34. Matthias

34

MATTHIAS

T he hug surprised me, but it was probably the best hug of my life. I clung to Ciaran, desperate for his touch, his assurances, his affection.

Having Ciaran in my arms was a dream. It didn't take long for my lips to find his. I pulled him into me, my arms circling him before I cupped the back of his head to deepen the kiss.

Ciaran let out a soft moan when my tongue slid into his mouth, which made other parts of me heat up.

Pressed against me, Ciaran's hips rocked into mine, and I felt it the second his cock thickened. I desperately wanted to spend the night getting to know every inch of his body. I wanted to know his likes and dislikes. I wanted to count his freckles. I wanted to be the person he discovered things with. I had a nervous pinch in my stomach because I wanted to kiss his fingertips, which was so random. I'd never, ever wanted to do that to anyone. Would Ciaran think it strange?

But that couldn't happen now. Not with us needing to meet Joan's contact. We'd have to get going soon. I was on the fence if Ciaran should come along or not. Leaving him out of it felt wrong, but I didn't want him to get hurt. But, more than that, I didn't want him to develop a less-than-favorable opinion of me.

I smiled against his lips. "I wish we could continue this line of discussion," I said, trailing kisses down to his jaw. Ciaran tilted his head, exposing his neck, which begged to be licked and sucked, but in an effort to be a good boy, I restrained myself. "Unfortunately, we need to get changed. Joan's contact wants to meet tonight."

Ciaran reluctantly pulled back. He was alert, his face open. I read understanding in his eyes. I think we both knew that jumping into a physical relationship wasn't the smartest thing right now.

"Can we talk about what happened tonight?" Ciaran asked. He flicked his gaze to the closet. "It was intense and, if I'm being honest, unexpected. I thought you…"

"Were in a relationship?" I finished for him.

We stepped into the closet to tidy the rumpled clothing on the floor. I'd never look at my closet the same again.

Ciaran let out a shaky laugh.

"Well, yeah, that , but I was going to say I thought you hated me."

I grabbed jeans, a T-shirt, and a sweatshirt from inside the closet and tossed them on the bed. Ciaran was still in his swim trunks but he was wearing one of my shirts. Possessive pride filled my chest. It wasn't something I'd say out loud, at least not yet, but I liked Ciaran wearing my clothing. It made me feel closer to him.

"I don't hate you," I said firmly. "Far from it, Ciaran. Like you, I don't want to rush into anything." I sat on the bed and he plopped down beside me. "My previous relationships, if you can call them that, were rushed and sloppy and usually left me feeling like shit."

Ciaran rubbed my lower back. I liked his reassurance.

"So you and Zoey…?" He trailed off as he shifted to face me. "You said it was not a real relationship. I got the sense you were ‘dating' Zoey so that her dad would help you get to the National championships." He used air quotes around the word "dating." His voice was wary when he added, "I guess I don't understand what that was all about. If you're such a great swimmer, why agree at all, especially if you aren't interested in her?"

"It's a long story and it might be easier if the three of us tell you."

"Three of us?"

"Me, Joan, and Filipe. They, unwittingly, played a part in the situation. I'll let them tell you when we drive out tonight, but in short, Coach Anderson has been blackmailing me."

"What?" Ciaran's voice went cold and his eyes narrowed into black chips. I'd seen him agitated before. I'd even seen him angry at me. But this was something else. Ciaran was livid. "Please tell me I misheard. Your swim coach is blackmailing you? Why?"

Revealing my dark secrets to Ciaran was not easy, but he deserved to know the real me. Filipe and Joan would reveal more, and I wouldn't dissuade them from doing so, but for tonight's purposes, I planned to only reveal the basics. Joan would be only too happy to go into the sordid parts of the story.

"Coach Anderson caught me snorting cocaine a few months ago."

Ciaran blinked a few times. He was not expecting that.

"Whoa," he said, and I wasn't sure what that meant. Whoa, like I can't believe you did that, Matty , or Whoa, your coach is a dick for blackmailing you for something as harmless as a line of cocaine .

I didn't ask him to elaborate. "He could have reported me to USA Swimming, which would make me ineligible to compete in any swim competition. I would have been kicked off USC's roster. Plus, with the US Olympic Swim Trials coming up in a few months, I'd be barred from entering the trials."

"And it's not like you can try again next year," Ciaran said helpfully. He understood the world of swimming. "Not with Olympic Trials occurring only every four years."

"Exactly. Coach Anderson said he'd keep my transgression under wraps if I helped him out. Zoey needs introductions and I was born into a world full of connections. I agreed on the spot."

"I think I understand," Ciaran said. "If you're ‘dating' Zoey, then introducing her to your friends and acquaintances is a completely natural occurrence, versus a manufactured introduction. Zoey goes with you to premieres, parties, and gets her name in the media. It's an almost perfect setup."

"Bingo." I took a deep breath. "I'm not perfect, Ciaran. I've done drugs. I've drank myself into oblivion, with no clue what I did the night prior. I've hooked up with enough people—men and women—to know I use sex as a coping mechanism. I am trying to clean up my act. I want you to know that I haven't done anything that egregious since then."

Ciaran studied me.

"I believe you." Ciaran took my hand. "Thanks for telling me. I know it wasn't easy. I don't know if my opinion matters, but I think you should keep your deal with Coach Anderson in place until another option presents itself. Zoey doesn't seem like a monster." With a shy smile he added, "And I can't say I'm eager to see her on your arm—I'm jealous just thinking about it—but considering she agreed to the deal as well, she's probably gotten in deep, like you."

Ciaran's kindness blew me away. He was considering Zoey's feelings in the matter, something I hadn't.

"Your opinion matters a lot," I said. "And it's a good idea."

"Also," he added quickly, as if he needed to blurt out something unpleasant and wanted to get it over with. "I think we" —he motioned between us—"should go very, very slow, Matty. I like you and I'm interested in seeing where we take this, but…"

"But…?" I asked. I had an idea of where he was going with this and he wasn't wrong to voice it. I wanted to pull away from him, to go stand in another part of my room, to give him space. Ciaran held my hand fast. He wasn't letting me go and that gave me all the reassurance I needed to hear the rest of his statement. "Is it Drew?"

Ciaran jerked his head slightly, as if he'd forgotten entirely about Drew. "No, not Drew, but I'm glad you mentioned him. He and I are not together, either, but there is some baggage I will need to work through."

"Okay, I can understand that. I'm here if you want to talk about it, but I won't press for details unless you want to discuss it."

"Thanks, Matty. What I was going to say was this…" He took another fortifying breath. "I don't want to be someone you're intimate with just so you can mask the other problems in your life. Like I said, I like you a lot and I want to be with you and explore this. I want to be here to help you through everything. But, I want to get to know you before things get hot and heavy." He gave me that shy smile again. "So it might be smart if we set boundaries now."

"I'm listening."

"I'm okay with kissing and above-the-waist touches. Does that sound fair?"

Easy? No . But fair ? Yes. Ciaran was throwing me a lifeline and I wanted him to be comfortable.

"More than fair," I said. Leaning in, I brushed my lips across his. "It's more than I deserve."

"Well, don't get all honorable on me, Matthias Vaulteneau," Ciaran said with a carefree laugh. "They don't have to be chaste kisses."

I growled into his mouth to deepen the kiss and he reciprocated without a second thought. God why did he feel so good? So right?

Pulling back, I said, "You are going to kill me, Ciaran." I glanced at the clock. Time was advancing too fast. "We should get dressed. We need to meet Joan and Filipe shortly."