10. Lee Has a Terrible Night

Chapter ten

Lee Has a Terrible Night

I woke up again, and the room was spinning a little less. I wobbled my way into the bathroom and took care of urgent business before going right back to bed. But it was an empty bed. Where was Danny?

Laying quietly, I listened for him. Sure enough, he was in the living room. But. But. He was crying.

Fuck my life.

He was probably pissed that I got drunk at his company party, and really, I couldn’t blame him. But crying? Maybe he’d drank too much too. I didn’t know. I rolled over. My head hurt too much to think. I wasn’t in a good place to talk to Danny. And what the fuck was I going to say? I fucked up. My eyelids felt like they weighed a thousand pounds. We would have to figure this shit out in the morning…

Sitting alone on the couch. The house was dark. This was my childhood home. Once, it had been filled with love and joy, and at this time of year, Christmas lights and a huge tree with gobs of presents tucked under it. But now? Nothing.

Mom had been gone two years, and Leo had left last year to go to college. My big brother with big dreams, and I was happy for him, truly. But today, I was alone and missing him and Fanny. She wasn’t around either. She’d gone to her boyfriend’s house for the holiday. They were a weird family, but they loved my sister. Too religious for me, which was surprising. It wasn’t what I would have picked for her, but all I really cared about was her happiness. We hadn’t been raised in church, but that didn’t mean we didn’t believe. So?

So that left me sitting here wondering where my father was on Christmas Eve. The big grandfather clock in the foyer struck one. Christmas Morning. Dad wasn’t here. And why would he come home? It was only me. No Leo. No Fanny. No Mom.

A part of me was still angry at her. Two whole years later. She died. She didn’t choose to leave us. But she was gone all the same. Leaving me to figure out my life on my own. Fanny would marry her fundamentalist Christian boyfriend. Leo would go on to have a career in marketing. And dad? Slowly withered away and shut himself off from the family. But that was the future. I didn’t know any of that back then, sitting alone on that couch.

I’d heated up microwave burritos. They were like eating dog food wrapped in a rubbery tortilla that was crusty around the edges because the microwave had dried it out. I ate about half of it, then threw it in the garbage.

Leaving the lights off made it feel better. Or worse. I couldn’t decide.

The clock struck two. Dad still wasn’t home. Where was he?

Dad was a business lawyer at a large corporation and dedicated to work but always had time for family. He had always been there for us. Whatever that there meant. Helping with homework. Giving advice. Making pancakes on a Sunday morning. Hanging up the lights on the Christmas tree. Until.

After Mom died, everything changed. It wasn’t a slow, gradual change either. It was sharp—abrupt. He stopped communicating. The funeral was put together by Aunt Freda because Dad was not functioning. After that, he stayed in bed. A lot. He was either at work, or in bed, or…out at a bar, maybe? He came home smelling like alcohol and shuffling his feet, head hung. And it looked like tonight—Christmas—he wasn’t coming home at all.

The clock struck three.

I sat there on the couch in the dark. The shadows creeping around the ceiling. Alone.

My chest ached.

A voice in my head said, “Remember. Remember this day. The loneliness, the hopelessness. This was the day you truly ended your relationship with your father. You don’t even know where he is now. Only assuming your siblings will call if anything bad happens, but will they? You don’t talk to them either.”

“Shut up. That’s not my fault.”

“But you didn’t try at all. One phone call would go a long way. But you’re stubborn. Because they hurt you. On this day.” No lights, no tree. This wasn’t Christmas.

They had left me alone. “I can’t argue with that. They hurt me. They forgot me.”

“But what about Danny?”

I didn’t have an answer to that. I had been pushing him away. I had been doing exactly what my father had done. Why?

What about Danny?

You are going to be all alone without him. Back on this couch.

“Lee!”

The scream woke me, and I sat bolt upright in bed. I’d never thought about what bolt upright meant, but that was it exactly. That voice calling my name had come from outside that dream—I would swear it. In that last moment, I knew I was dreaming, and that voice had come from…

I looked around. Rubbed my face. Danny was no longer crying.

I got my sorry ass out of bed and went down the short hallway to the living room. It was empty. The Christmas lights had been turned off. Everything was dark.

I sat on the couch. Alone. Danny had left.

And I couldn’t blame him.