Chapter 26

It was a surreal experience.I couldn't ever remember a time when I'd felt like I was outside of my own body watching myself doing something, anything. With Ivan, I'd definitely left my mind on plenty of occasions, but the last thing I'd wanted was to see myself as he'd hurt me over and over again.

With Dalton, it was the opposite. Everything with him was so real that I hadn't wanted to miss any part of it. There were times I retreated into my head when I was with Dalton, but the cause was nearly always related to my time with Ivan. Dalton had never done anything that had made it feel like I was outside looking in. It was happening now, though. Not because of anything Dalton had done, but because my brain cells were being flooded with memory after memory.

Too many to keep track of.

Memories I'd always passed off as images. Now there were even more that I hadn't known were locked up in my mind.

Hearing my real name fall from my sister's lips had changed all that. It'd been like someone had snapped their fingers and I was once again an eight-year-old kid doing cartwheels and competing with my sister to see who could fly the highest on the swing set.

It was all just too much.

Yet I didn't ask Dalton to take me away from any of it. I could hear his voice as he talked to Aggie, but I couldn't make sense of his words, or hers. All I could process was the sensation of Sadie's soft fur beneath my fingers as she rested her head in my lap and the sight of giant, colorful fish swimming in and out of my line of sight as I stared at the water just inches from my feet.

Part of me had briefly hated that Dalton had done this. We'd been happy on his boat, just me and him and Sadie.

Or at least, that was what I'd thought.

I'd been so certain that Dalton had been wrong about all of it. That was why I'd refused to listen to anything he'd supposedly discovered about me on the internet. I'd actually felt kind of sorry for him because of the embarrassment he'd face when he went up to complete strangers and told them I was somehow related to them.

He hadn't been wrong. I'd known that the moment we'd cleared the trees and the house had come into view. All the visions I'd had about cartwheels and people gathered around a long table had been real. The other ones that had started to invade my thoughts but that I hadn't told Dalton about had been real too. The swings, the horses, the pool.

I'd done cannonballs into that pool.

No wonder I'd known what Sadie had done when I'd been introduced to the fisherman's shower for the first time was the doggy version of a cannonball.

And Aggie.

The moment she'd said her given name, I'd known it wasn't quite right. Just like I'd called her Aggie when I hadn't been able to pronounce Agnes, she'd called me Drew instead of Andrew. Everyone else in the family had always called me Andrew, but Aggie had stuck with Drew for some reason.

"We're twins," I blurted out loud when the realization hit me. The conversation between Dalton and Aggie came to an abrupt stop. I couldn't take my eyes off the pretty fish and the way their big mouths opened every time they approached me. I didn't remember them at all.

"We're twins," I repeated. "That's why only you called me Drew even when you were old enough to say Andrew. Everyone started calling you Aggie, but only you kept calling me Drew."

There was a momentary silence before Aggie said, "Mom and Dad wanted people to call me Agnes when I got older but when you kept using Aggie, everyone else but Mom started to. You knew how much I hated being called Agnes. You'd seen how kids had teased me about the name when we were in kindergarten and so you made sure it never happened again."

Mom and Dad.

I ignored the fact that I had just confirmed who I really was and focused on those three words.

Mom and Dad.

I felt Dalton's big hand rubbing up and down my back. That meant he was sitting next to me on the wooden bench.

"Mom never let you carry any of the dishes around because you always dropped them," I murmured.

I heard Aggie laugh. It was a grown woman's laugh but still held the same mirth behind it.

"Until you ratted me out," Aggie said. "You told her I was doing it on purpose so I wouldn't have to set the table or clear it. No putting things in the dishwasher or taking them out. You, on the other hand, never dropped even one. You liked being in the kitchen. Helping Mom cook and bake, doing dishes… it didn't matter. While I was out climbing trees or trying to ride the goats and sheep around because the horses were too tall for me, you were making pancakes, cookies, roasted chicken. You were always the perfect little angel?—"

Perfect.

As soon as Aggie said the word, I threw up. I managed to turn my head so my puke didn't land on the pretty fish or Sadie's body, but once I began heaving, I couldn't stop.

Whose perfect little cock slut are you?

You want your Vater to fill that perfect, tight cum hole?

My perfect faggot boy.

With every phrase Ivan repeated in my ear, I retched. It was endless. By the time it stopped, I was on the ground, tears streaking down my face, eyes that felt like they had grit in them, snot coming in gobs out of my nose, and the sour stench of vomit all over me.

I wasn't alone, though.

Dalton was wrapped around me. I was kneeling between his outstretched legs as he held me against his chest. One strong arm was bracing me to keep me from falling forward into the dirt, the other was cradling my head. When it was finally over, I sobbed against Dalton's chest even as I continued to stare at my own sick.

"Here, sweetheart, take a sip of this and spit it out."

I didn't even ask what it was that Dalton was giving me. It turned out to be water. I did as he said and then took a few sips and swallowed them. I could hear soft sobs coming from behind us, but I didn't care.

"Dalton, I want to go to the boat now," I croaked, my throat feeling like I'd swallowed a handful of glass.

"Okay," Dalton immediately responded. I was so grateful he wasn't trying to convince me to stay where we were. He helped me to my feet and put his arm around my waist so he could support me as we walked. Every part of my body felt heavy and by the time we reached the dock, my knees gave out and Dalton picked me up so he could carry me the rest of the way to the boat.

I was aware of most of what happened next, but I didn't really participate in any of it. Dalton sat me down on the bed and quickly removed my clothing. There was no fisherman's shower this time, but he remained on the outside of the tiny shower on the boat and used a handheld sprayer to clean me up. He put a pair of soft sweatpants and a T-shirt on me and then I was in our little bed with Dalton pressed against my back. I could tell he too was wearing sweats and a shirt. He pulled the covers over us and then spooned me from behind. I fell asleep within seconds of him curling himself around me.

When I woke up, I could see through one of the portholes that it was dark out. I no longer had my back to Dalton but was instead facing him. We weren't touching, though. I had my hands tucked up beneath my head. His position mirrored mine. It reminded me of when we'd been asleep in his hospital bed. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

Dalton's eyes were open and fixated on me, but he didn't say anything. I could see the guilt and self-doubt written into every line on his face. Water rocked the boat gently like it always did, but every few seconds I could hear the scrape of the buoys against wood.

Which meant we were likely still docked in the same place, since I doubted Dalton would have moved the boat to a strange marina somewhere. We usually dropped anchor in coves or quiet inlets when it was dark. We'd only gone ashore when we'd needed to wash some clothes and stock up on supplies.

Those days felt like a lifetime ago.

"How do you feel?" I asked Dalton. He hadn't attended any AA meetings since we'd left his house, but he had remained in touch with his sponsor on a daily basis. I'd let him have his privacy for those calls, but I'd done enough research on the internet to know that stress often triggered cravings for alcohol and drugs.

And I'd given him plenty of things to be stressed about.

Dalton smiled and reached out to stroke my cheek. "Lucky," he said. "So fucking lucky."

"Lucky?"

"Lucky that for whatever reason, you picked me. That day when I took you to the bus station and you were getting out of the car, I asked you not to go and you didn't. When you found all those empty bottles of alcohol in the trash and the half-full ones hidden around the house and boat, you still chose to stay. When I needed you in that hospital, you were there, and you let me hang on to you." Dalton paused briefly but continued to stroke my cheek. "You're still here," he whispered.

"I was so afraid you were going to let me get out of the car that day," I responded. "I didn't want anyone to touch me after the way you had. Your voice was the only one I heard in my head when I was back in that place. I was so lost when you went to the hospital. I felt like a prisoner again because you weren't there. Ronan was the only one who was straight with me. He didn't pity me or tell me what he thought I wanted to hear. He told me to find something to hang on to while I was lost, and it would eventually help me find my way out of the darkness."

"Mine was the first time you held my hand," Dalton said with a smile. "It was in the car after I'd picked you up and you could tell I was in pain, and you touched my fingers which were curled around the steering wheel. Then you held my hand, and I knew everything was going to be okay."

I could feel my mouth tugging into a grin. "It only took me a little longer," I said. "Mine was when you kissed me after I took my clothes off—well, your clothes—in that parking lot. My mind kept trying to convince itself that it had all been a ruse to get me in the car so you could set me up, but deep down, I knew it was real. You could tell it was my first kiss but instead of rushing me through it, you gave that to me. A real first kiss."

Dalton leaned forward and brushed his mouth over mine. I returned the kiss. It was sweet and short but there was so much behind it.

We lay there for a while, neither of us eager to move. The darkness outside was slowly fading away as the sun began to come up.

It was a new day.

A new day in which I'd have to make some hard choices.

"Aggie," I said. "It sounds like Maggie. Do you think somewhere in my mind I made that connection and that was why I helped her?"

"Only you can answer that for sure but no, I don't think that's why you helped her. I think you would have helped every one of those women if you could have. I think everything Ivan and the people who took you from your parents did was done with the intention of making you forget your life before you were abducted. You locked those memories away until your mind knew it was safe to tap into them. I don't think what you did for Maggie felt safe in any kind of way."

"It didn't," I agreed. "It was Willa. The second I held her in my arms, I knew I had to keep her safe. I was the first one to hold her, you know. The lady who always got the girls ready was supposed to deliver Willa, but she wasn't there, so I did it. I had no idea what I was doing but by then I'd had access to the internet, so I'd looked things up." I chuckled. "Nothing on the internet prepares you for the real thing, though. One second she was still in her mom, the next she was in my arms. I knew not to cut the cord, so I wrapped her in a clean towel and handed her to Maggie. We were both crying. In those few minutes, we forgot where we were, you know?"

"You were both so brave, Silver. You and Maggie. Choosing that baby's life over both of yours?—"

"You would have done it too," I insisted and then I was scooting closer to Dalton. He got the message and cuddled me against his chest.

Our conversation dropped off after that. I watched the sun rise through the porthole, but it wasn't until the sunlight no longer filtered through the glass that I allowed the events from the day before to set in.

"Dalton, do you know if… if my mom and dad are still alive?" I asked.

"They are, sweetheart. I saw them up at the house. Not up close or anything, but I saw how they reacted when one of the guys who was with us ran up to the house to tell your dad. All of the people at the picnic went into the house except for him. He told your mom when she came out. It was all he could do to keep her from running down to where we were standing."

I began to cry as relief overwhelmed me. I hadn't even realized how important his answer had been to me. I'd tried to prepare myself for them both being gone and not caring, but the moment I'd asked the question, my throat had closed up.

Dalton held me through my tears and kept whispering soft things into my ear. Things like how everything was going to be okay and that he loved me.

I couldn't say how much time passed, but Dalton's next question wiped away every bit of calm that he'd managed to give me from the moment I'd opened my eyes.

"It was when Aggie said the word perfect, wasn't it?"