Chapter 13

13

SERENA

I t feels like I'm dying—like this secret is burning me from the inside like a corrosive acid. I want to break into tears every time he's nice to me, which is often. I can't keep the secret hidden for much longer. Time marches on, and it will start to be obvious. The last thing I should be doing is changing my mind and trying to hold on to Jack.

He loves me.

What am I supposed to do with that? It's impossible. We can't be together long term. He has a life that celebrates his community and extended family, tight knit and loyal, who happen to make a living in violence and fear. I don't fit in there and never will.

He told me that he loves me.

When Jack said those words, I wanted to scream, howl, climb up on the roof or something. It was an odd combination of joy and regret. Of excitement and doom. It can never work.

Like it or not, I know how this is going to turn out. My father will lie and say he's quit, that he goes to meetings. He'll hide it from me for a while, until the next bad losing streak. Eventually it will be more than I can handle, and then he'll lose the house. I'll pay for some crappy apartment and give him the bedroom. I'll work two jobs and sleep on the couch. He'll act like he's looking for work when really, he'll just fall deeper. More betting, more desperation, probably more drinking. It will end badly. I'll be thirty and still trying to finish nursing school and hoping I can graduate before my credits expire. I'll be waiting for my life to begin, and it never will because I'll throw it all away just trying to prop up my dad on his downward spiral.

I wish, not for the first time, that I had a brother or sister. Someone to share the responsibility, both the dilemma and the grief. Another person who had the same impossible knot of gratitude, guilt, disgust, and love tangled up together.

Or, better yet, I wish I could be the callous type of person that just didn't give a shit. The type of person who could walk away and let my dad suffer for his own shitty choices. But that's not me. It never will be and I know that.

For the first time since we lost my mom, I'm not alone. It isn't Jack Marino either, although it's because of him. I'm carrying his child. Our baby.

Even though nothing could make this a sensible decision, I knew my choice before I so much as considered any other path. The stir of his baby inside me is like a tiny candle, the flame flickering and waving in every breath of air, fragile and bright. My child, the baby we made together.

Whether I was a fling for a good time or a love affair for the ages, none of that matters compared to this pregnancy. I am going to be a mom, and every cell in my body feels a primal connection to the miniscule heartbeat inside me. I know without one shadow of a doubt, that I will protect this baby with my last breath.

Two lines in the window of a plastic stick change everything I ever wanted. I could put off being a mom in theory, when it was only an idea. Now it is a reality and it is instantly transformative, a sudden avalanche of feeling that brings tears to my eyes.

Did my mom feel like this when she was pregnant with me? Like I was the only thing she ever wanted in the entire world? The promise of this baby is everything to me all at once. Love like nothing I fathomed fills me up like light.

My phone rings and there he is. Jack calls me, and I answer, swallow hard and remind myself not to tell him. I can't yet, not till I have my bearings and know what I want to do. He'd marry me. In one second, maybe less. If he knows I'm having his child, I'd be a Marino missus before I finish my sentence.

"Are you busy at four?" he asks.

"No, what are we doing?"

"We're going back to class," he says, a little mischievous.

"More yoga?" I ask.

"Don't get your hopes up. This doesn't involve barnyard animals of any kind."

"Oh. Well, you're not doing the best job of convincing me to go," I say.

"My assistant is going to send a car for you. Are you home?"

"I will be by then," I say.

"I'll meet you there at four. I'd pick you up myself but I've got a meeting."

"Okay. What should I wear?"

"My assistant will have everything you need."

"Okay. See you soon."

"Hey, Serena," he says, faltering just as I'm about to hang up.

"Yeah?"

"I miss you."

I smile. "I miss you, too."

A bubble of excitement rises in me because I'll see him later. I have to tell myself to calm down, and don't get too excited. I have a baby to think of now and my decisions have to be smarter and less impulsive. I look up the best vitamins and exercise for pregnant women in the first trimester and make some notes, a shopping list. Then I do some laundry before I flat iron my hair and put on make-up. I'm ready way too early, giddy and a little queasy, possibly because I didn't feel like eating lunch.

When the car pulls up to my house, it's not the dark Town Car I expect. It's Jack himself, driving his car. My heart leaps, a grin blooms on my face.

What is he up to?