thought I would never see again, and I'm now expected to do something I never thought I would do."

"I know."

"I hope you will teach me how to rule alongside you."

Dane nodded, his pale eyes glimmering. "Of course I will," he said. "You shall be the best chatelaine Shrewsbury has ever seen. In fact…"

He never got to finish, as suddenly, a lady thundered across the bridge that spanned a small moat surrounding the inner bailey. Her skirts were held up as she ran, squealing all the way as she blew past Dane and Grier, rushing into the bailey and then throwing herself at Dastan, who barely had time to brace himself.

Grier watched the woman with surprise. She had come to a halt, watching the excited reunion with some fascination.

" Who is that?" she asked.

Dane shook his head at the overenthusiastic wife who didn't even stop to greet her liege. "That is Lady Charlisa du Reims," he said. "Clearly, she is mad about her husband, so do not take the fact that she ignored us as an insult. She simply has eyes only for him."

Grier didn't take it as an insult at all but, as she watched, Dastan grabbed his wife by the arm and began dragging her in their direction. He was obviously peeved at her behavior and as he came near Dane and Grier, he grunted, a sound of great annoyance.

"My wife did not mean to be rude, my lord, when she ran past you," he said. Then, his gazed moved to Grier. "My lady, this is my wife, Charlisa. She has been very eager to make your acquaintance."

Grier thought that was a rather absurd statement considering that that woman nearly mowed her down in her haste to reach her husband. She couldn't help but chuckle.

"I could see that by the way she darted past me," she said, her gaze moving to Charlisa, who was looking genuinely mortified. "Lady du Reims, it is an honor to meet you."

Charlisa dropped into a practiced curtsy. She was quite lovely, with pretty blond hair and big blue eyes. Even as she curtsied, she looked up at Grier, a smile playing on her lips.

"I was overeager to see my husband, Lady de Russe," she said. "I am sure you can understand that, having a handsome husband of your own, but please forgive my bad manners. It shall not happen again."

Grier didn't believe that for a moment. "At least not until the next time he returns home from a long journey."

It was lightly said and Charlisa giggled, giving a bit of a nod. At least she was honest when confronted. Already, there was some warmth between the ladies as Grier and Charlisa took a good look at each other. Truly, Grier wasn't offended and Charlisa seemed to have the charm of a kitten, so there was no anger. Only open curiosity at that point. Dastan merely rolled his eyes at his silly wife, but a smile played on his lips as well.

"May we accompany you on your tour of Shrewsbury, Lady de Russe?" he asked. "I may be able to answer any questions you may have since I have been here for several years. I knew your father well, and I know Shrewsbury well. I may be of service."

Grier nodded, looking to Dane. "I do not mind if you do not."

Dane shook his head. "He and his frenzied wife are most welcome," he said as he began to walk. "I was just about to show Lady de Russe around the outer bailey. Dastan, you may take charge of the tour if you wish."

Dastan stepped forward. "Thank you, my lord," he said, his twinkling gaze on Grier. "You were born here, my lady, in that very keep, and you lived here until you were six years of age. Do you recall your life here?"

There was that question. Do you recall your life here ? Words of bitterness immediately came to her lips, but she swallowed them. What she felt, the intense feelings she'd shelved, belonged to her and her alone. She thought Dastan's question was a rather personal one, and one that she really had no intention of answering. Dastan and Dane were trying very hard to be kind to her, to introduce her back into life at Shrewsbury, and she didn't want to talk about her feelings.

After a moment, she simply shook her head.

"Not very much," she said. "My lord and I were just only speaking of it. I remember mostly impressions. Of my mother, who had a sweet voice and was very beautiful, and of my father, who did not spend much time with me."

Dane was listening to her as she spoke, watching her manner. The ride to Shrewsbury on this day had been uneventful for the most part, and he'd been able to ride with Grier for some of the way. But the moment they drew near the city, he'd gone to the front of the escort, leaving her buried in the men behind him.

And something in her manner had changed.

The moment they'd entered the city, something about her changed entirely. He wasn't sure what it was, but even now, there was something in her eyes– perhaps even the lack of eye contact– that told him she was, perhaps, feeling more than she was letting on. He wondered if she remembered more than she'd told him– and simply didn't wish to speak of it.

Dane wasn't going to push her into anything, of course, but over the past couple of days, he'd found himself increasingly interested in the woman he'd married. He was hoping that, someday, she might put enough trust in him to speak of the thoughts on her mind. His parents, Gaston and Remington, had shared a wonderful and loving marriage over the past thirty years, and there was some part of Dane that envied what they had. Perhaps he wished for it, also.

But perhaps, that was a fool's wish.

In any case, Grier's answer to Dastan's question brought about a conversation he'd had with Dastan when he'd learned how starved and neglected Grier had been. It made Dane think yet again that Garreth had intentionally ignored his daughter in all ways and, given that thought, he couldn't imagine that this homecoming was all that pleasant for her.

Perhaps that was the change in her demeanor he'd seen.

"Your father and mother are buried in Shrewsbury's chapel over there," he said after a moment, pointing to the building over near the hall. It was long and slender, with a rounded wall at the end that had lancet windows cut into it. "One of your father's de Lara ancestors built it next to the hall and you will see carvings on the door that show men going straight from the hall with cups of wine in their hands and then into the chapel to pray. I am assuming it was a hint to the degenerates in the hall who drank or cursed too much."

Grier grinned as she shielded her eyes from the sun as she looked over at the red-stoned chapel. It was the same color as the keep and walls. "I do remember it, a little," she said. "I remember my mother being buried there. It was shortly thereafter that I was sent to St. Idloes. Would… would you mind if I visited the graves of my mother and father? Now that I am here, I feel as if it should be the very first thing I do."

Dane nodded. "Of course," he said. "I will take you there."

With a pause in their tour, Dane and Grier left Dastan and Charlisa standing near the gate to the inner bailey as Dane took her down the slope to the chapel. His pace was slower because Grier was having trouble with the overlong gown. She kept stepping on the hem. Finally, they reached the chapel, but before he could accompany her inside, she turned to him.

"I would like to go in alone," she said. "If you do not mind."

He shook his head. "Not at all," he said. "I shall wait for you here."

With a forced smile, Grier headed into the chapel, but not before looking at the elaborately carved doors with scenes of drunks spilling out of the hall and heading straight into the chapel to pray for their drunken habits. It was a lesson in woodcarving, and she timidly pushed the enormous doors open, emerging into the dank innards of the chapel.

The smell…

Like damp, moldy earth. She remembered that smell and, in a rush, all of the memories of the last time she was here came tumbling back on her. She could hear the priests praying the funeral mass as her father wept over the bodies of her mother and infant brother. It had all been scary and overwhelming, and she had stood with her father as the bodies were put in the ground in a stone-lined grave and covered with a massive stone that a stonemason had hastily carved. Her mother had been covered with a funeral pall of expensive blue silk, and that was the last memory Grier had of her.

A corpse in blue.

Slowly, she began to head towards the front of the chapel where she knew her parents were buried. The light from the lancet windows was streaming in, so the visibility towards the front of the chapel was much better than it was to the rear. Immediately, she saw her mother's grave right in front of the altar and the freshly-turned earth right next to it showed her where her father was buried.

Grier came to within a few feet of the graves, gazing down on them, reconciling herself with what she was seeing. The light that streamed in through the lancet windows hit her mother's grave head on, but missed her father's.

She thought that was rather appropriate.

All of the hatred she'd been feeling, and trying to suppress, since entering the city was now coming forward, full force, like the rush of the tide. But along with the hatred was something more; it was a horrific sense of longing as she gazed at her mother's grave.

Grier Eleanor Gordon de Lara

and infant Garreth de Lara

May Angels embrace them

Grier stared at it, feeling grief that she hadn't felt since the day they'd buried the woman. She missed her so very much. All of that fear and sadness of a young girl swamped her, and tears stung her eyes.

"I'm home, Mama," she whispered as she went to the edge of the grave, gazing down at it. "I've been gone a very long time and I just returned. Father sent me to a convent when you died. Did he tell you that? He did. He could not stand to look at me, I am certain. But here I am. I've been brought home again by a new duke."

Her whispered words echoed off the walls of the chapel, for it was a vast and empty space. Nothing to break up the sound. A tear escape from Grier's eye and she flicked it away.

"I wanted to tell you how much I have missed you," she said. "I did not know how much until I came here. Now that I see your grave… I still do not know how you can be gone, even after all of these years. You were so young and strong and alive. I remember running with you in the fields outside of the castle and playing by the fish pond. Do you remember? We would stick long blades of grass into the water to try and lure the fish. I did not know how much I missed those days until now. I miss them so much."

Unable to stop herself, Grier broke down into quiet tears. But she was angry at the tears, angry that after all of these years, the tears were back again.

"It was not fair what happened to you," she wept. "I held your hand whilst you were laboring with the baby and you told me everything would be fine. But it was not– you lied to me. You lied to me and you left me behind, and Father sent me away with strangers who beat me. Did you know that? Because I wept and because I was little, and I did not know how to do anything, they beat me. You were gone, Father did not care, and there was no one to help me. No one!"

The last words were spoken angrily as she wept, wiping at her face to wipe away the tears and mucus, but the more she wiped the more the tears fell. Her legs gave way and she plopped forward, her knees on the edge of her mother's grave. She put her hands on the stone, feeling the cold hardness of it but, even so, she was touching her mother beneath. She closed her eyes, imagining that she was touching her soft, warm flesh.

"I was so young," she sobbed. "When they were not beating me, they were starving me. Fourteen years of being beaten and starved, all in the name of God. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair !"

With that, her gaze moved to the freshly turned earth on the other side of her mother's grave, and the sorrow she was feeling made way for the black sludge of hatred that had been filling her heart.

"And you," she hissed. "You did that to me. You sent me away like rubbish, like something disgusting and unwanted. I was your child , you unspeakable bastard. I was your daughter and you threw me away. God, I hated you for it. I still hate you for it. You sent me to that horrible place and you left me to the mercy of people who had no compassion. It was a hatred that I kept with me for years, but those years faded, and I forgot. I have not thought of you in years until your men came to tell me that you expected me to assume my place as your heiress. I thought I was over my hatred of you, but I am not. I hate everything about you and I always will."

Rising on unsteady feet, she walked around her mother's grave, respectfully, only to stand at the edge of her father's grave and look down upon it. Her weeping had lessened and she wiped at her face, wiping away the moisture. Her focus upon Garreth's grave was full of contempt.

"Do you know what I learned at St. Idloes, Father?" she muttered hoarsely. "I learned how to survive. I learned that God is cruel, and that there is hardly any love and kindness in the world, for I have seen very little of it. The only person who ever showed me any measure of it was my friend, Eolande, and the new Mother Abbess, Mary Moria. She came from another abbey when the old Mother Abbess died, the old witch who would beat young girls until they bled or force them to stand all night in the darkness because they had not learned their verses properly. Only from those two did I see any hint of kindness, and they made it so I never wanted to leave St. Idloes. But then you made me come back here. I am glad only in the sense that I am able to tell you what I think of you. I hope there is a special place in hell for what you did to me."

With that, she spit on his grave and turned away, feeling liberated and free in a sense that she was able to speak of her feelings, but she was also feeling alone and devastated and lost. There was a whole world out there, and she had a great position in it, but it was something she still wasn't sure she wanted. Even with a handsome husband to help her along.

A handsome husband she was now bound to, for better or for worse, until death.

She had to forge ahead with her new life.

*

Dane had heard her.

He hadn't meant to, at least, not at first. He'd simply gone to close the big doors behind her because she'd left them open and he didn't want anyone interrupting her. So he went to close the heavy carved doors when he heard her soft voice as she began to talk to her mother.

He knew he shouldn't have listened, but he was innately curious. He didn't know her well, but he wanted to, and with her change in manner since reaching Shrewsbury, he was genuinely concerned that something might be amiss, something she was afraid to speak of. So, he did what he shouldn't have done and listened to her.

And he got more than he bargained for.

Grier's words to her mother had been sweet and sad, and he'd felt a good deal of pity for the woman. But when she began to speak to her father, that was where things changed. The venom was palpable, and when she began to speak of her treatment at St. Idloes, he understood a great deal more about her life there. It wasn't just the starvation; she'd also been abused, and all of the rage and pain she was feeling was directed at the man who had sent her there.

It was difficult to hear, and Dane felt guilty for listening, but not enough to stop. It made him understand so much more about her in ways he couldn't have imagined. I learned to survive, she said. The little oblate he'd picked up from St. Idloes evidently had a will of iron, because the woman he heard cursing her father was stronger than he could have ever guessed. But it also underscored his suspicion that Garreth had been quite cruel to his only surviving child.

And she hated him for it.

It was an interesting and unpleasant secret about the old duke that all of the men seemed to love. With the men, Garreth had been kind and generous, but with his only child, he'd been a fiend. It was information that Dane wasn't sure he ever wanted to share with anyone, like Dastan or Syler or even William or Boden, but it certainly gave him a new perspective on the old fellow.

He was certain that he didn't like it.

At some point, Grier stopped talking and Dane began to hear footsteps coming towards the door, so he darted away, far enough away so that when she emerged, he was standing a goodly distance from the doors. When he saw her, he headed in her direction.

"I hope your visit with your parents was satisfactory," he said pleasantly. "If you need more time, please do not feel as if you must rush. We have all the time in the world."

Grier's eyes were red-rimmed. It was clear she'd been crying and she kept her head lowered so he wouldn't notice too much.

"It is not necessary," she said. "I have completed my visit."

It sounded rather final so he didn't push. Instead, he held his elbow out to her, jabbing it at her when she didn't immediately take it. When she looked up and saw what he was doing, she smiled weakly and slipped her hand into the crook of his elbow again.

"My apologies," she said. "I fear I am unaccustomed to proprieties."

He patted her hand. "Not for long. Soon, it will become second nature."

Grier wondered if that was true. At the moment, her mood was somber and she didn't care much about anything. They were walking towards Dastan and Charlisa, who were still waiting where they'd left them, but Grier didn't feel much like socializing. In fact, she was weary and emotional, and very much wanted to be alone. She looked up at Dane.

"Would it be too inconvenient to tour Shrewsbury at another time?" she asked. "I fear that I am more exhausted than I thought I was. I would very much like to rest."

Dane looked at her with an expression suggesting he'd been quite insensitive. "Of course it would not be inconvenient," he said. "I should have been more considerate. I will take you to our chamber right away. Shall I send Euphemia to you?"

Grier nodded. "She can help me with this devil of a dress," she said, pulling at it once again as she nearly tripped on it. "I fear I have nearly ruined it, stepping on it as I have."

He smiled at her. "Not to worry," he said. "I am sure it can be fixed. And you are still quite beautiful in it. You made a handsome duchess for the town to see."

Grier smiled at him, somewhat reluctantly, and he winked at her. She could feel her cheeks flush. Patting her hand again, Dane called out to Dastan and informed the man of their change in plans, and he also sent Dastan for the old serving woman who was still down with the escort. Charlisa offered to go with Grier, but Dane politely declined, stating that Lady de Russe simply wished to rest without an audience.

Dane thought he saw gratitude on Grier's face after that, and it was probably not something she expressed often. From what he'd heard, she had very little to be grateful for. But he was going to make sure that changed. From now on, the woman who survived the hell of St. Idloes was going to know nothing but a pleasant existence. Dane was going to ensure she had all the food and comfort she wanted, because that protective instinct he'd started to feel for her had just blossomed into something firm and strong. He didn't know why, because he hardly knew the woman, but what he did know of her, he liked. He respected her.

And he wanted to ensure she knew it.