Chapter 24

October 1973, somewhere in Iowa

Bobby remained behind on his log even after Hannah gave his shoulder a squeeze and agreed to leave him alone. They'd still have a lot to talk about, but for now, he wanted some quiet, and time to reflect on… all of that.

So his sister liked women. That was at least one of them. And she'd meant to have Edgar on her own, he wasn't an accident, and his father hadn't run off like a coward – Hannah hadn't even told him he had a child.

Then he had some questions answered, and new ones too, that he could ask later. If they were staying here for three days, he hoped they'd find the time for another heart to heart. That was if Bill hadn't hitched a hike out of this place. God Bobby hoped he hadn't ruined everything by taking him here…

Well, he couldn't stay hidden in the forest forever. He slapped his thighs and groaned when his knees creaked as he got up. There was no denying that they couldn't replicate their activities of the previous night too often. Bill had bent him over the armrest of the couch and fucked him hard and fast, and it had been oh so good, but he was feeling the burn today. Maybe next time they could switch, he thought to himself with a smile.

He took his time walking back, encountered a few couples making out in the shadows and carefully avoided distracting them. Hannah was nowhere to be seen when he made it back to the car, but the trunk was locked, so she must have come by it again. That left him only with exploring the area, since he couldn't start finding a spot for his tent.

Hope sprang in his chest at the thought of the coming nights. Considering where they were, would there be a chance for Bill to accept pitching one tent instead of the two? He was getting used to waking up in his arms, and the idea of sleeping a few feet apart brought back the lovesick child in him, who spent nights tossing and turning, and trying not to hear the soft sleeping breaths of his friend on the other side of the room.

He shook his head and walked on. He could wonder later about what Bill's hair looked like in the damp of dewy mornings.

The festival was growing packed. A small crowd was now walking back and forth between stands, and music rose from the top of the hill. The smoky smell of grilled sausages mingled with that of the pines behind him, and his stomach growled. Ah, it could wait. He needed to find Bill first.

It turned out harder than he thought to spot a lone middle-aged man in a sea of people who came in all shapes and sizes. He'd never seen such a… wide range of gay people. At least, Hannah hadn't lied when she'd argued the event would be ‘open-minded'. Little shit. She thought she was so clever.

Bobby asked after Bill to a few stand-owners, got offered weed, booze, a wig and several educational pamphlets, but no indication. His legs grew tired but he still went on, determined to find out if he needed to write everything off, or if there was something to fix.

He climbed up, following the music. At the top of the hill, people were sitting in a circle in the grass, some lying flat on their backs, listening to the little assortment of musicians in the middle, playing guitar, drums, and singing. Bobby was half ready to roll back down the hill when he noticed a familiar form amidst the listeners.

His eyes widened when he took in the rest of him. He was still dressed the same, but… His hair had been slicked back with some kind of gel, and his eyebrows covered in white powder to redraw a new, more dramatic pair of them higher on his forehead. But most distracting was the eyeliner and shadow spreading on his lids and near his temples. Shades of mauve, purple, lilac, and from the way the sun reflected on him, some sort of glitter?

Heart thumping with relief, Bobby removed his shoes near where all the others had left theirs, and made his way to sit in the grass behind Bill, who didn't seem to have noticed him.

"Hey handsome," he whispered close to his ear.

Bill jumped and twisted his back to look at him, shoulders relaxing when he recognized him. A second later, he was touching his face, as if remembering he had makeup on, eyes widening, and Bobby didn't waste time reassuring him with a gentle touch to his wrist.

"It looks good."

Bill winced.

"Isn't it a bit ridiculous?"

Bobby shook his head, grinning now that he could spot all the details. There were tiny stars on Bill's eyelids, constellations spreading from his eyes out to his hairline.

"You're gorgeous. And now I have all kinds of thoughts of you in fishnet stockings."

"What kind of thoughts?"

Testing waters, Bobby let his hand drift to Bill's shoulder, and down his back.

"Unholy."

Bill smiled, and their eyes met, with a clear, shared thought in mind. How it would be to kiss now, in broad daylight, surrounded by people who didn't care and were more interested in the music anyway. Bill's eyes fell to Bobby's lips, and for a second, he thought it would happen. He tensed, until Bill looked away and said:

"Later?"

Bobby squeezed his waist. Later. There was no need to rush this. The mere fact that Bill was still here felt like a miracle.

"I thought you would have fled as soon as you had the chance."

Bill shrugged. The light caught on the tiny, fake diamonds glued to his skin, and Bobby had never thought he'd find eyeshadow attractive, but here he was.

"I'm surprising even myself, honestly."

"Well, I'm glad you're still here," Bobby allowed himself to rest his chin on Bill's shoulder.

These little affectionate gestures had become more common, of late. The night before, after he'd thoroughly fucked his brains out and showered, Bill had found him in the kitchen and hugged him from behind while Bobby was putting the dishes away. He hadn't been able to resist leaning his weight backwards to feel himself caught in a solid grasp. A silent reassurance that he wouldn't fall and hurt himself, this time.

Bill didn't push him away today either. Instead, he leaned his head so their temples touched, and Bobby could do nothing but close his eyes at the tenderness of it all.

Hope really was a pesky thing, seeping into the cracks when you weren't looking, until all of a sudden it was all around you and you couldn't stop from wanting more. He thought of a garden. Not like the one he had at home, a bigger one, with space to cultivate tomatoes and herbs. A little table to sit and have late night dinner. And a patch of grass to lay on their backs, holding hands under the stars.

Yeah, hope was a treacherous fucker.

He closed his eyes and let the music carry him, let himself feel the weight of his lover in his arms, not as close as he would have liked, but close enough that his imaginary garden didn't feel impossible yet.

"I think… maybe I am ready for a new life."

Bobby turned over to face him inside the darkness of their tent. Singular. Earlier, they'd planted a first one, and when the time came to unwrap a second, Bill had shrugged and zipped the bag closed again.

So here they were now, cuddled in one sleeping bag that was ridiculously tight for the two of them, but this was the life they should have had, the teenage years they didn't live fully. When other boys were sneaking over to girls' tents in the summer, neither Bill nor Bobby had been able to do what their heart truly desired.

"What do you mean?"

Bobby had helped him get rid of the makeup before they slipped into the tent. Bill shuffled around in the sleeping bag, and reached back for the things he'd abandoned next to the too thin mat that would likely be responsible for a good back ache in the morning. He found the leaflet and closed his fingers around it. He'd fiddled with it for a good hour, before Bobby found him on top of that hill and he'd tucked it away in a pocket, not ready to discuss it yet.

"I learned about this, today," he whispered, and held out the paper to Bobby who took it with a squint.

Stubborn man wasn't wearing his glasses outside of work, despite needing them more and more often. In the darkness, he grabbed their flashlight and turned it on to display the words on the front side of the leaflet.

Commemorating Stonewall.

He saw Bobby's throat bob up and down while he read the first paragraph.

"Yeah, that's…"

"Did you know about this?" Bill asked.

Bobby turned the light off again, and lied back down. Bill soon felt an arm wrapping around his shoulders, pulling until he was propped with his head on Bobby's chest.

"Yeah."

"How did you hear about it? I read the papers, and I've never…"

"Mass media didn't cover it, for the most part. They just… we don't matter as much as football."

The weight of that truth settled heavy on Bill's mind, leaving him silent for a few minutes. What could he possibly answer to that? He'd spent the day in a giddy trance, overjoyed to find out that there was at least one place in the world where he didn't have to fear his truth getting out. Where it didn't have to be a thing that he wanted to hold another man's hand.

"They also told me about… things changing, in other states," Bill continued. "What the protests have been doing, and activism, and… I thought, maybe…"

He took a deep breath, readying himself to spill out the thoughts that had been hogging his mind all day.

"Maybe we could move. Someplace else, where things aren't so scary. I'm sure there's plenty of work for people with our experience."

Bobby was still silent, but he could feel his eyes glued on the side of his face.

"Bill."

With the heavy certainty he was about to be rejected, Bill turned on his side to face the other man. After all, he couldn't hold it against him. It was only fair that Bobby got his revenge on him in the end.

"I don't need you to move any faster."

Bill struggled to make sense of the words, so far removed from the ones he'd been expecting.

"What?"

Bobby sighed and found his hand inside the sleeping bag.

"You don't have to… prove anything to me. I believe you, if you say you want to be with me. And I think… I'm not meaning to sound offensive, but maybe the euphoria of today is getting to you a bit? I understand the high of feeling like you're in the right place, and that anything is possible. But you can't upend your life on a whim, not even for me. You're just starting to have a good relationship with your boys, and…"

Bill squeezed his eyes shut. Bobby was right. All day long, he'd shut the reality of his life out, forgetting about any kind of responsibility and commitment.

"Shit."

"Forgot about them for a second?" Bobby chuckled.

"Yeah. Damn, you're right, I can't just abandon them a second time…"

Bobby squeezed his hand, and linked their fingers, pulling himself closer until he could throw a leg over Bill's own.

"That's what I'm saying. You can find a way to lead the life you want without abandoning them. Just not overnight. So, don't make any promises to me right now. I'd rather we wait a bit than be disappointed if our crazy plans don't work out."

Bill freed his hand so he could hold Bobby's thigh in place, grounded by the solidity of his weight on top of him.

"You're right. Sorry."

"Don't apologize," Bobby breathed against his mouth before pressing a butterfly-soft kiss there. "I'm… so fucking happy that's how you reacted to being here, today. I was so convinced you'd run away at the first sight of it, then you came back in drag makeup and offering to move away together."

"It's a bit much."

"It's good. It's you, never doing anything halfway. You're either doing nothing, or all in. And for years, you did nothing. I think it's expected that the moment you realize you can do more, you'd go a little overboard."

Bill let his hand slide up Bobby's thigh until it reached his waist. The moment was broken by a loud growl coming from between them.

"You hungry?" Bobby laughed.

"Apparently. You think there'll still be food available out there?"

Bobby's eyes glinted with mischief.

"Only one way to find out."

They left their shoes inside the tent.

Bill's eyes were wide with childlike wonder when he first stepped on the dewy grass with bare feet, and Bobby didn't think before reaching out for his hand again. He froze at the first contact of their palms together. Then looked around them. A lot of the festival was asleep, but there were still some lights on in the distance, and voices echoing in the valley.

He checked Bill's face, panic rising inside him. But the moment he was telling himself to let go, he felt Bill's hand close around his. They didn't say anything, then.

In silence, they walked through the tents, navigating their way down to where the stands had been during the day. As Bobby had expected, a few groups of people were smoking pot and cooking sausages on a barbecue. He dug a few bills from his wallet that he'd grabbed before leaving the tent, and was told off for even attempting to pay.

A sixty-something woman with a side shave pulled out two folding chairs for them and instructed them to sit with the rest of the group, then thrust hot dogs in their hands. Bill and Bobby exchanged a sweet smile before letting go of each other to eat.

They found out that none of the people around the circle knew each other beforehand. The day had slowly brought them together until this moment, lit up by the fire of the barbecue – and choked by its smoke – as they shared stories, and a joint. A young black man offered it to them after he'd taken a long puff from it.

In the relative darkness, only interrupted by the flickering of the flame, Bobby checked Bill's expression. He was chewing on his lower lip, examining the ember end of the joint and the extended fingers.

"I've never smoked anything," he confessed in a whisper.

"You don't have to," Bobby provided, desperate for their evening to end well, rather than on some dubious drugs if they could avoid it.

Bill frowned, still not looking at him. "I'll try if you do, too."

This time, Bobby laid a hand on his lover's thigh to get his full attention. Their eyes met, and there was a mischief in Bill's that he hadn't seen there in very long years.

"Are you daring me?" Bobby smiled, and was met with a half-grin from Bill. "Fine," Bobby shrugged, and took the joint from their companion.

It wasn't his first foray into the realm of recreational drugs, but it had been a long time. And weirdly, with Bill back in his life, he'd found that he didn't need much more in terms of entertainment or distractions.

He pursed his lips around the joint and took one deep inhale. Smoke filled his mouth and he coughed, remembering only at the last second to make his lungs work. Laughing, he passed it to Bill who considered it with a puzzled gaze. When he failed to move even after long seconds, Bobby took the joint back with a beating heart, and placed a hand on Bill's jaw.

"Don't move," he instructed, before filling his mouth with smoke again.

Bill stared with dancing honey flecks in his wide eyes when Bobby leaned in and brought their mouths close together. He didn't touch their lips as he blew the smoke out, but felt the way Bill gasped and shivered under his fingers. He pulled back with a grin, and watched Bill discover the taste of pot on his tongue, and the sensation of it filling his airways.

He smacked his lips with an uncertain pout.

"Water?" Bobby offered.

"Please."

Bill got rid of the joint with the next person in the circle, and eagerly accepted a drink, washing down the taste. Bobby, for his part, relaxed his legs out front, bringing his feet close to the rocky edge of the bonfire. His eyes drifted to the sky above them, and the last remaining traces of sunlight. The top of the trees were basking in pinkish hues and flocks of birds flew overhead, settling in for the night.

"Oh," Bill whispered next to him.

"Is it hitting already?"

Bill was looking at his hands, and really, he hadn't taken that much of the joint but if he'd never tried it before, he was bound to notice even the minor effects.

"Just relax," Bobby slurred, reaching a hand out and finding Bill's fingers willingly meshing with his.

Soon, his back felt made of water and he thought of himself like a cat, how Poppy could sometimes slot himself into impossible spaces and bend his spine clean in two. It could be convenient, if he'd suddenly become more flexible, and he thought of all the things they could get up to with Bill bending him in half.

He lost track of time, tracing patterns on the inside of Bill's wrist and letting his mind drift off to remember all the filthy things they'd done so far, and the ones he still wanted to do. The rest of the group didn't pay them any mind, too busy being even more stoned.

He wasn't sure how they made it back to their tent. One moment they were nice and warm in front of the fire, the next, he was barefoot in wet grass, shivering.

"Think we should get inside?" Bill asked, as serious as if the question was one he'd answered in one of his books.

Bobby stepped closer until he could caress Bill's cheeks and whisper:

"You know, it's really hot that you're so smart."

Bill laughed, pupils wide and lips parted.

"I'm not always the smartest."

"Well no, it would be unfair."

Bill shook his head and closed in for a kiss. When they were interrupted by Bobby's teeth clacking from the cold, they hurriedly got into the tent and wiggled into one sleeping bag, nestling close together.

Peace and quiet finally fell around them, blanketing them in soft warmth.

Oddly enough, after everything that had happened during the day, it was the darkness that brought Bobby some clarity. It dawned on him so fast he forgot how to breathe.

Bill was warm and soft against him, more comfortable to hold than he'd been when they were younger and it hit, then, that Bobby would never want someone else. Not quite like this.

He rolled onto his side.

"Bill…"

A cold hand was pressed to his mouth, cutting off the next words. Bill was a shadow against the moonlight, hovering above him, and even if you'd told him to brace himself, Bobby wouldn't have been ready for what came next.

"I love you."

Did Bill feel the tremble of his mouth beneath his palm? He kept it there for a few more seconds, before returning to his position at Bobby's side.

"Sorry," Bill whispered. "I just… I wanted to say it first so you didn't think I was just answering you."

Bobby's throat was too tight for anything but humor.

"What made you think that's what I was gonna say?"

Bill gave a snotty little wriggle of his nose.

"I know I'm clueless, but not that much."

He was too far away now, and Bobby reached an arm out to pull him in by the nape, until he was delightfully crushed into their terrible sleeping mat by Bill's weight, and he crushed their mouths together, too.

Their kiss was interrupted by laughter when loud moaning erupted from a nearby tent.

Feeling Bill"s chest shaking with joy was still so novel that Bobby pressed his hands on the other man's flanks to enjoy it better.

"I guess someone else is in love tonight," Bill chuckled.

"Please, we both know you don't need to be in love to fuck."

Bill hummed, and Bobby knew they were both thinking of someone in particular. Or several someones, for Bobby. And that's when he realized he hadn't actually said it.

"I do. Love you, too."

Bill's laughter quieted under his fingers, and he squeezed him tighter to feel his breath stutter.

"And that's why…" Bobby pushed forward despite his voice breaking, "I don't mind waiting. Cause it's never been like that with anyone else, for me. And I know that's not the case for you, and it's okay, I just… never let myself feel that for other people. And I don't think I could again."

He blinked away the fine layer of tears that was gathering at the corner of his eyes.

"It's you. Probably always has been, and… I won't push you away, or force you to anything. As long as you don't pull another shit like last time, I'm staying."

Fingertips ghosted over his cheek, and down to his lips where they stopped.

"I wasn't lying earlier, Bobby. I think I am… ready for a change. You're right though, it's not something I can rush into, and there'd be a lot to figure out… but coming here has given me… hope, I guess, that I don't have to be miserable through the rest of my life?"

Bobby reached out to hold his hand properly, kissing the back of his knuckles as he kept on speaking.

"I'm still too scared to be like this out in the open. But I don't want to be away from you either."

"We'll find a way," Bobby said against the back of Bill's hand, before pulling him in for a hug again.

Next to them, the moans got higher until they turned into screams and both men dissolved into another fit of giggles.

"Too bad I'm too wrung-out to imitate them," Bill said.

"Be careful, it's dangerous when you say things like that out loud," Bobby shivered.

Seeing Bill grow confident was certainly doing something for him. He got a kiss on the forehead for his troubles.

"Let's see in the morning when I've slept off… all of today."

Bobby chuckled, and burrowed further into their embrace.

"It was a lot, wasn't it?"

"Fucking… too much. But don't be hard on your sister. It's… not a bad thing we came here after all."

Bobby drew a caressing hand across his lover's belly, to settle it on his favorite spot and fondle a love-handle.

"I know she had good intentions," he sighed. "I just don't like being tricked into things, especially… this. I don't think she understands the stakes for us. I've already lost a job to it once, it could jeopardize both our careers…"

"Shh, don't… I don't want to think about that right now."

The sex noises finally died down, and they exhaled a sigh of relief.

"Glad that's over."

"Don't talk too soon," Bobby laughed.

When the silence carried on for a while, he brought his lips close to Bill's ears and offered:

"Wanna look at the stars a bit?"

They rearranged themselves until they'd turned the sleeping bag around so they could poke only their heads out of the tent.

"Well, that's disappointing," Bill mumbled.

A fine layer of clouds had crept over them after nightfall, and there were no stars to be seen at all. Bobby dropped a kiss in his neck, just for the sake of it. Just because he could.

"It's okay, let's sleep. We can stargaze or… do other things in the early morning."

They snuggled close together, much closer than they did in their beds when they were at one another's place, and Bobby fell asleep with a hand on Bill's heart.