Chapter 30

THIRTY

I was half-lying on top of Wilson. His fingers were combing through my hair, both of us relaxed and still naked.

Perhaps this wasn’t the best time but with the reunion out of the way there were a few things we needed to talk about. And for once I was taking my grandmother’s advice. The night I’d procrastinated I was taken from an airport and held hostage.

Not that one thing had to do with the other but if that wasn’t a good reminder to never put off what needs to be said, I didn’t know what was.

“Do you have a few minutes to talk before you need to get ready for work?”

“I have more than a few minutes.”

Right.

He was the boss.

Since he’d left Vegas we’d talked a lot. But all of those conversations centered around my abduction. It was strange; I thought I would’ve been afraid to be alone after what happened. But it had been the opposite. After all the fear of being held hostage and the terror of the night of my rescue, something inside of me had shifted. There had been this overwhelming urge to take my power back, to prove to myself I wasn’t going to live in a bubble of ‘what could happen.’ There were a few reasons I’d sent Wilson home—that was one of them. That didn’t mean I wasn’t scared the first few nights I spent alone, but even though there was physical distance between us Wilson had guided me through my fear.

But none of those conversations touched on what had happened in his hotel room.

“Princess,” he prompted.

“We need to talk about what happened in Vegas.”

His body turned solid under me and his hand in my hair stilled.

I started to lift my cheek off his chest but my attempt was thwarted by his hand sliding out of my hair and moving to the back of my head.

“I was out of line,” he admitted.

He had been but I was interested in why he’d chosen that morning, that moment, to push me away.

“I don’t need you to apologize. I need to understand what happened.”

“I woke up that morning next to you. My first thought was I could wake up next to you for the rest of my life and have everything I’d ever want.”

His hand resumed stroking—up and down my back.

“I woke up that morning happy,” I whispered. “I laid there watching you sleep, trying to remember the last time I was truly happy. I couldn’t remember and that’s when I knew I’d follow you back here if you asked.”

“Then I blew it to shit,” he mumbled.

There was nothing to say to that so I remained quiet, hoping he’d continue.

“I was going to tell you. After the auction. But you walked out and heard my bullshit comment to Asher. I saw the hurt that caused and something inside of me broke. I’d seen that disappointment before on Barb’s face when she’d ask me to leave the Navy and I refused. Everything in my head twisted and I snapped.”

“Why’d she want you to leave the Navy?”

“At the time, I thought she just wasn’t cut out to be a military wife. And I’ll admit back then it pissed me off, because when she married me I was in the Navy and she knew I had no plans of getting out. It was an asshole thing to think—there’s a big difference between knowing your husband will be gone on deployments and actually living through them.”

I could see that. Having your husband gone for months at a time had to be hard.

“But that wasn’t why she wanted you to leave,” I surmised.

“She never gave a reason, but looking back, I think my deployments are what triggered her depression.”

“Wilson—”

“Baby, I’m not saying I was the cause. I’ve thought a lot about it in the last week. Other than figuring out how to fix things with you it’s all I’ve thought about. Barb hid her depression from me. She didn’t have days when she couldn’t get out of bed. She hid it well. What she didn’t hide was her sadness. But…” He paused and blew out a breath. “She wanted kids, and after trying for a few years and not getting pregnant, we tried fertility drugs. She got pregnant but miscarried.”

My heart broke for both of them.

“I’m so sorry, honey.”

“Miscarriage after miscarriage. She never made it past thirteen weeks. After each one she would go into this fog of sadness.”

“Of course she did. That’s devastating.”

It was like I hadn’t spoken when he went on. His voice hoarse and full of grief.

“With each baby we lost a part of me died. I didn’t want to try again but that’s all she wanted and I wanted her to have what she was convinced would make her happy. So the cycle continued until I had nothing left to give her. By then I was working at Homeland, I buried myself in work. It was the only way I could cope. I knew I was facing another lose and that fucking killed me.”

I’d thought my fight would be to help him through the guilt he’d bottled up about his wife. It was clear the real battle would be to see him through the grief of losing his children. Coming into that knowledge tore my heart to shreds. Big, strong Wilson McCray carried an unbearable weight.

“Wilson,” I whispered and nuzzled closer. “I don’t know what to say but I promise we’ll find a way through this.”

“That afternoon in my suite, I knew I loved you. I knew I would give you anything to keep you happy. I knew if you asked me for a family I’d give it to you. I’d go through loss after loss with you until it broke me. Broke you. In that moment, I’d never been so scared in my life. The thought of failing you, watching your pretty eyes dim with sadness, watching you cry, was too much so I thought if I pushed you to leave me I could save both of us.”

This bore contemplation.

I wanted kids.

Maybe not right this second, but in the future. I wanted big family holidays and Sunday dinners. I wanted to run kids to sports practices and drag my butt home at night exhausted from games, and grocery shopping, and school events. I wanted a loud, messy house with kids running amok.

But I wanted Wilson more.

“What are you thinking about, Atlee?”

I traced a line down his chest with my fingertips. If all I had was Wilson, the tradeoff would be worth it. He’d make it worth it. We’d have each other and I knew he’d never let me regret my decision.

“I was just thinking that loving you is the best decision I ever made.”

That was a tiny fib—I hadn’t been thinking that but it was still the God’s honest truth.

With a growl Wilson flipped our positions—his hips fitted between my legs, one elbow to the mattress propping him up, the other cupping my jaw. His blue eyes glittered with so much love my chest caved in.

Oh, yes, loving Wilson would always be enough.

“Hate to break this to you, princess, but you’re a shit liar.”

“What?”

His gaze roamed my face when he said, “I love you.” His eyes paused on mine when he swore, “I promise I will do everything in my power to make sure you always believe loving me is your best decision. But I saw you holding Maverick. I watched you cuddling River’s boy and looking at him like you couldn’t wait to have one of your own.”

Well, damn, wasn’t he perceptive?

“How many kids do you want, princess?”

Uh-oh.

My gaze slid over his shoulder.

“Look at me, Atlee.”

I slid my gaze back.

“I’ve lost a lot in my life, princess. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Some of them big. One of those mistakes was pushing you away. Another was not immediately going after you to fix my screw-up. But from those mistakes I’ve learned.”

I was stuck back on all that Wilson had lost. I hated that for him and I didn’t want to add to his grief by trying for a child.

“A mistake isn’t a mistake if there’s a lesson to be learned,” I whispered something Gram had once told me.

“You were right to send me home. I hated every minute being away from you. I hated not waking up next to you, not being there when you got dressed in the morning for work, not being there to watch you double up on toothpaste.”

Holy Hannah, he really paid attention.

He continued. “I missed touching you, seeing you smile, kissing you, watching you move around a room. I just plain missed everything about you. But I didn’t squander my time. I wanted to be ready for you. I had plenty of work to do before I could be the man you deserved. I did the work, princess. I can’t say there are parts of what happened that would always hurt, but I’m not going to allow guilt, or the past, or any tragedy to stop me from loving you.”

Wilson’s eyes were on the move again. They glided over my face, dipped down to my throat, then stopped on his mark on my neck.

“Here’s a truth for you, princess. If I lost you I’d never recover. There would never be another woman. Not in my bed, not a one-night stand, not in my life in any way.” His eyes flicked back up to mine. “I want babies with you, Atlee. Not because I know you want them. I want them with you. I want to wake up next to you knowing our children are down the hall in their beds. I want to sit with you and watch our children play. I want to be by your side for all life’s ups and downs. I want to hold your hand when you’re sick. I want to celebrate birthdays and anniversaries with you. I want it all.”

I could barely make out Wilson’s face through my watery gaze.

When the first tear fell, he swiped it away.

“Are you going to give me everything, Atlee?”

There was only one answer I could give.

So I gave it.

“Yes.”

“I want to get married soon.”

Again there was only one answer.

“Okay.”

“I’m not young, princess. I want to start making a family soon.”

He said that like he was ancient.

“Men can become fathers in their sixties, Wilson,” I told him.

“Good to know but I’m not waiting ten years. I’d like to play ball with my boys before I need a walker.”

“Well, I have heard practice makes perfect. We could, you know, practice now,” I suggested.

“My princess,” he whispered and moved his hand between us. “So smart,” he groaned and pushed inside of me.

“That’s me, super smart,” I teased on a moan.

“I love you, Atlee.”

His whispered confession was accompanied by a deep thrust that stole my breath.

“Now wrap me up tight, princess. I’m gonna take you hard.”

I wrapped my legs around his back and locked my ankles before my hands slid up his arms and over his shoulders.

When he gave me his weight and shoved his face into my neck I turned to whisper, “Love you, too, honey.”

I felt his teeth at my neck.

There was nothing I could do but lie there and glory in Wilson’s possession.