Chapter 13

We kissed,light and sweet, and then, I held him until, at last, I had to go home on. The warmth of Kenji"s embrace lingered in my mind long after we parted ways, leaving me feeling buoyant and content. It was one of those rare moments where everything felt right in the world, where worries and fears melted away in the presence of someone you cared deeply about.

As I got a cab to my car, then headed home, I felt lighter, my heart fuller.

Boyfriends.

The roads were quiet, and when I parked on the drive, even if there were elephants walking the sidewalks, I wouldn't have noticed, my mind consumed by thoughts of Kenji. His laughter echoed in my ears, his smile etched into my memory, and the way I'd found him and how he'd turned to me was everything.

Boyfriends.

I walked into the house to the sound of Dad yelling at a west coast hockey game on TV. Normally, his outbursts grated on my nerves and put me on edge, but tonight, they were nothing more than background noise. My mind was still in the clouds, basking in the warmth of Kenji"s affection.

Even when Dad"s attention turned to me, his words dripping with frustration and disappointment about something else I probably hadn't done, I couldn"t bring myself to care. The weight of his expectations felt tiny compared to the happiness I felt with Kenji. For once, dad's disapproval couldn"t touch me. I couldn't think about any negatives at all, and I was smiling up until I fell asleep.

My boyfriend.

Only when I woke up to the sound of my alarm did the closet loom large, its walls closing in around me with each moment, and all the happy thoughts were shoved to one side. Kenji was out, and bright, and secure, and I was hidden away. He might want me to be his boyfriend now, but what about when he tried to hold my hand, or just freaking looked at me the wrong way? What then? He deserved more. He deserved what Soren and Felix had, what Jonah and Tyler had, he deserved someone to love him without all the baggage. Then, the dread started, a familiar feeling less about Kenji and how I was going to end up hurting him, and more about facing another day trapped and pretending.

My phone buzzed as I pulled on my Coyotes T-shirt, and I fell on it like a lion on a kill when I saw it was Kenji.

Kenji: Good morning, boyfriend.

Kenji: I can feel you freaking out from here x

Kenji: We can take things slow, just be friends if that"s easier for you.

Kenji: Do you want to be friends?

Kenji: Maybe not.

Kenji: I don't want to mess up your life.

I watchedas the messages came in, one after the other, and then dancing dots… what else was he going to type? Mess up my life? Was he freaking out as much as me?

I typed a message.

Shaun: Meet me in the locker room in 30 xxxx

I senta whole load of kisses, just so he'd know everything was okay. The dots danced some more from him, and I could imagine Kenji backspacing and thinking, but by the time I'd left the house, a simple message came through.

Kenji: OK xxxx

Kenji was being so understanding,so supportive. But hearing him talk about waiting for me, it was like a punch to the gut. He shouldn"t have to worry about how I felt or wait for me to figure things out. I should have been able to give him what he deserved, but I was stuck in this damn closet. It wasn't fair to him, or to us.

So, what did I do?

I parked the car next to Kenji's Jetta, then jogged into the locker room and burst in like I was some kind of action hero, causing Kenji to jump a mile and clutch his chest. He was already dressed to go out on the ice—this time in a pale pink T-shirt over his leggings, skate guards on, even with his skates on he was still shorter than me. I picked him up and swung him in a circle, hearing his squeak of protest. I held him there, then stepped back until his skates were on the low bench, which made us closer in height.

"Hey, boyfriend," I whispered.

He locked his hands behind my neck and gave me the sweetest smile. "Hey back," he said and wrinkled his nose, which was so cute I slipped one of my hands up to cradle his cheek, thumbing at his cheek bone, and then, stole a soft kiss.

He sighed into the kiss, and I traced his lips with the tip of my tongue, just wanting more of a taste, and the sigh became a cautious touch of his tongue to me. I'd kissed girls before, hurried, darting tongues, and the overwhelming scent of perfume, but this was different. All I could smell was shower gel, and Kenji, and the ice beyond the doors. Perfect. It was on him to deepen the kiss—I hadn't seen him with a boyfriend, and maybe he needed to go slow, or maybe he'd had boys kiss him, and this was nothing new.

My boyfriend.

He tangled his hands in my hair, and pressed against me, his kiss so sweet, his hold on me strong, and then, we were kissing as though we didn't need to breathe. For ages we stood there, wrapped around each other, and the taste of him was intoxicating. A loud bang beyond the locker rooms was enough to startle us apart, and he was smiling, his lips damp, and his eyes half closed.

"Good morning," he whispered as I helped him down off the bench. He tugged his T-shirt down, no room in those pants to hide anything, then sent me a smile. "Boyfriend."

I grinned at him, not caring that I was going to be late out on the ice and the bang had been my dad arriving, and fuck, the shit I'd be in…

"Have a good practice, boyfriend," I murmured back.

"You too."

He almost made it to the door. "Kenji?" I called, and he glanced over his shoulder.

"Yeah?"

"Land those jumps for me?"

He winked then. "Always."

I dressed for the ice, and by the time I was out there, Kenji was working on jumps and Dad was red-faced and pacing up our end. As soon as he saw me, he went dead still, and as I skated over to him, I felt the anger even before he began to speak, and I set about starting my stretches. Practice was tough, the worst so far, probably due to my late night and Dad's constant haranguing, and it was worse when Kenji left the ice, Ilya close behind, leaving me all on my own with Dad.

"You're slow!"

I pushed harder, but Dad didn't stop.

"That fairy beat you out on the ice! That's dedication, and he's doing a girl's sport, hell, it's not even a sport, and he still beat you out here!" He said for my ears only and pointed at Kenji. "Twirly Girl was practicing while you were still tying up your damn skates."

I stiffened. "What did you say?" I asked.

He acted as if I were asking him to repeat himself. "Twirly Girl over there?—"

"No." I snapped. I couldn"t take it anymore. The constant scrutiny, the overbearing presence—it was suffocating. I turned to him, my voice trembling with frustration, and fuck, was I going to cry?

"Who do you think you"re talking to?"

"Stop!" I yelled; my words laced with defiance.

His eyebrows furrowed as he struggled to maintain his composure. I didn't answer back, I was all about keeping things on the level, ignoring the man who wanted me to achieve what he hadn't been able to. I was done. I was suffocating with it.

"Excuse me?" Dad"s knuckles turned white as he clenched his fists, his temper simmering just below the surface. But I was done today—just done with tiptoeing around him.

I squared my shoulders, meeting Dad's gaze head-on. "I don"t want you here in the mornings with me anymore," I declared, the words tumbling out before I could stop them. "You're a bigoted, misogynistic, hateful loser, and I don't want you here!"

Dad"s expression darkened, and I knew he was this close to jumping the barrier and… god knows what he'd do, because I'd never pushed back. I'd never felt as if I deserved to be something other than someone who owed his dad for the early mornings, and for buying my kit, but something had changed in his hatred of what Kenji was.

Twirly girl. Nothing. No one.

"Get off the ice!" Dad roared, and I slid back at the power of it, knowing Kenji and Ilya would have heard that.

Something in me broke. "You don't get to call Kenji anything derogatory again."

"I'll call it what I want."

That was the moment I snapped. I could feel the ice under my skates, and the hardness in my belly, but I couldn't stop.

"No." I skated up to the barrier. He could reach me if he wanted. He could lean over and hurt me, but it would be the first time he laid hands on me, and the last, and I was done with his hateful words.

Kenji's friendship meant something to me, and I needed to be honest with myself and own my truth. I had to before it destroyed me, and what I wanted with Kenji. This was for holding his hand, for kissing him, for shuffling up next to him at the noodle shop and holding him close. This was for friendship that had nearly been broken, and for all the things I'd kept quiet.

"Leave Kenji alone."

"That fairy, Jesus, next thing I know you'll be wrapping your stick in pride tape?—"

"I'm bisexual!" The words hung heavy in the air, tension crackling between us like electricity. I braced myself for his reaction, unsure of what to expect, but not surprised when he reared back from me, anger replaced by shock as if I'd knifed him in the chest. His face twisted into a mask of fury and disbelief. His eyes narrowed; his lips pressed into a thin line as if my words had somehow offended him. "I'm queer." It seemed as if that part needed repeating.

His reaction was immediate and visceral. "No son of mine is bi- anything, pick a side, girls, and stay there," he spat, his words dripping with contempt. It felt like a slap in the face, the rejection stinging more than I had anticipated. What did I expect? Hugs all around and undying love?

I stood there, rooted to the spot, feeling the weight of his words crushing me. It was as if my entire world had shifted in an instant.

I refused to cower before him. "This is who I am, Dad, I'm just like Kenji. I'm queer, and I'm coming out, and if that means I lose out on the NHL, well that was your dream, and I'm sick of fighting for it." My voice trembled. "I can"t change that, and I won"t apologize for it."

There was a moment of silence, the tension between us thick and suffocating. And then, without another word, my dad turned and walked away, leaving me alone with my thoughts and the harsh reality of my truth. I leaned over the boards, my stick caught between my legs, alone in the rink, the crash of the doors the only indication that Dad had ever been there.

Mom. I needed to call Mom.

"Sweetheart? Shouldn't you be in class?"

"Mom…"

"Shaun? Sweetheart? Is everything okay?"

"I told Dad, and maybe he's coming home. Don't be there, okay?"

She made a soft sound of distress, but it wasn't because of me. "He won't take it out on me," she lied. "Anyway, I'm at the mall with Aunty June. How about we come to you?"

"Please."

"We'll be there in twenty."

"Okay."

I skated back to the locker room, showered, dressed in my uniform, then ended up sitting on a bench under a wide maple tree where Mom would see me. I'd thrown my future career into disarray, I'd challenged Dad, and the next call I made was to my agent, with Leo answering on the third ring.

"Hey, Shaun?"

"Leo, I'm bisexual, and I like a boy," I blurted because even coming out to Dad hadn't made it any easier to say.

I could see any path to the NHL vanishing, but what did I want more? Did I want to live with this secret chipping away at me. How long would I need to hide for? When I was maybe drafted, could I have come out after that? Or what about when I was five years in, ten, when I retired? What would Kenji be doing all this time? Waiting?

"Thank you for telling me," Leo said without hesitation. "Are you okay?"

"Yes." And I was okay. I was fine. I was seventeen, and I'd known forever that I was a different person inside, all hidden away, and yeah, I was more than fine. I felt fizzing in my body, and a weight as big as a tank lifted from my shoulders.

"Good. Now, this is fine, Shaun; you have me on your side. Are you somewhere safe?"

"Safe?" Did he mean my dad, or did he think I was going to do something stupid? "Dad isn't here, and I'm happy. I'm good."

Leo seemed relieved. "Your identity is yours and yours alone. I'm so proud of you, Shaun, and here's what I can do to help you…"

By the time Mom picked me up Leo had reassured me that if I wanted to chase the NHL, he was one hundred percent in my corner. He also had college prospectuses in line, and an assurance that he could figure things out with the NCAA if I wanted to go down the college route—I was good enough to get a scholarship, he said, and maybe that was what I wanted? I didn't know, but he said he'd help.

I thought about sending Kenji a simple message, but something stopped me. I didn't want him to think I'd come out for him, but that was what he would think, and then, he'd always worry I'd turn away from him.

I needed some time to show him what he meant to me.

I needed some time to be me.

Then, none of that delaying made any sense at all. I scrolled to our conversation and stared at the empty space for me to type, and I didn't know what to say. This seemed like a moment I needed to remember, but I needed to explain everything leading up to what had happened. We didn't have any classes together today, but I wouldn't be in school—I couldn't face school, I needed my mom to be safe—but he'd worry if he didn't see me. Right?

In the end it was the easiest thing to type.

Shaun: Not to make a big thing of it, but I just came out to my dad, and he was pissed, but Mom is heading out to get me.

Shaun: I'm okay.

Shaun: Mom's okay.

Shaun: I'm out. I'm OUT.

Shaun: We can hold hands.

Shaun: xxxx

He wouldn't reply now,given he was halfway through his class, but he'd see it as soon as he was out. I scrolled my phone and found a photo of us that I'd taken to get printed—the last one of us before our friendship had broken apart. Us smiling—him in silver and black, me in a hockey jersey, heads close together with goofy smiles. Why did I think it was okay to give up our friendship?

Then, I opened Insta and posted the photo, along with hearts, and a simple tag #boyfriends #ProudToBeMe

By the time Mom arrived, Aunty June right behind her, I was on adrenaline overload, and I fell into her arms. She hugged me so hard I couldn't breathe, and I think I was crying. Or laughing. I couldn't tell.

My name is Shaun Stanton, and I'm bisexual.