Chapter Twelve

CHAPTER TWELVE

The Crown and The Sword

"I t smells like dead fish," Brielle said, wrinkling up her nose.

She was standing in the street, refusing to move any closer to the warped door that led into the tavern with cracked exterior walls and beams that were peeling and faded. Alexander was at the door, holding out a hand to her, inviting her to come inside with him.

"It's a tavern by a river where fish are regularly caught," he said. "What did you expect it to smell like?"

Brielle was nervous. Alexander knew she was nervous. He told her that they were meeting Cassian in this horrifically smelly establishment so she was forewarned. She'd agreed to come because her anger and confusion was compelling her to do so, like something she couldn't ignore or she'd go mad. It was the threat of madness that was driving her. What she didn't know was that Alexander had told Cassian about Max, so she was going in blind on that.

But at least she was going.

Sort of.

When Alexander wriggled his fingers at her, encouraging her to come forth, Brielle gave a sharp sigh and began walking again. Alexander took her by the elbow, opening the door to the tavern and ushering her inside.

At this time of day, it wasn't crowded at all because people were over at the tournament field and the faire, with dozens of food and drink vendors and entertainment to be had. There were a few old men and one serving wench, laughing it up with a man in the corner who kept trying to put his hand up her skirt. It wasn't exactly the kind of place Alexander would have selected for a meeting but, in a sense, it was rather genius because it was so out of the way and private. With everyone over at the tournament, there would hardly be anyone around to hear Cassian's shame and Brielle's lament.

He spied Cassian in the corner.

"Come," he said quietly.

When Brielle saw Cassian, she started to resist, as if she were having second thoughts, but Alexander pulled her over to a table in the corner where Cassian was sitting with his back against the wall, watching the door. There was a pitcher and three cups on the table, but Alexander directed Brielle to a chair and then let her go.

"Sit, Brie," he said quietly, pulling out the chair for her. "I will be over near the door if you need me."

Those words were meant for Cassian, who only had eyes for Brielle. She only had eyes for him. They were staring at each other but no one was moving, not even to sit down. Alexander figured he'd done all that he could with them, so he retreated to a table near the door, far enough away to look like he wasn't listening, but the truth was that he wanted to hear what was said. He could hear quite well from where he was. He also wanted to be close enough should the situation get out of hand.

He wasn't entirely sure that it wouldn't.

When Alexander wandered away, Cassian stopped staring at Brielle long enough to indicate the chair next to her.

"Will you sit, please?" he asked quietly.

He sat down, hoping she would take the hint, but she simply stood there and looked at him. He heard her sigh heavily, as if all of the air had just been drained out of her body and her sense of self-preservation right along with it.

Her guard went down.

"I told you once that I would love you the same now as I would in two years or five years," she muttered. "Time would not change my feelings for you, but that was when I thought you were dead. I was true to you as a dead man, but now that I discover you are alive… Cass, if you wanted to kill my love for you, a love I thought could not be broken, then you could not have done it more ably. If you left me because you were angry with me and you wanted to punish me, then it would have been better had you died."

Cassian gazed up at her, feeling every word like a body blow. A battle had started between them, one that was more painful than it was deadly.

"Sometimes, I thought so, too," he said quietly. "But if you think I left simply to punish you, then you are wrong."

"Then why ? What happened?"

Those were key words, words that demanded truth. Painful words of bewilderment and disappointment. As Cassian looked at Brielle, all he could see was that exquisitely beautiful woman he'd fallen in love with those years ago. He still loved her. Every day, he loved her. But now, he was facing a moment he always knew he would face yet was wholly unprepared for.

Unprepared for the grief it brought with it.

After a moment, he simply shook his head.

"You ask a question to a story that has no ending yet," he said quietly. "If you will sit down, I will tell you everything. I knew I would have to someday. Somehow, I always knew we would have this moment. I did not know where or how, but it is upon us now and I must face it. So must you."

Brielle resisted sitting for a moment longer before finally planting herself in the seat opposite him. She perched on the edge of it, nervously. She'd only just calmed down from having seen him in the midst of all of those women, but as she sat there and looked at him, a deluge of confusion and hurt came raining down on her.

Since there had never been a body when he disappeared, she had always held out hope that he was alive. But finding him living a new life in the midst of a tournament circuit hadn't crossed her mind. She'd always imagined what she would say to him if she ever saw him again, but as she sat there and looked at his handsome face, the words she'd practiced over and over wouldn't come.

Nothing but pain would come.

"My God," she finally breathed. "Here we sit, like strangers. We are not strangers, Cass. From the moment we met, we were like two halves of the same soul that could only be whole when we were together. When you disappeared after leaving for Pelinom, I held out hope for years that you were alive somewhere. I suppose I never truly believed you were dead. Christin thought I was foolish for holding out hope and I suppose I never gave in to her opinion, and here you are. I was right and she was wrong. But now I find myself looking at a man I know, but I also don't know. You have changed so much since last we saw one another and all I can think to ask is why– why did you leave me? Was it because you found someone else you loved better?"

A look of pain rippled across Cassian's face. "Nay," he murmured. "There is no one else I love better. There never has been."

"Then why did you leave me?"

He just looked at her. Then he picked up the pitcher and poured her a measure of the cheap red wine before pouring some for himself. But he didn't drink. He sat there and fingered the cup, pondering her question, and suddenly his eyes began to grow moist.

"I didn't leave you," he said tightly. "I left me ."

"Then you did leave intentionally."

"I did."

"There was no abduction, no being held prisoner somewhere."

"Nay, nothing like that."

"Then what ?"

He took a deep breath for courage. "I have not truly revisited this time in my life since it happened," he said, his voice trembling somewhat. "Seeing you again has brought back my father's death, something I've really not dealt with. I try not to think of him because to think of him reminds me of the last time we saw each other, how I told him I was disappointed in him. How he told me he loved me but I refused to tell him I loved him in return."

Already, Brielle could see the anguish in his features. The Cassian before her was much different in size and age– seasoned and older– but the pain on his face was familiar.

She'd seen it before.

"Cassian…" she began softly. "I…"

He cut her off, but gently. "Brielle, the Cassian you knew was a horrible man," he said. "Selfish, immature, everything my father and your father accused him of being. He was spoiled and only his wants were important. My father told me I needed to grow up and he was right– he was absolutely right. But I could not do that at Lioncross or Pelinom. Do you understand that? You asked me why I left you– it wasn't you I left. I left the old ‘me' behind. That horrible, petty, selfish child who only hurt people. All I had done was hurt you and my father. I hated the Cassian I was. My family hated him. Everybody who knew him hated him and I know you will tell me that you never hated me and I will believe you. But you loved a man who was incredibly unworthy of you."

By this time, the tears in his eyes had started to trickle over and he quickly wiped them away as Brielle sat there in stunned silence. When she sat down to demand an explanation, this was not what she had expected and her fragile heart, so damaged by his departure, began to fracture again at the torment she heard coming from his mouth. It took her back, seven years, to the last conversation they'd had.

There were so many things about Cassian's explanation that rang true.

"You wanted me to run away with you against our fathers' wishes," she said. "I loved you, but I would not go against my father. He did not deserve such disrespect."

Cassian put up a hand of surrender. "I know," he said. "I know that so very well these days but, at the time, I only wanted what I wanted. And I wanted you."

"So I drove you away?"

He shook his head. "Nay," he murmured. "It all came to me after my father's death, how poorly I had treated him. How unworthy I was to be his son. He had loved me unconditionally and I put a price on my love for him– his permission to marry you. I behaved so horribly, something I could never make amends for. I know he must have told my mother. They were very close, you know, and as I was heading home, I knew I could not tolerate seeing her anger towards me in her eyes. I couldn't face her animosity. And you… you showed character and grace in a situation where I showed none at all. Brielle, try to understand… I was not worthy of you. I was not worthy of the people who loved me. It was better if I just… left… because I simply did not know what else to do."

So there it was. His reasons for leaving. Brielle sat back in her chair, staring at him for a moment, before reaching for that cup of wine. Her hands were shaking as she took two or three big gulps, trying to come to terms with what he'd told her.

It was not what she had imagined at all.

"Your mother was shattered by your disappearance," she said. "A woman who harbored anger towards you would not have shown the grief she displayed. My father said that she was broken. Your entire family is broken. First your father, then you. Cassian, they are not the same. You must tell them that you are alive and at least let them know you are safe even if you do not wish to be part of their lives any longer."

He looked at her, then. "Is that what you think?" he said. "That I do not wish to be part of their lives? Or part of your life? Do you not see how unworthy I am, Brielle? Do you not see the sins I've committed against people who did nothing to deserve it?"

"And you continue to commit that sin by cutting them out of your life when they have done nothing to deserve it."

It was clear from his expression that he hadn't thought of it that way. A tear trickled from his left eye and he brushed it away.

"I see it as removing the source of their misery," he murmured. "Of your misery."

Brielle sighed faintly as she shook her head. "Nay," she said. "You should have done the responsible thing by facing up to what you considered your failures. Forgiveness can only come from those you've sinned against, or have you managed to find your own sense of peace in the past seven years?"

Cassian was shaking his head even before she finished speaking. "There is no peace," he said, rather gloomily. "Peace is an illusion."

"It is not an illusion when you reconcile with those who love you."

His gaze lingered on her. "You said I killed any love you had for me," he said. "But I will be honest and say I never lost my love for you. I know that sounds extremely trite to say so, given the circumstances, but it is true. I left because I loved you, Brie. I wanted you to find someone worthy of you, but Sherry tells me you never married."

It was Brielle's turn to tear up. She blinked rapidly, trying to stave off the tide that was so close to the surface when it came to Cassian. "A few have tried," she said. "But I could not marry them. I was only ever meant for you, Cassian. There could never be anyone else."

"And the boy? Have you told him that his father is dead?"

Brielle sucked in her breath, a startled sound. "What boy?"

"Our son."

Her eyes widened dramatically as she groped for words. "You know?" she finally said, her voice growing louder. "How do you know?"

Cassian could see that he'd caught her off guard. "I am sorry," he said. "I thought… Sherry told me. You named the boy Max to honor my father."

Brielle bolted to her feet and Cassian right after her. "He had no right to tell you," she said, beginning to weep. "If I wanted you to know, I would have told you."

She started to turn away but he grasped her by the wrists. "Please," he begged. "Please do not go. I did not mean to upset you. But I swear upon my father's grave that had I known you were pregnant, I would have never left you. I am so sorry that you had to go through that alone. God, how you must hate me for that."

Brielle was weeping as she pulled her arms out of his grip, but at least she didn't run. She just stood there, keeping herself out of arm's length.

"I would not have wanted you to remain only because I was carrying your son," she sniffed. "If that was the only thing keeping you by my side, then it was better that you left."

He shook his head. "I did not mean it the way it sounded," he said. "I simply meant… mayhap it would have given me the courage to remain. To marry you and to have children with you… it was all I ever wanted."

"And now?" she said, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. "What do you want now, Cassian? Women following you around, throwing favors at you? I do not think you would be satisfied with one wife, one woman."

He looked wounded. "That is not why I ride the circuit," he said. "None of those things matter. I haven't had a woman in my bed since the last time I was with you. I ride the circuit because it was the only way I could earn a living. It has made me very wealthy and I am not ashamed of that."

She continued to sniffle, eyeing him. "Are you happy here?"

"I am satisfied."

"That is not what I asked."

"I know what you asked."

"Well?"

"What do you want me to say?"

Brielle was emotionally fragile, so much so that his evasive answers were only succeeding in enraging her.

"Nothing," she snapped. "Say nothing. Do nothing. Stay on the tournament circuit and I will return to Lioncross and the love we shared for those years will remain in the past. I do not know what I expected when I came here today, but I suppose understanding and reconciliation were too much to hope for. You left me those years ago for a reason and I will respect that. You will not be troubled by me any longer."

She turned away but he followed. "Brielle, please," he begged softly. "Please do not go. What would you have me say? That I still love you and would do anything to be with you again, like we were always meant to be? Is that what you want to hear from me?"

"Nay!" she shouted. "I do not want to hear anything from you because it is clear that you have your life now and you are satisfied with it, as you have said. If you still loved me and wanted to reconcile, you would have sent word to me before now, so I do not expect any such sentiment from you. You made your position quite clear when you went off and left me, so I shall respect your wishes. I wish you a good life, Cassian de Velt. You will not hear from me again."

He was still following her. "Do not leave," he said, pleading. "I have not sent word to you before now because I had assumed you were married with children. How would it be for me to send you word like a bolt from heaven, unexpected and shattering. How would it be for me to apologize for what I did and ask that we could reconcile? I ruined your life once. I would not do it again."

Brielle was sobbing openly by now, throwing open the door and charging out into the daylight beyond. Cassian stood at the door, distraught, as Alexander rose from his chair and went to stand next to him. Together, they watched Brielle run away as fast as she could go. Cassian put his hand over his mouth in a gesture of despair.

"I did not mean to upset her so," he said, a lump in his throat. "I had hoped… God, I don't know what I had hoped. But watching her run off in tears wasn't what I wanted."

Alexander had heard everything. There were so few people in the tavern at that time of day that their voices had carried and he had heard a very sad tale from Cassian, certainly not what he had expected.

Sad and tragic.

"This is not the end," he said after a moment. "Give her time to calm herself and you can try again if you wish. But it seems to me that you told her everything you needed to tell her."

Cassian looked at him. "You heard me?"

"Every word."

Cassian sighed heavily, his hand coming away from his mouth. "It was true, all of it," he said. "What do I want? I suppose that I always knew I would see her again, someday. I simply did not know when. Or how. But Brielle is as much a part of my heart and soul as she has always been. There will never be another woman for me, ever."

Alexander did something uncharacteristic at that moment; he put a hand on Cassian's big shoulder.

"And there will never be another man for her," he said again. "Cass, I vowed that if I did not like your explanation of where you had been for the past seven years, then I was going to punish you personally. But after what I heard, I cannot find the strength to do it. You were young and you made a terrible decision, one you are now paying for. While I understand your logic for doing what you did, it was not the right thing to do. Leaving people you love never is, not even if you think they'll be better off without you."

Cassian tried not to look too wounded or too scolded. "You were not in my shoes, Sherry."

"Nay, I was not," Alexander said. "But I speak from experience. Many years ago in The Levant, I watched my two younger brothers die in battle. I was so guilt-ridden that I never went home to face my father with what had happened, convinced he would hate me. I was convinced he would blame me for everything, so I simply never went back because I was certain he would be better off without me. When I finally summoned the courage to return, I discovered that my father had remarried in the years I was gone and he'd had another son, one he'd named Alexander. After me, because he thought I was dead. Can you imagine how I felt upon discovering that? Guilt for an entirely new reason. But even so, returning home told me one thing– that my father never blamed me. He never stopped loving me. Do not make the same mistake I did, Cass. Do not wait to reconcile until it is too late. You will hate yourself if you do."

With that, he headed out of the tavern, following Brielle's path through the street. Cassian watched him go, letting the man's words wash over him like a salve. Alexander had suffered through much the same thing Cassian had and he'd never even known it.

Perhaps he was right.

Leaving people you love is never the right thing to do.

He'd certainly given Cassian much to think on.